the fact that infidelity seems to be so in vouge these days it's often a daily topic.
having to redifine boundaries (well ok bending them to allow this one slip)
spending to much time pondering to what extent the a went (not simply how much if a pa but the how, what, where and why's of the a) I've discovered that the more truth I do know the more my imagination takes it.
dealing with "the label" of being a betrayed spouse by those who know (key for those who haven't told many family and friends about an op...don't) and neg thoughts of self for accepting it.
I was listening to a radio talk show last night where the two hosts (both male, neither married) discussing the kobe case and of course the clinton case and how they are tired of hearing how "strong" the women who put up with infidelity are...believing that if they were truly strong they'd send them packing. They also pointed out how when a woman stands by her man she is called strong but if a man stands by his woman who cheats he is a (well they used some un pretty words) let's just say he's less of a man. I so wanted to call in and simply point out to them the fact that it is easy to make such statements when one has never been married and therefore truly doesn't have a clue what they would do faced with such a scenario..but never the less I was still left feeling like less of a woman for accepting my h's infidelity even if just the supposed ea he claims it to be (can ya sense I still have doubts about that fact)
I wish I had the answer for you, LL. I struggle with the same feelings.
I hate for people to tell me how strong I am. I don't FEEL strong. I FEEL weak and stupid and just a plain idiot. Those feelings are getting stronger as time goes by. I find myself thinking that I have to do something to boost my self-esteem.
The only thing keeping me sane right now are my kids. My youngest S (17) put his arms around me the other night and told me how much he loved me; how "strong" he thought I was, that I am what holds our family together; and that he knows how hard it was for me and continues to be, but that he really appreciates everything I've done to keep us together.
That made a huge impact on me as a mother, but as for as being a woman/wife/lover, I still feel like a fool.
And I don't know how to deal with that!! How do I combine the two?
I heard the old....you are doing so well and this will make you stronger story for months and months and like you I just felt weak on the inside. I wondered what in the world these people were seeing that I wasn't or maybe I just became very good at hiding. I still feel weak inside at times. I worry constantly about him starting another R like he did before and it has really caused alot of problems for us because I am constantly suspicious and checking up on him.....he gets upset, but we deal with it. One day this thought hit me.....If he truly didn't love me and want to work things out with me then why would he deal with the paranoia and accusations? He does though and we go on....I just wanted to throw that thought out.....((((((HUGS))))) to all.....
It is so easy for others..especially single people to judge why someone stays and forgives an a....an a of any kind..my h had some kind of ea with this ff...and LL..you are so right don't tell family and friends..my family knows bits and pieces and of course assume there was hot and heavy pa going on...and anyhting I have said now, they don't even hear..but the anger they feel for my h is there and I can sense it..and they don't and never will know the whole truth...I learned early on not to say anything more about our r, our sep, our lives to ANYONE.
Each one of us has to find the peace, forgiveness, or whatever it takes to move on...if your spouses have come back,and they genuinly have shown the desire to piece the m back, I would be jumping for joy, but that is not how everyone feels, and since my h does not show any interest in piecing right now, I will not judge that you who have them back are so lucky..and that you should not complain...just get on with life, cause I am smart enough to know that a m just can't pick up and go on as if nothing happened.I hear about the feelings of anger and resentment start to creep in, and learning how to deal with all that is probably harder then the work you had to do to stay sane through the first phase of this journey.
In my case there was no infidelity. But people still think I should have locked the door on my H just for leaving me with 3 kids. I know that I feel strong that I was able to make so many postive changes in myself but I don't feel strong that I am willing to let him home when it is all about me changing not him so much....
In my case there was no infidelity. But people still think I should have locked the door on my H just for leaving me with 3 kids. I know that I feel strong that I was able to make so many postive changes in myself but I don't feel strong that I am willing to let him home when it is all about me changing not him so much....
Lynn
abbe,
in my case the "affair" honestly is still the minimal problem. I suppose if h had been involved or if I knew that this a was more of a full fledge pa and not "just" the ea it is claimed to be, the a might be more of the presenting problem. I suppose I can understand how people "unintentionally" get involved with other people, be it a coworker or a friend or whatever...it is more when it leads up to that partner leaving the marriage that is a problem for me. That is not to say that having a's is acceptable behavior, it simply states that I understand how it could happen.
it was 4 months after the admittance of the innapropriate "friendship" (or heck the admittance of a friendship at all) that my h left the m.
what am I saying? I suppose all I'm trying to say is that the fact that h left me and the kids (though he will never admit to leaving the kids) hurts a heck of a lot more than his getting involved in something he now knows he shouldn't have gotten involved in. It is the fact that he left that makes the a that much harder to deal with.
I suppose this is simply more venting. What is the solution to feeling this way.
how to get rid of the thoughts that h would or could leave again?
how to stop living life as if he will leave again (stop waiting for that other shoe to drop)
Quote: but I don't feel strong that I am willing to let him home when it is all about me changing not him so much
this one irks the heck out of me too!! big time...especially since the changing that I've had to make is to stop complaining or asking him to make the changes I was seeking in the r in the first place...grrrr...
but it seems at least in my case that all I was doing was going down cheeseless tunnels and the way to create "changes" in h's behaviour has been to make changes in my own. ie. acting as if I'm happy has made him happy and therefore he is a more willing participant in the r.
I am going through a tough piecing patch again after a good month.
I hear you about the stress the kiddies can place on you. One good thing about our separation was the extra responsibility H took on for the kids and that has more or less remained. He now comes home early 2/3 nights a week and takes over for me and I am out of that door. We also get a babysitter in once a week and go dancing
I keep thinking why didn't we do that before? It helps sooo much.
Things that don't work Feeling resentful that it is me doing all the work on R Not asking for what I need and then finally asking in a negative tone because it has been festering with me for so long Feeling negative about M generally, feeling like he was never the man I should have married blah blah blah
Things that make it better Texting little love notes - even just one word like Gorgeous X is enough! Thanking and appreciating Spending time together Little kindnesses Physical touch (near the top LL for both of us)
Things that still need work Try to stop feeling weak or like an idiot for trying to piece M back together even after A and when feeling like H was never right man
Try to think of ways to talk constructively about our R without getting into same old behaviour patterns and not solving anything
Trying harder to focus on the positive aspects of our M instead of the negative
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
LL, once again you hit it right on the head. Before the A, I would have insisted that I would have changed to locks as soon as I knew about an A. I couldn't. I feared the EA much more than the PA, because the EA can last forever if just one person nurtures it. This is making it hard to say "it's over", and not just put on hold.
