Introducing myself...

[Livin4ME]

Hi everyone...after doing some reading on this board, I really feel that this is the best place for me now. I'm not sure if anyone has read any of my posts on the Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy board, but that's where I've been.
It's been a long drawn out year. I shouldn't say I've given up on my M, it's more like I've decided to start living for me.
I'm currently still living with H, he has not refiled yet, but intends to very soon (in the next week or so) and then moving back in with OW. We have 2 beautiful amazing children. I am a MamaBear when it comes to them....don't mess with my kids!
I've gone thru most of the steps...denial, depression, 'I can fix this!' to now acceptance. I'm back in the 'I can fix this' stage, but 'this' is now about me. I can fix me. I can make me the woman I want to be, for myself and for my children.
My plans are to finish school (which will be in 3 weeks), get a job and move back to where I have a support system. I would like to start dating again, but not right now. I'm content with being by myself and my few friends I do have here and my kids. Girls nights rock!
I must say in the last year, I went from being the needy, controlling, controlled, depressed wimp I had turned into and I now have more control of myself, my emotions and my future. I laugh more, I'm more relaxed, I'm motivated. I don't love my life right now, but it's on the right track. I have my good times and my bad. And I'm learning to deal with them.
My STBXH is going to have a rough road ahead of him because of the decisions he has made for himself. It's not my job to protect him anymore. It's time for me to start making my life the way I want it by the decisions I make.
I'm still not sure on the details of how I want my life, I'm sure it will always be changing, but I have a general idea of what I want. I want happiness and I can't depend on anyone other than myself to fulfill that. I want a relationship with someone who respects me and I him, filled friendship, love and committment. My dream is to be a little old lady sitting on the front porch with that man holding hands looking back on the great life we have made with each other and still loving each other. I want to be a good example for my children. I want them to know that life is hard, and you have to work at it, but the pros far outweigh the cons. I want them to know I loved them with every ounce in my body and I did everything I could to give them the best life possible.
So this is me...and I'm very excited to meet everyone and share our roads to success.

[KarenMarieS]

Hi Confused
Was just scanning the board, I am not really on here much anymore, but came across your thread,
You sound like an amazing woman who really has her act together already! Good for you!! It takes a lot of us, a long time to get where you are now.

My ex left 6 yrs ago, D 2 yrs, and I am now what you say living my life for me, w/ a wonderful fiance, my S settled in college and , well a few things i need to iron out like a better job! lol but hey works in progress right?

Enjoy your time here on S, I have met some of the most wonderful people here and I know you will too, You have a great attitude!

[Livin4ME]

Thank you Karen...I still have my moments!!! This afternoon for instance! But it will get better I know. STBX finally told me he will be filing Thur...but continue to live in the house until he does. So he can explain it to our 3 year old S. I guess he thinks he has the mental capacity at 3 to understand it. Now I'm just trying to convince him to leave tonight but he refuses. ahhh, the joys.
Congrats on moving on! It takes a lot to be able to do that. We are all strong...just have to dig down deep enough to find it!!

[whatisis]

Hi Confused, welcome to surviving! We've all had to get to the point where we realize that it's about "fixing me" and "building myself a life". The old life is gone, we grieve it but we keep plodding on with the realization that there are better days ahead! You sound like you're right on track to finding those days soon.

[kml]

Hi there, Confused -

Just one question for you. I assume you are planning to move home to where your family is? Have you investigated the legal issues around that? I'm under the impression that in most states, the father can keep the mother from moving out of state with the kids.

Others here may have some suggestions for ways around that, but I think you should get yourself some legal advice right away.. Also, go grocery shopping and stock up on canned goods and toiletries if you can.

Your H sounds like a real piece of work, who has found an OW who is just as slimy as he is (that whole faked pregnancy and miscarriage thing - yuck! WHY do men fall for that garbage????).

You CAN and WILL do much better in your life. Honest.

So - dream some big dreams for yourself.

Ellie

[needlove]

Welcome Confused!

I'm new here too. H got served his papers last Friday and we are still living in the same house.

It's been roughly two years since the "my feelings have changed," "I don't love/want you" statements. I've finally accepted that he moved on with his life long ago. It is difficult, but life goes on.

You've got good goals for yourself. I think the majority of us here want to have/find that relationship that takes us porch.

Keep the positive attitude!

[Livin4ME]

Thanks for the support everyone. I so need it!!!
There won't be any issues regarding moving to another state. STBX is moving next year to where I am wanting to go anyways because of military orders. We lived there for 5 years before. I built quite a support system there. Also, the economy is alittle bit better there than where I live now and where my family lives.
As long as he okay's me moving there with the kids, there won't be a problem. In our last judgement from before, it was in there that me and the kids would be allowed to move there.
I'll be moving about 2 hours away from where he will be. So even if the courts give me issues about it, I have a good argument for it. I have more opportunity to better myself there so I can provide a better life for my children. Also, they will be 2 hours from their father instead of 3.5 days away. The state I live in now SAYS they will base the decision on...whether it would be beneficial to the children financially, emotionally and physically. Along with if it would be inhibiting or encouraging a relationship with the other parent. And as long as the other parent agrees with it.
Thanks for looking out for me ellie!!!
I've definitely gotten better feedback from here than on the other board. That board was great for me while I was still in that sitch. But given the sitch has changed...
Thank you so much for the welcomes!! I definitely need the encouragement!
needlove, how have you been able to do it still living in the same house? I'm a great actress, but I think we would always be at each other necks! I give you kudos!!!

[Livin4ME]

I just wish he would leave already. Now that he's 'given me notice', it's like he has to be a complete jerk all the time. It's so much easier when he's not here. This morning he yelled at me over the stupidest thing, then when he called to check about it, he was wrong!!! But he continued yelling at me at stuff even about my reaction to the kids. I told him just because he's told me he was leaving doesn't mean he can't still back me up in front of the kids with them.
It's like now he has to find every little thing to nitpick about to justify what's he doing. LEAVE ALREADY!!!
We haven't yelled or fought about anything in the last 2 months he's been here. But just this morning has got me so fed up. He got to me this morning. I let him get to me. And I'm just tired of it.

[needlove]

I can't explain how we've managed to live with each other for so long. I too have days where I'm like leave already. I took crap recently for changing the phone bill. It's in his name, but I authorized "bundling" of services to save us some money. He flipped. Waiting for 3 days before telling me he had his own car insurance. H probably wouldn't have told me except that I questioned him on the insurance after he yelled at me for the phone bill.

All I can say is that I am taking it one day at a time. It helps that he works so much that he's not home much. I think part of his reaction/anger is for putting us in this situation in the first place. Don't let your husband push your buttons. Hard to do, I know, but necessary.

Had my H admitted to some stuff and said I want to work things out, I'd have stayed. However he can't even say he's sorry for his 1/2 of our problems. What kind of example would I be teaching my daughter if I stayed in a loveless marriage.

What I'm slowly learning is that "I too DESERVE love and happiness."

My thoughts seem to be all over the place today but here is a final thought. Live by Dory's words. Things will eventually get better.

[Livin4ME]

needlove, I give you props for doing it. I know it must be extremely hard. I can't even imagine having to still live with STBX while going thru all this. As it is right now, we can't even be around each other without completely ignoring each other or yelling at each other. He knows how to push my buttons and I'm still working on controlling my emotions around him. That's why I ignore him. I try going with the saying...If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!!!
You definitely deserve love and happiness. You deserve to be respected as a person, mother and wife. You deserve a healthy R.
BTW, if everyone hasn't guess it yet, I've changed my name from Confused13 to Livin4ME. :-)