Can't they chill and let me be free?

[Sugar and Spice]

Happy Halloween Corey!!
kat

Thanks Kat. It would have been, but of course...DAFT had to be a total douchebag and screw it up.

He took the day off so he could go to DD Halloween parade at school and then go and get estimates on his car. He calls me at about 3:45 from the cardroom and tells me that he wants to come Trick or Treating with us and wants to know what time we are going to leave. So I let him know that we would be leaving about 6:30 and he tells me he will be here. So 6:30 rolls around and hes a no show...I call him and he says that he will just come and find us. So an hour or so later I call him again to see if hes left yet...nope, but hes going to. So another hour goes by and I call him again and he wants to know how much longer she is going to be out. So I tell him that she is almost done and that by the time he gets here she will be done. He had also said he was going to take DS to a movie while we trick or treated...he told my son this too. As of this post at 9:17 my time, he still sits at the cardroom too busy gambling to come and spend 2 F&*#in' hours with his kids. So I sent him a "truth dart text"

"I know it probably doesn't matter, but if choosing gambling over your kids doesn't indicate you need help, I don't know what does. Please tell me you didn't tell DS about the move..." No reply. An hour later I sent "If you happen to ever find that guy I married and had kids with, tell him I miss him." Stupid, but I'm mad. Thank God I didn't tell DD that he planned on coming with us, but she asked when it was over..."Why didn't Daddy come over and see me trick or treat?" It tears my F&#$ing heart out that she puts up with his total lack of interest and abandonment of her and still wants him. He called them from the bathroom of the cardroom and said goodnight, but didn't talk to me. So I called him back and just asked him if he was proud of his actions. I asked him if he planned on doing a better job by the Trolls kid and if she was fool enough to believe that it would be any different. It didn't do much good, but it made me feel better to make him feel guilty for being a total dick and waste of oxygen.

I'm more sad than anything. All this does is reinforce my ambivalence about whether or not I even want to bother trying to put this back together.

So now hes managed to ruin 2 Halloweens in a row...niiiice. ASS!!!! (sorry to the mods)

[lost_in_space]

((((Corey))))

You were there for you k's as usual. I think you did well to only say what you did.

The dart - I liked that!

You cannot help those that do not want help themselves. I know you know that, but keep reminding youself of that. All you can do is keep doing what you are.

Take care

[karen43]

I guess that's why they say around here no expectations, b/c the WAS continually seem to fail us and the kids.

I don't understand how a grown person could choose gambling or OW or whatever over their kids and such an important day. I think that was wonderful that you did the truth dart! I've realized that I've always tried to smooth over everything when H does stuff like that and now I see my D8 is doing that too with her dad. I resolve to do no smoothing and try to shoot some truth darts as you did. ((((Corey)))) Even if they don't work with your H, your kids see that and then don't kind of fall into the whole co-dependent enabling kind of behavior that some of us do. Karen

[kat727]

Corey, I am sorry that he let your kids down, but I hope you didn't let your disappointment ruin the night for you and the kids. Shut the light off hon. I don't know what else to tell you to do. He is a possessed alien and isn't going to understand until you let him feel the result of Corey not being his beckon call girl.

Maybe the troll will get it too when she is sitting there with the blob of a troll, and he is out gaming. There will be heck to pay soon enough.

kat

[GoingForward]

Halloween was only ruined if you allowed him to ruin it. I understand you're upset and venting, but you've also got to see the role you are playing in all of this. It's a two-way street, so it's not just your H who is at fault here.

I know he said he was going to be there, but even still, if you would act as if with NO expectations, then you wouldn't be going through this emotional hurricane and you would be less likely to react when he doesn't follow through.

As hard as it is, you've got to control how you react. Making him feel guilty might make you feel better, but how is it working for the R? From where I sit, it doesn't seem to be moving you towards PROGRESS, and shouldn't that be your goal?

Sorry for the 2x4, but sometimes we really need them.

You know the problem, and it's your job - not H's - to find the SOLUTION to reach a happier, healthier you.

(((Corey)))

[Sugar and Spice]

It's a two-way street, so it's not just your H who is at fault here.
I know he said he was going to be there, but even still, if you would act as if with NO expectations, then you wouldn't be going through this emotional hurricane and you would be less likely to react when he doesn't follow through.

I gotta disagree with you here. This was not a two-way street. I did not expect him to do anything. Expectation was created when he expressly told me and my S more than once that HE was going to do something. We did not seek him out nor did we invite him, he is solely to blame for this, not me.

As hard as it is, you've got to control how you react. Making him feel guilty might make you feel better, but how is it working for the R? From where I sit, it doesn't seem to be moving you towards PROGRESS, and shouldn't that be your goal?

