What I learned from H's MLC

[imLIN]

I used to think like a lot of people that MLC was just an excuse to act stupid, buy a sports car, and have an affair!

I learned it is so much more complicated and serious then that.

I have learned that usually MLC is coupled with unresolved issues from childhood...the worse the issues, the worse the crisis

I have learned that it usually takes a minimum of 2 years after the MLC'er bails on the family for them to return...IF they return

I have learned that the MLC will return with some pretty major issues to conquer...major depression, substance abuse, OP to let go of, and others...depression is the MOST common and usually at the root of the ENTIRE MLC to begin with...

Just a little of what I learned...my H is home, happy, and we have rebuilt a better stronger marriage...he has been home since 2006, says he loves me often, and is doing well with the kids (both minor and adult)...we are once again a family and to those who are new friends they would never guess what we had been through the past 7 years! (that is not a typo...his crisis was at least 7 years in length...from the beginning, to his leaving us, to his return, and finally to his becoming his true self again.

[missmyfriend]

Lin, thanks! I am extremely happy that this situation has become something worth hoping and waiting for. You deserve a lot of credit for being patient. And as my son would say, you have "smartitude"!

I think your success story should let others know that there is hope if we can be patient and loving enough. Taking care of the family until the prodigal spouse returns...and then the real work begins.

Thank you.

[MidwesternGirl]

thanks for sharing and I am happy to hear that your family is intact and happy once again.

[forward]

Interesting that you say this about timeline, ImLin. H has been gone for almost a year and a half.

But I would place his crisis at the point where he turned 40 and he is now 44.

[missmyfriend]

I can only guess when it started for my W because she had such a tough childhood that it makes it challenging to know if it simply hasn't been a progression her entire life toward this.

While I don't believe that we can assess how long it will take, I do ascribe to the stages. I can see every one of them up until stage 3. She does flip from 3 to 2 and back again though but with her personality, it makes sense.

The challenge is whether she can force herself to address her issues and move forward in a positive direction. She has made comments that she is moving forward. Unfortunately, most people would see her direction of forward is heading backwards or to a cliff.

I do believe that if she ever admits her issues, I think it will make a huge difference in her. The following step after admitting you have a problem (does this sound familiar to Al-Anon?) is doing something about it.

[No Longer BH]

ImLin, when I first started coming to this board many months ago, you were the voice of inspiration. You helped me to have hope on so many occations. I was just wondering if you could reach out one more time and give me your wise opinion on what is going on in my sitch. Thank you for continuing to be a presence on the board, you have helped so many with your success story. I just no longer know if I should have hope or not. And finally, thank you for being that shining star when my life seemed so dark. You helped me get through the worst part of this journey.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1588639&page=2#Post1588639

[imLIN]

Now I will post what I learned in his journey...

I learned to be much more patient...with everyone!

I learned what true love really means.

I learned to have sympathy and empathy for others.

I learned what true forgiveness is...and it isn't easy!

I learned to really look at all that I have instead of what I don't...and to be greatful for everyday!

I learned that I don't always have to have the last word.

I learned that there is a time and a place to talk.

I learned that sometimes you have to listen and keep your mouth shut for a very long time!

I learned that I would be okay no matter what happened.

I learned that I didn't need H...even though I wanted him.

I learned a lot about me and am now a very different person.

Brokenhearted...when I get a chance I will look at your situation...but only you know if you should still have hope...I always said as long as neither of you remarried there was always hope...even if you got divorced...

[Valeria]

Imlin:

I agree with you about the lessons. It's fortunate that you learned the lessons and still had the opportunity to reconcile with your H. I wasn't as lucky.

The journey was a very humbling experience for me. I took so much for granted when I was with my H. I had this false sense of security and even a bit of smugness (embarrassing to admit now) that my marriage would last forever.

It certainly knocked the wind out of my sails. I did a lot of soul searching and didn't always like what I saw. I learned a lot of lessons (very similar to yours) and did a lot of changing. The "old" H would have been thrilled with the new me. Unfortunately, the "new" H doesn't know and couldn't care less.

Even though I lost my marriage, I won't lose the changes or forget the lessons learned. I would never want to go back to being the way I used to be.

Val

[imLIN]

Valerie...your reminded me of a few BIG lessons...

I learned humility like I never knew

I learned to admit my part in everything (marriage and life related)

I learned to be honest with myself so I could be honest with others

Valerie,

I am so sorry things didn't work out with your H...I came very very close to losing what I thought would last forever (without even thinking about it)...I truly believe had I not had a young son still at home my H would have never moved back to town...he moved away for over a year and didn't see much of his kids or me at all...in a way this was an advantage for me because when he did return to be closer to our son he was able to see the stark difference in me...

I understand the wind being knocked out of you...I didn't feel like I was breathing for months!...but like you I did the soul searching...I did the grieving...I accepted what I had done to get where we were (even though I never in a million years meant to be where I found myself)...I prayed a lot and drew closer to God then I had ever been...

I too made a commitment to not forget what I learned...even though my H returned...I continue to have my own life and allow him to have his...my life does not revolve only around H and my kids...I have learned to have fun with friends again...by myself...to take care of me and allow H to take care of himself so that together we can be the best of friends again...not a nagging wife to a frustrated husband...and I never knew what a nag I could be until I listened to myself...I work daily on maintaining to new me...not for H...not for the family...but because I like who I am now...

Val...I wish blessings to you...that you find a life that fulfills you and that you can share with others around you...

Lin

[Valeria]

Thanks, ImLin.

It's ironic, isn't it? They started this journey and yet we ultimately benefited from it. Like you, I learned a lot of valuable lessons and moved forward.

My H regressed, didn't learn the lessons, and got stuck.

He told me recently that he still wants to come home, but it might take another 10 years. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. His affair with the OW has been going on for four years already. He literally blew up our lives in those four years. The fact that he thinks I will be here in 10 years, waiting on him, shows how delusional his thinking really is.

He hasn't progressed at all .. no lessons learned.

I hope that he finds his way out someday, but I really don't think it will happen.

ImLin, I think your marriage will be stronger than ever thanks to the changes you have made. My life isn't exactly what I want it to be yet, but it will happen in time.

Blessings to you, too.

Val