Hi everyone, thought I better say a word or more to keep my thread going here. Not a lot has changed on the home front. Still just remain friends more than anything else, but I suppose that is better than it use to be. Well, I KNOW it's better than it use to be! But, I get sad b/c I still need him to talk to me about his feelings and he won't. For instance, he is going to the doctor today and it has been several years since his open heart surgery, but he won't have a stress test or anything done. I can see some signs that I saw before his surgery and it scares me. When I question him, he acts like he is angry at me. He won't talk to the doctor and so I decided to take off work this afternoon to go with him so I could hear what the doctor said and to be sure the doctor knew what was going on. But, my H gets really upset at me and told me I WAS NOI GOING BACK TO SEE THE DOCTOR LIKE HE WAS TWO YEARS OLD! Well, I tried to explain how I was afraid and he wasn't telling the doc everything. He finally said he thought that they would send him somewhere else for tests. Duh! Men!! I said, "So what? Isn't it worth your life"? He thought for a minute and finally nodded his head. He agreed that he would talk to the doc about it, so I didn't go b/c I have felt very bad the past few days. So, we will see. I don't get it. I just don't get it.
This past weekend was hard for me. We have serveral birthdays at the same time in the family and they were all coming to our house for the celebration. Well, of course, I had to be down with the Fibro and not able to do anything. Happens every weekend, it seems. As I started seeing my family come in, I become so upset and started crying that I felt like I was losing it. I did not want my GD to see me in that state....afraid it would scare her and I made a dive for the bathroom. My D followed me in there and was so sweet and talked to me and had me to go lay down in the bed. My girls took over with the food and everything while I stayed in bed. But, I miss everything special that comes around anymore. Years ago, I would have had this place decorated from top to bottom and had games planned.....the whole works. Now, I can't even prepare a meal. It is so hard for me to accept this mess. If I could just have some good times, but it seems like every weekend it falls for me to be sick.
Anyway, after everyone went home, my H acted kind of ticked off at me and I didn't understand. Maybe it was his frustration b/c he wants his "old wife" back......well, I do too. But, that makes me feel even worse for him to act that way. If I say anything, he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about so I usually don't even bring it up.
Sometimes, he is good to fix something to eat for us or he is patient about eating carry out food, but I know he gets sick of it. He gets fed up with me never feeling good or like going anywhere. That was the biggest reason he was able to talk me out of going to the doc with him today, was b/c I didn't feel like going.
So, maybe the communication level will never be what I always dreamed of having with a H, but I just wished he could open up and talk about his feelings. It would help me so much. That is my LL and I've never had it. So, how does one learn to live without it? If a person's LL was physical affection and they never got it, how would they stay in a M without it?
I feel so starved for this. Always have and I know I would be a different woman if I had had what I needed all these years.
Well, anyway, that is about it for now. No huge changes. Hope you all take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
S2 - found ya at last!!! (Yes Im blind - get that from the w all the time, still)
Looks like I have a lot of reading to do. LOL!
Sorry about the weekend - I just cant imagine what you went through, and then have h react like he did. MEN!!! I know how your feeling because my Mom used to do that as well. Stuff 30 people into her tiny kitchen and make this wicked italian meal. Those are the best memories of my childhood!!!
Had a good night last night. Went to the gym today and worked my a** off again. Feels good.
Keeping up with the patience and will get ready to engage S2's patented list of 180s that I know will blow the socks off my W!!!
Talk soon.
Lots of HUGS for you my dear!!!! Chin up.
Joe
M: 37 WAW: 35 D's: 9 & 7 M: 13 Bomb: 01/28/08 Status: Limboland Total bomb drops: Lost count! Support: Here, God above, and now the Love Dare
Sandi - I'm so sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. I pray every morning that my kids and W are healthy and safe so I know how important that is. I just said a prayer for you to. I hope you're feeling better and I wish there was something I could do to help you. You've helped me a lot since I've been out here.
I'm glad your daughters jumped in and helped -- that's what family is for. I do wish your husband would engage more and be more considerate!!! I don't know a lot about the Fibro you have, but it sounds challenging, so I'm sorry you're struggling with that. I do pray and have confidence that you'll have your good days too, so be sure to take advantage of those. Everytime I'm feeling down about my situation I'll pick up the paper or watch the news and I realize there are many people in much worse situations than me, and that makes me feel thankful. I watched Extreme Makeover - Home Edition the other night and that program almost always make me well up and be very thankful for what I have.
