I know people have expressed their concerns over some of my recent postings and I appreciate everything! I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, especially those who have been betrayed. If so, I am very sorry and didn't intend that! Things are going better with me and my BH. We both know now, based on recent communications (that some of you were privy too) what we both can and cannot do in order to reconcile. It was very hard for me to put my foot down on a couple of (sexual) things he thought he needed in order to move forward with R, but I think he realized me not putting my foot down in the past is one reason I had the A. I couldn't put my foot down and tell this OM that I didn't want to do something. Anyway, my husband's language is sex -- he is a very sexual person. I've never been very sexual (except with OM which is another thing I'm trying to figure out.) So I need to do for my BH what came so easily for the OM -- not exactly, meaning if I did XYZ for OM, I'm not expected to do XYZ for my BH. But I do need to loosen up sexually with my H and I need to start initiating more. My question is, other than initiating full-on sex every day, what else can I do throughout the day or week to show him sexual desire, appreciation or validation? I don't want this to become a "I need to ML to him X times a day" or go to bed thinking, "Damn, I didn't initiate today but I am exhausted -- what should I do?" Any suggestions on becoming more sexual without having sex all the time? We both work full-time and have children so that just isn't realistic! Thank you! LL
I hope some of the guys over here can give you some good ideas of how they would love their own wives to show sexual attention.
I still think (based on your story) that you have a lot of inner work to do, to figure out why you had an A. I think as you keep getting deeper into yourself, you will eventually discover "why".
I have been through the same (or at least similar), in that when I was married, I never wanted to have sex with my H but I did end up being unfaithful. Digging deeply into "why" I was open to OM's but not my husband was a long, sad process. I'm finally past all of that and with a new partner, and we have a stellar sex life.
So first of all I would keep encouraging you to stay in IC and discuss your sexuality a LOT until you really understand it yourself.
Second of all...one of the very important things I found out about myself is that I need some, um, not sure how to put it but...I need some rough play. I need to be slammed up against a wall and kissed passionately, on a regular basis. I need to be able to wrestle with my man, using all my strength, until finally he holds me down and just takes me. I need to occasionally be put in a submissive position in the bedroom...which I thoroughly enjoy.
Now...the above playing I am describing is something that takes a couple a lot of work, time, and understanding to achieve. I'm pretty sure you and your H are not quite ready for that type of play...but I would ask you: after reading that above paragraph, do the things I describe sound like some sexy fun stuff to you? Or does it sound like "nah, not my thing"?
Based on your answer, I can give you some suggestions.
It does sound like fun, and like something we've enjoyed together before. I'm still working on the IC (and so is he thank goodness! He had an appt today that he said, earlier this week, he was going to cancel. I just said, "I hope you don't" and let it be. He ended up going today and I told him I was very happy he went. And again, left it at that) -- but I'm digressing! Yes, I will still work with IC and know I need to get to the core of my issues. In the meantime, my H is giving me a chance to work on getting us to a place where we can consider reconciliation!
His issue is that he doesn't feel he should have to tell me what he needs since we've been married for 15 years. He is very upset that the OM didn't have to tell me what he needed, I just knew. I so get what he is saying -- I really do. It's complicated though, the OM was SO simple, it really wasn't hard to figure out what he needed. But I understand my H's point.
I don't want to mess this up so all ideas are welcome! Thank you! LL
Well then...give me a list of things you think that your husband likes...try to start that way...he apparently wants you to think about these things and the things that are specific to your husband's tastes are something that will be helpful...
For instance:
Is he a boob man? Or an ass man?
Does he love it when you wear purfume, or does it make him sneeze? Does he prefer a clean face, or some make up, or lots of make up?
What type of porn does he watch (or in the past), or do you even know?
