Mostly the process I went through was coming to the conclusion that my STBXW was a terrible wife. She did not treat me with respect and I have witnessed other happy marriages where the wife does not take advantage of their good husband. Over the years she became more and more selfish and lazy and angry towards me. I gave her plenty of opportunity to turn it around and realized that life is too short to let someone be a drag on your ship through the sea of life. I had to cut her loose - it is up to her own responsibility to decide if she will sink to the bottom below the whale sh!t if the buyout cash dries up.
Over the years she became more and more selfish and lazy and angry towards me. I gave her plenty of opportunity to turn it around and realized that life is too short to let someone be a drag on your ship through the sea of life.
I read that and could hear spouse saying something like that about me. And yes.. guilt or feeling guilty is my middle name which I am diligently working on changing.
When I let go of blaming, justifying the 'why', agonizing over past actions.. stopped those thoughts that turned my mind into mush and my heart thudding with angst.. something changed.
Dramatically.
I forgave him. I was given the gift of forgiveness. I still can get hootin' hollerin' annoyed at the man but I always stop and say (while waving my hands).. Hey hey hey.. He's forgiven! (just to make sure I don't pick that rope up again).
Give yourself plenty of sunshine thoughts.. they're so much better for you that mucky yucks.
Gypsy - I suppose I have forgiven her somewhat - I was willing to try and reconcile even after what she had done. I forgive her because it is in her nature to be weak person that cant commit to a lifetime marriage.
I try to be friendly with her when we talk, but I will not consider her to be a friend anymore. Friends dont do what she has done to me and the kids family dreams. There is a vast desert between forgiving someone and being a friend.
If we did not have to coparent the kids, I would never talk with her again. I would feel ok with forgetting her. I dont want to think about the past too much.
I often wonder how I can continue to be a friend to someone that has done the things she has. W keeps saying that we need to remain friends for D7's sake. Maybe her idea of friendship is a little different than mine. As far as forgiveness goes....maybe I need to find a dictionary but I do tend to hold a grudge (in general).....don't think I will ever totally forgive my W.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our W's when we marry them is our friendship. IMO, those marriages that are based on trust and friendship can last forever. When I speak with couples in my practice...that have been married longer than 30, 40 or 50 years...their key to success is a lot less complicated than one would think. It appears..at least to me..that the main ingredient to their longterm togetherness is................................................................
...mutual respect and a sense of humor.
There is nothing written anywhere that says we that we owe our WAW's our friendship, especially if one was treated with deceit and disrespect. It behooves us though, to develop a peaceful R in order to co-parent with them. Our children deserve that.
In support of KerryK, if it weren't for my kids, I would have 'kicked my W out' a long time ago. There is a line to be drawn here between DB'ing and being treated like, well, "lower than whale $hit at the bottom of the ocean".
Uh...JMO. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
To John...I agree above...let go of the grudge and move forward. If you read Gray's book, one of the keys to growing, grieving the loss of your S and moving on...is forgiving them. Next...is to forgive yourself.....
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I wish I was at that spot w/ my XW. I'm just not yet and I really need to be there...and soon.
If you look at my sitch, you can see that the past day has been ugly w/ us. She is still mean and evil to me, but I'm still affected.
As John said:
Quote:
I often wonder how I can continue to be a friend to someone that has done the things she has
I feel the same way. I'm not sure why I can even do this, but I'm going to keep watching and learning.
I may be holding out for being civil, but I feel like I'm running uphill all day long. It would be nice if things were civil like yours is w/ your STBX, Kerry.
There is a quote that goes "Love can come from a friendship, friendship cant come after love" something similar, you get it...
I dont believe that. It depends if the couple loses respect for each other. In my life I am still very good friends with my XH (the Texan, LOL). He knows me since I was 16 and although we divorced after a great love story, there were never reasons to stop loving each other as very good friends. K
