Quote: How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?
I'm sure only about what I want and what I can make happen; and I don't want a D, and so far neither does my H. So we will have to build from there. We are friendly and don't fight, so I think we can become friends now. Only I can work on me . H still has OW, but I don't dwell on that part as she was part of what he was looking for to replace an emotional need.
Quote: How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?
Well, I was rely a lot on the past, but in the last 4 days I've decided to not do that; trying to open my mind as much as I can. Negative things? Bury those nasty things, starting fresh with a clean slate. The future is not ours to see.
Quote: How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
OK, I have been assuming to much lately and trying to figure out what my H is thinking. So let's change that. I have only been seing the negative in the way my H reacts to things. So I would say to me: work on building a friendship with H, look for the little steps and rejoice in them. Compliment H, show appreciation for things H does. Learn to forgive myself and H for his infidelity. Be patient. Listen and have compassion. I have stopped the nagging, and it's great, I feel like a better person. And it allows my H to grow.
Quote: If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?
It would be a new beginning, knowing that all M have their ups and downs, accepting them.Choose my battles wisely. Learn to know what it takes for my spouse to feel loved. Learn to give even though I may not understand or agree with it. Spend more time together. Forgive each other and not put the blame on either one of us apologise when I'm wrong, be generous and giving.
Quote: If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?
MLC, thinks he is getting old and me and the family are holding him back. 1) H taking things from property-this is a major problem as I think of it as negative-H moving on- positive-H is mowing down tall weeds and getting rid of the clutter. 2) H not paying bills- maybe he doesn't have enough money. 3) H not calling-doesn't want to bother me? 4) H not coming over very much-giving me space 5) H not wanting to spend time doing thing together-doesn't think we have a chance to fix our M?
Quote: What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?
How my H feels about me.
Quote: What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
A light shining, hope.
Quote: What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
My H and I forgiving each other and ourselves. Building a new life together, better and stronger. Being there for each other. Sharing our lives together. Being a family. Giving to each other what each of us needs. Being the best of friends.
Ok, that took a lot out of me, I need a nap now. Deb
Recently (a week ago) in my stitch I've had the heartache of finding out that there is already an OW. We've only been seperated since 6/03. Its been the roughest week of my life, however, I've decided to wipe the slate clean and start over.
In thinking about this and reading this thread it hit me. How many movies have we seen were the H and W get back together because the WAS saw all the changes for the better that the LBS made and wanted to be apart of that. Here I am wondering if there is anything I can do and if DBing really works and all I have to do is switch on the tv. They're DBing right infront of us.
I know thats Hollywood and fairytales...but don't they sometimes come true in real life? So these are my thoughts...how can I make that happen for me? Even if my H and I never get to reconcile at least I can say that cleaning out the cobwebs was worth it in the long run. I'll just be a better somebody for someone else.
I look forward to working out with you all in the 7 Aerboic Steps.
Here are my personal goals:
1. I will attend every class. (college classes) 2. I will walk at least 3 times weekly. 3. I will loose 40lbs by end of December 03. (already lost 20lbs) 4. I will enroll in Adult Oil/Acrylic Painting class. 5. I will set up a Personal Debt managment system. 6. Find my own place to live.
R goals:
1. H will contact me. 2. I will end conversation first. 3. I will not bring up OW nor be pulled into convo about OW. 4. I will be polite/friendly not short and hostile. 5. I will find something in every conversation to compliment H on.
I am really trying to Start With A Beginners Mind. I have a hard time because I continue to revert back to my old ways. I get very frustrated with myself and can see that my H is also frustrated. I'm sure he's thinking, I'll never change. An example, my dad died this last week My H and he were very close. I know that my H is hurting, he is feeling bad because he did not go to seee my dad in the hosp., so I try to comfort him by saying that he can make it up to my dad in other ways (meaning we can get back together) after saying that I knew that I should not have. But what he needed was for me to just llisten. I would liked to have hugged him, but I am afraid because he will think I'm chasing. I want to go back to when we just met. and start over, but how do you do that when you the history? I could see that my H was thinking, but what about? He said he feels guuilty by breaking up the families so was he just feeling more guilt, or was he thinking that maybe we could work things out? I don't dare ask. Julie
Quoting jme: I am really trying to Start With A Beginners Mind. I have a hard time because I continue to revert back to my old ways. I get very frustrated with myself and can see that my H is also frustrated. I'm sure he's thinking, I'll never change. An example, my dad died this last week My H and he were very close. I know that my H is hurting, he is feeling bad because he did not go to seee my dad in the hosp., so I try to comfort him by saying that he can make it up to my dad in other ways (meaning we can get back together) after saying that I knew that I should not have. But what he needed was for me to just llisten. I would liked to have hugged him, but I am afraid because he will think I'm chasing. I want to go back to when we just met. and start over, but how do you do that when you the history? I could see that my H was thinking, but what about? He said he feels guuilty by breaking up the families so was he just feeling more guilt, or was he thinking that maybe we could work things out? I don't dare ask. Julie
Hi Julie....I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It's tough. You're grieving, your H is grieving.....give yourself a break.
Just be gentle...with yourself and with your H. Don't try to force anything either way or suggest too much. Trust you will be in the right place at the right time. That you are so now.....that whatever space you have between you.....you can use for your own grieving and your own healing.
