I agree with everyone else. He may not deserve it, but you still need to give him the same courtesy you would like yourself. And no one deserves to be blindsided.
One consideration is financial. If he knows that it is coming, will he be able to hide/transfer assets that are rightfully 50% yours?
If he has the ability to do this, you may need to surprise him with the filing. In my case I was made all kinds of promises as to what CW was going after and they all turned out to be lies. The bottom line is WAS's will do everything to either come out of the D financially secure or to relieve their guilt. Usually $ wins........
Last edited by mcojh; 09/27/0803:51 AM.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
The way I see it is, how did he serve you? I would duplicate the method he used. If he warned you, then I'd say warn him. And if he surprised you, ditto.
I don't know about that. I think my H tends to take the lower road a lot of times, but I don't think I want to do that. Taking the higher road I can sleep at night and know I've done my best. Don't forget to let us know too, so we can support you too!!! Karen
I really don't know which was worse, the limbo or the divorce. After x filed, he acted like everything should go on like normal and didn't do anything to make the divorce happen. Of course it did happen since we are a no-fault state now.
I feel as if I am finding the parts of the old me that I missed and am working to incorporate everything together into the person I want to become. Where is Dr Frankenstein when you need him?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well, I had the "talk" last night with him. I was upset yesterday about something totally unrelated to our marital status when I talked to him so my emotions were on overload. I told him I'm tired of it, I'm tired of everything... He got real quiet. I got quiet. He said are you still there? I said yes. He said I thought I lost you. I told him I could no longer live in limboland that I wanted to get a divorce. I said you won't make up your mind so I'm doing it. I can't live like this forever. I told him that I wanted a fair divorce that we would split everything in half. He then told me that if I took half of the business that he would probably have to file bankruptcy. I said I did not ask for all of this to happen, but I will not let you have everything that we worked for together to build. He said I won't be able to send the girls to school. I said I do not plan on barely getting by while you do whatever and whenever you decide to do it. He said I think about our situation everyday and everynight. I said is the only reason you called off the divorce is you don't want to lose the business. He said no, that's not it. He then told me that he had to go to the bank and then he would come get me for the game that was out of town. I barely talked to him on the way up there. I noticed he kept staring at me out of the corner of my eye. After the game we driving home and his phone rang. He looked at it and silenced it. I said who was that? He didn't answer and I kept staring at him. He finally said, yes it was her. I said well, don't let me stop you from talking to her in a very cold voice. When we got to my house he told me that he isn't involved with her anymore, but they do talk on the phone, that she calls him. I said you will always be involved with her as long as she works for you. He said he was afraid to fire her because he was afraid she would sue him for unjust dismissal, but thought if she knew we were getting back together she would quit. I told him I could not tolerate the way he has treated me anymore. I told him that he had not even tried to work on our marriage. He got really quiet and said in a very quiet remorseful voice, I know. I told him that all marriages have problems and ours had ours, but until we worked on them they couldn't be fixed. I said no one wins in a divorce, not you, not me, not the kids. He said I know. I told him that if he wanted to be with her, he should be with her, but given time they too would have problems because all marriages do. He said I know. I gave him lots of "truth darts" as Puppy would call them.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I know this was really tough on you. But only you can know when enough is enough. We're always here for you, please remember that.
I was thinking about your H refusing to let OW go -- predictably he is throwing the wrongful dismissal card out there. While that might be a legitimate concern, we all know there are ways to let someone go, short of an outright dismissal. Some methodologies I have become quite familiar with (being on the receiving end). H could, for example, hire someone else for her position and demote OW to another lesser role. That alone would send the right signal to OW that it was past time for her to move on. I know it can be difficult to overcome inertia, but the fact that your H was not willing to come up with any "creative" means of encouraging OW to leave tells me he hasn't quite been sincere. Not really.
He needs to wake up and realize that he needs to set the priorities in his life, and to get straight in his mind those things in life that are most important. Life is too short to be wrapped up in one's own selfishness.
Saffie and NC, I still want my marriage to work more than anyhing, but I also know that I cannot and will no longer tolerate what he was doing to me.
I had to get off of here abruptly because I got a phone call. I would like to add more of the conversation. He told me that he saw changes in me that he liked but he was afraid I would go back to my old ways. I said what are those changes. He said I like that you get out much more now. I said yes, you are right that I didn't get out much before I was put being a mother first and as a result our marriage suffered, but the girls are older now and they don't need me as much anymore. He also said we never communicated. I told him he was the one that went straight to the bedroom to watch television everynight when he was home. I told him that the both girls are almost grown now, that this should be our time, but he never gave us a chance. He said I know. He said I always have a million things going through my head. My stomach stays in knots. I told him I could understand that given that he was playing two women. I told him I wish he would share a couple of those million thoughts going through his head. He said what if we got back together and it didn't work? I said think we would need counseling and the secretary would have to go for us to really try. He said I don't know about the counseling. He said I know that there is someone who could do her job just as well. I said do you care about her more than me? He said no, I care about you more, we have been together too long for me to not care about you. I told him that I was giving him his freedom and if he wanted to pursue a relationship with her, this was his chance, that he needed to call his lawyer. He said I'm really tired right now, and I've got to get up at 5:30 am, can we talk about this tomorrow? I said you have said several times you were going to call and you didn't. He said I will call you. I said if I don't hear from you, I will know that you are not willing to accept my requirements and we will get divorced.
Another thing I told him is that if OW is still calling him, maybe he is over her but she isn't over him. I said you both could never go back to having a employer/empoyee relationship. I said an employee does not just call their boss to chat.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
