Hello to all you wonderful guys that have come here to support me. On the Edge, you said something that I have realized I was doing, and that was bringing up my age and that of my H. I suppose it was b/c I realized that the majority of this community on the bb is much younger than I am......maybe a few that aren't telling (lol) are as old or even older. But, you are right, I need to stop doing that.
When I was in an EA with OM, I was drawn to him first of all b/c of how he made me feel. I was in a place that I needed to feel young, pretty and sexy. He gave that back to me for a short period of time. But, it was not his place to do that.....it should have been my H's. The sad part is that after I stopped the contact with OM, it was like my body just gave up. My spirit or self esteem or something was broken (in some strange way) and I could not find the desire to fix myself up and look younger, sexier, etc. I do feel "old" and I thought maybe I should just accept it and stop trying to fight it b/c that was the thing I was having a problem with at the time OM came along. The thought of turning 60 was hitting so hard. I suppose I thought the more I admitted my age and "being old", the more I could accept the cold hard facts......lol. However, you are right and I have over done that! So, as of right now......I will stop doing that. This is after any posts I may have already written tonight...lol. So, that is my 180!
Mr. Fix It......(((hugs))) to you. My heart hurts so much now b/c I remember very well when you first came on board. I am so sorry for the loss and the pain you are feeling right now. I do believe you have improved as an individual person......and as a man......very much. I don't know that that helps your feelings, but I remember telling you how proud I was of you the last few times we talked. That wasn't exactly the approach that I took in the first post I sent you, was it? (lol) I only wish I could make this better for you. Believe me when I say that anytime a person changes for the better.....their work has not been in vain. That is why I told you to make the changes for yourself and not to get your wife back again. Even though you are hurting, you will make this.....okay? You will survive this and come out okay. If this had happen before you came on board....I don't think you would have been okay, so that is how much you have improved! I hope you will start another thread. Come back here to tell me what forum you are in b/c I don't want to lose contact. We are still here for you. There are a lot of people whose M did not last, but they are still here. This is a place for therapy. You still need us to talk to, cry, or blow off steam......just like I've been doing the past few days. It helps a lot. The friends I've made here on DB are very special.
All of you have meant the world to me to come here and just let me know that you care. Just b/c I've been around a while doesn't mean my M doesn't need improvements. It was two years ago this month that I got involved in a EA and didn't even recognize it as being that. It was just.....more like.....entertainment b/c I was so bored and lonely. Then it turned into more ego food, and then more.....emotional needs being met. If it had not been for finding the people here on this board and the fact that they did not treat me ugly b/c I was a AWAW......I don't think I could have stayed in my M. It has taken me a very long time, as you can see, just trying to hang in here. I do want to "try" again and I do want to have a "desire" again. It is sooooo hard when you don't have those feelings. I know, I know......do it anyway. I've read the book!
Okay, guys, I am going to make two goals here. I say only two at first, b/c I am the type that would go over-board and make too many that I could not reach and then give up. So, as I said, my 180 and my first goal is to not refer to my age or getting older, etc. If any of you catch me......call my hand on it b/c I think I've allowed it to become a habit now. Then the second is to stop acting like a "victum" to my health. That one will be very difficult, so please......I need you all to help me with that one. I have talked about my health as much, if not more, than my M problems. It has taken control of my life and I want to take my life back again! Until I can do that....I just don't think I will have the physical energy or mental motivation that I need to make improvements in my M. I need a lot of prayer for that to happen. I have been through a lot of things, but nothing like this physcial chronical problem. I have a fear of becoming totally disabled. I share that with you so that you might pray for me if it is God's will that I won't be disabled and that I will regain my life and be more the way I once was. With God's help and you all encouraging me......(and getting on my case when I need it).....I am going to try a lot harder to NOT allow my physical problems to constantly dictate my life. Don't let me talk like I am feeling sorry for Sandi.....or that I can't do certain things b/c of my Fibromyalgia. I need words of understanding b/c I have had enough of the "other side" to last a lifetime. However, when you see that I am falling down on my goals.....just tell me.
