i have read DR.. but i was intent on it solving my probs i dont think i really comprehended what i needed to do.. chapter one, a couple weeks later is finally seeking in. maybe it was inital shock of wife just leaving out of nowhere i had to accept.. i am ready to think and lose the old habits.. set new goals and have patience for them to come to be.. my faith is low, however, and since she left it shows how determined she is to move on.. i know she is confused, but to say she isnt in love with me anymore, but still cares and loves me in general really sinks deep.
how do u become "the one" for someone again when they feel it isnt meant to be.. ?
i know what i need to do.. set them goals, make them changes, etc.. but wow is it discouraging to get feedback like that.
i have difficulty knowing how to take action... i know the changes i may need to do such as, be more attentive to her needs (which unfortunately now is to be left alone), do away with negatives about the R, do away with the pursuing, be a friend who listens, can advise, and be supportive...
prob is i have seen her once this past week and that was monday, it went horrible... havent seen her since and talked for seconds at a time on two occasions.
its frustrating.. and i miss her madly..
still confused but having times with the feet on the ground and head out of the clouds..
Quote: How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?
I'm uncertain but I'm trying to figure out whats going on in his head as well as mine by reading & chatting with other DBers
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? I've found that there are times when i can predict whats going to happen by the past & have also learned to read his attitude by is "new" behaviors - like when he's in Family mode he'll wear 1 hat & when he's in Party mode he'll wear a differant one
Especially about the "negative" things? This MLC thing has me confused, sometimes the "negative things" pop up from out of the blue & hubby blindsides me, like this past weekend - why bring up what he knows will end up being a fight when he already knows that he's not going to go to the party if I say that I'm not going to be without a car - so he's got 2 choices Stay Home with me or Take me & Prove there's nothing going on with Robin - he already knew the choice he'd made so why bring up the party so we can fight needlessly?
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? The man's a punk - mama's boy & needs to grow up & stand on his 2 feet
What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? I'd most likely tell myself to leave, I can do better than I am - I'd tell him to grow up & get with the program - he's got a good wife & family that loves him go home & work it out & forget the losers
How might you see things differently? Right now I really can't see things differantly - it's been over 1 yr of this MLC BS & those who know why I'm still around & what I'm trying to do are all saying the same thing that I'd tell myself if I were on the outside - I deserve better than this kind of treatment, most can't or won't try to understand in this land of easy divorce why I'd try to hold onto this mama's boy
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread,
what would you post to yourself? STOP EVERYTHING! Start Here
What advice would you give to you? Start here on this thread while waiting for delivery of DR book & get a Solutions Journal & actually do the work in the book - in addition to posting to the board - chat via the instant messengers to help get some instant feedback
How well would you take that advice?! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif" alt="" /> Wish that I'd had this before all of this craziness started & so far althou I've fallen off the DB wagon a few times so far I've managed to get back on & start over & it's now 1yr 3+ months of replay now that I know what this BS is & hopefully I'll be able to continue on to see the end of the MLC & have my hubby returned from the mothership a better more mature version of the man I married back in 1992
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like? Honestly I'm unsure of how to answer this question - there are 2 possible futures that I'm looking at right now - in 1st MLC ends quickly & hubby's in good health & we move forward to Stage 5 on the Marriage Map & get the home of our dreams after 3 years in our own 3 family investment home - the 2nd is not so rosey a picture MLC continues & hubby's health detioriates possibly blindness &/or partially crippled sets in & this causes hubby to lose his job hubby ends up in a nursing home 'cause his parents aren't able to care for him (they are retired & on a lower income trying to work parttime themselves now) or I'm allowed to care for him because I'm the wife either way hubby's likely to be even worse depression than the MLC depression that he's in right now
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with? I do know that hubby's got some childhood issues that he's got to work thru & this MLC fog has him drinking rather than facing his issues I don't like what this MLC has him doing to escape from his troubles but I can try to patiently wait this out & be here to pick up the pieces when it's over if things turn out badly for his choices of dulling the MLC pain
