Thanks everyone for holding my hand and smacking me when I need it. Theo, I didn't see your post. We must have posted at the same time. As usual your words resonate with wisdom.
I felt like I did so well Friday night and then I let my anger get me Sat. Friday night I asked him to be honest with me and he was. He told me she had been over there recently. He told me she was still calling him. He told me it had been a couple of weeks since she had been over. When I found the package he told me he just hadn't taken his trash out. Yes, the trash can was full and I looked down and just happened to see the cigarette pack below some other things, gold, it caught my eye. No, I wasn't digging through his trash. I can't help but think that maybe she planted them there hoping I would see them. I've got to learn to control my reactions.
Yes, I want more out of my marriage. I want to be able to feel loved, to have a companion, to have someone to share my pain and joy with. Can I accomplish this with him? I don't know. Friday night it seemed I saw a breakthrough in him that I haven't seen in weeks, but then Saturday I engaged him in an argument and undid everything from Friday night. I know it's not totally undone, I know I gave him lots of food for thought. But, I definitely set us back!
I've got to stop letting the skank get under my skin, that's exactly what she wants to do!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
You have got that right. She is an enemy of your marriage and will do anything to speed up it's demise. Know what you want and go for it. We all have taken steps back for every step forward so don't beat yourself up over it.
kat
Last edited by kat727; 09/29/0804:44 PM.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I read your post about your attempted conversation with your H, and I had the same reaction that others have already stated. I don't like how your H turns this around back onto you (I've seen the same attitude from my own W.) I agree that getting angry is counter-productive, but there is no need to beat yourself up over that. It was a natural reaction, maybe even justified, but it doesn't help your stance and just gives the WAS the ammunition they need to turn it completely around back onto you (us).
I have to keep reminding myself that cooler heads will prevail.
But again, your H is still dodging the real issues here and placing the onus squarely on your shoulders. Don't let him do that. Furthermore, his reaction brings into question his sincerity.
One piece of advice: Next time don't be the first to call the other to discuss when to meet. I don't like the implications of you calling him first to establish the meeting -- that should have been his job if he really wants to save the M.
Instead, let him continue to worry about you filing for D. Calmly remind him once more -- in clear, no uncertain terms -- what your minimal requirements are for him to prove his sincerity in reconciling the M -- put it in writing too, if need be -- and say no more. Leave the ball in his court and don't lift a finger to meet him any closer in the middle (I think we can all agree you've already done that in spades already.) For too long he's managed to get the upper hand. Instead, stand strong and let him sweat it.
If he can't comply with you minimal requirements -- getting rid of the OW once and for all, for example -- then calmly say nothing and just start taking actions to proceed with the very consequences you spelled out for H, namely, ending the M.
NC, You are right as usual. H did call me Saturday night. He had told me Friday night that he was tired and asked if we could continue the conversation Saturday. We never got a chance to really finish the conversation because I lost my cool. You are right though he definitely needs to step up to the plate more.
Thanks and hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
If, and only if, you want to get your spouse back, DB principles tell you not to get angry, remain attractive, etc.
This does not mean that this is normal behavior. DB-ing is partly save yourself, partly mess with their head with counter-intuitive detachment.
The moral reality of the situation is that your H seems to think that moving out, sleeping with his secretary and humiliating you and your daughters is acceptable, while you being angry about it not. It's insanity.
The balance of power is still in his favor and he doesn't seem to have changed a whole lot. It's still asking you to "prove" you've changed, etc.
I think, at this point, stating your terms in writing with clarity and dignity is the best thing. State what you will do if he doesn't comply with them: you will proceed with the divorce. It's what Michelle calls the ultimatum. She makes provision for it in DR. This seldom gets discussed on the boards, but it's still a strategy. It's not giving up, it's using strength and direct force to test his resolve and his sincerity.
I think one of your terms is that after you get together again, if you find out he's spoken to, seen or text-messaged this woman ever again, you will throw him out and D him.
I hope you can put aside issues with H (unfortunately they will still be there when you return to pick them back up...) and have a really wonderful week with your DD and Homecoming!!!
Lots of hugs coming across the border to you!!!!!!
Last night was the informal homecoming dinner for the homecoming court and the senior football players. The kids had a great time. Of course the main fare was barbeque, it is the south after all. This morning they had a breakfast at 7:00 am, the usual time that DD gets up for school. She is not a morning person at all. At 6:30 I noticed she wasn't in the shower yet so I went and woke her up and told her she had 30 minutes to get ready. She sit straight up in bed and said "Oh Sh*t",and she is supposed to be a southern lady, where is the soap when you need it? She took a shower and was ready by 6:55!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