Well, I've talked long enough about this. Thanks again to all of you. I didn't call everyone's name, but each of you and your posts meant so much.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi for the kind words and the encouragement. Where do you recommend that I start a new thread? I wish my relationship wasn't so poor with the W so that she could give you some other info on how to deal with you fibro. She evidently has become much better now that she is with OM. I do believe it has allot to do with diet. My sisters employer just wrote a book, I believe I told you about it, but it doesn't come come out until Dec., I'll let you know the title when it is published. Sandi, I may be going here where I shouldn't go. If what I say below is off base, then I apologize from the bottom of my heart even though it is pretty broken right now. On your R with your H, do you want it to work? Is it in your heart? It is really strange being here on the internet typing away to people you will never see, how easy it is to get rapped up in their problems. You see that all the time. You can't wait to get online to see whats new. I'm the same way, it just draws me in, I want to check me emails 50 times a day and before I know it, the day or evening is gone. Am I wrong, if so tell me, but first you really need to think about it. Being online gets me away from all the problems that I should be dealing with. Like right now I should be working on and sorting paperwork for my lawyer so I screw my W out of penny she thinks she might get but doing that brings out memories of her, SSSOOOOO, here I am, avoiding the problem. Is it bad? Not necessarily, I'm just putting off the inevitable. But I think if you are in a R with someone who loves you in their own way, that is wrong. How do you deal with it, only you can answer that. the answer is inside you. Do I want to feel young, sexy, desirable, full of vigor, your damn right but I'm now 57. I lost 18 years of my life with that woman, not feeling any of that and I want it now. Where am I going with this, I don't know. I suddenly got side tracked on myself, sorry. I've told you this before, you spend allot of time here, maybe thats where you want to be, in a safe place, but is not fair to the marriage. You have to figure that one out. Did I explain that well enough to understand? I'm not beating on you at all, I'm trying to help you think it through in my own way, which of course could be the wrong way. Anyway, pleeaase don't take it the wrong way You really are in my prayers Sandi, God Bless Take care Peter
No, I did not take what you said the wrong way at all. In fact, I understand exactly what you are saying. At first, after I decided to stay in the M.....well, I don't think I had completly decided at the time I came on board, but I was still here and involved with the OM in a EA. This board is what turned me around and, of course God, but I think God worked through all the right people to say the right things to me to stop what I was doing before I messed my life up forever. So, when I made the decision to stay, I tried hard to get my H to go with me to a MC or a Pasor and he was hard set against it b/c I think it was to "save face".....I don't know (go figure), but I knew him well enough to realize that it would do no good to argue with him. However, I knew I needed some help so I kept coming back here until I could get through the worst of it. Then, I wanted to try to help others......if I could.
It does have some addiction to it.....like most things on the Internet, or TV or whatever that can become a habit. I have tried to go for days without getting on line, or maybe answer only a couple of posts and when my H comes home....get off and stay off for the evening or until he fell asleep on the couch (which is usually every evening). For quite a while now, I have not gone on the Newcomers and picked up anyone that has just started and have narrowed my "list" to reply to down a lot compared to what it use to be. I use to think if somebody asked me to take a look at their stitch that I just had to do it and it almost became more than I could do to keep up. I think that is when I started getting some of them confussed and would have to go back to re-read part of it as a refresher. But, I am not doing as much now b/c I feel that I need to back away "some" but not completely. I don't have children at home and it's just my H and I. Since I am about shot from work all day, this is how I stay off my legs and it still is therapy for me. Just like yesterday when I was told that I was refering to my age too much. I need encouragement and you all here on the bb are about the only ones that will do it b/c nobody else knows about what happened in my M except for a couple of close family memebers.
I would suggest that if you find it too addicting to the point that other things are being neglected, that you either back off or else leave it alone. Especially if/when you have the children. Their needs come first. If, however, you still need the encouragement to help you through the next several months, then why not try to set a buzzer and limit yourself to a certain amount of time spent on the board. I had rather see you do a little than none at all, just b/c I think you will need the support or you will get really depressed.
Yes, I want to stay in my M and I do want it to be much better than what it is. My problem, as I've told many times to those that have stuck around for a long time, is that my desire was shot. When I was going to leave a year ago last Feb., I did not think I was in love with my H any longer and never would feel like a wife should feel toward her H. I thought he had let me dry up and wither away just like a neglected rose. Just b/c I did not leave and stayed in the home....it did not mean that I was happy about it. So, it took me a very long time to even reach a point to be willing--"to be willing" to try. I have been willing for quite some time, but as I said yesterday....to do that without the feelings is about more than I can muster now. Maybe it goes back to having to do that for sooooo many years that I almost feel like a person that has "burn-out". If you have ever had burn-out then you know what I am saying. My H did back off and give me space and he doesn't force any physical affection on me. I am not sure that I am still ready for much more than what we are doing at this time. I am sorry to say that I am not sure that I want to have sex, and he couldn't anyway, so maybe it's just as well. It has been so many years now. At times, I feel that I need the intimacy so badly and I feel so alone b/c he doesn't share a bed with me, but it's just like it has been for all these years. I know he is not going to change b/c I don't think he knows how. I wonder if he even cares now. Maybe this all did somethig to him that affected his feelings for me. I might walk out that door and he would not even try to stop me....unless it was to save face again. I think he would be embarrased for people to discover that after all these years of M that I left him. But, my family are seeing more and more of his ways that they did not seem to see before and they don't know how I do it. He's not a "bad" guy, but he just doesn't give me any closeness and the conversation that I need. It is kind of like just sharing an apartment with another person who doesn't share their life with you.
