It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[TxMomw/2girls]

Ok second thread.. first one locked..

hear are my updates from the weekend...

I was in Orlando Friday thru Sunday evening for business. Had a great weekend.. went out Friday night after our sales awards party and we went to a nightclub and danced and drank ... didn't get to bed until 3am ... haven't danced like that in forever.. flirted with couple of my work colleagues all in fun.... everyone telling me how great I looked helped the ego...

So updates on H: He had our girls all weekend at our house. They did lots of neighborhood stuff.

Friday am he came to house 6:30am - he went up and got our baby and just walked right in the master bathroom and he said:

"Wow you look great, really pretty"
" I like your dress" ( i had a new dress on)
Me: I said thanks for the compliment
H: " Then he says you actually look Hot... really HOT" and kept going on

I said if you keep saying that and I didn't have to catch a flight I'd throw you on the bed and get it on.. we both laughed.. ( I know not good DBing )

I left and he called me twice on the way to airport.. talking about our little baby.. saying "who does she look like" and just chatting... he isn't usually that chatty at 7am in the morning.

I made sure he knew I was out late and I didn't call him Friday night like I said I would... these are 180's for me..

But got home last night - he was normal and hung out for 40mins or so but I did get in some R talks NOT OW talk just ... I had a convo with a guy I worked with who went through divorce when his girls were little and it just got me thinking... I know I'd be able to move past the affair.. what I'm struggling with now and would struggle with is the HOW - how could my H leave us and kids without trying everything to save the marriage first? the Abandonment issue... not sure he can ever explain this too me...

So I brought that up before he left... he seems so done and clear headed that at times I really don't think he is in the fog... I asked him... what happens if his feelings change in a year or five years? I said you know without a doubt, no looking back, you've made the right decision? He didn't answer anything actually... He just said who knows what is going to happen...

I feel a little more detached now and not caring so much about his every move or if he'll call or not.. just don't care this week so I feel good about this. I did find out I won a trip through work to Hawaii next year and my H and I knew we were going on this and now I will have to take a friend... little reminders how sad and lonely this road will be but I probably will just rub it in his face little.

H tonight said he was coming over for Halloween... I didn't say he couldn't b/c I know it is the best for my D. So hard because I want him to feel how it really will be at the same time.. ...

ST I made it.... great words of advice.. love the statement we need to stop our need to control... I have come so far in just two months with this.. leaps and bounds... control today and live for today... makes all this really seem so much easier than the fears and worries of tomorrow or next week or next month.. thanks so much for wise words...

I feel at peace today and feel like I've put in God's hands ... keeping the faith God will take care of me, my girls, and my H in due time...

[imLIN]

My H fluctuated between he was absolutely sure he could never live with me again...to who knows what will happen in 1, 2, 5, 10 years!...each time it got longer which really diminished my hope that we would recover...but as you can see we have and this is just another reason you really can't go by anything they say...and while they are in the middle of the crisis you can't even really go by what they do...my H gave every indication that he was done...never complimented me...never called me...didn't miss me...didn't ask how I was doing or show other signs of concern...so see...there really is no indicater except the one I came up with..."As long as neither of us are remarried there is always a chance"...and that is where I finally left things...

It is a long road...you are JUST beginning...you really need to just focus on you and the kids and not really even look for signs of hope with H...if this is MLC it will be a long time before you really will even want to look his way...his thinking will probably get screwier before it straightens out...

Lin

[TxMomw/2girls]

imLIN,

Thanks for filling me in on how your H was at times.. I guess anything is really possible... just don't know by the time he realizes it if I will have any love left for him... but one day at a time right.

It is difficult... today I just feel so empty and angry toward him... or is it really so disappointed that it is hard for me to have compassion... I can't believe the man he is and has turned into... I can't hardly even look at him... As I said in my earlier post... I can move past the affair it's the fact that he just up and left and abandoned us.

He came over this morning to take my D to school and it must be nice to walk in, not showing up early to help out with anything (her lunch, getting her dressed, breakfast OH and mind you we have a 6 month old) so I was short and snippy with him has he took his work printer.. I told him I want all his stuff out of this house... I don't want to look at him right now.. of course I should be thankful that he offered to take and pick up my D... count the few efforts he makes right..

He is going to be here for Halloween so I'll have to get rid of my pissy attitude by then and just play nice and drink a lot - HA!! :-) kidding..

I will say I do feel that I have better days now and I am just getting use to doing it all myself with my two babies so my resentment is not high anymore (except today) but it will past in a few hours I'm sure...

pushing through...