One thing you said struck me, and that was about having your husband share his feelings. My wife told me this summer that it actually creeps her out to talk about her feelings and the relationship with me. When I was trying to open up and talk about my feelings with her, I was actually pushing her away. Can you believe that? So, we are in the identical situation. If I don't bring up something, we basically don't talk about it, because she doesn't like to. So, weird. Anyhow, just thought I'd share that.
You can talk to me about your feelings anytime! I'm all ears!
Take care and feel better!
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
Thank you all for being so concerned. My H is a lot better than he used to be b/c I suppose he understands a little more about the subject of Fibromyalgia, but at first I did not feel that he even bothered to learn. Maybe it is his way of sticking his head in the sand.....the way he did when our daughter got diabetes. I had to do everything for her and learn all about the disease, etc. He just would not learn about it, did not want to read a book about it or talk about it. When the doctor daignosed me with Fibromyalgia, and the doc said I would not die from it, then my H acted as though I should be fine. Well, I wasn't fine and the older I get the worse it is. I know there are many, many people worse off than I am, but the thing that hurts so badly is people's attitudes about it. Most treatment of the majority of people--since they do not have a clue at the pain one suffers (b/c "you look fine", as they say), either unconcern, cold, or just down right mean. Depending on who and where. A lot of other problems go along for the ride when you have this chronic problem, but it would take hours to explain it. Anyway, as I have said, my H is better about helping out with some things than he used to be, but he still gets down and moody b/c I don't feel like cooking his supper. I honestly believe it goes back to the fact that his mother always cooked a large meal every night and he sees this as being a good wife/mother. However. I am still holding down a full time job....doesn't that count for something??
The thing about Saturday (and other times) was that he will tell me that he is leaving the house but that he will be back in plenty of time to do the floors for me.....that is what hurts me the worst to do. Well, everytime this has happened.....he doesn't show up until almost time for the people to start arriving. So, that is what happened Saturday. Even though I felt terrible, I went ahead and vacuum the floors and wet mopped the kitchen and that about did me up b/c I had already done some other things and it was just a bad day of pain for me. What I really need for him to do is to show me some compassion. After all, he was the one to take it upon himself to invite everyone over here without even asking me about it! That is what blows my mind.
Perhaps it goes back to the no-sex thing and maybe you men can help me out here by telling me if that has something to do with it. It is like when he could not perform sex any longer, he just stop ever coming to my room or showing any affection at all. In other words, if he couldn't go all the way....why bother. So, does that mean he can't show compassion either? He shows plenty to our daughter! She has even said something to my mother about how much difference her dad makes in me and her. Now that is something...huh? I don't mean to paint him out to be a bad guy b/c he is basically a good person, but he hurts me and those resentments that I have had to deal with for 40 years are still trying to haunt me. When things like this past weekend happen....it drags things up again. It would have helped so much if he would have just came to me and held me or said he was sorry that I miss every birthday or special event that comes along. Yes! That would help me to get a better grip and strive harder. I don't know why, but since he doesn't, I just feel beaten down all the time. I wasn't even trying to hold back the tears after everyone left and he still didn't say anything.....he just got on the computer. Usually I do my crying in private, but I didn't care if he did hear me that night, b/c I was hurting physically and emotionally.
So, how about it men? Does it have anything to do with sex? I know there are other couples that can't have sex that are close and have a good relationship, so I find that hard to believe it would be that, but then, he has blamed everything else in our M on the lack of sex.....so why not that too?
Sorry for the whinning. Just don't understand him and guess I never will. I would think that it was b/c I told him to back off from smothering me (the one and only time in our M that he did) when trouble with OM hit the fan......but you see....he never chnaged anything toward me even at that time where my health issues were concerned. The OM showed a lot more interest and concern about my health than my H. Perhpas OM wasn't sincere, but it made me feel better, anyway.
So, it hurts very much and even though I try not to let it show, I know that I am doing what I have always done.....I am pushing that resentment down inside b/c he won't change and he won't talk to me to tell me why he does what he does......or more of why he doesn't do what he doesn't do.
Anyway, I am all ears if any of you have a suggestion. I won't tell you that I haven't already tried what you may suggest, but I am willing to listen.
On the way to the doctor today, I had a long talk to the Lord about you all. I also prayed that I could be more loving toward my H b/c I know that I don't have any sexual desire for him. I really think it is b/c of so many years of neglect and when you feel that you are doing about all you can to just be friends and stay in a M, then it is hard for me to get the momentum like when I was younger. Remember, I did not stay b/c I really "wanted" to stay, I did it b/c I felt it was what was "right". So, it has been a long hard stuggle for me.