I really don't care about the R today. I see clearly what it is that he values and where he places his priorities. That is fine. Its high time SOMEONE told this moron the truth. I'm tired of trying to act "as if" or whatever so he doesn't have to face that he is being a total POS. If he was only hurting me, it would be one thing, because this is the course of action that I chose, but when it comes to the kids, for me that is something entirely different. I'm not going to let him escape unscathed after DELIBERATELY hurting my kids, not going to happen. If that pushes him further away...so be it. I just don't care.

I think that was wonderful that you did the truth dart! I've realized that I've always tried to smooth over everything when H does stuff like that and now I see my D8 is doing that too with her dad. I resolve to do no smoothing and try to shoot some truth darts as you did. ((((Corey)))) Even if they don't work with your H, your kids see that and then don't kind of fall into the whole co-dependent enabling kind of behavior that some of us do.

Wonderful or not, it has to be said. I'm so sick and tired of making excuses and trying to overlook his BS. He knows he has a problem and does little to nothing to solve it and I have done what I could and tried to be supportive but he is a grown man, its time for him to act like one.

FWIW...We enjoyed Halloween, but it was a hollow joy and DD talked to the C about it today. I would never spoil their time because he is incapable of thinking about anyone but himself. I just don't have it in me to continue to lie to myself about him anymore....

[GoingForward]

We can agree to disagree . IMHO, this does go both ways.

You said this:

I did not expect him to do anything.

....then this immediately after:

Expectation was created when he expressly told me and my S more than once that HE was going to do something.

The expectation WAS there for H to show up. Understandable.

We did not seek him out nor did we invite him, he is solely to blame for this, not me.

I did not say you sought him out nor did I think it. However, you did continue to call him. I guess what I want to ask is why didn't you let it go then? He was at the card room. Remember - my H was big on gambling, too. So I KNOW when he would tell me, "I'll be there in an hour", it wasn't likely to happen. He was either going to show up on time or not.

Yes, your H does need to be made aware of the consequences of his actions, but really - how do the guilt trips make it any better? How does it bring you two closer together? It doesn't.

He chose gambling over time with the kids - he IS solely to blame for that, but you are responsible for the part that you play. The jabs that follow because you are upset and disappointed with his poor choices.

If H says he's going to do XYZ, say 'ok', and if for whatever reason he doesn't follow through, leave it be. Show him through your ACTIONS - NOT WORDS - that it's unacceptable. That is the only way he is going to get the picture, and I really don't think he's going to get it if he's told his actions are wrong, sarcastically or not. He needs to SEE what the true consequences of his actions are.

[MrsJJJ]

<<I don't understand how a grown person could choose gambling or OW or whatever over their kids and such an important day.>>

You are not alone. My husband, my whole world, my prince charming, devasted me on August 4th by abandoning me, his house, his step-kids, etc with no warning whatsoever. I never saw this coming. Our 7th wedding anniversary is Monday. I never in a million years thought I would be spending it alone. Since joining this group, I've learned his patterns described are that of Mid-Life-Crisis.
Following all the recommended steps such as leaving him alone, makes this even harder on Monday. No, I won't acknowledge it...although I want to but as you said.....how a grown man can forget such an important day.
Regardless what he is going through....He knows, I have remained committed to him, care for "his" house, sleep alone...while "my' husband has sex with someone else; work overtime to pay the bills his income paid; etc........and I am certain...I won't be 'worthy' of at least a phone call.
He knows Nov 3rd has been my favorite day since marrying him...and regardless of what he has done....I have no interest in anybody else.
I HAVE BEEN A TRUE, LOVING, AND DEVOTED WIFE as I promised. At least acknowledge that.

[Maya44]

Something's in the air for sure because my H did a similar thing Corey. He changed plans with us to go drinking with a few guys at a club! I too am fumed!

[Sugar and Spice]

We can agree to disagree

Done

He needs to SEE what the true consequences of his actions are.

Unfortunately what he will SEE is still a while off, but it builds everyday. The consequences of his actions are two kids that don't want to have anything to do with him because he hurts them at every turn. Its like a dog that has been kicked repeatedly...eventually they just stop coming when you call them. That will be the consequence, but the he will not be the only loser and that is the hardest part for me to deal with. I know I can't control it, but it just hurts my heart to see him disappoint them and lie to them over and over and see the build up and the let down. It gets harder everytime.

I HAVE BEEN A TRUE, LOVING, AND DEVOTED WIFE as I promised. At least acknowledge that.

Mrs J3 sometimes this is the hardest thing for them to get. It would be so much easier if we would just "move on" so they would be able to justify their actions and feel better about themselves.

My H is an addict. He knows this and yet he CHOOSES not to get help for it. This addiction has cost him his marriage, his kids, his self respect, his health as well as untold thousands in cash...and yet he CHOOSES to continue. I forget that this is not the man I nmarried. I forget that this alien is incapable of making a promise that he can keep. GF is right, part of it is my fault because there is a part of me that still WANTS to believe his BS, but in my heart I know better, I just lie to myself once again and it only serves to hurt me.