These are some simple ideas...please answer these and then tell us any others you can think of about things he likes sexually and romantically. You do not have to provide "too many" details beyond your comfort level, we'll "get it" from just the hints if you prefer not to divulge too much.
hey DQ lol, great way of stating what ya like up there in your first post lol. I love that stuff too, and actually I love this post LL, H said he had to be the iniatier not sure when that happened, I know it did, but I am trying to get my spice back also!! this is a great thread imho!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Well, he is definitely a boob man (which is why he bought me some LOL -- seriously, and I love them too!) He is much more risky than I am. We both enjoy porn but my major problem is, I can enjoy watching certain things (woman on woman) but I don't want to do it in real life. And that's my hang up -- letting fantasies be known and trusting that I won't be pushed to act upon them. It's been a problem with us. But again, back on track. He likes: anal play -- that's fine with me threesome viewing -- I can watch but can't consider doing he would love for me to go to a strip club and have a lap dance -- I'm considering this. Kind of a compromise. I don't want a threesome but I can see myself getting a lap dance. He can take the visual and run with it in his mind. Role playing, dress up. Pretty much the sky is the limit with him -- seriously. I can't think of anything he wouldn't enjoy. I guess I shouldn't have a hard time thinking of things to do but I still do. I really can't see myself ML with him every day until I build up some love credit. I'm so worried if I miss a day or two, or only give him some massages or nice words, but no actual ML, that I will have failed in some way.
I just reread this and wanted to clarify. It's not that I can't see myself ML with him every day. It's that with us both working full-time with two children, there are just some days where I feel it might not happen and I'm terrified he will think, "See, OM got it every day, but I'm not good enough." Which he has thought sometimes in different situations, i.e. OM came first again.
oh i am so jealous you got boobies! sigh I am the president of the little bitty titty committee! H said it wasnt a big deal, but now thinking back on it, his last 2 A had fake boobs! hmmm get to that with myself later.
you know what I did a few months ago that went over VERY well? dressed up in sexy panties and bra, put my chaps on, and took my pic with the webcam, and sent it to him at work!!! of course titled it dont open unless alone lol, but he LOVED it! the OW may be an ex stripper, but hey that day she held nothing over me lol!!
I appreciate you starting this thread, as you are helping me, also, even tho he was the one who had the A, you give me some insight into things, and how just maybe he thinks sometimes!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Thanks Babygirl! I'm glad we can all help each other out regardless of what brought us here. Have a great weekend -- I'll keep brainstorming ideas and post them here. Hope everyone else can do the same! LL
Wow, as a HD H, I would have a cardiac arrest if my wife followed this list (that is how I would like to die when it is my time, I might add). A few additions:
1. BJs, especially if you are good at them. 2. Trojan and Durex have vibrating cock rings that are about $8. They are really fun to add to #2 and for ML. 3. Nothing hotter to me than seeing a good looking woman dressed up in business attire...maybe it is the high heels and skirts. 4. I really like getting kissed by my wife, especially before going to work and really hate "getting the cheek."
Overall, I think part of the key is to stay creative and "build the bank" as you mentioned so that on off days he has nothing to complain about and he knows you are not backsliding into your old habits. Also, start getting the kids to bed earlier.
Lastly, if you know you are going to be busy with work or otherwise unable to do anything that night, I appreciate it when my wife tells me that during the day but adds something about making up for it the next night. The key is the part about making up for it the next night and then doing it (which my wife sucks at, hence my screen name).
Good luck!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Some straight from the hip advice: don't do the lap dance thing unless it will TRULY turn you on, ok? A man may want you to do something and indulge his fantasy about it...but then if you are *only* indulging the fantasy but not actually getting off on it, then he feels like he made you do something you didn't want to do and it turns him off. He wants you to be into it, that is the key....
So would a lap dance truly turn you on and make you hot? If not, scratch that one off the list. And you shouldn't have to think about it either, the answer should be an easy yes or no.
If you have to think about it, then the answer is no.
Keep this in mind for everything you do and try out with him...it has to truly be getting you off or he will just assume you are faking it.
So how about a list of things that turn you on?
If this is hard to come up with, then list for me some sexy scenes from movies that have turned you on in the past...
For instance, one of my fave sexy movie scenes is from the movie Body Heat with Kathleen Turner...where Nick Nolte breaks a window and then busts in the door just to ravage her. So by knowing a scene you like, then we can get an idea of the "temperature" of your tastes.
Also tell me what specifically do you feel about your husband's body? This is an important issue.