It is sad and it's hard to explain how I feel or any of the rest to everyone. I just know that I have to stay here where I belong. He is not as well as he use to be and he isn't going to get better. Since I don't have anyone else, then there really isn't any point in me leaving.....unless I just could not take him getting on my nerves so much. That part does get me down! The way he does things......and especially the way he doesn't get some things done...makes me very depressed.
I had a poster on another forum make me very angry b/c he accused me of not wanting to work on my M and said I acted like a victum. I was furious at him. At that time, I felt that I did want to work on my M, but this poster just wanted to talk about sex b/c he pulled me over into that forum and he wanted to tell me step by step to do.....and that is not for me. I finally got enough. I don't let anyone do that to me anymore.
So, in a way, I may still be on a bit of a rollercoaster myself that MLC W's get on, b/c there are some days that I do want to "force" myself,.....in spite of no emotion. I want to put forth more work toward my M, but when you feel totally empty of any energy or any emotions......and it means using more self-discipline--like I have to do with going to work, church....everything in my life.....I suppose I find it very hard to do at the moment. I mean, everything I do is out of sheer will power and not much of anything else. After a while, I run dry. Sorry if this sounds like I'm having a pity-party....b/c I am not! Just trying to answer your questions. Aslo, I am trying without sounding like a victum to my physical problems. Afraid I'm not doing it very well. It is kind of like expecting a dying person to have a lot of energy to pour into their R and do all the work toward a better M without any help from their S. That is how it feels every day.......like life is slowly leaving my body. I have talked to others who have this Firbormyalgia, so it is not just me feeling like that. I don't want to be a victum to it and I do want my life back again b/c I am so afraid if I am not able to do that, then I will never have a good R with my H. He waits for me to set the "tone" in everything! I mean everything! The weight of that responsibility gets to be too much at times.
I believe when a woman feels that her love for her H is not what it use to be......it is probably one of the hardest things to rekindle. I never wanted to be one of those couples that you see where they just try to tollerate each other. I may be making this sound worse than what it is, but when it is time to start another thread, I'm not going to entitle it "things are getting better"....cause so far, they aren't better "enough" for me and I don't think they are for him either. So, why isn't he trying? I thought things were for a while, but then things kind of came to a wall and that is as far as it went. We don't fuss or fight, but still isn't like I want.
Don't know if I answered your questions or not. Don't want to sound so depressing. Just trying to be painfully honest with myself and you. However, it seems to depress me to talk about my M. I have started reading again to try to boost my dersire to try harder.
Why don't you start a new thread in "Newcomers" (even though you aren't a true newcomer...it doesn't matter) b/c they get more replies than anyone. Then if you feel that you need to be in a different place.....you can always move. I do hope you won't stop coming back all together. You have been sweet to me.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know what to say Sandi.Well thats not true, you are long winded. I wish I could type, hunt and peck gets old. Did you answer my questions, it doesn't matter. Sometime just writing things out help. One thing you did mention was your relationship with your H regarding affection. My W and I had kind of the same R b/c of her RA. I gave her the space she wanted but ended up giving to much and here I am. We just seem to fall out of love, like you said, room mates. Mr Fix It is turning in his name. He has come to understand that things can't always be fixed. Only God has that power. I pray that you can have some quiet time with Him and be blessed to be able to hear His words. The other night I had an experience that I didn't understand until the next day. I was sitting on the edge of the bed praying when I noticed that my mind was TOTALLY blank. I tried praying but there was nothing there, I couldn't even think, it was really weird. The next day it dawned on me that God was trying to speak to me and I missed it. I questioned my blank mind, thinking that it was not right, but it was, I just didn't listen. We all just need to listen. I wish I could make it all better for you, health and mental About the new thread, how about, "Beginning a new life" Sleep well Peter
That my friend was inspiring. I have to admit that since all this mess between my w and started back in Jan, I have found God again and am thankful I did. I cry alot when I pray to him because I am so riddled with sin and I know it. I know he has forgivin me and there are times when my mind goes blank as well and I dont know what to say either. But as Ive thought about this blankness if you will, I dont think you missed out on God wanting to speak to you, I think he did. What He did was He put your mind at ease and gave you a moment of peace. I myself have taken tremendous comfort in that, sort of recharges my batteries for the epic battle I am fighting known as WAW. But I tell you, having a blank mind for a minute or two, I enjoy every second of it and try to make it count.