[TxMomw/2girls]

Well my H is over now and is going to do Halloween with us and the kids but has told me he needs to leave by 9pm or so ... he has a party to go to with OW. UGH!!!!

We just went over our schedule through rest of year.. we decided that we'd share most weekends and one of us would have one night and all day with the kids instead of the whole weekend.. is this the right decision? I don't think I'm ready for my girls to be away from me the whole weekend yet. But I feel I'm still enabling him to cake eat and have it easy??? thoughts

On this note he is getting his furnished apartment tomorrow (1 bedroom) he thinks with our 6 month old it might be easier if he still stays at the house (he is still helping pay for) with the kids and I suggested that I would stay at the apartment or friends when he has his nights with the kids... I know this will help me during this transition not being away from them and them not being in a strange small place... am I still allowing him to have it the easy way out???

for all of you with little kids or some of the vets... how would you handle? I hate the thought of him taking them the whole weekend and the OW could start showing up etc ... but I feel he needs to at some point start living like a Divorced person since this is what he wants... get a taste of it...

Also, Holiday's he wants to spend with us and the kids... Christmas I'm ok with but not sure Thanksgiving... am I making this too easy on him??

I get the tough love from some of you and then I get the ... more time he is with us he is not with OW???

thoughts and suggestions welcomed...

[Babygirl]

hmmmmmmmm have to think, in the meantime, BREATHE thats the great advice i have gotten, and PRAY nite now!

[Little Engine]

TxMom--Hope the family time for Halloween was good. Take it one day at a time. Bg has some good advice. You weren't sure a week ago you wanted H there for Halloween, so don't make up your mind about Thanksgiving or Christmas until the time comes. You'll change your mind a hundred times and won't know if you made the right decision. Don't waste that energy.

Which is better for you, H comes to the house to be with the kids and OW shows up there or H takes kids to the apartment and OW is there? Two little kids, H, OW in 1 bedroom apartment over the weekend, that sounds like a comedy to me. There is a taste of life as a D'd person for him. I know you have to look out for the welfare of your girls first, but are they any less safe with him at the aparment than at your house? There is a difference between safe and comfortable. My kids can fall asleep in the weirdest places, so evaluate what is going to be the decision you can most live with? If you do D, where is H going to live? Are you going to let him have the house every other weekend if you are D'd? Set your boundaries and let H know what you are willing to accept. Will H respect you if you show him you respect his decision to live his own life in his one bedroom apt? If the health and safety for your girls isn't in question, then why should you be inconvenienced if this is the path H has chosen for his life?

LE

[Amy M]

Okay...so I'm not sure where I read about the sharing the apt. idea earlier today. But, that's what I wanted to comment on earlier. I had a therapist last year who said that he and his XW tried that arrangement after their D and that it was a disaster. So, I don't recommend that at all. I say let him have his space. He can take the girls there...they'll be fine...if he's a good dad, they'll be fine. I don't think you want to know how he lives, and being at his apt. when he's not there is not a good idea. Staying with friends while he's a the house is also going to get old.

My boys (my youngest is 3 and 1/2) do fine at Dad's place...that's what they call it (this is home, that's Dad's place). It was a little inconvenient at first for H, but he worked it out. He got a 2nd tv and a couch after their 2nd weekend there. Now he has a few toys over there and a few articles of clothing.

Your H has to see what it's going to be like. You little one won't be concerned about where she is, and your older one might see it as an adventure. I agree that 1 night at a time is a good place to start until the girls are comfortable, but after a little while, I'd say, give him the whole weekend. That's the only good thing about my separation...I have every other weekend completely free to do what I want to do!

But, before you take any advice...pray, pray, pray!!! You can't go wrong if you can be still and listen to God!

Love to you!
Amy

[PositivelyMommy]

{{{TxMom}}} you got some really good advice on sleeping arrangements. Stuff that I hadn't thought about as my H hasn't asked to spend the night with kids or take them for a whole weekend.

But yeah, why should you leave your own house for goodness sakes? He made a decision to leave your home and marriage to start this thing with a 25 y.o. If he wants to leave then he should stay in a one-bedroom. If he doesn't like it then tough, grow up and take the lumps.