DQ, I would love for my H to take me to a strip club, I would let a Woman do a lapdance on me or H if I was there, we used to talk about doing that. we wont do it now I am sure, as his OW is a stripper, his conscious wouldnt allow him to do it even if I wanted it!
I agree LL. your H body and what you feel about it is huge!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Yeah baby girl...for me its a no brainer, but then I go both ways so, you know, its pretty obvious that I like naked chicks. LOL!
However....strip clubs are just so....ew....stinky, gross men who are smokey and drunk....just their presence is absolutely discusting to me....so I have vowed never to step foot in one again. But that's easy to say since I have been in dozens of them hundreds of times already and had plenty of lap dances! LOL! Guess the gross stinky men didn't deter me until I got a little older and less forgiving of creeps. (This is not meant to insult your husband...and not all strip clubs are so nasty...I just happen to live in the city with the most strip clubs per capita in the whole USA...and this means, they are a dime-a-dozen nasty peep show clubs....very very few of the clubs here are upper class and/or clean....bleah...I actually wish there were any clean, decent clubs here).
But I am getting the impression from LL that she isn't really into that, just her H is.
I am still waiting to her back from LL...but one suggestion would be for LL to give H a long, sexy lap dance...which then could lead to sex....not sure if this is something she has already done or not so maybe it is not on her radar if its "old news".
OH and by the way...for any woman who may want to enjoy a lap dance but doesn't want to be around all the gross stinky men, in some cities there are lesbian clubs with strippers...so you can enjoy getting a lap dance without being eyed up and down by a bunch of guys. The lesbians will be eyeing you too, but they are so much less of a threat than big ol' hairy drunk dudes...
Lifeline--I concur with DQ and would add be sure if you are considering honoring your H's requests, is it going to compromise your self respect?
This was a big deal for W and me and we are almost D'd now. I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake my W did. She did something out of love for me and then lost her self-respect. Once you cross that boundary, you cannot go back. Be careful. Honest communication with H is the key and setting good boundaries. Once you let him tear down a wall, will H push to tear down another, then another? Pretty soon, there could be nothing left. Where is that going to leave you and your M?
I had written a huge post addressing this but held off for fear you would think I was hijacking. I saved it, if you want I can post it tomorrow. I have insight from personal experience, some of the things on your H's list. I can give you the LBS perspective.
I commend you on the compelling thread! That you have come here looking for advice, shows how much you love your H and are wanting your marriage. You should feel really good about yourself!
Last edited by Little Engine; 10/10/0810:29 PM.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
hey LE I have read LL posts, and posted to her, she would NeVER think you were hijacking and would probably love your input really. Hell, I need your input all the time! she will be just fine with it.
I guess you might understand me DQ. I am a wierd woman lol! I would love to go to a strip club, better me than his skank! in fact your version of what a strip club is, is exactly WHAT THE OW is, even now in her "dress" clothes, I knew she was skanky icky before I knew of her past lol! we have "movies" altho I am better at picking them out than he is lol. I so want the "swing" have you seen one?
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I'm pretty much covered Babygirl....LOL! The guys in this forum who banter with me all day already know this about me...this is why I feel pretty confident giving ideas. I think I've got a few.
The original question was, " what could you do to show throughout the day or week to show him sexual desire, appreciation or validation? " That wont lead to sex.....
So, I have some of those......... lol As for more explicit things, have those too, but lets try these.lol ( loved this post btw )
These are things I use to do. I'm the HD of the marriage, so I don't anymore, but here they are
1) Use to send sexy notes in the lunch box for work. Sometimes even put one in the sandwich so he's accidentally find it. Guys at work would see, but I think he secretly liked that.
