Saffie, H did call Saturday night as he promised. He had been working all day out of town and got in late. I really was beginning to to think he wasn't going to call.
DD was having friends over to watch a movie so I went to H's house. We were talking about our day and having a nice time. I asked him if he had thought about everything I had said the previous night. He said yes, he wanted to work on us. I excused myself to go to the restroom. I noticed in his trash can there was an empty pack of cigarettes. H does not smoke, but the skank does. I must admit I let my temper get to me. I went back in the den and asked him about them. He said I told you she was came over the other night and stayed a little while. I got angry which made him angry. So our conversation shut down. He said when you act like this I don't want to get back together. I said I've told you that you are going to have to cut out all contact. Are you going to tell her we are trying to work things out? He said I was, but I'm not so sure right now. I finally calmed down, but we did not discuss us any further because I know I should have not acted so irrationally. I want to talk when I'm not angry. I did talk to him briefly Sunday and we were both in a better mood. I am so mad at myself for letting my anger get the best of me. I will not be able to continue the conversation this week as it is DD's homecoming week and there are many activities going on.
Ugggghhhhh!!!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Would have gone better if you hadn't gotten mad. Keep your cool. Then have him sign a no contact agreement which clearly states what that means and what the reprecussions are if he can't. Hugs. You can do this.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I feel uncomfortable about your H's reaction when you found the cigarette carton and got angry. What right has your H to get mad at you about that? It just doesn't feel right. I think if your H were genuine about wanting to work on things then he would have been more concerned about how you were feeling than that. Getting angry back does not sound like the behaviour of someone wanting to reconcile.
Piecing is hard, and it's unlikely that you will get through that without some harsh words and arguments along the way. If your H is getting defensive and angry at this stage, when you are not even back under the same roof, then I feel sad. As I see it, he has learned that you back down when he comes on aggressive; it's a pattern he needs to break. It just doesn't smack of him being the slightest bit remorseful. If my H had still been having contact with OW like this I would have seen him pay in some way.( I mean, this guy is a non-smoker who will put up with the habits of a smoker in order to have a R with her but God forbid you mention he's had the skank around when he's M'd to you; where are his morals?).
If I am completely honest, it seems to me that he suddenly got nice because you mentioned the D word. It always makes him stand up and pay attention. My gut tells me he will just about say anything in order not to lose out financially.
Yoyo, you deserve WAY BETTER than the crumbs he is dishing out and hoping you will grab on to. I am sorry if I sound jaded but this just doesn't feel right. You stick to your guns and don't let him bully you back down.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
ok you had the best of intentions going over there, but I would be just like you when you found the smoke package in the trash. I remember when h said he wasnt having lunch with her anymore, and one day I found one of her lipsticked coated butts in the ashtray of our durango, I AM NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN IT! As it was still brand new then, all my fwd progress and good intentions left me. So I do understand why you got mad. I hope today is better for you.
Last edited by Babygirl; 09/29/0803:38 PM.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
If you really want to work this out, you need to accept the fact that your husband, for the time being, is still sleeping with the OW.
Nagging him about it and blowing up won't help.
You are trying to negotiate. with him, not brow-beat him. Do it from a cool state of mind.
What we are talking about here is what works.
On the other hand, ask youself what kind of wife you need to be to keep him from straying, Yoyo. He acts like he's always ready to bolt at the LEAST provocation. And you still cater to that. the balance of power is still in his favor. You have to shift that. I'm seeing little or NO changes in him. You are still walking on eggshells around him berating yourself for being mad that your husband, who claims to want to work it out, is STILL seeing the OW.
Effectiveness is one thing, living the rest of your life walking on eggshells is another.
After two years of this he needs to learn to accept that his infidelity will get you MAD.
If you want, state the terms in writing, be cleat, blunt and don't back down. He either meets them or he doesn't.
We discussed this a long time ago in previous posts, Yoyo. What do YOU want from this marriage? You seem to want to save it with only one condition, he stops sleeping with OW. Is that all you want from your life with him? He hasn't changed much.
You need to drive this train, Yoyo. Stay in control.
Saffie, I agree with you 100%. I let my anger get the best of me. I should have approached this with calmness. I believe I should have said something to him about the cigarettes, but I should have done it in strong matter of fact voice. When I become defensive, he becomes defensive. I am in no way defending him because you are right he has a lot of things to work on, but I've got to rein in my emotions so they can be discussed rationally. This is not over, I will revisit our conversation once homecoming week ends. I do not want to ruin my daughter's moment, it is very important to her.
Saffie, I appreciate your honesty, and I know it all to be true what you have said. He will not have his cake and eat it too.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I know it's not good to lose one's temper. Theo's post above, (as usual ), was so clear and concise. (He always manages to say what I mean to say....in a much better and clearer way)!!! I just think that in these scenarios it is hard to always keep one's composure, ( however good one's intentions are going in), and your H's reaction to you when you do lose your cool is not that of a man who feels sorry for his actions.
I hope your DD has a great week this week.
(((((HUGS)))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well, I kind of agree with Theoden. Of course you got mad! You're human. I just think a lot of us here seem to do so much reigning in our emotions, shining a light back to us, and knocking ourselves out. And what does the WAS do in return? I mean it shouldn't have to be straight give and take, but sometimes it seems like we give 100% and how much are they giving--0 or 5% or something? That's just wrong! Karen