Don't let him push you around right off the bat. You might think you are 'helping' him or 'taking care of him', that's how I used to feel, but you are only setting up bad habits for future. What about later on down the road, (if you don't get back together and are D'd) and you wanted some company for the night? Sorry to be so blunt but c'mon girl, don't give in without a fight. As for holidays, take them, take them all. Have him around ALL the time if you can. The more he's around you, the more pis*ed off OW will be and the more her true colors will show. And when she starts whinging then your H will start waking up. Meanwhile, your kids get special memories with their dad. You can do whatever you like, you don't even have to lift a finger, sweetie. This part of the script is already written. Good luck.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Great advice..... I know I need to make him take the girls... he doesn't want to b/c of our 6 month old and I don't want him to b/c the hardest part with all of this, separation or D, is the fact that he is taking my babies away from me... I don't want a whole weekend to myself unless I'm out of town. I work, travel for my job and I'm away from my kids enough but I know reality is if we do get D I'm going to have to get use to it... SUCKS!!!!!! ... my H wouldn't bring OW around if he was at our house but I can't say what he'd do when he is at his apt...

Funny LE - I hadn't thought of all of them crammed into a 1 bedroom... pretty funny thought !!!... Of course I will die the first time he brings OW around.. I don't want a 25yr touching my babies...

OH and by the way... my H will probably never stay at his apt by himself... he left our home and has been living with OW for last 5 weeks and just now is getting around to getting his apt... he'll only be there when he has the kids... but it does make him have to buy diapers, formula, wipes, food, dishes etc... so the kids can be comfortable. And as long as I let him stay here he doesn't have to start living like a separated person..

I also get concerned with my almost 4yr old sleeping in dad's bed every other weekend, and my baby in a pack in play all in one room... I don't need my 4 yr old to start expecting that she'll sleep with us all the time... or "at dads house he lets me" and it's all fun.. at the beginning it will be fine but not forever. He signed a 6 month lease and I guess he'll get a two bedroom at some point.

So to everyone's point I will start with one night and full day for a month or so and he'll watch at his place... once I get comfortable with this we'll move to every other weekend....

Last night was great in the neighborhood but I broke down when he left.... I thought I had it all together this week and I know he had a good time but he also gets to cake eat... right now I don't know if I can pull this off for Thanksgiving... but to LE point I'll wait and decide the week prior. He is truely living two lives b/c his OW is 25 so she has no kids, lives in small apt, and my H doens't have to think about us or be accountable... if she had kids I think it would be so different for us he'd have to be in family mode all the time b/c his OW would be... it is what it is but makes it easier to cake eat... boy what a great life.. he gets his kids for Halloween and then goes to his lovers to a young single Halloween house party afterwards... who wouldn't love that... what a dream!!!

but I wouldn't trade waking up with my girls any day of the week..

any other takes on this subject appreciated... thanks everyone.

[PositivelyMommy]

{{{TxMom}}}, if H wants to party with the singles and give up waking up with the girls, then that's what he wants to do, sweetie. Not EVERYONE wants that, I don't and I am sure some other family men out there wouldn't either. Remember our WAS are having some major issues.

To address your OW's concerns. This chickee is 25 y.o. You think she wants to settle down and be a Mom? To someone else's kids? REALLY? No way. This chickee is in it for fun. She doesn't want to be bogged down with the day to day responsibilities of children. I love mine but they are hard work. So if and when she meets your kids and sees your H with your kids, reality is going to hit her like a 2 x 4. She may or may not stick around. Can't go partying with the kiddies in tow! It's going to get old very soon. It will take a very special person to love someone's kids. And if she is a very special lady, then great, your kids will be loved whereever they go. My bet is that she is a typical 20 something, very self-centred and doesn't do volunteer work and build communities. What do you reckon?
I think she will run the other way when the dirty diapers arrive.

Also, don't worry about the sleeping arrangments. Just explain to the kids simply and set firm rules about your house. Make it like it's the house rules and you have no control over house rules. (As in, 'I would love for you to sleep with me, but that is the house rule. Sorry, darling.' They will tire of arguing with you and accept it.

TxMom, don't think he is having such a good time leading two lives. He is not. He is probably eating himself up with guilt. This is going to show in his face around you and around OW. So don't let the subject of 'What a great life he's leading' influence your DB'ing. Trust it baby, leading a double life is HARD WORK. He is fighting with his conscience and at the same time trying to find pleasure. Sorry, can't have both unless he is totally cold-hearted. And I don't think he is that because he is still spending time with kids and is trying to be a dad.

So in summary, DB your butt off, have in your mindset that he is feeling miserable (and he probably is). Let the chickee deal with dirty diapers if the time comes but don't worry about it now. Don't take on added stress before you have to, OK?