Jeff....a week or so, my D5 told my W "I hate you" after I left her room to put my son to sleep. My W charged out at her screaming at her and scaring the daylights out of her.
When my D5 says that to me, I look at her and say, softly, "that makes daddy very sad". Usually, 2-5 minutes later, my D returns telling me she loves me.
I think that....when you asked your W not to call, it hurt her and she returned the favor. I understand how you feel. On Sundays, I leave my W alone to enjoy the kids. On Saturdays, my W has to batter me with calls and texts. I think....it is simply a control issue...for her.
It is difficult when the parents (not implying you)..use the kids as pawns. I try and tell myself that no matter how much my W hates me or hurts me, the kids only see her as their mom and they love her.
I know the pain you feel. My W frequently corrals the kids....'hogs' them....at points now when I do something with the kids, they turn to her to ask 'permission' to go with me. It sucks. I try to keep going and be a good dad and hope that time will prove that out to them.
Pull yourself up. I know the feeling. Get out. Check meetup.com or anything.
Supporting you as always. Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Good advive GFI. If I were in a better position emotionally that would be a plan to consider. But little or no contact with Ex is my only comfort zone right now. I fear if I meet with her I would lose it, especially where the kids are concerned.
I really wanted to email her back but I am happy to say I did not. I wanted to ask her how her comments hurt me. Is she implying that D7 loves mom and misses her more than dad? If that is the case it shows you how spaced out she is. Or is she just trying to make me the cause of D7 crying? That is hard to get straight in my mind: lets see, she wanted the D, she ignored me when I said it would impact the kids, she bailed rather than work on the M or go to MC with me. She pressed and got the D and now it is somehow all my fault the kids are affected????
In her mind the D was the answer - everyone should be so happy now. Right?
Thanks too FIB. I warned you to expect the kids being drawn to the middle in your situation. However, in mine, after 2-1/2 years I expected to turn a corner; instead it is worse.
Quote:
knew a divorced mom who smothered the kids, and just before they had to 'go see dad' she would program them to be afraid of being away from HER.
Frank hit it on the head. That is what is happening. However, I don't think Ex has a clue she is doing that. She smothers the kids b/c that is her only emotional support left, except for a few female friends.
I may not have been her idea of a good H but I was there for her many times.
So was her dad. But her dad quickly remarried after her mom passed on and that was a blow for sure. She has only been back home to visit once that I know of since the remarriage. Before the remarriage she went home almost every weekend the kids were with me.
Kids are not designed to provide adult support to adults. I wish Ex would understand that. In a way I feel sorry for Ex, but I am more concerned that this does not impact the kids long term.
But all I can do is to be a good dad and not use my kids as my emotional crutch as well.
..and that is all we can do Jeff. As you said above:
we can't make the kids feel that we are crushed when they leave us
they are not our support systems nor should we look to them for support
we have no control over what our S's do when the kids are not with us and the court/legal system is not going to enforce rules on that new entity parental alienation
Everyone tells me that kids are brighter than we give them credit for. I pray that is true. I can see what is happening to you occurring in my own sitch. I often feel overwhelmed by it all, but, I can't let that happen NOR CAN YOU. They need the balance. They need a solid steady father. Kids, like our WAW's, can sense this stuff. Keep your chin up.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Just spent the best few days in a long time. I quickly shook off Ex's email about the kids thanks to my venting here. Also, several positive things happened, including being reminded of grace and forgiveness. Combine that with this is MAX COLOR for fall here...
Things are good.
We had an early freeze and rather cool weather - you would not believe the red, orange, gold, yellow palette
I have the kids this weekend and that is also good. I picked them up from Ex Thursday. D7 was crying again but quickly stopped. Ex did not show her tail - crying too most likely.
Her problem, not mine. Being a super mom has its price.
I also read a great article in the paper by family psychologist John Rosemond that describes my situation to a 'T'.
A woman wrote asking his opinion of going back to work after quiting to have kids. Her "uninvolved father" husband thinks it a good idea and "wants her to be happy" since she "resented" not having a job. But she was conflicted b/c she was giving "150%" to her kids.
Rosemond did not mince words. I wish he were speaking to my Ex before my insanity happened. He wrote:
"I don't think a self-sacrificing mom insures anything except perhaps a child who is excessively dependent upon mom.
"As for your H, the "uninvolved father" who wants what is best for his W, perhaps you are so involved with your children that he has difficulty feeling like he can get involved without your micromanagement. Any woman who says she is giving more that 1/3 of herself to her kids is, by definition, a 3M mom: a magnificent maternal micromanager. Obviously you more than qualify."
Instead of being 150% involved, Rosemond goes on to say to her "A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH ONE ANOTHER. And yes, I'm yelling, b/c all-too-many of today's parents need to be strapped to chairs and made to listen to a tape loop of the previous sentence blaring over a loudspeaker until they get it.
"There is nothing that secures a child's sense of well-being and releases his capacity for self-sufficiency more reliably than knowing his parents are in relationshiop with one another. Perhaps, and I say this gently, you have so immersed yourself in the role of mom that you have neglected your marriage."
Standing ovation!! That is my situation in a nutshell. I have been blaming me 100% but these words, which I have known since this started, ring true and remind me that I was not the total blame here.
In fact, there was most likely nothing I could have done b/c she did not hear these words and if she did she would have dismissed them.
She cannot accept the blame for anything. She would deny the super mom label. That is why they never reconsider. That is why the anger. That is why all the blame falls my way in her eyes.
Too bad. Maybe I could not have done anything regardless and that is a comfort (reminds me of FIB's pdf book), but I still have much work to do on me. I must become stronger and roll model for my kids so they don't become dependent on mom, or me, or anyone else for that matter.
Another key line. My MIL once told me that "as a child, XXX could never accept that she was wrong." She said that to me in her supportive days when I was trying to figure this whole thing out and save my M.
IMO, S's...who can never accept their responsibility for the demise of a marriage will almost NEVER be able to come back once they leave. THAT...Jeff..is what we talked about in our VERY FIRST conversation in fall 2006. Although that is not THE answer, it is one of many of the attributes of some of the WAW's here.
Enjoy your children. I have had continuous playdate at my house..video games, screaming....as my STBXW slathered on the perfume and left to go out to the movies.
Be 'glad' that you are where you are now...and not entombed with your STBXW.
Strength and honor.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Last edited by faithisbelieving; 11/09/0802:27 AM.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Good to chat again Jeff. You'll be fine. Springtime = renewal. Hunker down for the holidays and set springtime as rebirth. Thanks for your support. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hey Jeff, Hows things, I been on this forum for a while, just about given up on ex2be ever coming round. It really is her loss. Things are going well with me, turned 50 the other day and have never felt better in my own skin, ever, than I have this last 12 months. Quite amazing considering how I was feeling three years ago. I will try to update my thread in the next day or so. Until then look after yourself my friend. Remember we are only responsible for our own actions, that is all that really matters.
