Quote: I've noted a couple of things in the last few days....there's a definite "crossover" impact when I'm feeling stressed or anxious about work and my ASSumption that it's really about h....what I mean: sometimes I feel anxious when I'm AT work and I ASSume it's actually about h. well, this AM, I was able to SEE that my anxiety was about WORK not h. leading me to think that I need to stop ASSuming everything is anxiety about h.
taken from sage's awesome thread!!
I too do this alot. I realize it but then wonder IS h responsible, IS what's going on or not going on in the r effecting my anxiety or stress level elswhere?
a struggle.
how to accept full responsibility for my own happiness?
tough when I sit and try to ponder...was I happier and less anxious about general things during seperation?
am I more at ease when h is not a part of the picture?
if so then am I more at ease outside the confines of a r in general or am I more at ease outside the confines of this r?
1. When I have PMS and am already having a rough time staying composed. 2. When H needs space or solitude and my paranoia about OW and/or abandonment starts kicking in. 3. When H gets negative and I let it suck me down. I interpret his negativity as being so unhappy that he wants to split up--again, my abandonment issues. 4. When I get angry at H. I'm afraid express anger or any other emotions that may drive H away. 5. When I allow myself to mentally visualize H and OW in any way: past, present or future.
What doesn't work: 1. letting myself get caught up in paranoia: fear of abandonment, fear of rejections, fear of betrayal. 2. letting myself get caught up in H's negativity and reacting to it. 3. letting myself get caught up in anger at H that really springs from not forgiving. 4. assuming that I can predict H's thoughts and actions. 5. assuming that H has hidden agendas and malignant secrets.
What still needs work: 1. Mental discipline so that I can stay emotionally composed, detached, and question my assumptions. 2. Learing how to "complain" or express legitimate anger in a way that doesn't cause me to fear rejection or make H feel critisized. 3. Resonding to each situation in a mindful way instead of reacting. 4. When H says something that I don't like hearing, remembering that I always wanted him to communicate more so I can't have it both ways! 5. Continuing to work on trust and forgiveness. Remembering that this is a process and forgiving myself that I haven't been able to completely trust or forgive yet.
Quote: 5. assuming that H has hidden agendas and malignant secrets.
right there with you on this one!! it is my terrible fantasy that h is here just for the kids and is still in contact with ow and will be until the kids are raised and he can guilt free leave to be with her.
Oh yeah...I've had that one..and our youngest is 16 already.
Sometimes I have this terrible fantasy that H has only learned to hide his "indescretions" better now, and the A is still going on with the betrayal much more sophisticated this time.
Quoting talitsa: Oh yeah...I've had that one..and our youngest is 16 already.
Sometimes I have this terrible fantasy that H has only learned to hide his "indescretions" better now, and the A is still going on with the betrayal much more sophisticated this time.
Ugghh is right.
so then what to do with these crappy feelings? other then wait and see if they are justified.
Well, personally..... I remind myself that there is a lot of evidence so far that my terrible fantasies are not only incorrect, but a waste of my time and energy.
Heck...I LOOK for that kind of evidence to prove that my paranoid thoughts are just that....paranoid thoughts.
The paranoia thing is a time and energy blackhole. Like many of us I spent years standing next to it and couldn't function. Keeping the PMA up and realizing that if our R is worth it, I'd better not worry about "it" anymore. Becuase poor PMA about "history" is basically what lead up to our current sitch.
Instead of laying on the couch, because I've exhausted myself worrying about "it" all day, my W asks me why I have so much energy?
Easy to say hard to do, I know, it took me three years of wasted time and energy to figure it out. Once in a while that darn blackhole still calls my name, but I'm learning to ignore it more often than not.
another thing that makes piecing difficult for me and I really hate to say this is the kiddos.
being an at home mom I am tired and stressed and don't get a lunch break, the best I can manage is a quick peek at the putter for 2 min or so before someone is climbing on me, it also becomes difficult for any impromptu nights out or nights in as we have to get the kiddos off to bed and that task sometimes isn't completed til 9pm and with both h and I having been up since about 5am it doesn't make for much quality time to spend together.
plus being at home alone all day with the kids adds to my lonliness and I tend to (in my mind and sometimes outloud) make that h's responsibility. ugh!!
and on those stressed days I don't always get a wind down, can't just go for a run or off to the gym to burn off some frustrations or even just to put me in a better mood without persuading them and sometimes that's just more aggrivation.
I know they will grow up and I will miss having babies but man does it put pressure on a stable r never mind one that has "issues"
Ohhhhh Yeah, I remember those days of being exhausted from young children. I remember having a small breakdown one day, called my mom crying and begged her to tell me it would get easier so I could just be patient and get through it.
I hate to tell you this, but Mom said, "Well honey, it doesn't get easier, it just gets different".
She told me the truth. Every stage of raising kids has been distinctly different. Some stages will let you get more physically rested...but.
I think the young childhood (0-6) and teenage years have been the most difficult, but are probably the times I will also miss the most.
I know that sometimes the stress of kids can put extra strain on a M, but sometimes the kids have been a welcome distraction for us too.
Hi..Ll..like your new thread..oh those days of little ones and no one to talk to...I remember those..but trust me it does get easier..before long they are driving and don't need you too much. I will say don't let them consume your life..find the time to get away sometime...my life was revolved around all that and when they did not need me..well what do I do..what do h and I do??? Make sure you both get some away time..together and apart.
I am sure I don't need to tell you how very lucky you are to be able to be home..so many young moms would love to, but can't..or won't make the sacrifices it takes to do it.