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective? My "blinders" - have come off since getting DB & DR I've been more concious about the things that I'm doing & saying I've noticed my cheeseless tunnels & am doing my best to avoid them althou I do still end up down some of them - at least I know that I'm heading down it & am stopping the behavior earlier what I need to do now is find some alternatives to try I've been unfocused & a bit scatter brained reactting rather than thoughtfully experimenting
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?! the end that is in sight just distant for the moment
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are? If a miracle happened overnite & everything was perfect I'd wake up & hubby would be snoring quietly by my side naked with a smile on his face Our family would notice because he'd be here in our bed instead of spending his nites so much at his mom's house his job would notice because he'd once again start talking about me like he use to all of the time quoting things which I've said about various things I've learned & told him His "new bad influence friends" would notice because he'd no longer be hangging out & letting them use up all of our money Our old friends will see it because we'd start to go around them again
If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? More open communication is what I'd like to see More expressive of whats inside instead of censorship More FUN - going places & doing things like we use to do when we were dating & 1st married Discussion of major purchases & budgeting so that we can afford the nice things in life A home of our home
What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction? Would or Could now be doing? I'm not sure how to address this question - This is sort of a cheeseless tunnel as in the past that's been a problem we've had I try to lead the family along the path which will benefit the family & hubby seems to undermine the plan maybe the key is to let him actually lead it's just that hubby's always been a follwer from what I can see as he's failed to lead the family which creates troubles that I've had to find a way to get us out of - quite frankly I'm tired of that behaivor & would love for him to really LEAD the FAMILY
I'd appreciate some helpful suggestions as to how I should best handle this Idea of Leading into the Right Direction hubby seems to always undermine the plans which I lay out in front of us wheteher it's my idea or his own, the plans always seem to be undermined-
Now, empty your minds, and let's begin!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well I'm working on Step 1 this next 2 weeks - both online as well as in my newly re-Started Solutions Journal My New Years Resolution to do ALL of the Steps In Order & to Completion of ALL 7 Steps!
Could use a few chat/instant messenger buddies who are also going thru the Steps this january - any one want to share the ups & downs of the Steps?
1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing. False is my answer
True, or false? How do you think your partner would answer? I I think hubby would answer True, as he seems to run away From Conflict & uses Avoidance on the Issues that he doesn't want to deal with; ie the need for a budget
How have you and your partner dealt with conflict and anger in the past? Not very well - I'm the one who'll get explosive when I'm upset - I've been working on staying calm but still find that I'm NOT GETTING THRU because I end up doing the Broken Rcecord
he's unwilling to discuss things calmly before they become problems & either watches the TV or just zone out
once in awhile he'll come out of the blue with something & then won't continue the discussion to conclusion which frustrates me - pushing the button on me that gets me ranting & raving
What is the "typical" thing for both of you to do? Depends on the Nature of the Conflict & Who's "starting the conflict"
I have a tendancy to try to talk over something & the tone of voice increases as the frustration level rises
He has the tendancy to put off all discussions that deal with unpleasant things that he doesn't want to deal with he'll watch TV & zone out rather than participating in the discussion or he comes out of the blue blurting something & then won't discuss it any further or he doesn't discuss things that he's going to do & then gets mad when I question whats not been done or what he's doing & still doesn't fully explain himself - many agruements could be avoided if he'd simply discuss what he's planning to do & the reason for it
What do both of you do to either avoid conflict, or to instigate it? I try to ignore things or try to talk things over so that I can understand whats going on
He won't discuss things so that I can understand the reason for what he's doing He watches TV when I'm trying to have a discussion
When are the times that you've been able to deal with anger and conflict successfully? It seems like it's been forever since we've had a successfully ended conflict, I know this isn't true but it just seems like it at this point as we're in the middle of a MAJOR Conflict
what worked before his MLC for the major conflicts isn't working this time,
