Hi Tim, Thanks for checking on me. I was out of town from Monday to Thursday and it was such a relief. I don't think I realized how much I needed a break from this.
Before I left H & I talked a bit about the C. and I left it in his court whether or not he was comfortable going back to him or not. He decided 'not'. He cancelled his appointment he had for C yesterday.
We spent a bit of time together on Sunday before I left and then when he dropped by to see D on his way through town last night. Each time it has been less than an hour.
And I have been pretty good about dropping the rope & being more explicit with what I am feeling and need. I think that has him off balance, which makes me nervous, because when he is off balance he is more likely to become overwhelemed with emotions, which means unpredictable behaviour. Unpredictable behaviour from him is scary for me.
The late night/early morning phone calls have resumed, but I have had my phone on silent almost all the time and it just goes to voicemail, so it really isn't bothering me.
However, I struggle with the guilt of not being available to him when he wants to talk, but I have also heard from him that he thinks as long as I pick up the phone & talk to him that things are still 'ok'.
Things are not 'ok'. I am needing to finish my degree by May, and yet I need to start looking for jobs for next school year now.. which adds a whole layer of stress.
Where do I start to look? Locally is not an option for what I do. I'm looking at at least a 75 mile commute to the next closest place that hires people that do what I do. These jobs only open during the next few months of the year and then not again until this time next year.
Do I look further afield to parts of the country where I have friends? That means D stays here with him or I take her away from her Dad, or things have been pieced together enough that he comes along. None of which seem to viable options for me now.
I am awash with anxiety about life choices right now. But on the other hand, I can let it go and GAL, at least for a while. I have faith that God will show me something eventually and it will work out.
Thanks again for checking on me! Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hey purple GF. hope things are still going OK with you?
Thanks for checking on me.. my H makes me grrr sometimes too and then other times I can just look at him like an alien has abducted him and I wonder what happened to the man I fell in love with (when I was way to young!)
oh well.... he makes his choices. AS you can see from my post to Tim, he decided to not go back to this counselor. I'm dropping the rope on this one, if he wants back to commmunications counseling (which I think was actually helping a lot), then he can make the next move for who that would be with.
take care and thanks for checking on me peace & hugs bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Keep your phone on silent there is no need for you to talk to him late at night or early in the morning if you do not want to. He knows that you don't like it and it amazes me that he still does it. IMHO if he wanted to talk to you and not try to control you he would call at a more respectable hour.
I would also contiue to keep your alone time with him short. If you feel scared of him it is not a good thing to be around him.
Take care and have a good weekend. I hope your degree and the insuing job search pans out for you.
"Before I left H & I talked a bit about the C. and I left it in his court whether or not he was comfortable going back to him or not. He decided 'not'. He canceled his appointment he had for C yesterday."
And this really surprises you in some way? I knew he wasn't going the day you posted the C asked for separate sessions. I saw him weaseling out! DAM!
"I think that has him off balance, which makes me nervous, because when he is off balance he is more likely to become overwhelemed with emotions, which means unpredictable behaviour. Unpredictable behaviour from him is scary for me."
But.. at the same time this is likely where you will see the most changes. If you can keep him "off balance". Unpredictable can be good.. you just have to "steer" it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Before I left H & I talked a bit about the C. and I left it in his court whether or not he was comfortable going back to him or not. He decided 'not'. He canceled his appointment he had for C yesterday."
And this really surprises you in some way?
no it doesn't... I had hope he would make a different choice, when he didn't, it has made me extraordinarily sad and I feel like things are starting to border on hopeless.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
I saw him weaseling out! DAM!
same as he did when the MC 18 months ago started pushing him to deal with the 'other issues'. He made the choice to put the job over the MC. I haven't heard that this time, but the choice to stop going and not look for another C, leaves me thinking the same outcome will result.
Originally Posted By: ForrestGump
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
"I think that has him off balance, which makes me nervous, because when he is off balance he is more likely to become overwhelemed with emotions, which means unpredictable behaviour. Unpredictable behaviour from him is scary for me."
But.. at the same time this is likely where you will see the most changes. If you can keep him "off balance". Unpredictable can be good.. you just have to "steer" it.
This is what I see what is different & where he is off balance.
I state what I am feeling, and I need... the first words out of his mouth are 'no' and he goes on to explain his feelings & what he thinks.
I listen and say I hear you saying xyz...
then I repeat.. I feel, I need... and again the cycle repeats.. he says 'no'etc.
depending on my level of detachment from him at this point, I can go up to three times trying to state my feelings & needs. At which point, I say something to the effect of
I'm not being heard and it is making me frustrated. this needs to stop, please leave, please change the subject, please do something else.
Usually at that point he starts to realize how he has again, failed to listen and hear me, how he has negated my feelings by continuing to argue his and he 'falls apart'. ****
From here on out is not new behaviour, when he thinks he has failed this is his default action and usually mine (at the end).
He becomes disparaging of himself, he jumps to extreme anticipations of what we/he should do (leave & never contact me again, get kicked out of my house, never get what he needs - held, etc.) and it is just a flood of words that when I try to interject, then I'm interrupting. And by now I'm flooding with frustration & hurt that is what he thinks I think & want and I walk away. It is at this point that the physical action of restratining me or pushing me have occurred.
I don't know how to steer this one.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I hear your frustration and expressions of hopelessness and they seem very understandable and reasonable. That said, we only know your side of the story and he may feel very differently.
So I'm curious what you might think he, in your heart of hearts, is feeling. You know this man very well. So take yourself out of the equation for a minute. Set aside your own feelings and try to put yourself in the shoes of someone he might confide in. What would he say to you? How would he portray things? Do you think he's stable or not? Do you think he's capable of change or not?
Your expectations and feelings are preventing you from steering this one, IMO. That said, can those things realistically be put on hold in order to attempt improvement given the way things have been happening, given your own pressures, and given the way you feel about him?
Can you rise above the turmoil long enough for him to try to find a way to join you?
Put another way, can you be the one who is the healing influence on his anger and frustration, despite the fact that you're angry and frustrated? I'll be honest, given the sitch as described, I'd find that hard to do. But, there it is. He can't get there because of the antagonistic feelings, and only you can relieve that antagonism and make him feel safe, even though you're the one who NEEDS to feel safe.
So, what do you want? What are you willing to do?
On a side note, there's someone over in Divorced, lovenomatterwhat, that I recommended read your thread to get insight to how his wife might feel the need to protect herself. If you have time, could you take a look at his sitch?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