But, thanks for listening and for caring. I appreciate more than you realize. I just never wanted us to become this couple that I find we have become. That was the last thing I wanted to be. But as you all know, when one is acting unlovable.....it is hard to pretend all is well. He probably thinks I am unlovable and I think he is behaving unlovable.....so we have a problem! I suppose if I could break down and fall all over him with passionate kisses and sexual desire that it might improve his mood for a day or two.......but, there were a few times I tried that in past years and it did not change him nor cause him to give me the emotional needs I had. We have never been on the same wave link. Our timing is the worst I have ever seen in any couple. And, we are pretty good folk, so it is sad.....very, very sad. Oh, it is a long, long story, and I won't bore you that know part of it by going over it again, but that is why I hope you all will be able to accomplish what you can now b/c it is way harder when you get older! Do continue to pray for my MR and for his and my health. I appreciate it.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, to give you sort of a scenario I will tell you how it went this evening. My H comes in from work while I had just finished up the last post. He doesn’t come in where I am or anything, he just goes to the bathroom to wash up. So, I go to the door and ask him how he was. “Okay,” he says. But, when he is tired, he acts like he is ticked off. That is what a person would think just by observing.
I did not go back to the computer but went into the front room to watch TV. I was watching something when he came in and proceeded to change the channels without saying anything to me. He has been doing that lately.....just comes in and changes to some show that is half way through, when he knows I was watching something. But, it's almost like I have lost my TV rights.
I did not have any supper cooked and he doesn’t offer to fix anything for himself to eat. I don’t expect him to cook a meal for both of us, but the nervers in my legs are hurting and I don’t have the energy to cook something from scratch and we have nothing “quick” to fix. The thing is, he has always insisted on buying the groceries and it is a very sore spot with me, but if he is going to buy the groceries then he should have something easy to fix when we come in the evenings. This is the thing that gets me so frustrated and you men tell me if I am in the wrong and what I should do. Instead of going and getting some carry out or fixing something for himself to eat, he sits on the couch and “to me” is seems like he is almost feeling sorry for himself…….as if he is pouting. Now, I know him well enough to realize that he is not doing that, but it “appears” that is what he is doing and it just chaps my behind! I mean, I feel guilty enough, but that behavior adds to my frustration. And you know what? He will stay right there on that couch and go to sleep and never eat a bite of anything......as if to make me feel worse for not cooking. Again, this is how it "appears" and it drives me crazy. I know he needs a cooked meal and if I were able, I would do it, but why does he handle it this way?
I fixed some soup and asked him if he wanted some…..well of course he said no. I realize that isn’t much to offer a working man, but I suppose I spoiled him last week when I was able to cook two or three meals. It made him "happy" when he came in and saw supper cooked. Honestly, he was all smiles. But, today, I wasn’t able, so he acts all down in the dumps and makes me feel like a heel. Maybe it would be better to grit my teeth and bear the pain than to go through this, but sometimes, I just can't do it if I've been up on my legs a lot.
I would like to talk to him about this, but he is too tired and we would end up being angry at each other. How should I handle this? For a while, he did buy some easy fixed meals, but then he hasn't had much work and hasn't bought a supply of what I see as "real" groceries.....it's just junk and snacks. So, what would you want your wife to do if you were in his shoes and knowing my situation? Oh, BTW, last week when I did cook the real meals.......I bought the "real" food to cook. I suppose if that was what I wanted to do....that would just be dandy with him, but you see, I've tried for all the years we've been M to agree for me to buy the groceries and him pay for something else b/c I can't do both.....but no deal. If I get groceries anyway, then I don't have enough to pay the bills I'm responsible for every month. Does that make sense?
Sorry, I'm just rambling b/c I'm upset about the whole thing. It is all the time and I am so sick of it. He comes in and "dies" on the couch every night or sits there with his eyes glued to the TV and we have nothing to talk about and so I feel like I am wilting away. But, if I come to the computer, then he acts like a little boy sulking. So, I can't win. Oh, and if I leave the computer to go in there with him......most of the time, he'll get up and go to the computer. Lots of fun, huh?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - Again, I'm so sorry to hear about the sitch you're in. It sounds terrible. I have done that sulking/feeling sorry for myself thing in the past. Sometimes it had to do with sex, sometimes it was after an argument (I would sulk/ give the cold shoulder for days), and sometimes it was just that we didn't have much in common or get along that well. My wife complained about me watching TV all the time and I told her that most of the time I did it because I was bored! I think she was out of love or falling out of love with me at the time, but she never planned anything for us to do on the weekends, so I would just grab the remote and crash in a chair. It was terrible now that I think about it. But when I was in the middle of it, like I think you're H is, I didn't even really think I was doing anything wrong. And I didn't really realize I was doing it because I was bored. The ILYBNILWY bomb last fall jolted me out of my coma and over the past year I've been able to see all the stupid things I've done over the years.