You need to be comforted, and you want to comfort him....that's just too tough right now. I am sorry you are going through that. Just take comfort in all the love you've had from your father, your H, all yoru family and friends...........that doesn't ever really go away. Look at all the love you have in your heart. Just remember all those things.
It's so good and kind of you to love him and want to care for him and his pain.
Just back way off from asking him. If he isn't in a space where he can respond the way you want him too, it might be way to painful for you, and doesn't really need to be descriptive of the future.
Give yourself time. and gentleness. and kindness.....you deserve it.
Let us help you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hello to John and everyone, I am a newbie on this board, commited to changing myself and renewing my marriage. My husband has moved out. I believe there is hope because he still loves me deeply and I feel the same. It may be a case of MLC as he is 51 and just lost his job, parents are ailing, sexual problems, and he has been stuck with me, a very difficult wife who has been going through her own MLC for a long time. Anyway, even if it's not MLC, even if he is just fed up with me and wants to find happiness without me, which is what he says, I still believe him when he says he loves me and I will hang in there until he files for divorce. So, with that, I am ready to begin step one. Here's my responses.
"How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?"
I can vividly see my H and I reuniting in a more loving, more passionate, more committed relationship. I am SURE that we will establish a new relationship and continue our marriage.
"How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?"
Yes, I know that I wallow in the past and have had a pessimistic viewpoint on the future because of that. With God's help, I am learning to trust myself again. And I have an appointment with a therapist next week to work on personal growth.
"How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?"
I would see a man who struggled for months, years, to figure out how to make me happy and who finally decided that he had had enough and was going to make himself happy for once. So, even though he still loved me, he decided that separation was the best solution. I would see a woman who had made herself emotionally and financially dependent out of fear and low self esteem.
"What would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?! "
I would say to myself to back off, give your H space and time, to detach from the situation and allow yourself to grow as a person, to become more independent and above all to find out how to be a happier person by yourself. I would also advise myself to continue attending your new church, and allow God to work his miracles in your life.
"If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?"
I could be such a happy person, successful in my career, with a wonderful family and a romantic committed relationship with my husband. I would feel safe and loved. My life would have balance, between work and love. I would be able to enjoy the normal things in life, like social relationships, without fear of not "being good enough."
"If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?"
My H has his own journey and I may not be a part of it right now. He has to find his own way. He is trying to figure out what he needs and wants for the rest of his life. An extremely important process!
"What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?"
I need to understand why he needed to make his job his total focus and how I contributed to my own unhappiness in that situation.
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
??????
"What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?"
My H and I would be passionately committed to each other. We would enjoy each other's company and look forward to spending time together, no matter what the activity. We would have long, involved conversations, sharing our most private thoughts. We would have friends that we both enjoyed and an active social life. I would be involved in my job, and my art, and feel a sense of satisfaction and independence from my H. I would choose to be married to him and spend the rest of my life with him.
"If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?"
I would understand that my H's love is not to be taken for granted. I would show him my feelings for him are deeply held, offering affection, being generous with myself. I would be supportive, give encouragement to him, let him know that I am proud of him. I would let him see the part of me that is loving, cheerful, passionate, creative, and confident because I am all those things!
Wow, you are off to a GREAT start here!! It looks like you really put a LOT of thought into doing what it takes to make your first steps towards positive changes!
It looks like you've got a good grasp on a lot of realities, and have some great visions of where you want to be. Keep all these thoughts you have here in mind as you're working through the rest of the steps, and I'm sure that you'll make some fantastic strides in your marriage!!
Great job!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
"A good grasp on realities" I don't think so, JJ. My H told me he is no longer sexually attracted to me. So, back up to question #1 -- I have no idea what will happen. I am very pessimistic that he will love me again. He seems determined to detach from me. So, back to the drawing board. If there even is a drawing board anymore.
How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?
I’m not sure at all! One minute I think that there is hope and I am sure that this will end with him moving home and life returning to normal. The next minute I am convinced that I can never change, he won’t ever change and its time to let go.
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?
All too often. Since the past seems to keep repeating itself, I rely on it to predict the future almost every day.
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
Probably the exact same way my friends and family see it. That H is unmotivated and has too many problems from his childhood that he is unwilling to deal with. That I am acting like a doormat and allowing him to walk all over me and that I need to get some chutzpah and tell him to beat it.
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!
I would tell myself to keep trying, and that it isn’t over until it’s over. I would focus on the fact that H has never said he wants out of this R and continue to lovingly detach.
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?
The future would look so bright! Without the past, I would not know how easily H was able to deceive me. I would then trust him, and myself so much more.
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?
Well I know that everything he is doing is not meant to hurt me. The problem is, I feel that he doesn’t seem to notice that it does hurt me. I would see his behavior as self-serving and irresponsible, exactly what I view it as now.
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?
The biggest area would be infidelity. Before DB/DR I thought that every affair signified the end of the relationship. Which is why I asked H to leave. If had taken off the blinders six months ago, things may have turned out quite differently.
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
H telling me “things are blah”. A big dot that I never considered significant and is now the focus point of everything.
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
They could be great. We could be happily married and raising our son in a loving environment. We would be each other’s best friends, and there would be no space for another woman.
If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?
If we were starting with a clean slate, I wouldn’t be so critical. I would be trying to impress him, and he would be doing the same for me. I would accept him for who he is and not for who he may become. He would do the same for himself.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
