No, the midwest is not for me. I definitely don't belong there. Going back there makes me feel like I'm suffocating, so there are no bearings to be had.
I have been here 10 years now... And yes, your description is well on point! And no I will not be here 10 years from now!
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I am a questing soul, but I've never left the path, so have found comfort neither in the patterns of traditional orthodoxy nor the vacillations of creative abandon. I've sunk into the cushiony pillows of the unexamined, anticipated life. I've been looking at those surrounding mountains too long to not trek out now and see if they really are of stone, or just the mist of dreams.
Wouldn't life be wonderful if we were content with the mundane... I envy those that are content b/c they expect so little out of life. Do you know that I know people that have never seen an ocean - and it doesn't matter to them... Ignorance or perhaps assumptions of what is - is bliss... Knowledge engenders a sense of discontent...
So the true mechanism to bliss - is a lobotomy.
Okay after a few drinks (the equivalent of a lobotomy) - I lack the ability to absorb the wisdom of your post or comment in any sense that does anyone justice. I hope you will see fit to indulge my current state of mind.
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I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more.
The institution of M was originally established you know for all that inheritance maintain order in society reasons. Now it is about love and companionship - which really complicates it all! Do you think this whole I love you but am not in love with you business was relevant 20 years ago?
As I read your story - I vacillated between seeing myself in your xw and seeing The X in your xw... I don't know what the definition of marriage is anymore. Not so sure I believe in marriage. I married The X as quickly as I did b/c he needed a green card to immigrate from Germany.
That being said - there is a part of me that refuses to give up on the concept of a that special something that goes beyond friendship and means more than a piece of paper.
& you look so amazingly sexy riding off into the sunset.
Oh, & thanks for getting me hooked on word twist. Since I stink at it. Thanks for keeping an eye on me.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi there, When I first read "I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more." I felt really sad, for a nano second!! But if I'm truthful, I feel the same way. Now I feel sad about that. I hope you (and I) don't always feel that way. But maybe AG has a point, this love thing complicates it too much. IDK, hope you have a better day. Lyn
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
You are both at the most vulnerable period in this journey. I so understand your vulnerability and your questioning. What you are feeling, and how you are viewing life at this point is very different than what you will KNOW 5 years out. Please think about what I am saying. Oh sure, there are some people who probably will never be happy, but they were probably never ever happy with their life even before their spouse walked out. Some people spend their whole life restless and searching, never knowing true contentment. Surround yourself with people who matter. People who will bring you up when you're down and be a soft place to fall when you need one.
Lodo, you married your wife for all of the right reasons. You married her for love. Just because the love that was given to her was not cherished and nutured does not mean love for you is not meant to be. Putting yourself back out there takes time. Right now, it's scary. What I do want you to know is that as time goes on the fear fades, the pain fades, and we start to live again. Unfortantely the only other alternative is a self-centered life.
The worst thing that can happen to any of us is to cut ourselves off and become bitter. Money means nothing if you don't have someone to love and to share the joys in life with. Believe me, I wouldn't have said this 5 years ago, but I also would never want to be that same sad and defeated person. People who stay stuck, are very unhappy people. Oh I know they try to paint a rosy picture, but it's really nothing more then smoke and mirrors. If you still want to find yourself at the top of a mountain, or at the edge of the ocean, then that tells me you still want to be a part of something greater.
From what you've written I know that you are a pretty sincere and lving man. Just by the way you handle your situation makes that very clear to see. As far as your pain goes feel it, heal it and move on. Maybe I'm just one of those people that should choose the lobotomy since I would rather choose to live an unselfish life with joy and love.
Now it sounds to me like you have been challenged by Smartcookie. I don't know about you but she sounds pretty confident to me....good luck with this one!
Hey AG - I know the dilemma re: knowledge. It's the same for me with work. The more I strive to make gains, the more hours I end up working. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just ditch it all and find a job that isn't so involving, so I can go in, do my thing, and come home to pour my passion into something really close to me, something creative. But so far, that hasn't happened.
What is it to be content? Is anyone really ever content? I see people that I would say were content, but you never know.
cookie - don't thank me! Sara's the one that got me hooked!
WCW - I knew you'd yell at me. I'm not knocking THE midwest, I'm knocking MY midwest. There are a lot of bad memories in that place. But there isn't that much concrete where I'm at - lots of green space, lots of horses. And I don't know about the wordtwist dictionary - a lot of pretty basic words seem to be missing and then i just randomly type letters and it scores!