2) One day Id send a picture of myself either in the pocket of this jacket, or the lunchbox, or jeans............ Fully clothed. On the back it would say, : hey you, or hey sexy.. Watch for more. A day or 2 later, a picture me without something on. Very innocent at that point. THEN.......... take it as far as you want from there. He will be dying to get the next day, and the next photo. It will put a smile on his face for sure, and doesn't lead to sex, just appreciation. Well, maybe until the last day. Then he might come in and jump yah lol
3) During the evening, ( kids are awake ) Just brush by him, maybe whisper something in his ear like : You LOOK to hot today. Little comments that will peek his interest and or just bring a smile to his face. ( I use to kiss my hubby and bite his bottom lip slightly and say > " too be continued "
So, there's a few that don't necessarily lead to sex, but just show love etc.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Everyone -- thanks for your ideas, I appreciate them. Diane, you are right. Right now I'm looking for ways to show desire without necessarily getting to the sex every day. My H had a good analogy -- if he had betrayed me, he would know that I like flowers and would bring me flowers every day. Even if I threw them away, he would still bring them. And eventually I would accept them. And we would get to the point where I wouldn't need flowers every day. That's what I need to do with sex. We have to get to the point where he doesn't need sex every day -- that's just unrealistic I think. Thanks again to everyone. I did go to a sexy shop yesterday and bought a few things that we both like! LL
hey you wanna tell your H to talk to my H, I want some dang flowers lol!
soooooooo what did you get? I like those shops havent gone to one in a long time.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
should you do any of this stuff if your seperated? I mean the flirty stuff that doesn't necesarily lead to sex, right away anyway...H does flirt with me, but it leads no where. He still leaves and goes home. I don't know how to flirt. I try but don't think I am getting anywhere. Don't know if I should at this point...
H was HD, I was LD. Now that we are seperated(1yr) I am HD. Recently H says sex does not matter to him anymore...HUGE 180 for him if he is telling me the truth. We were still having alot of sex until a month ago. Then it just stopped. Last encounter H got his, left me hanging. That was it.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I bought a foot rub kit (he likes feet and I love having my feet rubbed!), a teddy (doesn't fit dammit!), a ring for his thing and a book of coupons. So far, so good!
Lifeline...I saw another thread of yours where you are finding evidence that your husband may be trying to plan a revenge affair.
Sweetie...I just don't know what else to say to you about your whole situation. First off, the cruel things he said and did to you in the bedroom (which you've discussed on another thread) and secondly, this attempt to get you back...while on the surface they seem understandable due to his extreme hurt and betrayal...but on the other hand, these are signs of a man who is just plain NOT going to really "get it" and be able to reconcile with you fully.
I would like to just say for the record that I don't think you should be attempting to "win him back" at this time by being more sexual. I think you should just separate from him, so that he can work through his emotions and anger, without dragging you down further along with him.
I feel total empathy for his pain and feelings of betrayal...but I don't see how staying together is helping him in that way at all.
If he "must" have a revenge affair to even the score...well I can understand that logically he believes it may make him feel better. But really hon - while you are trying to find ways to repair and be sexy and so forth, if he is not fully on board and instead, is trying to find sex with others...specifically (from your other post) is also possibly hurting others and putting them at risk (by not disclosing that he is married on his online profiles)...then I just don't see what advice anyone could give you other than to just set him free for now to work through his stuff...and try to reconcile later after some counseling, etc.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this and I wish you two the best, and I will pray for a happy outcome somehow.
Thank you DQ -- I was hoping you had read that post. I know what you are saying, and I know it makes sense. I just keep going back to, "I told him he could have a revenge A" and now what am I supposed to say?
"Honey, I feel like you are not focused on us." No matter what I say, he will know that I've been snooping around and I know he'll say, "I'm not the one who had the A -- who are you to think you can check my phones and internet usage?"
I just don't know how to talk about this to him without him thinking, "What about me? When do I get my fun?" Which is something he's said from the beginning.
Sorry if I'm babbling, I just don't know what to do!
Well I guess what I am saying...is that if he insists on having his fun too, then you need to release him so that he can do it. But him doing it while supposedly trying to reconcile with you is only going to damage the relationship further.
At this point, honey, since you've had an affair...I would think that another difficult conversation wouldn't be that big of a deal at this point....you've already weathered through a very difficult, painful thing and you lived through it...so how about saying: "husband, I am sorry that I snooped, but I did, and I can see that you have been texting with someone else and that you have a profile on an online dating site. I know I told you that you could have a revenge affair if you needed to, and that looks like what you are doing. However, I underestimated how difficult it would be for me to sit back and watch it happen, so I would ask that if you are going to go through this, we get separated first".
