I think your e-mail was excellent. You expressed yourself in a very concise well thought out manner. It was probably really good for you to be able to say those things to her.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi AG - thanks, I know you aren't ignoring my responses. And no, it isn't really possible to avoid XW, but we only encounter each other rarely.
Thanks cookie. I wasn't sure about sending the email or not, but I felt I needed to express myself.
My XW sent back a reply saying she's sorry she'd become such a monster in my mind. She says she doesn't want to forget our life together and doesn't understand why I would think that she wanted to erase me from her life and memory. She says she still cares about me and very much wants to be friends, but her impression from the post-courtroom conversation was that I didn't want that. She said she wants to give me the space I need and hopes that friendship falls within that space - she'll wait for me to contact her when I'm ready. She ended saying there were many more things to respond to in my email but she didn't think I wanted to hear it.
Hmmm - is it just me or am I being portrayed as the bad guy here? Didn't RMG suggest earlier that this would be the case? She caused me the worst pain I've ever felt and told a judge that she was absolutely sure we were completely incompatible, but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends? After the cheating and lying and refusing to talk and being outright cruel, she is sorry that I turn her into a monster?
I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I feel justified in shutting her out of my life. This is what she wanted, right?
Hi lodo... pontificating with wine & email... something is bound to happen.
I hope the email gives you some closure & the grieving process can continue.. it's a process not a destination.
Your feelings are valid, it's easy to see why you would feel the way you do when you see & hear her (XW) say & do what she does.
Feelings are temporary... call on your friends when you tire of them and we'll chew off our arms to amuse you... or maybe not..myabe just exchange youtube videos
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I guess this past exchange gives me more closure. I can't be friends with someone who stands up in a court of law and testifies that she is absolutely certain she is completely incompatible with me. Unless I'm mistaken, friends need to be compatible.
You and I have talked and I'm fully aware that she feels hurt and pain as well. I tried for many months to show nothing but understanding, patience, love, and positiveness. She responded, but refused to grant us any time together - that would be eating into her phd/work time. She'd decided a long time ago to D without talking to me about it. The rest of this saga was just her choosing a very poor method of trying to let me down easy. But this is what she wanted - to end the relationship. So this is what she gets - the relationship is ended.
The difference between us is that she is focused elsewhere. She said things probably out of desperation and then forgot about them. Those words hurt me deeply and I thought about them again and again. Now she's surprised that I would think certain things? Part of me wants to forward all these emails back to her just so she knows what her words were. But, I won't. I don't need to have the last word.
*sigh* - now I'm back in this crappy space and thinking about it. Time for a walk.
Hmmm - is it just me or am I being portrayed as the bad guy here? Didn't RMG suggest earlier that this would be the case? She caused me the worst pain I've ever felt and told a judge that she was absolutely sure we were completely incompatible, but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends? After the cheating and lying and refusing to talk and being outright cruel, she is sorry that I turn her into a monster?
lodo,
Yep.... She is following the script to a T.........
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Everytime you communicate with XW - you give her a reason to respond. She is not going to say anything that will in any way make you feel better or give you closure.
Communicating with her will NOT give you closure b/c she will respond.
XW wants to maintain a connection with you - every time you communicate with her - you will give her what she wants.
Every time you communicate with XW - you will keep the drama alive.
XW has essentially said she will stay out of your space UNLESS you let her know it is okay to enter your space. Everytime you send XW an email - it is viewed by her as an invitation to enter your space.
Anytime XW says anything - it will make you feel crappy. So do not take action that will enable XW to say anything to you.
Okay putting away 2x4 now...
I know this is painful and hard. I know you want XW to say things that will in some provide some sort of rationale reason or justification for what she did. The problem is that there is no reasonable rationale explanation - it just does not exist.
If you feel like emailing XW - post it here and wait 48 hours. Sometimes just writing down your thoughts is enough - that whole send thing becomes irrelevant.
BTW: And if XW asks questions like if it is okay to attend the retreat - just say "Sure - I am okay with it. lodo" And actually when it comes to not so high road stuff - that answer will bug her more b/c she will feel that she is losing her connection with you. And you won't feel like crap.
Thanks for your thoughts. i know I could have simply replied with a short message saying I was okay with her being there. But I also feel like I've refrained from saying how I felt for much of my sitch. Now that it's over and I'm trying to give myself distance and protection, I wanted to express my feelings. Now that I have done so, I feel like I can turn my back. Up until now I've felt I owed her something. I don't feel that anymore.
BTW, I won't respond to her last email.
I just needed to walk off my reaction to all this emotion. It's getting easier and easier to get it out of my head.
I wanted to express my feelings. Now that I have done so, I feel like I can turn my back. Up until now I've felt I owed her something. I don't feel that anymore.
Then I am glad that the email gave you closure. I withdraw my 2x4's.
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BTW, I won't respond to her last email.
Good decision. In my case - I had to cut off all contact. Although you are much nicer than I am - The X was a little afraid of me post-D which actually made it easier - no sleeve tugging.
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I just needed to walk off my reaction to all this emotion. It's getting easier and easier to get it out of my head.
You are doing what it takes for you to get where you need to go.
You are taking care of you - that is what is important right now.
I lived in Buffalo and Lake Erie would freeze over. I would be surprised if Lake Michigan didn't do the same (but I don't know for sure).
You know gforce - it really is sad that after living in the midwest for 12 years I don't know the answer. And I use to commute downtown everyday for 8 years! I have an attitude problem that needs adjustment. I am going to find out this winter and i will have an answer!
BTW: I went to law school in Vermont. I love Maine. Acadia is one of my favorite national parks. And there is really great outlet shopping! And lobster...sigh...