right now 1/06 to 1/14/04 we seem to be stuck in a conflict cycle that just doesn't seem to be ending, even thou I'm trying to calm the situation down he seems determined to escalate it - so what I've done is let him have the time alone that he's requested even thou I know that he'll just use this conflict to justify in his MLC fog mind that he's right in his outrageous behaviours
The last times that we had conflict that was close to what what we're going thru now & we couldn't seem to get to how to stop I forced us to have a discussion in the car drive that was long & we were in the car until the air was cleared - it was a long time coming, the 1st time we literally were in the car from 7am when I picked him up in the morning from work & stayed in the car until what seemed like forever - but past sunset & once we got to the major issues & seemed to be opening up to some what was the problems & solutions I let him take control of the car & we got something to eat & finished on a happy note
MLC Conflicts seem to be non-stop so far this year - just finish getting calm from the 1st & suddenly there's a new one... all actually seem to be intertwined just escalating, but the last 2 escalations are due to hubby just blurting out & then not taking to conclusion the discussion - major issues involoved & the 1st escalation he knew his choice prior to bringing up the discussion & the best thing would've been to simply forget the discussion in the 1st place (he's pushing my buttons - why I'm unsure but my theory is to justify his misbehaviour that he's got planned next)
When has it worked for them, and when has it worked for you? I'm trying to figure out this right now but since I'm in the middle of a Major Conflict Cycle that I'm unsure how to get out of at this point I'm not sure.
What were you both doing at the time? Pre-MLC the car drives worked because althou we were mad at each other for the conflict & both of us resented the car drives - him for being taken for the ride & me for feeling forced to make the drive - we did evetnually get to the point where the discussion was opened up & we began to work on resolving the problems that needed to be addressed by establishing what the true problem was & then how to deal with it in some sort of fashion - that's not happening at this point in time because he doesn't want to work things out & is in childish selfish mode - it's my way or no way
P.S. I don't want to hold anyone back, or rush them forward, so feel free to make you comments or ask questions on your own time frame. The "fitness center" here will be open for awhile!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif" alt="" />
Could use some help in this area right about now...
Any Advice would be helpful right about now djembequeen
ps Thanks "Poe" for helping me to deal with the 2nd escalation - it did help to try to calm me down, even thou I did keep taking the bait that he was setting up, you did help to get me distracted for short periods which I needed, do wish that the mic was on so you could've heard what was being said
"You're more likely to divorce if there are differences in your backgrounds, your likes and dislikes, and interests".
false is my answer - I think hubby would answer the same
Thoughts on this illusion? differences can many times compliment each other, where one person is very alert to small details another may be able to see the big picture but not know how to get there we can learn from each other & help each other
What are some of the differences between the two of you that you thought were "cute" when you first got together, but you now think are rather "annoying"?! I use to think that it was ok for hubby to be shy & rather naive to the mean world but now his naivety as to the fact that there are people who will pretend to be your friend just to get what they want out of you (users & losers) is not only turning into something very annoying but is creating a huge problem in our marriage as he's turning off his shyness with the excessive drinking & his "new friends" are encouraging it so that he'll spend way too much on beer & drinks & junk food for thier beer parties while the bills go unpaid
What do you think that their answer to this question might be? I think that Byron use to like the fact that I would speak my mind & that I was independant & that I knew alot more about life than he did, now he resents that I do know more about alot of things & we've had a few discussions about the fact that I try not to do the I told you so but just before he left we were arguing because I knew what was happening & I wanted it stopped before we lost everything due to the partying... prediction? at this point thats just whats happening now credit is screwed after working so hard to get it cleared hubby has tried to kill my independence by forcing me to quit every job that I held that was a regular job so I started working only thru the temp services - he wasn't able to just tell me that he wanted me to stay home with the kids, but after his actting up one time I asked him about it & he didn't give me a straight answer but from his reaction & what the kids told me one time about he wanted to make sure that they had a better childhood than he did I figured out that he resented his mom working so much & leaving him to fend for himself with 3 step brothers against him & his brother & it wasn't the nicest thing growing up for him
