Don't know what to do- Please help

[limbo]

My H tells me this morning that the ow has been contacting him for several months now...although he swears on the life of the children he hasn't seen or been with her again.
He admitted he thought he could work this out him self and it got out of control, he also admitted he doesn't know why he can't stop the contact.
He told me because he owes her money and threaten to tell me. I emailed her and told her to leave us alone, and this is the email I got back

thank you. that's all i wanted to hear. i do want to get on with my life, that's why i want your husband to stop contacting me like he does and has for going on 4 years.

i had to use you to get through to him. it seems to have worked. i am also willing to meet you if you'd like to explain in detail. if you don't, that's fine i don't really expect you to.

sometimes us crazy people have to resort to drastic measures. my apologies about that. if you still want to see any email from h, let me know and i will forward it.

if this email really is from you Limbo, thanks for listening.

so I just don't know who or what to believe, should I ask her for the emails, I just don't know, as you can imagine I am low and confused right now!

So help would be apperciated!

[Sara]

Limbo,

As you know this is not good. If you read the emails you will lose faith in him completely. Because you will have proof that he has been lying to you. I don't know what to tell you. Your husband is acting childish. And now you are put in the position of having to discipline him as a parent. I suggest you look into marital counseling. Once again, this seems bigger than a do-it-yourself project to fix.

[limbo]

Thanks Sara

I am so lost right now as to what to do, even with no reading the email, my faith has been lost...I just don't know if its worth it anymore.
For the sake of my kids, am I losing myself...does he really care for me? I am beginning to doubt it even more, i wonder if he is just staying because he would have to face his family, friends with what he has really done to us.
Why am I staying, why do I continue to do this...we are almost at the 2 year anniversary of the first bomb, how long is this going to gone on for...how much more do I have to deal with.
I know that I can't fix this on my own, but is he really going try, is he really going to give her up? I just don't know

[Sara]

It sounds to me like she doesn't want him, and he is obsessed with her.

[DiDi]

Don't read the email Limbo. There is nothing there that you need to see-- it's only words from a liar. I know you aren't sure if this is fixable any more, but either way, I guarantee you, the email will hurt YOU and shake your faith in yourself.

I'm so sorry he is still so screwed up.

[limbo]

Thank you both

I don't think I will ask to see it, she sent another email back, and basically said he is spinning a tale as to how she is, and that how he will do anything when confronted.
I did email back and told her basically she is no saint, and alot of what I know about her is from coworkers and not him, and also from what I have seen with my own eyes.
I kind of let her have it, and to be honest it felt good to do it!
But I still kept my cool, and didn't stoop to her level!

But in the long run it doesn't help much, I am still left with this mess, and trying to sort it all out.
He said earlier that she was the one to initiate contact again, and he thought he would get her to go away.
But now I just don't know, now I wonder just how much lies there are, and do I need to know all the facts in order to make the right decision.

Its hard, my son heard us arguing this morning, and was in tears, telling us it scares him when we fight! so I just don't know what to do!

[JoieDeVivre]

Limbo,
I can confirm that Deauxlie is absolutely right because I'm a LBS who has had contact with the OW in my sitch. This woman has called and left messages at our house and my cell phone, and she's sent me emails. Some of the voicemails were horrible. They devastated me because she went into details about her and my H that I didn't need to hear.

I won't get into the details but it did shake my faith in him, and us and our piecing efforts. I mean, who and what are you supposed to believe???? I reached the point where I didn't want to read or listen -- so I didn't. I've also never responded to those emails or messages.

What helped me in my sitch was my H's actions. A year ago, he when he swore he wasn't with her anymore, but was, deep down inside I knew it! I didn't believe his lies about sudden overnight business trips.

But now things are different. He's pretty transparent so if OW contacted me and told me he'd been with her, I would not believe it.

What does your H's actions of late tell you?

One other thing, if OW has resorted to contacting you like this, no matter what the reason, then whatever is going on is falling apart. Perhaps they're both guilty of the contact.

I'd play it cool for a couple days and see what transpires...

Joie

[limbo]

Thank you

I did get another email back from her basically she is saying he chased her, he told her I was a domineering wife who wouldn't let him out of the house. They he only married me because he felt obligated, and that he never loved me.
But I can't see 18 yrs of obligation...I know that i was a bitch, and i know how I was. But I also know that I have changed.
He tells me he loves me, that me and the kids are what he wants, and I don't believe they have actually met, but then again who knows.
He has agreed to go back to his C and also wants to do retrouvaille again. But does not want to do marriage counselling.

I have told him we have to go slow this time, and have no big expectations and just see where we go.

[DiDi]

That's wonderful news about the C and Retrouvaille!

Block her, dear Limbo. She has no reason to be honest with you. Her moral character, at the very least is suspect!!! You do need to find a way to eventually get the truth from your H as you rebuild the faith and trust that's been shaken... but you sure as heck don't need the "answers" from her.

Hang on to that C agreement like a pitbull --- If she's spewing that kind of hurtful dreck, her motives are not honorable. I don't doubt he complained about you-- I never heard of a MM telling the OW that his wife is an angel and he's just a selfish, cake-eating jerk who wants some extra on the side.........

lots of luck and hugs!

[limbo]

I have to send one more email, basically confirming its me thats been in contact, as h owed her money from last summer, and she says me knowing is payment enough, but again we shall see.

In her email she said she took the high ground because she kept away for as long as she did...what a twisted sense of high ground she has...because she would never have gotten with him in the first place if she took the high ground!

Sometimes I just wonder if I have the strength to do this yet again, sometime I am just so tired of working on my marriage..its been 2 years now, and i just don't have alot left in reserve.
I will make him stick to going to see the c, and I am going to call our retrouvaille core leads tomorrow and talk to them and just see what they think, whether we should go back to core, or do the weekend over again, I worry about what I tell my Mum as she would have to watch the kids if we do the weekend.
He asked me today what I believed, and I honestly said I just don't know anymore, its all just going around in my head, I am going back over our entire married life to see if there were signs.

here is the email she sent back

Listen Limbo, you don't know me. don't pretend to by listening to hearsay. also, i did not go after your husband or whatever you think. when he first approached me with emails and compliments, i was lead to believe he had a shitty married life. and i did stay away and didn't give it another thought because he was married, and even more so, i had met you. but he always made me think to the contrary. In fact he said he didn't think he ever loved you, he felt 'obligated' to marry. that's why i got to know him better.

i know who i am, i can sleep well at night with a clear conscience, can you? Knowing you're with a man who doesn't love you, has said nothing but how domineering you are and that you don't even let him out of the house... is that the real you? if so then it's I who feel sorry for you ... you can suppose or think what you like. that's not my problem.

he took me through hell and back during all this. convinced me he wanted me and not you... to which i believed i took the high road.

i gave him money for his florida vacation and he took it. i also gave him money last christmas.

i am no threat to you or your children.... i only wanted out. i've got what i wanted, and you have what you want , your husband. try treating him like one. I feel sorry for you that you know you're husband has cheated on you, yet you still want him. I also feel sorry that you use your children to justify your marriage.

But i too will do whatever it takes to get rid of him bothering me. I've suffered enough. i'm not a crazy kidnapper, so i can assure you your kids are 'safe'. From me anyway.


i will welcome your email on tuesday ... thanks for that....

So this is what I am trying to work through...thanks again for the support!