i am in remarkably similar position as you. i read some posts of yours, i'm not very good at this forum and couldn't find your entire thread.
I've been living with man for 34+ years and find myself now trying to embrace this db philosophy and having a very darn hard time doing it. I can see how it might work- then the old fears & emotions creep in and i feel that maybe for him it's "all over" and there is nothing i can do but sit around and "bleed".
i've been db-ing since sept. last year- when i picked up a mwd book at the flea market-it flopped open to mlc and i read it and said - Oh, my God! this is us.
i just wanted to say hi and express my support and good luck wishes. i am having trouble finding things and people on this forum. (my first ever forum)
i keep thinking i save certain people and their posts - only to never find them again (well, easily) i run across them sometimes in other people's stuff.
i'll go look for your posts- i am less "terrified" - so one tiny bit more "accepting". by no means good at this, or comfortable with it- or even not sure i'm not crazy to even try.
after 34+ years with this man and feeling like we've been a part of each other's lives so long i'm not sure where i end and he begins- now this - he has become like a different person. i am not sure i like this new person- he has an ea and ow and that is what blows my "compassion". i can understand everything else and can "ride it out" - knowing he is with someone else when i'm lonely & blue (last nite comes to mind) - i lose it. this morning i'm still trying-
where we get this inner strength to just plug along one day after the other- i do not know- it appears (so far) - fingers crossed. sorry you are here and experiencing this- good luck- i'm going to go try and find your story-
GALbaby & Nero --- totally terrified but I tell myself to "fake it until I make it" plaster on that smile and keep taking it one step at a time. I hung up a large picture over the fireplace. I had never done that before by myself.
I am learning to do yard work. H always took that on and now I am learning slowly.
Everything and everyone still scares me a bit but I just try to be brave. It is only here that I let my true fears out. I guess what terrifies me the most is that I don't trust my inner voice. If it could be so wrong about the man I lived with and loved for so long then how can I rely on that voice to guide me? That's the dilemma for me anyway.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
He moved in with his parents. Didn't contact me until I text him if he was okay on 10/26, he responded yes. And while my children and I were out on 10/26, he came home and packed almost every article of clothing, razors, shoes, etc.
Our children saw that his stuff was missing on 10/26. He never called the house or any of our cell numbers to see if we were home. He then contacted our children 10/28 and explained that "he didn't leave them." "He needs space and wants them to understand." He said he loves them very much. BTW-since this is so fresh, his mother came by 10/28 without calling to visit our children. I was at Bible Study. So she had one of my children call to see if it's okay she take them to lunch. I said yes. At this point I wasn't sure where he was staying and if my in-laws knew. When I came home, they were back. She didn't say anything about the situation.
Well, as she was leaving she cried and said that whatever we needed that they are just a phone call away. I appreciated that until she said, "He's not happy. He hasn't been happy for the last 10 years. He isn't in love with you anymore. You should just let him go. He can't be in a miserable marriage."
I tried to defend myself but I know I can't convince her that it's a MLC or depression. They only believe I'm the cause of this, since this is her son. So I just pray over her and all my in-laws that they speak words to uplift and unify our marriage and family not curse it.
Now, my DH timing is terrible since oldest child turns 18 in two weeks. Now what? Awkward? Our DS is angry, hurt, sad, confused.
I don't want a D.
I know DH feels hopeless and confused. I'm confused too. He denies any other person exists but I feel he's talking to someone who is encouraging this radical behavior. All I can do is pray. I'm in coaching and counseling sessions.
I tried to sign us up for Retrouvaille (sp.?!) He was okay with going at first but now really doesn't want to go. UGH!
So questions... How do I manage his visitations with our children? Can I?
What do I say or do if he just shows up when I'm not home and he comes into house and takes more stuff? Can I establish a boundary?
He's trying to get our children to understand him but they don't. He tries to explain and even uses words I may have used (out of context) to justify or rationalize this behavior. So confused.
Hi vge..I am going through this also. I believed my h when he first started with the I don't love you when he said there was no one else. Only to find after he left that he had been texting and phoning a work colleague the whole time....one he is now living with. I too suspect that she had an agenda and was partly responsible for him leaving....but at the end of the day he is the one who ultimately abandoned his family. I range from crying and anger at the moment. At the moment I am in upset mode as he is now taking me to mediation regrading child access because I wouldn't let him have the kids on my weekend.
Unbelievable how he gets to carry on his new life yet he has such a sense of entitlement...me,me,me. Hope things start feeling better for you.
That's such a great news Lin! Happy to hear to hear that! All the best for your future life.
Post was 8 years ago
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
