AG - thanks for all the confidence boosters. I need them!
What I think is hardest right now is the XW and I work in the same place. She is extremely adept at suppressing her emotional side to concentrate on work - he11 she's been doing that for the last 8 months! She's also a very social person, in that surface, small-talk way. Which is great - she's nice, beautiful, and extremely smart. Fun to be around. Of course, you don't find out she's non-empathetic and emotionally stunted until you really get to know her.
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
Thinking aloud, but I do need to rein in that inner voice that has been awfully critical these past few months and remind it that there are a lot more positive topics it could be running through my head.
She is extremely adept at suppressing her emotional side to concentrate on work
I am guessing she is great at suppressing emotions in all aspects of her life. Its probably how she functions in everyday life.
I also grapple with people thinking that I was 'worthy' of this divorce, that I was so horrible, so cold, so unloving that H had no other choice but to get out while he was still alive.
We both know that's not true. You and me are good peeps. Actually your W and my H are good people too, that's why we love them.
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
lodo
Hmm, maybe it's b/c I'm a woman or weird or something, but when I hear this I think there's something wrong with her!!! I think maybe that shows her lack of empathy and emotionality that she can be such a shining person at work during such a difficult time. I was a complete and total emotional mess at the end of last year/beginning of this year and still have my occasional tough moments and I think most of us are that way. It's part of being a caring, committed person. Which you obviously are... Karen
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
Thinking aloud, but I do need to rein in that inner voice that has been awfully critical these past few months and remind it that there are a lot more positive topics it could be running through my head.
lodo,
I had TONS of problems with that at first. I kept REPLAYING all the sh!t my exW said over and over and over and over. I kept thinking... What IF she IS right? I made myself crazy!!!
When the dust settled and I was in a more lucid state, I did look at myself at a deeper level. I saw more of my flaws as a H. I realized almost all of what she said was intended to push me away and hurt me. She was NOT honestly sharing her feelings. I really think she was feeling so much pain she thought pushing me away was the solution...
I have a suggestion for you. When you get into that state of "I can see why she D'ed him."...... I want you to do something to change your state of mind.... Have something else positive you picked to think about to get you out of it. I would imagine my new wife and I having a romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant overlooking the city.... I would imagine what she would be wearing..... I would think about the engaging conversation we would have..... I would think about she and I cuddling in the car as we drive home.... I would imagine exploring her body with my tongue... I would ponder all of things we do all night... This created some very strong emotions for me...
In the end, what I would humbly suggest is faking it until you make it... Act happy.... It sounds crazy..... But, it works..... The funny thing is when I was in the lowest valleys, I would do this.... It is interesting to see how people react to you.... Happy people send out attractive vibes......
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 09/21/0805:06 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Thanks RMG - it's really helpful to hear your comments. I hope you saw my last note too. I appreciate getting perspective from those who've had to get through this cr*p.
Tone it down on the tongue descriptions, though. Some of us are still in the Sex-Starved and Separated Forum, and, well, let's just say that ficus tree in the corner is starting to look pretty good!
You do indeed need to silence that inner voice over time that keeps making you ponder what went wrong. You have already answered that - your W is just not strong enough to work through problems in an M. Dont worry about her anymore or how well she is doing. There was nothing you could have done to change her mind. You have to let her go - start thinking of your life ahead. If you have to, listen to this a few times to build up your motivation...
Okay lodo - (warning very long post) here is a The X's life post-D...
The X:
> He was with the same company. Very very smart - rising star technically. He is s German electrical engineer that specializes in software. And he epitomizes the German engineering standard. Just before our D - he was able to bring in work from a different branch of the company - which saved jobs at his place - all this while I was struggling b/c of the carpet bombing thing.
> He started and completed an executive MBA at Northwestern after our D.
> Continued to travel - went to Egypt shortly after our D.
> Just googled him yesterday. He has really moved up two levels in management
> He is remarried - married another Indian.
Really looks so sane and wonderful life on the outside.
What do I know about The X. He suffers from depression. I know no matter what he has he is not happy. I know he sleeps a lot on weekends b/c of the depression. He gets angry if you want to do something - he is always tired. He is terrified of what other people think of him - so needs to craft a paletable image at all times. The X always needed the world to think we were a happy couple - even when our M was crumbling. Image was everything to him. Image is what he used to cover up lack of substance. We lived with elephants in the living room - but when we went out - no one knew... He continued that after our D. He was in a 10 year R before me. He repeated the same pattern with me that he had with her. He will repeat the same pattern with his W. I know after his R with LTR before me - he shut out all emotional stuff about her - except anger. He stuffed it and showed nothing. At the same time - we never went to their favorite restaurants or stores. I am sure he is even more limited now - if he is avoiding everywhere we went!
Me on the other hand cares about Substance over Image...
> After The X moved back in after bomb #3 - I was laid off from large patent boutique. It was my fault - I was much more reactive and said something politically unpaletable to a partner. They needed to cut back - I gave them what they needed to justify letting me go. They informed me that they had "accepted my resignation" the next Monday. No - I did not resign. LOL!
> I struggled for months to find another job. And landed a job with a large firm breakaway firm - The Nutty Partner. The X dropped bomb #4 on my first day at work. The Nutty Partner fired me w/in a year b/c he thought I was trying to steal his clients. Perhaps I could have been more politically savvy... My D was final the day the political brown stuff hit the fan... and I was let go 3 weeks later. I felt like a failure. Also b/c I knew I was behind on my work b/c well I was going through a D ... I felt like I deserved it.
> I struggled to find a job - economy on its way down. I finallly found a job with a large general practice firm based out of Indiana. I was becoming a grown up attorney - it was purely political. This was 2-3 years post D - I was stronger. I walked out and started my own firm. Substance was getting better - and it showed in my image.
I suppose 5 years post-D I am in a place where my post-D professional image is on par with The X's post-D professional image - but you know what is ironic - it just doesn't matter anymore...
And the other thing is after my D - I was afraid of what people thought and assumed the worst. Now 5 years post-D I am realizing my real friends supported me and believed in me through the good and the bad. I was wrong to not give them the benefit of the doubt.
Hang in there lodo. Don't assume that people are thinking the worst about you. The people that know you know better. Define yourself by what the people that believe in you say. There will always be people that are ready to believe the worst - do not define yourself by their words. It may even be jealousy. You have so much going for you - I am sure there are people that are all too happy to say that there may be something wrong with you!
I know easier said than done... This is all very recent and raw. Give yourself time to process it all. And if this work place is not working for you - and maybe you need a fresh start. Start looking for another job. Forgive yourself if you slipped a little or even a lot at work. I have been there - every single one of my friends have been there. If you need to take another incomplete - do it. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that this is a rough time and you need to go easy on yourself. It is okay. You are okay.
Correction in last post: I wrote I walked away I was set up and by Indiana law firm and fired for political reasons. That is when I started my own firm 3 years ago.
You will be fine - give yourself permission to be human.
Are you having at least some fun while procrastinating - i.e. cooking, running, hiking, etc. ?
As for that prepared food thing - Trader Joe's has a lot of frozen prepared stuff that is healthy, tasty and available in relatively smaller portions. And all the local stores seem to carry pre-marinated fish, chicken, meat etc. A new Whole Foods just opened just 5 minutes away from my house - that is my new favorite food place.
I am not asking about D stuff in case you don't want to talk about it right now - but if you want to - we are all here for you.
This created some very strong emotions for me...
Lots to think about and digest.