We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

Post deleted by native

[native]

Onedge, MsMelancholy, Theotherhalf, JeninVen, etc:

[i] In light of my wife's deep depression and her habit of blaming it on me,I am considering a letter that is modeled on an example of a spouses response to his wife's depression after a car accident from KLA.

That particular H found that encouraging his W to do the things that would help her get better was backfireing so he took an opposite tact. He told her he realized he was expecting too much and that he needed to adjust his expectations to accept that she would remain physically limited and incapable of living the type of lifestyle they had before the accident. This had the effect of causing the W to actually do the things her doctor told her would make her better and her whole PMA changed.

Here is a rough draft. Please feel free to comment: [i]

I have been giving our situation a lot of thought and after quite a lot of consideration, I realize that for years now I have expected too much from you.

In light of your poor health, depression and other issues, I now realize that I was really off-base in expecting or hoping that you would be able to weather the demands of a family and marriage, much less learn new ways of healthy interaction that would rebuild our relationship.

The real miracle is that you were able to give yourself so completely to your job, friends, student-workers and strangers in spite of your unhappiness.

Though I wasn't the perfect husband and I faced a steep learning curve that I was unprepared for, I also realize that no matter what I have learned recently (perhaps had I even learned it way back when) or how much I am able to change will ever be enough for you, as I cannot go back into the past and undo my hurtful words or actions. I can only apologise and learn from it.

It is unfortunate, but I expect that all the insights I have gained from this may never be applied towards the repair of our marriage.

Though I know God forgives me, I don't expect or require you to. As for me, I needed to learn a lot to have ben able to be what you needed in a partner. But I know this situation has worked good in my life, better preparing me to have successfull, mutually fulfilling relationships in the future.

I'm sorry that you feel I have ruined your life. In spite of my best intentions, I made a number of mistakes. But considering your life is ruined and may always remain so without much hope of it ever changing, I will adjust my expectations of you and look in other directions for my own needs and happiness.

It is very dissapointing that our 9 years together have meant nothing but tragedy for you. I am deeply saddened that I was not able to be the partner you needed, to help you become a happier person.

I hope you find the fulfillment you are looking for and the help you need to weather the stresses of life and overcome your deep sadness.

Philip

[onedge]

I'm probably not practiced enough to really be able to give you any advise on this, I have taken the day to think it over but can't really think of anything to comment on. I have to admit that it is very tempting to send a similar email to my W, but i think that right now just isn't the time.


"The real miracle is that you were able to give yourself so completely to your job, friends, student-workers and strangers in spite of your unhappiness."
This line could sound like you are being critical and could come off as an attack.

Sorry Native, but that's kinda all I can come up with at the moment, I will try and think of anything else and post when i get home tonight.

[onedge]

I talked to W today, she asked to borrow more money off me, now owes me around $1000 (not that i care at all). her internet had been cut off. I asked her if everything else was ok, as she sounded miserable, she said she was fine, then said that she wasn't and that everything is going $hit at the moment, I said that if there is ever anything that she needs, she can ask, (i think I should have said "if you ever need to talk") she said no, and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

Any Ideas on how to try and baby step closer to being a friend?

I think that the fact that she "owe's" me money is not helping the situation either. I have told her that i don't care, but she insists on it every chance she gets. any idea's on how to relieve that at all?

[native]

Maybe you can tell her the $$$ is a gift and you aren't asking for repayment, or better yet, that it is more for the support of the kids needs than hers ? I don't know for sure.

One of the books I am reading says that the first thing to go out of a relationship that is suffering lack of intimacy is the element of fun. And so one of the first steps is to introduce fun back into R.

Is there anything fun that you and W used to do together that maybe you could invite her to do again with you ?

My W likes to play cards. We also got new bicycles and need to make a 'play date' to ride them somewhere.

Of course, W always likes to go out to eat.

And, if she wants to do anything fun, do not linger too long after the activity. Apparantly I did on the weekend before last and made her feel 'smothered'.

Regarding the letter, the line you picked out about 'The real miracle is...' is a thinly veiled criticism which I let slip through. I need to rethink that one because I am still angry about it, but I don't know if it serves my purpose in this letter. Thanks.

[MsMelancoly]

Native - I would not send the letter. I would keep GAL & detach. Too many words, too many attacks.

Onedge - I had a similiar sitch with my H as I had helped him financially before & after we were M. You giving money = her guilt. One reason my H left - was to take care of himself (he's still struggling in debt). One thing my DBcoach said was NOT to rescue. Is your W working? One rule I always had with lending $$ to anyone is don't lend if you expect it back & I will not lend to those who do not help themselves. (Meaning if they are sitting on their bum doing nothing - no money from me).

Maybe it's my harsh mood of late - but it sounds like your W needs to grow up. But I realize she's in a lot of pain. I would lend only for necessities, food, bus money - internet is not a necessity. Sorry, I don't mean that as an attack.

