it's seems in piecing we all come to different phases at similar times. We tend to notice these themes after we've posted and pondered about them on our own threads seeking a solution. I figured I'd start this thread as a place for all of us to use to note realizations and possible solutions. with the flow of traffic here in piecing it can become difficult to follow everybody and therefore some may miss out on the great ideas and progress that is made. This should not be a place to vent about what we don't like but a place to note how we effect what we don't like and what we are doing or intend to do about it and to note if it is or isn't working for us.
negative things I've noticed (or times when good dbing is more difficult.
when I'm tired I tend to think or analyze to much taking everything personally not letting go of the sense of impending doom (or waiting for the other shoe to drop or reaperance of ow or a new ow) fear of failure blaming myself for too much holding out for expectations trying to gage things with some fictional meter (hmmm would h have done this at "that" time? are things really different? noting the difficult times (when we are both busy and don't spend a whole hunk of time together I allow myself to go down that dark tunnel of impending doom)
things that have worked
focussing on the positives being me but also not excusing me for behaving badly knowing when to appologize for misconceptions knowing when to leave things alone aknowledging when h speaks his love language aknowledging when h speaks my love language showing apreciation for what h does even when it's his love language and not mine (saying thank you)
things to work on keeping that possitive attitude learning how to get back up when I fall letting go of expectations accepting that it's ok to be happy (letting go of that fear of impending doom) I'm sure there's more but that's a start
please share your accomplishments and challenges here and let's use this thread as a work sheet of sorts to find solutions!!
Your list is pretty thorough, so I may be redundant. Let's see. I might expand your list a little.
1) For the most part, when one's S first "comes back," they are not really back yet. The decision to make things work has been made, but it still takes time and patience. Expectations during this time still need to be put on hold until the R can again flow more smoothly. 2) Expectations (like LL said) are damning. Expectations lead to pressure, which is, naturally, contrary to what we're trying to achieve. 3) We only have control over ourselves. 4) Trying to DB to perfection while in Piecing puts untenable pressure on ourselves. This pressure is projected into our R, thus slowing down the healing process. We (like our Ses) are flesh and blood. We too are entitled to "feel" sometimes. We need to allow ourselves these feelings, but not let those feelings warp our sense of reality...and drive us to do and say things that are contrary to what needs to be said and done. 5) Sometimes we just need "to be." Focusing on the R too much is just...well...too much... 6) Deep down, our Ses are still the same people we married. Over time, through all of the muck, they lost their way and are in a great deal of pain. Patience, forgiveness, kindness, and understanding (in the face of all the junk they are piling on top of us) are the only things that will help draw those people we married out again.
There's more, but I have to get my butt back to work again...just found out we had a few layoffs on Friday. Ugh!
Love the thread, LL. I'm sure I'll duplicate thoughts that both you and jethro have already articulated but since we all seem to go thru some of this stuff...I don't think a bit of duplication hurts...
times when db'ing is difficult when I'm overly tired, feeling unfit (not enough exercise, too much food or drink) when I've let myself get caught up in predicting the future "what if" whe I make ASSumptions about what h is thinking or feeling when I have expectations about the "right" outcome when I forget that h is my friend when I ASSume that h has negative ulterior motives when I've spent SO long fixated on a negative thought that I explode!
things that have worked noticing at least 3 positives every day and thanking him for them having fun together no matter what else is going on (movies, dates, etc) when I focus on the present -- what's going on right this minute when I remember that he's been hurt, too when I take control and responsibility for my own STUFF -- my mood, my reaction, my expectation when I manage my own reaction to a tough situation -- don't EXPECT a reaction from him, don't overreact to what he does when I keep busy and happy in other areas of my life knowing when to back off, keep quiet
things to work on shutting off the ASSumption, expectation, future doom and gloom thought process inside my head Keeping up the appreciation of h. Keeping up the appreciation of ME! Remembering to be present TODAY Remembering to question my ASSumptions: Is that really true? Noting the positives Trying new 180s
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Keeping the loving distance thing going can be difficult. Giving them enough space to grow and realize what we have without smothering them with "can't you see how much ILY"
Its a delicate see-saw we are on and often a emotionally tiring one to boot.
Coming up with new non-verbal ways to show ILY seems to be a lot easier now that I'm tuned into the R better.
being divorced, being patient, realizing that they are confused and hurt. Not being in control. Not being able to tell them that you love them. Not being able to wake up from this nightmare.
) 