Good for you, BND. And I am glad you have such an understanding boss.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
BND, I'm glad to see that things have finally settled down for you. You have a rough couple of years and it appears that your h is within the "settling down" period. In a way, it's good that he's going on travel for a couple of weeks. The reason that I say this is that it will give him something to look forward to upon his return. You, on the other hand, need a little break just to relax and plan something extra special for his return.
I'm glad your supervisor is easy to work for. That's important.
Take care and enjoy the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know it is getting harder for him to take these trips, he doesn't enjoy them anymore and sends loads of texts when he is away telling me how much he misses "home" and me and the kids.
Sometimes it is very strange, because I find myself somewhere between "normalcy" and "MLCBS".
There are times when things are absolutely perfect at home and it seems as though nothing ever happened. That we are the happy family.
At other times, when he gets into a "mood", like if work is stressing him out, or the kids have done something to make a huge mess or noise, I see glimpses of the MLC'er peeking through.
I like having a partner to help me with the home and the family. I like having someone to talk to that is over the age of 7. I like having someone to run errands with me. I like having the whole family around the dinner table.
But I also like my space, and my "me" time.
I had never been alone before MLC hit. I met my Husband when I was 18 and we had kids right way. And as you know, we kept on having children and I was always in my Mommy mode.
I do feel selfish at times because my Husband wants so much of my time. I feel as though he is trying so hard to make up for lost time, while I adapted to being alone and became OK with it. I stopped feeling as though I had to have him around to be happy, and learned to make myself happy, by myself.
No, I am not having a MLC of my own, I guess in some ways I am still trying to find a balance of sorts. Working has been good for me, it helps not only financially, but gives me a sense of feeling that I am being creative and I am doing something for myself.
I know I am just rambling now, but sometimes when I read the threads here, I want so much to tell so many of the LBS that there is so much more to life then our WAS.
That if we could just get it into our heads that this horrible experience can also be an opportunity for ourselves to grow and make changes and do things that make us happy.
That life doesn't mean to just exist, and count babysteps and wait by the phone to hear "their" voice.
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite either. I did the desperate wife thing, I refused to detach, I waited around like a lost puppy dog on so many occasions, just to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I snooped, I cried, I lost too much weight and I watched life pass me by.
I wish I had spent more time fixing "me" not the Marriage.
Anyways, I am off to the store, we need groceries....again. I swear my kids graze all day!!
(((((huge hugs))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BND, I am glad you have achieved what you perceive as 'normal'. I'm also glad that you continue to be honest and tell others (particularly newbies) how they have to 'save themselves' in this process.
Like you it took me far to long to realise that but now that I am starting to do it life is getting easier. It will get harder for a while once I have had to borrow the huge amount of money that I need to buy H out of the house but I know that even that will sort itself out one way or the other.
My M will not be saved. I've accepted that now. But I am determined to save me.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite either. I did the desperate wife thing, I refused to detach, I waited around like a lost puppy dog on so many occasions, just to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I snooped, I cried, I lost too much weight and I watched life pass me by.
I wish I had spent more time fixing "me" not the Marriage. So what's the trick? Surely you were on the board as others were telling you: "work on yourself!" Surely you heard the messages and you maybe even thought you were working on yourself. But you didn't really work on yourself until later. So what was the tipping point? How do you break on through to the other side? What's the trick?
I'm with SirPrize...I wanna know the secret! Spill it, please!
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
So what's the trick? Surely you were on the board as others were telling you: "work on yourself!" Surely you heard the messages and you maybe even thought you were working on yourself. But you didn't really work on yourself until later. So what was the tipping point? How do you break on through to the other side? What's the trick?
You are so funny...the trick?
I think it had alot to do with me and making a choice to live my life and not just exist.
I think the changes we make have to be real and one can only fake it for so long. I knew that as much as I tried to change, it wasn't really happening because inside, I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
I desperately wanted to save my Marriage at any cost and basically faked alot of it in the begining. I kept hoping that if my Husband could see the new me, then he would change his mind and come home.
I see the same thing from other posters also. They totally regress or backslide when something happens and all of the work they have supposedly been doing on themselves dissapears after one major spew session.
After playing games for so long, and seeing that nothing was working, I "got real" with God.
I saw myself in the mirror and saw all of the ugliness and the anger and the bitterness.
These were my issues, things that had nothing to do with my Husband, but did help cause the demise of my Marriage.
My Husband had a MLC and it was absolutely awful. I know that there are tons of threads about it, but basically he snapped when his Dad passed away. To me, it seemed as though he changed overnight.
I heard every single one of the typical MLCBS lines. I think he actually wrote the script! BUT...I also learned from many of the wise posters here, that there was some truth to his words. I had neglected him and paid more attention to the children. I had made myself more available to my friends then my Husband. I did not make him feel loved as much as I should have.
When he moved out of the family home I finally had the space I needed to actually work on my own issues. I also had an amazing therapist and did EMDR therapy.
I personally could not have survived his crisis had he stayed in the home, even though I thought I could at the time. I was devastated when he moved 3000 miles away and I was finally all alone with the kids, the bills and the house.
I was a late bloomer. It took me about 18 months from the bomb to truly learn how to detach. It was so hard for me. As I posted before, I made my Husband my reason for living and lost total perpective of who I was. I lost all control and had a complete breakdown.
I wanted to be happy again, I was so tired of watching life pass me by and so I made the decision to take one day at a time. Baby steps, for me, not the Marriage.
I also knew that my Husband may never come back again because so much damage had been done to our family and because he lived so far away, his pride may keep him away.
I had to become the person I was meant to be, the Woman God designed me to be. That meant going back to the begining and not trying to please anyone but God and myself.
My Husband and I began to talk more, although it was on the phone. He noticed the difference in me, just by my attitude and the tone of my voice.
He was gone for 2 1/2 years, and I only saw him for a total of 12 days during that time. I tell you this because so many LBS believe that if they do not see their WAS regularly or talk to them often, that things can't change in their Marriage.
It is true, NOT every single Marriage will be saved, but you will definately save yourself and become a better "you" IF the changes you make are real and are doing them for the "right" reasons.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