I know this isn't what you really want...but please don't kid yourself into thinking that if you just sit back and allow it to happen, he will then feel "better" and fix the marriage with you. It is unlikely to happen that way, dear.
Yikes! You are right, it's hard to imagine saying this but compared to what I've already done...I don't have so much of a problem explaining why I don't think I can keep working toward reconciliation while he is actively seeking a revenge A (I can reference the walls and windows info from "Not Just Friends") I just am having a hard time admitting to him that I snooped! We both need to look at our actions and ask ourselves, "Would I do this if my spouse were right here." And I am just bracing myself for the, "You didn't!!!!" How do I respond to that? By saying, "You are so right, I didn't, and now I see what the damage is and I don't want our marriage to suffer any more damage. I just want to have a healthy relationship with each other, one where we have the appropriate walls and windows in place." Something like this???
lifeline I totally hear you. I didn't have an A but my h is very sexual and he wants anything and I will tell you we've done EVERYTHING except Guy on Guy. That he won't. And I will admit because I am not into sex, it's not an important thing for me, it was all for him. And he can tell and so it's not as great. I don't know how to get into it, we talked last night and the direction I think I need to look in regarding why is because of control issues I have. I've never been abused, raped, or had sex till I was married, he insists thats why, because it's been drilled in my head by my religion to wait, so that basically it makes it bad. If that is the case once I'm married it should be awesome. NOT! So control comes into factor, I told him I hid behind the religion thing - especially since I didn't believe in alot of the religious rules in the first place, I used it as an excuse that couldn't be shot down. Where as I felt the real excuse was I was protecting myself - trust issues - The worst thing for me is to be embarrassed or feel stupid and if I was to give in to sex before I was married and had no commitment the guy would leave and I would feel stupid and embarrassed. So now that I'm married and I have sex don't care for it just do it because it needs to be done, I take control of the situation, don't let my h please me or try to, because what if he doesn't - embarrassment sets in for both of us. But then it still tough because now I'm in control and so I must get him off and what if I don't more embarrassment, so I do only what I know I'm good at BJ's. one of which when we first started I said I'd never do - NEVER but he praised me and even now he says I'm better at that then the OW. But he says she kisses better then I do, so now I am embarrassed and uncomfortable about that.
I'm hoping that with this new found info on control and embarrassment will help me break through this wall I have about sex so I can enjoy it, and make our marriage passionate, but hopefully its not to late.
Oh and suggestion as for things to do, I got a strip tease video and that really helps, because it's kinda like a exercise video so you learn and can feel sexy. It's great.
I really love this thread please keep posting.
Jen Me 32 H 35 Married 8yrs 3/11/2000 - Together 10 yrs No Children
1st Bomb - 7/1999 2nd Bomb - 8/2004 3rd A - 10/2006 4th A & Bomb - 10/12/08
Done sweeping things under the rug, I need to start doing something...But what?
First, I want to let everyone know that I talked with my husband last night. I told him that I knew of his efforts to have a revenge affair. Long story short, we both see things from each other's perspectives. We committed verbally, for the first time, to working toward reconciliation. In the past, it had only been me verbally showing that I wanted to R so this is huge! Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to speak up! And to AllW8SBF -- thanks for your reply too! I plan on getting a striptease video now! Also, I just read a book that was incredible! It's called "The Self-Confident Wife" -- I wish I had read this when I got engaged and I will buy this book for all future brides that I run into -- well, that I know enough to buy them a book Have a great weekend everyone! LL
should you do any of this stuff if your seperated? I mean the flirty stuff that doesn't necesarily lead to sex, right away anyway...H does flirt with me, but it leads no where. He still leaves and goes home. I don't know how to flirt. I try but don't think I am getting anywhere. Don't know if I should at this point...