I'm not sure how to help your H see that. All I can suggest is try a 180 or something that's not a cheeseless tunnel. Maybe take him out somewhere, someplace you've never been, and try to have an honest talk with him there. Tell him what you want your R to be like, and how you could be, but that you need him to meet you half way. Tell him about the compassion you need and the closeness without that always leading to sex. Maybe come to some type of compromise if he's open to that.
As for the sex, I think men do detach if they are not having sex often enough (and they sulk!). But, if you have great sex with him, all your going to do is get him to want that more often. He'll be very happy for a little while, but it won't get you what you want. I know a friend, and his wife almost blackmails him with sex. She'll promise him some sex, if he'll do something for her (ie...paint the living room). It actually seems to work. All he does is paint the house!!! Maybe he cooks dinner twice a week on days you're not feeling well, and you offer something in return. Who knows...I'm probably getting divorced, so you may not want to listen to me.
As for dinner, I think you need to set expectations with your H. If he's not going to buy food for meals, and easy to fix meals, then he can't expect you to cook dinner. You also might call him during the day if you know its going to be a bad day and just set expectations with him. Tell him you're not feeling good and ask him if he can make dinner that night or pick something up on the way home. It sounds like your financials are split, which is fine, but the fact that he shops and you're expected to cook from the junk food he buys seems silly. Do you guys keep a list posted and do you get to write things on it? Maybe that could help. Not sure...
Anyhow, Sandi, take care. Sorry you're having a tough time, but hang in there like the rest of us and keep checking in.
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
On The Edge 22, it has been a long time since I've really complained about my stitch in that great of detail....lol. But, it was mostly the frustration tallking b/c this has been going on our entire married life (since I was 18)......him coming in and watching TV and not trying to have a conversation with me. Even our first couple of years as newlyweds when you would think he would have a little more "life" about himself, he acted like an old man, so now that he is getting older.....it's just worse.
You said something that I thought was kind of ironic or "funny" in a way and wondered if that was just the way men thought. I think it is the way my H has always been.
Quote:
but she never planned anything for us to do on the weekends, so I would just grab the remote and crash in a chair.
You see, I think my H always waited for me to make any plans that we ever did! However, it would have thrilled me so much if he would have had an original thought for us to do something together.....even for one night. I remember one time in 40 years that he did that! It was the best night of our M, as far as I was concerned and we had great sex (or as great as it got for us), so you would think he would learn by that to do it more often....but he didn't. (Made me want to say...."duh!") I was the one that had to keep any "excitement" going in the R. I did all the things I read in books where the wife was suppose to keep the M "alive" by doing certain things, but I could not see where he did anything special. I got fed up with him sitting on his a$$ waiting for me to do something or else he would spend his entire life in front of the TV. At the time, I loved watching TV also, but I wanted a R other than sitting in front of a TV every night, and he thought a R meant having sex.
I did try getting him alone in a special place to talk about my needs and try to encourage him to talk about his. Well, I talked for an hour and when it came his turn, all he said was he wanted more sex. That was always (and I do mean "always", his answer). That was a big let down for me b/c I wanted him to "talk" to me and he wouldn't. I wanted to hear him talk about feelings and emotions and what his dreams for the future was and where he wanted to see us in ten years.....that sort of thing, but he never did. It was the same old routine, night after night, and I guess I begin to do the same as your wife b/c I begin to see him as unattractive and begin to fall out of that "lovin feeling" toward him. Believe me when I say I tried everything I read in books to get some life into him.
As far as the financial part.....that was something that I could not handle....the way he dealt with bills. He never would even look at a budget....much less go by one. His parents were the same way and his father bought the groceries and his older brother bought most of the groceries for the home. The first year or two, he would give me about ten dollars for groceries and of course that didn't last hardly a couple of days b/c we had a baby at the time, and then we would spend the rest of the week eating at his mother's. Well, his family thought it was me that just did not want to cook and they did not realize it was him not giving me money for food. But, at the time, I guess he was doing the best he could b/c he didn't make much per week. Remember that was the late 60's. But, I did not rat him out to his family, and it hurt that they all thought it was me that was lazy and would not cook. I was not doing public work at the time b/c I had just had a baby and was baby sitting other kids to be able to stay home. I made 12 dollars a week! Anyway, his only answer I could ever get out of him for not letting me go to the store and buy the groceries was that I didn't shop for bargins (was his answer) and that wasn't true. But he would drive all over town to save two dollars and I thought that was silly to use it up in gas. What was he saving?? Anyway, most men don't buy groceries like women b/c he would come in with all of one thing instead of an assortment. I just did not know how to cook what he bought. So, over the years it has been a contention between us.
