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[limbo]

Hello All,

I has been some time since my last post, I lurk still often, but don’t post very much… I feel because I still struggle that I don’t have much to offer to others.
I still do battle with myself often as to if staying is what I want….My H still continues to do his best, and tries to make me happy.
But I continually still feel like I just can’t do it, that getting past all the pain and worry.
My H had such a total melt down that I worry that it will happen again, and to this end feel that I am still really removed from him and letting him truly back into my heart again.
I never dreamed that it would be so hard to make this journey, in some ways I feel that h is still hiding things from me, and while that happens there can never truly be full trust.
We did attend Retrouvaille just a year ago, and it did help, however we stopped going to core several months ago, and no longer dialogue, my H says when we talk its dialoguing.
So I feel that I am pretty much were I was a year ago, and things have just stalled.
Although H feels that things are wonderful, and we have never been better!

[Sara]

Limbo,

Was there a question there? If he is feeling one thing, and you are feeling another, and he doesn't know how you are feeling.....then it's time to pull out the notebooks. Dialoguing does make a difference. And it is not the same as discussing. Doing nothing is the insidious enemy. If you are not taking positive action, then things will get worse.

[DiDi]

Can "it" happen again?

Of course it can. Every single relationship we invest our hearts into has the potential to break them. Every. Single. One.

If you lose or throw this marriage away, because instead of working you put up walls to hide from the pain, what will make you feel secure in another one? What will make you feel safe with yourself?

Sweetie, you don't get past pain. You don't get over it, around it, or under it. You gotta go through it.

Get the notebooks back out and tell him you care about your marriage. (((limbo)))

[Kelly23]

Limbo, I feel like I was reading my own writing. I feel the same way about my life and my marriage. I am so lost. I am not sure who I am or what my life is anymore. I have not read your story yet but plan on reading it this week.
Hang in there!

[limbo]

Sara you are right! And I will talk to my H and tell him that I think we need to start dialoguing again, because when we “talk” its not really about us, it’s about everyday things. And I feel that this is the one big key that’s missing from all of this!
What you both say makes so much sense, if I sit back and do nothing waiting for him to do it again, then I have allowed the marriage to fail this time, because of my fear. Its time for me to step up!
I know if I tell H this he will be ok with it, but sometimes I still fear if I say or do the wrong thing then it will drive him away again!
Thank you all for checking in!

[limbo]

Hello,

I was on facebook last night, and was putting in names of old friends as you do, and put in the name of ow#1...previously she had never been there, but now she is, at least I am 90% sure its her, what has really bothered me is that for her picture she uses a picture of something that my H has always had a thing for, to the point he wants me to have a tattoo of it, it has always kind of been our thing, and to see it on her facebook, as really bothered me, what does it mean?
Is it a call sign to H saying she wants him, or is it saying she has him?
I just feel so low right now!

[limbo]

Last night I discovered that my H is looking at porn, and I don't think this is a good thing.
He was suffering from a bad headache, but still had to look at it, which tells me there is more to this then meets the eye.
I don't or should I say didn't have a problem with porn, but since the other problems I am less comfortable with him looking at it.
Also last night he was really off with me, barely talking to me, usually when he gets one of his headaches he wants me around, but last night was just really different.
So I am not sure what to make of it all, I haven't said anything, and wasn't really acting any different then normal.

[saffie]

Limbo,

I am sorry you feel like this.

Do you ever dialogue now? If not, it might be a good thing to start again.

[limbo]

Thanks Saffie,

I did ask H he we could start to dialogue again, and he said yes, but it hasn't been mentioned since.
I know what you will say that I should mention it again, but I want him to, I need to see that it is what he wants to do, that its important to him too.

I just feel that things are off with us, that we don't really have a relationship, not a real one, all he does it makes jokes about everything, and acts silly, but we never are serious. I just want some serious, some quiet time, but we never have that.
We barely hug or kiss, just in the mornings and before we go to sleep, then odd time there will be more.
I just don't know what to make of it all, he tells me he is happy, that he feels better then he has done in years, but the actions just aren't there.
Not sure what to do

[saffie]

Hey girl,

I go through these cycles too.

((((HUGS))))

One thing I know is that I cycle about things. I have to look at myself really hard sometimes to try and see if something is really as it is or if it is just my perception at that particular time.

If I think it is not just down to me being a bit 'off' or insecure I mention it to my H. Much though we would like them to 'know' things without us pointing them out I have now come to terms with the fact that my H is not a mind reader and he is not good at picking up on vibes.

He just processes things differently to me and much though that can upset/ annoy me at times, I have to just accept it; otherwise it is ME that gets upset.

I know this is a trivial example...but today my eldest D needed picking up from school. Now she had said she would phone when she needed picking up. My H decided he would be the one to pick her up. Both my D and I assumed therefore he would be at home waiting for the phone call.....because that's what we would do. No, he was waiting for her in a local supermarket car park. My D tried phoning the house several times and then in the end got me on my mobile. I tried phoning the house too. Neither of us expected him to leave the house when he had her to pick up - he just thinks differently to us.