H was HD, I was LD. Now that we are seperated(1yr) I am HD. Recently H says sex does not matter to him anymore...HUGE 180 for him if he is telling me the truth. We were still having alot of sex until a month ago. Then it just stopped. Last encounter H got his, left me hanging. That was it.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
DQ, I want to thank you again for telling me like it is. The talk my husband and I had the other day has changed everything. We both realize that it will take work on both our parts, and commitment to R on both our parts, in order to move forward. And I've learned from experience this past week that I can speak my mind and be respected for my opinion. This weekend was the best one we've had in a long time. And last night when I hugged him and said I had a great weekend, he said, "Me too!" Wow! This is huge for him to say something like this!
Its not too hard to stoke the fires without actually making love.
We men are visual creatures. Be eye candy. Its that simple (at least for most of us)
Lounge around the house in lingerie instead of sweats or anything baggy and unflattering.
Be a tease and flash him. Bend over with locked knees. See if you can distract him with upskirt/down blouse shots.
Dont wear underwear, and make sure he realizes that - but without telling him. If he comments, just give him one of those looks you women are so good at giving and let him enjoy the view.
And whenever he approaches, you playfully shoot him down telling him there is a time and place for everything and continue teasing. LOVE your role in teasing him, enjoy the ego boost of his oogling, you are the object of his desire - embrace it!
You will drive him nuts!
And when its finally go time, he will have all this pent up sexual energy to unleash and you will both be smiling in the end
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Hmmm. See, the thing is, all these things are matters of personal taste. Some are more universal than others, but none are universal. With that in mind, here's what would work on me:
1. Kisses. But not just any kisses, deep kisses. For no apparent reason.
2. Surprises. Surprising a high-desire man with any sexual overture is a challenge, because we think about sex a hundred times a day and certainly every time our wives walk into a room. Surprise him with a nibble at his ear or a kiss on his neck or a hand at his waist a little lower than is generally considered polite, and you'll have his full attention.
3. This may seem really crude to you (or not) but honestly, just walk up and put your hand on his crotch. This leaves him no room for doubt, no room to wonder why you're doing this or that and whether you mean anything sexual by it. Your hand is on his penis. It's clear and straightforward.
4. I've never understood why it is that women seem to pinch butts, but never rub. I palm my wife's bottom and give her a warm, firm rub for a couple of seconds, and I don't know who enjoys it more. Not that there's anything wrong with a friendly pinch or a little smack on the ass.
Funny that someone mentioned the vibrating cock rings. I ordered one the other day. My wife has a very hard time getting to orgasm from intercourse, but tongue and fingers work fine--she needs clitoral stimulation. I plan to wear it as a surprise the first time and see if I can make something new happen.
Sure, I remember you. I'm sorry I disappeared, but I just drifted into other things. There never seems to be time for everything. I hope you're doing better now?
It took about a week after I got it before I had a chance to use it, but the vibrating cock ring is a big thumbs up. The looks that roll across her face are priceless.
One thing that has really helped is the matter of presents. She has a very hard time with presents. I'm one of those people who have to give a small gift and a big gift, and at least one has to be a surprise, and each gift should be an expression of what you know about someone. She's always struggled with this. Recently she was extremely proud of herself on my birthday because she had gotten me a table saw, which was something I wanted, and she'd even kept it secret from me! (Actually, she had left it in the back of her van uncovered, so I saw it the day she came home, but I've learned too, and I had the sense not to say anything.)
That was great, but we've come to an understanding that any time she's stumped on gift-giving occasions she can do what she calls "Give you a ribbon." That means she ties a ribbon around herself and becomes my present. I can unwrap her and do whatever I want. It's a cliche, but it's a good one!
The thing I've figured out about gifts is that we have too much clutter already, so I use gift occasions as excuses to go out and do good things together. So for our anniversary, I got her tickets to a Broadway musical she's wanted to see (I liked the book) and we're staying in a luxurious hotel while my sister watches the kids. Her only physical gift is a book about one of her favorite characters; I don't think she knows it's been published. I believe I'm getting a ribbon, so everyone's going to be happy, and we won't have to figure out where to put the latest box of stuff.
OK, its been a while since the forum has been back and running, so I might as well start things off and this is an interesting topic to continue.
Any ideas on "sexy things" that would help motivate/rehabilitate an SSM?
I have two comments based on my personal experience.