In what ways are you different from your partner? I'm first born in my family & older than my husband & have lived a crazy life before meeting my husband, the things which he's now getting into I did back when I was in my 20's & thats why I saw quickly the type of people that he started dealing with were a bad influence & user losers - I'm willing to try new things & learn by research & asking questions when I want to get information on a subject - I'm observant & a bit detailed orientated - I'm out going & enjoy going out I'm aslo able to wait for something that I feel is worth while until a time when we can better afford it I like to talk about things & how they can be changed for the better I look for options & compromises when ever possible
What things might you be able to add to their lives? If hubby would allow me to handle the budget we'd actucally have more than what we have gotten over the past 12 years of marriage, I decided during the 2nd yr of our marriage that since the budget was always a problem that I'd not look at the bills & simply give him the bills to be paid the way he wanted to pay them, sometimes it worked & sometimes we had shutoffs or evictions but at least we weren't arguing every payday about the fact that bills needed to be paid, we've lost more in our 12 yrs of marriage than we've gained If hubby would allow me to get back into the real estate business without argueing with me about what I need for the computer or the time that I spend on the internet to build my webpages then we'd have more money to be better able to afford the things in life that we want If hubby would follow some of my advice instead of listening to his mother about what we should be doing for living arrangements then we'd have our own place long ago & an investment property instead of so many bills & collectors calling If hubby would take the time to enjoy the fun of the game instead of focusing so much on what I'm doing wrong when I was learning how to play golf, pool, darts, bowling, etc going out to the dive bars might be more attractive to me
In what ways is your partner different from you? hubby is the baby of the family & his mother is still treating him like a little boy with her "poor hubby" routine all these years hubby runs away from his problems rather than facing them & looking for ways to solve them - he's running away to his mom's & he's running away thru the drinking hubby keeps his feelings locked up inside & doesn't actually deal with them hubby is quiet & shy pre-MLC days - now he's still quiet when he's sober but he's turning to drinking & has turned into Mr Social Butterfly until his wallett is empty
What things might they be able to add to YOUR life? hubby use to add some quiet fun into my life & introduced me to golf & bowling hubby use to be my friend & confidant hubby use to enjoy being silly
What are your strengths and your weaknesses? +I manage money well +I know alot about healthcare & what I don't know I'll research -I have a tendancy to get emotionally explosive when I've come to the end of my rope -+I can be impulsive sometimes this is bad & sometimes good +I'm a planner & see the bigger picture as well as the knowing to plan the details to make a project happen -I will sometimes be doing too many things at once & things will fall thru the cracks which I meant to take care of -+I have a tendancy to focus on an important project & will basically become 1 minded until the project is completed (hubby has mistaken this for neglect in the past & still doesn't understand that if I don't focus like that then I run the risk of not completing the project or it's completed below expectations - if he were to express to me when he's feeling neglected instead of hoding it in then I could take the time to reassure him that all is well & just give me the time to get the project copleted so that I can get back to regular life) -I have the need to discuss things which are a problem until some sort of resolution compromise can be made
What are their strengths and weaknesses? +hubby is easy going about things, this sometimes can be bad as he'll neglect things until the last minute & it has cost us both in lost opportunities & money +hubby knows alot about computers +hubby basically sees only good in people -hubby has no sense of budgeting -hubby has a childish & selfish attitude at this point in time -hubby has a tendancy to let things just boil inside rather than discuss somethng thats bothering him & then at some point out of the blue blurts out something which should be discussed but refuses to discuss it
How might the two of you be able to combine your strengths, and come together to make a great relationship, to be a great "team"? My knowledge of health could in fact help him to be healthier His knowledge of building computers could help with the business ideas & plans that I have & if instead of argueing with me saying that I don't need something & take the time to understand why I need or want something on the computer he'd see that I'm trying to save us money in the short run & will produce an income in the long run