Has lending your W money helped or hurt your sitch? Or has it stayed the same?

[onedge]

W isn't working, and has pretty much found that she can't with her depression she tends to get emotional at work, so at the moment she is at home.

"Has lending your W money helped or hurt your sitch? Or has it stayed the same?" - I don't think it is helping the situation as such, but isn't taking me backwards either.

Warning rambling alert

On another note, she changed her Facebook status to something along the lines of "does not like being alone" or something like that.
I have stood by what I said before and spend minimal time on there and do not go on chat when she is on there.
Also, she has a semi-happy tone when she is on her own or with the kids, but when there is someone else around, she is quite short with me. I am very slowly cutting of the communication with W for the moment as it hurts me whenever I see her, or think about her.
At the moment, i think that the glamour of the separation (really a breakup) is starting to wear off. only thing is right now i'm not sure if being together is looking much better aside from financially.

I've had my rambling now

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Onedge, I totally understand. It is so difficult with a depressed spouse because you really want to fix things & make them better and make your spouse happy. Funny thing is they have to find their own happiness too. I'm not relgious - but I do believe in FAte. Maybe this is a road she has to go down to turn her own life around. Just remember with a depressed spouse, YOU are the source of their unhappiness - until they see otherwise. That's why detaching & reading those detaching threads is so helpful to me.

Strange - but last week my H & I had our 1st R talk since November. Since then, he admitted that he was trying to be as busy as possible so he didn't think about our M.

I've been thinking in general, this applies to my own sitch, yours, friendship in general & to a friendship my H has with his best male friend. Question is: When are you being a friend to someone and when are you being taken advantage of?

[onedge]

"Question is: When are you being a friend to someone and when are you being taken advantage of? "
well right now i think it's a bit of both.

I'm having a sad day today, W had some issues yesterday, someone broke into her house when she wasn't there, didn't take anything though. I sent her a message after she told me to check on her, then later on. I didn't get a message back and paniced drove over and sent another one from out the front, she was in bed.
I appologized for it, and she's a little upset about it. D10's father is moving back to this town in the next week or so. W said again that she doesn't think we will ever get back together. I am sad and haven't had a real hug in 3 months.I'm just getting sick of everything today.

[native]

"W said again that she doesn't think we will ever get back together"

How long ago did she drop the bomb ?

My W announced in March that she wanted a seperation. I just got my first 'real' hug Sat. (Six months). If we end up working this thing out I anticipate another 6-10 mos. before she is willing to work on it.

THE HUG

W had been with D all day bc D was the flower girl at a friends wedding.

(I was planning to attend the wedding but her 'friend' felt uncomfortable with me being there. That hurt, bc I wanted to watch D be the flower girl. I don't give a damn about her friend who wrongly took a past situation personally.....There had been an incident at her son's b'day party when I was blowing off some steam about my W as I had just endured a royal abuse session bc W was having period. Friend was apparantly sympathetic....with my W. Told W about it later. W was so angry with me she broke a mirror.

I don't know what 'friend' said, but I felt she overreacted in her sharing of this incident to W. I thought she (the friend)would understand how difficult it is for H's when W is unreasonably irritable due to period. Apparantly I have it backwards. I should empathise with their pain at having to go through the period. )

Anyway, on Sat W called from the church in a panic @ 3:00. D was hungry and unhappy. I talked W down off the ledge and brought a snack for D. I left and @ 20 min. later W called back to say thanks and to reassure me she was not frustrated with me. ( remarkable !)

I came to the reception an hour after that to p/u D so W could enjoy the reception. As D ran to me, I kneeled down to catch her in my arms, like we usually do whenever she sees me again.

In the corner of my eye, I saw my W beaming with a huge smile. (Very remarkable ! She doesn't smile much.)

More amazing is that she came over to me and gave me a genuine hug. I could not believe it. I didn't prolong it for fear of her deciding I was being smothering and D and I left shortly after.
I think W was relieved to pass D on to me. (Dealing with our D is something that seems difficult for her sometimes. So maybe I was her rescuer in this situation.) Whatever the reason, I was glad to get the completely unexpected hug.

I've begun to make a few attempts at GAling. Some friends of mine and I are talking about going camping soon. Took D to mountains Sun, and we explored Linville Caverns and took a short hike/picnic which she loved.

I also look forward to selling two older vehicles and replacing them with one better one. (Without her input on which one to get, or waiting forever for her to offer her opinion.)

Not to mention, I have more time to devote to my buisness/carreer and monetarily things are looking better already.

Oh yeah, the house is generally cleaner now, and I've begun to address some of the repair items that she has been unhappy about but would never offer help with, or help me with D so I could actually have time do deal with them.

So there is a bright side to this bad situation.