hey you wanna tell your H to talk to my H, I want some dang flowers lol!
soooooooo what did you get? I like those shops havent gone to one in a long time.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
should you do any of this stuff if your seperated? I mean the flirty stuff that doesn't necesarily lead to sex, right away anyway...H does flirt with me, but it leads no where. He still leaves and goes home. I don't know how to flirt. I try but don't think I am getting anywhere. Don't know if I should at this point...
H was HD, I was LD. Now that we are seperated(1yr) I am HD. Recently H says sex does not matter to him anymore...HUGE 180 for him if he is telling me the truth. We were still having alot of sex until a month ago. Then it just stopped. Last encounter H got his, left me hanging. That was it.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I bought a foot rub kit (he likes feet and I love having my feet rubbed!), a teddy (doesn't fit dammit!), a ring for his thing and a book of coupons. So far, so good!
Lifeline...I saw another thread of yours where you are finding evidence that your husband may be trying to plan a revenge affair.
Sweetie...I just don't know what else to say to you about your whole situation. First off, the cruel things he said and did to you in the bedroom (which you've discussed on another thread) and secondly, this attempt to get you back...while on the surface they seem understandable due to his extreme hurt and betrayal...but on the other hand, these are signs of a man who is just plain NOT going to really "get it" and be able to reconcile with you fully.
I would like to just say for the record that I don't think you should be attempting to "win him back" at this time by being more sexual. I think you should just separate from him, so that he can work through his emotions and anger, without dragging you down further along with him.
I feel total empathy for his pain and feelings of betrayal...but I don't see how staying together is helping him in that way at all.
If he "must" have a revenge affair to even the score...well I can understand that logically he believes it may make him feel better. But really hon - while you are trying to find ways to repair and be sexy and so forth, if he is not fully on board and instead, is trying to find sex with others...specifically (from your other post) is also possibly hurting others and putting them at risk (by not disclosing that he is married on his online profiles)...then I just don't see what advice anyone could give you other than to just set him free for now to work through his stuff...and try to reconcile later after some counseling, etc.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this and I wish you two the best, and I will pray for a happy outcome somehow.
Thank you DQ -- I was hoping you had read that post. I know what you are saying, and I know it makes sense. I just keep going back to, "I told him he could have a revenge A" and now what am I supposed to say?
"Honey, I feel like you are not focused on us." No matter what I say, he will know that I've been snooping around and I know he'll say, "I'm not the one who had the A -- who are you to think you can check my phones and internet usage?"
I just don't know how to talk about this to him without him thinking, "What about me? When do I get my fun?" Which is something he's said from the beginning.
Sorry if I'm babbling, I just don't know what to do!
Well I guess what I am saying...is that if he insists on having his fun too, then you need to release him so that he can do it. But him doing it while supposedly trying to reconcile with you is only going to damage the relationship further.
At this point, honey, since you've had an affair...I would think that another difficult conversation wouldn't be that big of a deal at this point....you've already weathered through a very difficult, painful thing and you lived through it...so how about saying: "husband, I am sorry that I snooped, but I did, and I can see that you have been texting with someone else and that you have a profile on an online dating site. I know I told you that you could have a revenge affair if you needed to, and that looks like what you are doing. However, I underestimated how difficult it would be for me to sit back and watch it happen, so I would ask that if you are going to go through this, we get separated first".
I know this isn't what you really want...but please don't kid yourself into thinking that if you just sit back and allow it to happen, he will then feel "better" and fix the marriage with you. It is unlikely to happen that way, dear.
Yikes! You are right, it's hard to imagine saying this but compared to what I've already done...I don't have so much of a problem explaining why I don't think I can keep working toward reconciliation while he is actively seeking a revenge A (I can reference the walls and windows info from "Not Just Friends") I just am having a hard time admitting to him that I snooped! We both need to look at our actions and ask ourselves, "Would I do this if my spouse were right here." And I am just bracing myself for the, "You didn't!!!!" How do I respond to that? By saying, "You are so right, I didn't, and now I see what the damage is and I don't want our marriage to suffer any more damage. I just want to have a healthy relationship with each other, one where we have the appropriate walls and windows in place." Something like this???
lifeline I totally hear you. I didn't have an A but my h is very sexual and he wants anything and I will tell you we've done EVERYTHING except Guy on Guy. That he won't. And I will admit because I am not into sex, it's not an important thing for me, it was all for him. And he can tell and so it's not as great. I don't know how to get into it, we talked last night and the direction I think I need to look in regarding why is because of control issues I have. I've never been abused, raped, or had sex till I was married, he insists thats why, because it's been drilled in my head by my religion to wait, so that basically it makes it bad. If that is the case once I'm married it should be awesome. NOT! So control comes into factor, I told him I hid behind the religion thing - especially since I didn't believe in alot of the religious rules in the first place, I used it as an excuse that couldn't be shot down. Where as I felt the real excuse was I was protecting myself - trust issues - The worst thing for me is to be embarrassed or feel stupid and if I was to give in to sex before I was married and had no commitment the guy would leave and I would feel stupid and embarrassed. So now that I'm married and I have sex don't care for it just do it because it needs to be done, I take control of the situation, don't let my h please me or try to, because what if he doesn't - embarrassment sets in for both of us. But then it still tough because now I'm in control and so I must get him off and what if I don't more embarrassment, so I do only what I know I'm good at BJ's. one of which when we first started I said I'd never do - NEVER but he praised me and even now he says I'm better at that then the OW. But he says she kisses better then I do, so now I am embarrassed and uncomfortable about that.
I'm hoping that with this new found info on control and embarrassment will help me break through this wall I have about sex so I can enjoy it, and make our marriage passionate, but hopefully its not to late.
Oh and suggestion as for things to do, I got a strip tease video and that really helps, because it's kinda like a exercise video so you learn and can feel sexy. It's great.
I really love this thread please keep posting.
Jen Me 32 H 35 Married 8yrs 3/11/2000 - Together 10 yrs No Children
1st Bomb - 7/1999 2nd Bomb - 8/2004 3rd A - 10/2006 4th A & Bomb - 10/12/08
Done sweeping things under the rug, I need to start doing something...But what?
First, I want to let everyone know that I talked with my husband last night. I told him that I knew of his efforts to have a revenge affair. Long story short, we both see things from each other's perspectives. We committed verbally, for the first time, to working toward reconciliation. In the past, it had only been me verbally showing that I wanted to R so this is huge! Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to speak up! And to AllW8SBF -- thanks for your reply too! I plan on getting a striptease video now! Also, I just read a book that was incredible! It's called "The Self-Confident Wife" -- I wish I had read this when I got engaged and I will buy this book for all future brides that I run into -- well, that I know enough to buy them a book Have a great weekend everyone! LL
should you do any of this stuff if your seperated? I mean the flirty stuff that doesn't necesarily lead to sex, right away anyway...H does flirt with me, but it leads no where. He still leaves and goes home. I don't know how to flirt. I try but don't think I am getting anywhere. Don't know if I should at this point...
H was HD, I was LD. Now that we are seperated(1yr) I am HD. Recently H says sex does not matter to him anymore...HUGE 180 for him if he is telling me the truth. We were still having alot of sex until a month ago. Then it just stopped. Last encounter H got his, left me hanging. That was it.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
and a book of coupons.