My knowledge of budgeting, real estate & business could provide us with an income to enable us to live a better life where we could afford to do some of the many things which we use to talk about doing & going
If we discuss things more openly & fully before doing things & updating on a regular basis then we'd be on the same page & could get more things accomplished, we'd also have less misunderstandings as the noncommunicating hs affected everything from our finances to our sex life
What actions could you take if you were to look back at what you were doing in the past, and learn how to appreciate those differences again? Right now when I look back in the past I have now started to be verbally appreciatve of things which hubby is / has done for me like bragging so that he hears it ex:he bought me a fake fur vest so I made sure to tell his mom & the kids & my friend about it & have everyone including him touch it to see how nice it feels
I've tried to be reassuring that hubby is ok in the sex department & have been actively intiating more, even thou I'm still as unhappy as I've been in the past with the sex that we've been having, althou I didn't complain about it I never gave him praises for what he did do, now at least I'm giving him praises so that he feels reassured that despite his ED which I knew was due to the drinking, & diabetes & never commented on, at least he sees me as "excited" about having sex with him I have learned here that althou I need to talk until resolution, he's not ready to talk about things so I've made more of an effort to shut up I'm trying to have more patience with hubby as I now know that he's in MLC & he's got his childhood issuses to deal with & resolve
How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart? I don't know right now what I could use are some suggestions & advice on how to better deal with this MLC that he's in right now - I'm trying to figure out ideas & understand how to detach yet due to his abandonment issuses from childhood let him know that I've not abandoned him & then what could help us be closer right now he only sees negatives & can't even remember how some on his job have commented on the fact that we were such a happy couple & they admired how we had successfully raised the children (most didn't know that my children were not his own) this being said only 2 months before he dropped the bomb & left home to go to mommy's
Again, feel free to take your time with comments and questions!
How would they know if you were thinking that your differences could help to draw you closer together, instead of driving you apart? Right now I am unsure of how to make hubby see that our differences can & do compliment each other & that those which are counter productive can be discussed & worked out if the 2 of us work together to make this the great marriage that it should be
"In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time." False but I don't think that hubby would agree with me & considers it a point that things will never get better & that we must have a bad marriage because of it
How do you feel about this statement? reality is that everyone has fights & it's all in the manner in which you handle them thats make them either productive or non-productive
What things have you and your partner been arguing about that never seemed to get resolved? We should be discussing more the money matters even if he wants to handle the bill payments (I stopped looking at the bills our 2nd yr of marriage because we have 2 differant methods of paying bills & rather than argue I just let him do it & forgot the whole idea of budgeting because even after getting Quicken he wouldn't do it so it's truely a dead horse that can't be beaten
The arguement which was the MLC Bomb Dropping I'm moving to my Mommy's house - was about the friends he's keeping have him drinking way too much & he's the one wasting the money to get them high while our bills & home down payment money ($10k maybe more over the period of a yr) as well as our finally decent credit went down the toilet & I was sick of hm lying & trying to sneak off to be with the whore from his job who is part of the group of "new friends"
Have there been any ways in which your heated arguments have changed over time? I've been less in the ranting & raving until this last cycle which is calmed but still brewing
Have they mellowed in any way? I stopped throwing things at the wall the 1st yr of our marriage & have only resorted to throwing things in complete frustration 2 times in the past 10 yrs
Have any of your disagreements seemed to have maybe become less important than they were before? Before MLC Bomb drop there were a lot of minor stuff that I let slide & I think that he did too, but since the Bomb drop it seems that hubby sometimes is doing things that he knows will start an arguement & everything is reason to be mad or fight