Lyn - when I wrote that I don't believe in the institution of marriage, what I meant was the INSTITUTION - the thing you assume will always be there. Now I know that you can never take a relationship for granted but must work on it all the time. I'm divorced in part because I was on auto-pilot.
Well, fall is upon us! Squash, garlic, potatoes, braising greens, and green beans in my veggie box this AM. It's cool outside - enough for jeans and long sleeved shirt. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my coffee and then head up to the coast ranges to go wander about. Better for me to do my rambling outside than on the computer! Have a great day everyone.
Bethie, I just saw your post - we must have posted at the same time.
Thank you so much for those words. you're right, I'm feeling defeated right now. Not so sad anymore - the D was great at slamming me towards closure - but definitely feeling defeated. And unsure of what happens next, though I'll put a brave and confident face on and go forward.
Sometimes what's hard about making choices isn't the choice itself, but the decision to make the choice. I find the D has spilled over into everything else so that now I really need to define who I am, not to others but to myself. I guess it feels a bit like I'm at the base of a mountain and the journey up seems daunting. I know I can do it but I need to start.
Okay, lots to think about, need to be patient, need to focus more on what brings joy and leave the rest behind.
Lyn - when I wrote that I don't believe in the institution of marriage, what I meant was the INSTITUTION - the thing you assume will always be there. Now I know that you can never take a relationship for granted but must work on it all the time. I'm divorced in part because I was on auto-pilot.
lodo,
I think you spot on; you do need to work on your M continuously. I am glad to see you take responsibility for your part. In the end, it was not your lack of being the perfect H that killed your M. You were willing to work on your M; right? It was your W having an A and Ding you that killed it. I have always said, "It took both of us to get our M to the low point it was at. It took her walking away to end it."
I will leave you with a silly quote about marriage being an institution:
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I am glad you are able to set boundaries with xw - i.e. the phone call. During my own D mess, The X was a carpet bomber and use to move in an out the last 2 years of my M - lost count how many times - definitely over 7 times w/ 4 major bombs. I had told The X that I was willing to talk about working on our M until the day the D was legal. Mine became legal on the day it was signed at a status conference. I have not spoken to him since. At first there is a void - but as far as I was concerned - The X was the past and I needed to make it so and that worked for me.
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Work is crappy. I'm taking the fall for some things and getting a type of demotion. Maybe it's better, I'm not sure yet. I'll go along and see how things work, and if it doesn't work for me or my pay is cut, I'm outta there.
I went through a similar phase with respect to work. It takes efffort to put an R first over work. It is even more work doing that when an R is crumbling. It took its toll on my work. My work was not as great as usual and well playing politics right is often more important than the substance of your work. Sometimes people that may have never been on your side leverage that you were off a little to make you the fall guy. Normal people give other people a break when they know they are going through a tough time.
Go easy on yourself. Let go of what might have been if you had had the right state of mind to excel at work during the M crumble period. This is a new beginning for you - you will make it all come together in a way that works for you.
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All this has swirled around in the last few days to shove me towards closure. Also to re-examine who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm headed. How sad that I don't have a better idea - it's time to figure it out. . . . I'm feeling defeated right now. Not so sad anymore - the D was great at slamming me towards closure - but definitely feeling defeated. And unsure of what happens next, though I'll put a brave and confident face on and go forward.
Sometimes what's hard about making choices isn't the choice itself, but the decision to make the choice. I find the D has spilled over into everything else so that now I really need to define who I am, not to others but to myself. I guess it feels a bit like I'm at the base of a mountain and the journey up seems daunting. I know I can do it but I need to start.
You are fine. This is normal. I thought that surviving the big D was just about getting over The X. But really the whole M infrastructure is gone - the hopes and dreams you had while you were M are gone.
So you have to start slowly thinking about what you want to do and where you want to go. I felt very lost and directionless - well you know how I need to see a path! You will find a path - you ponder/experiment with different options and eventually find one that feels right again.
Someone wise posted to me that it is okay to not always clearly see a path... Give yourself time - you will get up that mountain. Don't look at the top of the mountain - just the next step in your hike to the top. You will see the trail as you ascend.
Please take it easy on yourself for a little while. Offload all that you can and do the minimum when it comes to the angst stuff. And be kind to yourself - do some things that help you recover b/c you deserve it.
In the end, it was not your lack of being the perfect H that killed your M. You were willing to work on your M; right? It was your W having an A and Ding you that killed it. I have always said, "It took both of us to get our M to the low point it was at. It took her walking away to end it."
I have been here 10 years now... And yes, your description is well on point! And no I will not be here 10 years from now! 
Do you think this whole I love you but am not in love with you business was relevant 20 years ago? 