When I started working full time, it got so bad about the bill paying and how he did the "business" end of things, that I finally told him what I would be responsible for and he could handle the rest. I do break down and buy some groceries when I get fed up with how he does b/c that is the only way to have a "balanced" list of things. I finally got him to agree to have me buy the groceries one time and I was so happy and made out a menu for the week and everything, thinking he would be happy with the meals. Well, he was very happy with the meals. But, he only gave me money about two times and then it was back to the same old thing. Anyway, like I said, it has always been a sore place in our M and he is so stubborn about handing over money to me. I feel like a little girl giving an account for every cent that I spent for any groceries. I just don't get it. You would think that he would be glad for me to do it, but I have decided that he is addicted to going to the stores every day. He has to go by the dollar stores or groceries store every single day, if it is to buy nothing more than a one package of something. Amazing! I was taught by my parents when I was just a teenager how to buy two weeks of groceries at a time b/c that is how they were paid. My own father gave me his paycheck and sent me to the store (without a list) to buy groceries when I was seventeen years old! Now, if he trusted my judgement at seventeen, wouldn't my H trust my judgement at the age I am now?? I had a woman here on the bb ask me what did I mean that my H "would not let me by groceries". The way she saw it was that I should just buy them and be done with it. That does seem to be the logical answer, but you would have to understand how our bills are set up separately. I offered to buy groceries if he would just pay one bill that I was paying on.....and he would not agree! That blew my mind. So, I can't do both.
Sorry that I am making a big deal out of this, but I keep it stored up inside of me until I just have to let it out in order to deal with it. I feel so dang guilty about not cooking when he comes in so tired, like last night. Remember, I come from that era when the wife still did all the housework and cooked-- plus held down a job.......and I did that all the time our kids were growing up (except for a couple of years). Most couples where both work, now days, divide the house work or fix supper together, etc......and I wished it was like that now. But we have never been able to share the kitchen....it was either him or me in it at one time b/c he just took over and I would give up.
Anyway, I am not always able to do that stuff now. But, I still feel guilty about it due to the way he acts. He doesn't say anything......I just have to read his actions.
After the thing with the OM...and I told him to leave me along and give me space, etc., I tell myself that I should not expect him to "try" to do work in the M, but I catch myself kind of resenting the fact that he doesn't do anything to try to encourage me about staying with him. I mean, I just wanted him to back off and not smother me the way he was doing at that particular time when he found out about OM, b/c he was doing it with a snide attitude.....it wasn't the real "him" and it felt very wierd. I knew he wasn't doing it from his heart but it was from a spirit that was almost creepy......like something I had never seen from him before. It was kind of "hateful". But that part of the stitch is a long story also, so I won't repeat it.
The thing is, I don't understand why he doesn't try to do something to show me he wants me here, instead of it just being my "place" to stay here. I wonder if he didn't want me to leave him just to "save face" for him. I kind of want to suggest that we try having "talks" about our R, but I don't think he would be into it. We tried a few times after I told him I would stay in the M, but it was me doing the talking (as usual) and him just sitting there like knot on a log. So, I decided if he wasn't going to talk....what was the point. I had been down that road too many times over the years. If only he would talk to me about meaningful things.......that is all I have ever truly wanted in our R. But outside of talking about the weather or something like that......he doesn't have much to say. I told him one time that we could have a wonderful time talking about the Bible b/c we both study it, but he didn't do that. In fact, I was the one that had to lead our children in family devotions, etc. when they were growing up. I was the leader of their spiritual wellfare (in the home matters) instead of him. I was the one that had to discipline them and all the "hard" things as a parent, while he came out smelling like a rose to them. If the folks at church knew that, it would probably shock them. But that is how it was. However, maybe you see why I had so much resentment......and I haven't even begin to touch on the issues over the years. Don't worry, I won't get off into all of that (lol).
Well, I have once again just went on & on. Needed to get it off my chest (again). Suppose I will always let it bug me. I have tried so hard over the years to just accept him the way he is and not expect change. It's just that it would help me so much and add so much more to our R if he just would put forth some effort. Perhaps he thinks he has and I just can't see it. That is why I need a man's perspective about it. My H simply refuses to talk to a Pastor or a counselor! He won't read M books, so I don't know what to do.
It took me a long time (after OM) just to get to the place that I could be willing "to be willing".......if that makes any sense b/c I felt dead and hopeless inside and that is a horrible feeling. I had felt that way for such a long time.
Thanks for listening. I need just to have somebody to do that.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
