I think the example she and my Dad gave of not communicating effected us. It's what we knew, it's what we did in our own marriages.
Wooo MaState..... rigorous honesty here! Hats off to ya.
A realization like this is what I refer to as "The Good Stuff". Meaning that these kinds of self assesments are what growth is all about.
They are such the antithesis of blame.
Honest self-assesment (not to be confused with self-blame or self-condemnation) is dealing with truth in a mature way. I do not believe we can ever change anything that we are not honest about.
God as I understand him teaches that truth is freeing. Meaningful self-assesment is a pure example of what I believe this means.
To be able to look at your home life situation (family of origin) and to make a non-judgemental assesment of a problem that got woven into the fabric of your and your siblings understanding and behaviour is an amazing breakthrough. Doing this without blame, resentments or excuses is amazingly mature.
Then to move on and deal with it is even more amazing. You and those around you will benefit from your recovery from such a situation.
Perhaps this is the kind of stuff that the theme of this thread refers to. This is the kind of stuff I hang around here for.
I've been thinking lately about something my mother said recently. My Mother and Father were married for 30 years, divorced and then remarried. My Mother was the left behind when my Dad went off the deep end with a younger women and booze.
There are three kids in our family. My brother is the oldest was left behind by his wife of 34 years, my sister is next was left behind by her husband of 33 years, and them my I was left behind by my husband after 25 years.
My Mom was talking about thinking she had done something wrong in the way she raised us that caused us all to have these marriage problems. At the time, I told her it had nothing to do with her but lately I'm thinking that she did.
I think the example she and my Dad gave of not communicating effected us. It's what we knew, it's what we did in our own marriages.
Gigi,
It is sad to imagine all of the pain there. Four marriages shattered; one restored. That must be so tough.
This makes me wonder. Wifey and I were talking about marriages being restored and how some people just wait around. I know of people who 10 years later are still waiting for their spouse to come back to them. It is heartbreaking to see how much pain could be avoided....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I may be wrong on this but after many years reading I seem to see that alot of ardent standers are of a mature age, often with some disability or have suffered from depression. Some on a second marriage.Quite a few do not work or do not need to work. Maybe those factors make it easier to just wait.
One might say I am standing in the sense I have no one else in my life nor have I actively looked. I still love my x in away after many years of no contact and the fact he remarried. I spent many years believing he would return God would hear my millions of prayers. I truly believed God hated D and mine would be the one to make it.
Sadly I was wrong, nor had I factored free will. I am living my life for me and my children, financially much poorer, in the older age bracket, so I guess in away I sort of fit my observations but I do go out, have a life and am not adverse to meeting my knight in shining armour, so I guess I am not quite standing. Lost my train of thought, so I,ll shut up. Sorry it's late and way past my bedtime. Have enjoyed the thread very much, honest and raw but thought provoking. Introspective which I think many ardent standers hy away from. JMO of course and I am often wrong, ha.
Yeap four marriages and all three kids and Mom were left behind. What are the odds?
On the bright side my parents did find each other again. I actually was the Maid of Honor when my Mother and Father remarried. Of course my X was the Best Man - go figure!
My parents had been apart for several years. They had been legally seperated, got back together, split up and then got divorced. My Mom was dating and my Dad was trying to get his life together again.
One day Dad knocked on the door and asked if they could talk. He wanted to come home after five years. Mom didn't let him right away, they went to marriage Cons, had dates, my Dad was required to get out of debt, stuff like that. It took about ten months and then Mom let him move back in.
Not long after the second wedding Dad became extremely ill. He was terminal and required nearly constant care. Mom had lots of help and managed to keep him home with her for ten more years. The 11th year, Dad was in a nursing home. She went everyday rain or shine as Dad wouldn't eat unless she was there to feed him. When Dad finally passed away he was in Mom's arms.
Mom's alone again but not as a left behind anymore, now she's a dedicated widow who keeps his memory alive for all of us....
You'ld love her!
As for me, well I try to remember to communicate more. It's not always easy as Rob and I have such busy lives. Rob is doing double shifts at work and I'm a full time college student who also holds down a full time job. I think much of the time when we don't communicate it's from exhaustion rather than avoidance.
But I keep working!!
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Boy I hope I'm on a "great pathway". I know there's still work to be done.
It's funny that I don't communicate well with my partner as with everyone else I rarely shut up! In fact that was one of the items on my X's bogus why I'm leaving list! I talked too much! The problem is I don't talk to the right person and I do anything to avoid having conflict.