Have you been able to just "agree to disagree" about any subjects? Well I tried to stop a recent fight that he wanted to continue by just saying that I'm not understanding why we're fighting & when he saw that I wasn't going to allow myself to go full flrdged into the fight yelling he decide he wanted to go to his moms house & said fine & when I wasabout to get out of the car he said for me to go home instead of just ignoring him I allowed him the space & time to be at his mom's I'm letting some stuff slide which I really don't want to but since hubby's in MLC & doesn't want to hear anything that I've got to say I'm just ignoring the bait to fight & letting him act like a child while he's having his temper tantrum
If so, how were you able to get to this point? I'm too tird emotionally & actually I'm getting quite disgusted with it all so why bother - I'm feeling this is a dangerous time for myself as I'm feeling discouraged & the temptation to just say F@#$ it all & start my own affair to simply forget but I know this would be wrong & I'd be the one who would suffer more
What works best for you in "choosing your battles"? I used my grandma's Daer Abby qoute - Is it better With or WithOut? basically decided more on was the fight really worth the efort when I had time to think about it Sometimes thou hubby hits me with things out of the blue & it's during the fight that i have to decide whether it's worth continuing, this latest cycle it's been really a matter of stop taking the bait as he's being arguementative because he's got to face up to some of his responsibilities or he's going to have to be without a car until sports car is fixed In the meantime I'm just ignoring his attempts to start a fight, I might start to take the bait but quickly realise whats about to happen refuse to argue by simply stating my opinion & then doing the 1 line broken record until he drops it
How do you sort out what's important to resolve, from what's not-so-important to resolve? at this point I'm just going by do I have what I need
this last cycle which we're stuck in I lost it & got started
he had a flat which if he had just done what he was suppose to do there wouldn't be a flat tire & i had a broken window because I was stuck in a substandard apartment which has been written up by 17 inspectors & the "property manager" slumlord was mad about that & had my car window broken out as retallation -
basically I was too stressed out to think clearly, so I was a bit over the top in not abiding by his wishes & just letting him have robin pay for the flat & then have him come to the house to get the sports car into the garage to get fixed, but I also knew that he'd be giving me a hard time about giving up the wagon until the next night if he decided to ignore robin's advice & complaining 'cause she just paid for the tire something which I can't trust him to do at this point she knows that once you get a few beers into him he's easy to mannipulate to her way of thinking
I've been making some dents in the cycle to de-escalate the situation but each day theres new issuses that are popping up
& he made the decision to bring up the last 2 escalations, the 1st I was caught quite by surprise & tried to quit fighting but he kept baiting me I had a hard time calming down because this was a major issue & I wanted it dealt with since he was the one who brought up the subject the 2nd escalation I realised what he was doing so I was better able to handle it & let him basically get mad & just deal with it
I'm trying to finish the step 1 so that I'll be better focused to know even better which battles that I want to fight & which ones I want to leave alone... This MLC is so difficult & very frustrating , because he's unwilling to work on the marriage & I do see where he doesn't want to let me totally go - he just doesn't want to be responsible right now & thats not acceptable either
"In healthy marriages, spouses have the same definition of what it means to be loving my answer would be false - but i'm thinking that hubby maybe thinking yes
From your point of view, why is this illusion wrong? how a person is rased will help determine whether they are loving outwardly - huggy people come from huggy families - while if there aren't hugs given but praises verbally given then a person is likely to be more needing to hear praises than giving of gifts to show love
How would YOU define "loving"? I feel loved in many ways, but I do think that I am 1st a feeling person & then hearing second - I'm still a bit confused reading the 5 love languages as to exactly what hubby's language is - my perspective of loving is being there for your spouse thru thick & thin, helping where ever & when ever possible, being willing to compromise, being willing to work things out, doing things together,
What would this mean to you? I feel loved when hubby shows "ownership" of me introducing me proudly to his bosses & friends, I feel loved when hubby gives me huggies, pats on the rump when he's on his way out the door hubby gave us pet names when we got married, & althou some think it's terrible we've always liked them - he calls the kids "the boy" & "the girl" & me "woman" - using the tone of voice that Homer Simpson has as we use to watch it together & son did seem to be into some sort of mischeif all the time hubby use to bring home little gifts, icecream, little trinkets when he ordered stuff online & take us out to the video store to pick up a bunch of movies as a family
What things has your partner done in the past that made you really feel loved?