S2, sorry for hi-jacking. If youve been keeping up with smartcookies thread, you will know that she is venting as are you. Vent away my friend. And make it as long as you like. It is to late tonight for me to respond to anything youve typed or asked, because I had a late one last night, I am bagged tonight. But I will respond when Im not so tired. Going to church tomorrow without the w....again. Thats ok. It just means that I can cry in peace, make me a stronger man. Talk to you tomorrow or on mon.
Happy Thanksgiving, well up here in Canada anyhow.
HUGS to you S2.
Peter, hang in there bro, keep your head held high and your chin up. If you need a HUG to, Im there for ya.
Joe
M: 37 WAW: 35 D's: 9 & 7 M: 13 Bomb: 01/28/08 Status: Limboland Total bomb drops: Lost count! Support: Here, God above, and now the Love Dare
I am happy to hear that at least you two have a closer R with God now. I have a theory about a blank mind and being quite. I agree about a quite time with God, and I agree that we should not try to fill it up with "our" words, however I do believe that we need to study His Word first.....or something else could try to fill thoughts into our heads. Don't mean to creep anyone out, but we do have an "enemy" that will do anything to hurt a Child of God. People who aren't wise about the ways of God are nor are they versed in the Bible, will have "thoughts" come into their heads and think it is God speaking to them, when in reality, it is the opposing team. So, I just want to warn anyone that reads this to be careful and be sure you can tell what is of God and what is of the devil. The devil tries to compy-cat everything about God and he can trick us easily. That is why we need to know what God's Words says about things b/c He will never contridict His own scriputure.......and the devil will. Be careful.
So, Peter, are you going to go to the starting place in Newcomers I made--or are you going to start your own subject title? It will be better for you to do it, but since I've made the plunge, just be sure to check it out or else I will go back on and tell everyone where they can find you. Just let me know.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joe, you must have seen the movie Fireproof.I cried through most of it.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that my H and I had a good talk about our stitch. He was very attentive....even turned off the TV! (lol) So, I told him that I need affirmation from him and I needed for him to talk to me. I realized he did not know how to express his feelings, but if we could try to set a time once a week just to talk about our R that I wanted to do that and that I felt more ready now than when we tried to talk about things right after the "blow up". I also told him that he had always seen me as a very strong person that did not need certain emotional things like other people did, but that I wasn't like that anymore and that I did have emotional needs and that was part of the problem that led to the EA with OM. I talked to him about the OM and what the OM was doing for me and how I had kept the fantasy live, etc. I didn't talk at length about the OM b/c my H had read everything between OM and me so he knew what was going on. I also told him that when I decided to stay in the M that it was more b/c I knew it was the right thing to do and that I could not support myself, etc. I also said that is was not b/c of my feelings for him that I stayed....and he also knew that b/c we had discussed that after the blow up. I did tell him that I appreciated how he had done what I had asked about giving me space and I talked about how I had come here to get therapy and that I felt it had helped me a lot. However, over the past several years I have become a person that I did not like at all and I didn't think that many other people liked me very much, either. I told him I did not know what to do about it but that I needed his help in supporting me and encouraging me. I think it was at that point that I told him I need the affirmation, not so much from others, but from him. I don't think he ever saw me as needing that! I also told him that I realized I had fallen down badly about not doing the same for him. All in all we had a good talk......considering it was this morning before time to get ready for work! I did tell him that there were several times that I would go into the room to tell him something that was on my heart and he would be asleep, so then I never would do it. That was the reason I just stopped everything this morning and didn't care if I went to work or was late or anything. I decided to talk to him while I was in the mood. So many other times I would be in the mood, but it was always the wrong time and then I would get out of the mood b/c I would be too tired or else he was.....it was always something. I can't write down everything we talk about....but I did tell him how he "appeared" to be down in the dumps when he would come home and there would be no supper cooked and how that made me feel guilty. He was very surprised to hear that and explained that he did not expect me to cook when I had put in a day of work (refering to my Fibro)and that we would work something out together.