Come to think of it, I do this with my son who still lives at home as well. Poor Rob is always pointing out that I need to be stronger. Not that he's not a good kid, he is, he just really needs to do more and I don't push it. I let him slack off and of course being 20 he's very happy to go alone with the idea!!
LOL - I guess I just put another piece in my puzzel.
Gigi
Last edited by mastateflower; 10/22/0805:08 AM.
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Good work Gigi! Even after all this time you are still discovering where your problems in your M came from and are so willing to share them with us. Thank you so much!
I continue to learn so much about myself and my R style. You and I must be soul sisters. I avoid ALL conflict in every part of my life. My STBX is the same way. We never communicated anything. AWFUL!
Keep sharing and I'll keep learning.
Thank you!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Anyway one is military one is civilian I knew since High School
Both are married, multiple affairs, successful in their jobs, one has children the other does not. Both have been married for decades.
Both have had long periods away from their wives due to employment. By all rights they should have been dumped.
OK now instead of complaining (why me? I did not cheat.) lets look at Chazz's quote
Quote:
Honest self-assesment (not to be confused with self-blame or self-condemnation) is dealing with truth in a mature way. I do not believe we can ever change anything that we are not honest about.
With that said I have read countless articles of dying marriages on this BB for the last 3+ years. I rarely visit other bbs.
I said this before but the common thread I have found was making that emotional connection with your spouse. Both of my friends had it with their spouse.
How one achieves it? If I knew that and was willing to do it I would not be where I am. My situation has some great advantages and sometimes it's putting lipstick on a pig. But a pig with lipsitck looks happy and sooner or later he is happy even if the other pigs laugh at him.
Two points out of this mess of electrons 1. Assess and fix what you did wrong 2. When you dive in again (and most of you will) make and keep that emotional connection. Reguardless if you use prayer, video games, or pool as a catalyst if you do not do #1 and #2 you will revisit this board With less money With more pain And probably a lot more humble
But look on the bright side. Blame the X all the way (with the exceptions like abuse) and you can say
Quote:
There is no way but up
Disclaimer: (say this real fast) Putting lipstick on pigs should only left to professional pig make up artists and never should be attempted in a china shop. Consult the TV show producers Green Acres prior to attempting procedure.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Yeap four marriages and all three kids and Mom were left behind. What are the odds?
On the bright side my parents did find each other again. I actually was the Maid of Honor when my Mother and Father remarried. Of course my X was the Best Man - go figure!
My parents had been apart for several years. They had been legally seperated, got back together, split up and then got divorced. My Mom was dating and my Dad was trying to get his life together again.
One day Dad knocked on the door and asked if they could talk. He wanted to come home after five years. Mom didn't let him right away, they went to marriage Cons, had dates, my Dad was required to get out of debt, stuff like that. It took about ten months and then Mom let him move back in.
Not long after the second wedding Dad became extremely ill. He was terminal and required nearly constant care. Mom had lots of help and managed to keep him home with her for ten more years. The 11th year, Dad was in a nursing home. She went everyday rain or shine as Dad wouldn't eat unless she was there to feed him. When Dad finally passed away he was in Mom's arms.
Mom's alone again but not as a left behind anymore, now she's a dedicated widow who keeps his memory alive for all of us....
You'ld love her!
Gigi,
I am certain I would love your mom. I am sure your father's actions hurt her deeply. Yet, she had the ability to get by that; she saw the bigger picture. Healing from the hurt with your father was better than shutting him out forever. I think she was wise. It seems like your mom is glad she gave him that second chance. In the end, their relationship turned out well...
This honestly brings my greatest past fear to mind... It may seem odd.... Before I remarried, I had such fear over my exW wanting to rebuild our relationship..... I kept having this vision of her and I talking about it..... The truth of it is I loved her more than I ever loved any woman... I just thought I could not open myself up to those feelings and the intense pain again....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I certainly understand the feeling of having loved your x more than you ever loved any other. I have to say I felt the same way and I guess on some level I still do.
But it's really impossible to try to compare the intencity of love one had for one versus what one has for another. What you feel the first time and what you feel the second time are always going to be different because we're different people in different stages in life...don't you agree?
I love Rob very much and our life together is wonderful but Rob will never be the father of my children. It's too late for us to share that experience. That changes things - that doesn't mean I love Rob less, I just love Rob different!
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