First at certain stages of an SSM, I don't think anything that is initiated by the HD partner to get the LD partner feeling sexy will be viewed in a favorable way and it will likely be taken as either a threat or trying to embarass the LD partner.
Thank goodness, my wife and I are past that stage.
Second, whatever you do, it should be tied to the LD partners primary or secondary language of love (Chapman Five Lanagues of Love book). In my case for my wife that is quality time followed by acts of devotion. What has worked for me are acts of devotion foot rubs of 20 to 45 minutes (it can seem like forever!!!! with no sexual overtones) or quality time events, that create special times together such as walks in a park, going to dinner together and talking or a movie and then talking about it.
There are literally dozens and dozens of things that my wife could do that I would find very sexy and inspiring. Over out 39 years of marriage and several years of dating prior to that I am sure that I have let her know what they are and would love her to try any of them.
I am reminded by a comment by David Schnarch (author of the Passionate Marriage) where he indicated that wives know their husbands secret fantasies very well, which is why they have never happened even by accident in years they have been married. If the wife didn't know what the husband wanted and was making sure he didn't get it, you would expect she would be accident do something on his fantasy list at some point.
My wife and I were discussing Halloween the other day and I asked if we should get some costumes and either go out that night or stay home. The response I got from her was something to the effect of "costumes....ain't going to happen, ever."
Oh, well.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Well, Saturday my wife met her friends to go dancing and I kept the kids at home. At about midnight she texted me a message that said, "Danced awhile, got bored at the club. On my way home." It also had a photo: the sign on a local lingerie shop.
After interacting with others while dancing, I'll bet she thought you looked pretty good in comparision. Sometimes they get bored and don't realize how good it is at home until they either are about to loose it or they get to see close up what the alternatives are like.
I hope the night turned out well for you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
It was a great night. The thing is, she's the LD half, so she probably didn't have to do that to get my attention. But I think doing it excited her, and that made her night better, too.
But it's taken us a couple of years to get to the point where she'll do things like that.
Monday we were both doing boring chores--I was at home doing plumbing work and laundry, she was out running a kid to errands and grocery shopping-- and I took a moment when that red dress and panties passed through my hands. I took a photo of them in my hand and sent it to her with the message "Thinking of you."
Later in the day, we snuggled on the couch and I fed her sweets (she didn't feed me sweets, but she did find an excuse to suck a little sugar off my fingertip, and just typing that gave me another little tingle.) That night we had good sex again. I can't prove it started with that photo, but it couldn't have hurt.
I also set her phone's alarm to go off daily at 8:30 p.m. and display "Sex with (SillyOldBear)" as the event. What do you think? Too subtle?
It was a great night. The thing is, she's the LD half, so she probably didn't have to do that to get my attention. But I think doing it excited her, and that made her night better, too.
But it's taken us a couple of years to get to the point where she'll do things like that.
.... What do you think? Too subtle?
Not very subtle, but it seems to be working for you and your wife, so.....
While "a copule of years to get t the point.." can seem like a long time, it is pretty impressive at how hard she is trying. Sounds like you and your wife are on the way to recovery!
Congratulations! I hope that you and your wife continue to find happiness together.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
If you live near a big city, you might see if they have a "high class" sex shop that has seminars. Some stores like Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland, etc. have seminars where they will get a group of people together and provide a seminar and then allow you after normal store hours to shop in their store with a discount coupon.
I attended a seminar in how to perform oral sex on a woman at Babeland once. It was interesting and educational. It was taught by a lesbian and a straight guy. The Lesbian gave the most interesting insights in how to pleasure a woman orally. I have heard that Babeland when it does the oral sex for men course has both a gay guy and a straight woman teach the course.
There are also some videos out there by Sinclair Institute and Nina Hartley (porn star and former nurse). Then again there are tons of books, go to Amazon.com or Barnes & Nobel dot com for books on th3e subject.
Good luck and your husband is a lucky guy.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Can you get your husband to tell you honestly what's working and what's not? I had to learn to do that with handjobs . . . I wanted my wife to do it more, but I hated it when she did, and I just didn't give her the information she needed to make it work.
LOL -- seriously, and I love them too!)
Guys at work would see, but I think he secretly liked that.