So, I feel very good about that talk! I just hope I can keep my spirits up and that you all will try to encourage me. You see, I know that my H is a good man, but since he doesn't talk very much then I begin to "think" this or to "think" that about the situation. It usually isn't good. I told him that I felt that at first, after the blow up, that he was trying but that he kind of gave up. Well, he said he was not sure how I felt about him......as far as being in love with him. I told him that I knew that I loved him when I decided to stay but that I didn't have the love a W should have for her H. Anway to make a long story short....or shorter (lol)......I think it went well. I told him that I was finally ready to try harder at our R than I had been doing.
You see, I thought I was trying and was working at it, but I wasn't doing enough. I think I was lying to myself b/c I kept waiting for the feelings to show up and they wouldn't and that kept me pulled down. Just please pray that God will help me not to reject my H's physical touch and that I can welcome it and respond to it the way he wants me to. I told him that even if we never had intercourse again that I still needed the intimacy and I went ahead and told him how lonely I had been for so many years and that the OM was just something that came out of that lonliness. I think he understood what I meant......I sure hope so. I won't just keep going on about the conversation....even though I would like to (lol). I am just so glad that this time I did not put it off or back out of saying what needed to be said.
Just let me tell one more thing I brought up (lol). When we were going to have our nightly "talks" after the blow up, I told him that I saw right away that it was going to be like it had always been.....with me doing all the talking when he would just sit there. That is one reason I decided to just try once a week. Maybe we can use the Marriage Builders material I've printed off to go by, I don't know yet. But I am going to start calling him out about things he says or does instead of letting it turn into resentment. I did talk to him about how I had done that for sooooo many years, but I did not get off into any particular areas.
Well, I suppose I would just keep going on and one about it. Everytime I try to stop, I think of something else I wanted to share with you all. I don't know how soon this thread will close, but I am glad that it is ending on a better note and I can keep the same title to my stitch (lol)....b/c I was wondering there for a few days.
I will talk to you all later. Thanks for being such great friends. You all are my "real" friends b/c I don't really have any outside of this board. Hopefull, as I try to take back my life (God willing), that will change and I will make new friends again. Over the years as we moved or they left or died out......I just didn't get close to others. But you all have helped to fill a very lonely gap in my life. That is another reason I am usually here every night......to be with my friends.
Love, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I've been reading your posts in various places. Just want to say that I think your insight and advice are amazing. I know that comes from experience here. Loved your list.
Just thought I'd drop by and give my appreciation and admiration.
Sandi - I'm so glad you had this conversation with him. I would do anything for my W to sit me down and tell me the things you said.
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I just hope I can keep my spirits up and that you all will try to encourage me. You see, I know that my H is a good man, but since he doesn't talk very much then I begin to "think" this or to "think" that about the situation. It usually isn't good.
I'll definitely be here to encourage you. I can't tell you how long my W and I had been quiet, assuming things about the other or "thinking" this and that. I can't tell you how important it is to verbalize this over and over again. Sometimes I think we men are really like dogs -- you just have to keep pounding it into them over and over again before they'll actually do something!!!
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I think I was lying to myself b/c I kept waiting for the feelings to show up and they wouldn't and that kept me pulled down.
This is my W exactly. She's in that same place and won't work on anything because she doesn't "feel" that way towards me anymore. Boy I wish she could talk to you or read some of your sitch -- she would so clearly identify with it.
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But I am going to start calling him out about things he says or does instead of letting it turn into resentment. I did talk to him about how I had done that for sooooo many years, but I did not get off into any particular areas.
This is what got us the WAW's section in the first place, right? So, its great to hear you say that. Good 180!!!
Sandi - I'm really happy for you and hope this continues to move your R forward. I can always use some of your good advice, so stop by my thread sometime. Talk to you soon!
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
Maybe this all did somethig to him that affected his feelings for me. I might walk out that door and he would not even try to stop me....unless it was to save face again. I think he would be embarrased for people to discover that after all these years of M that I left him. But, my family are seeing more and more of his ways that they did not seem to see before and they don't know how I do it. He's not a "bad" guy, but he just doesn't give me any closeness and the conversation that I need. It is kind of like just sharing an apartment with another person who doesn't share their life with you. 