How do you think your partner would define "loving"? In Dec 2002 he told me that he doesn't feel love for me - I asked him what does he think love is? & he gave the definiation that is the head over heels like when we 1st met & didn't want to be apart - apparently he's never had explained to him that the romantic passion type of thing is suppose to end from what he said he's looking for that kind of feeling again
These next 3 questions I'll have to come & answer later I've got to go bring daughtr to work & figure out what my mother in laws trying to figure out & why from the questions that she was asking me a few moments ago
What would it mean to them?
What things have you done in the past that you think made them feel really loved?
Things that have gotten positive responses from them?
Quote: I'm uncertain but I'm trying to figure out whats going on in his head as well as mine by reading & chatting with other DBers
I think it's great that your reading and chatting with other DB'ers. It really can help to see what other's have done in their situations, and get the support you need! DO take caution, though, about spending TOO much time "trying to figure out what going on in his head"! Heck, he probably doesn't even know himself! Instead, keep doing what you're doing now, put together a plan of action, and begin to experiment with some things, and then monitor the results. Find your "more of what works, and less of what doesn't work". Doing so will help take you farther, and faster!
Quote: I try to lead the family along the path which will benefit the family & hubby seems to undermine the plan maybe the key is to let him actually lead it's just that hubby's always been a follwer from what I can see as he's failed to lead the family which creates troubles that I've had to find a way to get us out of - quite frankly I'm tired of that behaivor & would love for him to really LEAD the FAMILY
Keep this in mind as you're working through these steps. Remember that relationships are like see-saws; the more that one person does, the less the other has to do. Discovering just how to change the balance of this can be tricky. Sometimes you have to do it in gentle nudges, other times it seems you have to yank the carpet out from underneath them! Either way, this could be a good place to look for some 180's to try.
Again, I think you're doing great work here!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I'm feeling like I'm floundering a bit & by going thru these steps I'm hoping to be able to Re-focus
I think that I got a bit too excited at how the year was starting to turn around & then screwed up by getting us into this cycle -
I lost it & started the cycle but he for some reason is continueing it by escalating things just as I'm starting to level off & calm down from the last escaltion - thats why I was trying to figure out what was in his mind - why would he intentionally escalate things when they were just starting to calm down?
I'm thankful for this board as it's a place that I can journal as well as ask for help -
I did start a yahoo group because I'd also like to be able to chat with ohters about DBing & prefer the Instant Feedback that can be gotten there or via the Instant Messenger Yahoo Group Divorce Remedy it has a voice chat room & if anyone wants to add me to their Instant Messengers or join the yahoo group I'd love to chat.
Quote: DO take caution, though, about spending TOO much time "trying to figure out what going on in his head"! Heck, he probably doesn't even know himself
I toally agree with that possibility as he's so contradictory that I don't know what to expect from him at this point - truely an Alien to me at this moment
Quote: Instead, keep doing what you're doing now, put together a plan of action, and begin to experiment with some things, and then monitor the results. Find your "more of what works, and less of what doesn't work". Doing so will help take you farther, and faster!
That's what I'm here trying to figure out & why I started the yahoo group as well as posting that I'd like to have some feedback on the Instant Messengers - I'm not quite sure what I'm doing & could use some suggestions as to what I should be trying, & to help me with the "Plan of Action"
Quote: Remember that relationships are like see-saws; the more that one person does, the less the other has to do. Discovering just how to change the balance of this can be tricky. Sometimes you have to do it in gentle nudges, other times it seems you have to yank the carpet out from underneath them! Either way, this could be a good place to look for some 180's to try.
Trying to figure out what I can do to set the see saw on a more even side - I'm unsure what to try as a 180, but focus is out of whack as there r so many things going on that have occurred due to his irresponsibility this past yr & 1/2 that now I'm in crisis mode trying to get out & be in at least a more stable sitch with the actual home front = looking for new place to stay & getting all packed up & getting son back out onto his own & getting my own life back like I was staring to get last summer
well got to go & get some more done on both the Db Step Questions & also Re-doing my 7 Habits work that I got distracted from earlier this month when this sitch started on it's crazy roller coaster twisting 7 speeding up
