Glad you are feeling much better and sorry that your R/M has deteriorated to the point where you may have to end it. I know it must be an extreemly difficult decision for you to have to make. Try and keep your spirits up and if you need to talk you know how to get a hold of me.
Ironically, about a week after this last incident, over supper, her & I had a discussion about date rape and abuse by boyfriends...when I questioned her about it.. her response... "if he really loves me, he won't push/shove, hit, jerk me around, etc... I'd dump his ass and let everyone know how he treats women."
uh-huh... good for you honey, now eat your veggies, no.. no.. those aren't tears..I just need to be excused to get this piece of lint out of my eye.
Not sure how much I'll keep posting. I just wanted those who were reading along, to know where things were at.
Out of the mouths of babes. I hope behind the tears your heart was soaring because you see that you are doing a great job as a strong, single, working mom.
One day D14 & I were watching a show, & she said "sometimes the worst stuff happens to people when they are kids, I wonder if that's because God knows they can handle it, & become a really great person" I had lint in my eye too.
Hugs & love
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I think I have some lint in my eye today, too. The babes are adjusting, a little. Hey Bridge, this (moving out and going to court) is not nearly as bad as enduring the physical/verbal/emotional blows. It's as scary as hell, but it's HEALTHY. He can't hurt me anymore. And the big bad Hus, is going down, hard. Goldeylox just rescued her 3 bears. Sending big giant enormous hugs to you in the alternate universe Bridge. Give a holler so we know you are okay. love, Goldey
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Thanks Forrest for pointing out what I did not see face-to-face.. I told him in October after the last incident.. he needed to find his own.. he was not happy with the one we saw for communication... he admitted through many tears that he felt attacked by him and was very resentful of the 'damage' he thought the guy did to our R.
I digress... the changes H has made continue to be amazing, when he gets off track (as he has the past few days- it has been 3 weeks & I wish I could 'bottle up' this guy's stuff & re-inoculate H with it.. but that would be me 'fixing' it & he needs to recognize & get his own re-innoculation!) & the IC gets him back on track
... I think he must be familiar with Stosny's work as I hear a lot of that from H now.
It has been enough of a 180 & consistancy for me that I have started seeing H's IC's wife who is also in practice with him, as my IC. I am hopeful that we may end up in C together, to work out the issues that have plagued this R for years as two healthy(ier) individuals.
For me, H is finally seeing these issues through a more healthy lens, instead of blame, inadequacy and rage. I too, am seeing myself & my role in our issues more realistically than I have in the past and owning my power to state my needs & my emotions, instead of being a martyr.
I still have my paperwork ready to go to a mediator, I am not an optimist that we will reconcile as intimate partners, but I at least feel there is hope for us to be healthier co-parents, business partners, & eventual friends.
For me trust & dependability for emotional safety remain at the heart of my issues. His 'old' behaivours feed my fears, but as I have confronted some of those fears I have found that we really have some incompatibility issues.. as one blogger for marriage issues calls it.. we have comfortably 'unhappy' for years.
I have found that acknowledging that the two of us are incompatible is not as awful as denying & feeling ashamed of who I really am, just because it was contrary to H. I'm trying to be done doing that. As a co-dependent it is difficult.
I acknowledge my imperfections, idiosyncracies, beauty marks, strengths, values, and beliefs and love me & the dance I do in my life.
H may or may not be the partner I finish the dance with.. I may never find anyone that I happy/comfortable dancing with, other than myself.
I want a partner for intimacy- physically, emotionally, spiritually, & mentally but I am worth not settling for a less than satisfactory partner... settling for less than I deserve is not fair to either me or them.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I also sooo know what you mean about the incompatibility stuff. It's saddening but in another way, releasing to realise that I (or we) are not 'less than' our spouses and it's just that we are different.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Had IC yesterday... She reinforce that if I didn't 'cause' H's emotions of despair, hurt sadness by calling names, being mean, disresptful etc...
I'm not responsible for them. He is causing them. I can listen I can validate.. I can offer comfort doing things I can do (that are good, not detrimental for me).
When he stomps his feet & goes off to have his temper tantrum because he didn't get comfort in his way (ie: physical touch or sex)... he needs to take care of his disappointment in a more mature way. He needs to learn how to take 'no' for an answer (this sounds a lot like our D14). I have taught him that he doesn't have to take no for an answer or 'deal' with his disappointment much in the past as I have done that for him.
It is really hard to see him hurting & not jump into 'make him feel better'. He needs to learn, I need to learn... this dance is hard.
Happy new year everyone. Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing really well. I hope 09 brings you and your H great happiness even if it is living seperate lives and learning how to co-exist and co-parent.
hi all... I keep trying to trust H & have been vulnerable with him about my co-dependency.
He turns it around & calls me a victim.. (12 times in the past week) since I have shared that with him. I have told him at least 1/2 of those times.. please don't label me... that is not what I am calling myself, you are not hearing my thoughts or feelings.
I finally sent him the following text.. Your choice to use words to label & demean me. I have asked U 2 stop, U have continued. U keep poking at trust I give U. I share things about co-depend, D14, $$, jobs, friends & b/c I feel unsafe now, will not B sharing as much.
He called to apologize... sort of.. he is in his 'poor me pity me' party. "I failed, I wasn't enough again"
S19 told us both off last night.. he's tired of this crap. he sees part of the issues but not all of them & of course he thinks (like most men & all teenagers) he knows how to 'fix' it.
Of course for H, that was just fuel for the fire of how I'm doing horrible things to our family & look at the effect of my WA..on it... yeah, yeah... I know. If I accept all the blame.. there's none left to go around. works out wel for him...ugg...
not a pretty day today... feeling defeated & hopeless. Have the papers up on the computer & am tempted to send them. I'm not apathetic enough yet.. I'm just tired.
TGIF Bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 01/02/0908:20 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
