Tech - I remember your sitch. That's brilliant. What happened after she collapsed?
This behavior isn't intellectual. It's much more 'primal' than that. It takes alot of energy to maintain the level of drama your wife is exhibiting. She's (trying) to have alot of exchanges with you. And for every exchange she makes, you can bet she thinks about stuff dozens or hundreds of times. She's perpetually in an elevated state of emotion. It's literally a chemical thing... she is producing adreniline all the time.
There is a great chart describing his up on Wikipeida. I can't post a jpg, so you'll need to follow this link to view it. The chart shows the cycle. Your wife is in 'resistance' right now, but can't maintain that level forever... sooner or later she will fall into exhaustion.
So at some point she will hit exhaustion. Don't expect some big apology when that happens. That would require a level of intellectual thinking your wife simply doesn't have right now. (I.e. to apologise she would have to be intellectual enough to think through her old behaviors, see her new situation and recognise the error of her ways... too complicated).
When my wife hit exhaustion, she just 'calmed down'. Nothing really more than that. But that calmer state is an <opporitunity> for you to have more civil conversations. And you can 'reward' those civil exchanges, which, over time, will start to show her a new way to behave which is rewarding.
When my wife crashed, she did (begrudgingly) admit that she 'over-reacted'. That was as close as I got to an apology. But end of day, this isn't about apologies for me. I just want to repair the relationship. A new level of more civil behavior is reward in itself, I don't need the apology.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
One other thought. This one is a bit subtle, but I think it's important for you to keep it around in the back of your head.
Just wanted to note that there is a big difference in perspectives here. You just found out about the PA's, so you've experienced a giant level of change over the last few days.
But for wife, nothing has really changed lately. OM1 is 'old history' and OM2 is on-going.
So, net-net, for you everything has changed and for wife nothing has changed in the last few days. This difference in perspective will tend to color your interactions (when you come out of being dark some day).
Basically, if you make a big deal about this someday, wife will likely be confused. To her, this stuff is old history. Just be prepared for that when it comes.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Tech - Thanks for the info. I always like to understand what is really going on rather than react to her.
Tawnya - Much better. Floor is gone and I'll have a brand new floor when I get home on Friday!!!
Got 3 texts from W today: 1. At noon, W sent text: "Not going to my dad's today". She changes her mind more than she changes her clothes. She wanted me to take the kids so bad yesterday but I had commitments. This text was to make me guess that I should ask for the kids. Again, I have commitments today so it would be difficult.
2. At 2:45 pm: "What time r u leaving tomorrow? Want me and the kids to house sit a little for you?". WOW! WTF. Most think she's trying to do a nice thing. Reality is she is trying to get out of her mothers house for a while.
3. 2:54 pm: "Ok, you ignoring me is really getting old". Impatient? She can't stand I'm dark. Can't stand it.
I haven't responded to any yet. Should I respond to any of them? I was thinking about saying something like: "Thanks for the house sitting offer. I've made arrangements."
This is very difficult. I don't want to see or talk to her. Still numb as all my feelings for her vanished.
She still takes all her anger out on me and I need better than that. I understand it's a trait of WAW but the A's are really bothering me. W is giving them 110% and me nothing. I know that is selfish and I'm being used. Going dark is the best place for me.
Just dropping in to offer some support. If going dark is what is best for you, then it is what is best period. You have to be okay before you can be good for anyone else.
I think the response you mentioned is good because it politely addresses her "complaint" that you are ignoring her while not giving her any more information than she should get.
W sends me a text: "Who is watching the house, do is watching the dog? You don't trust me? Don't want me in the house?"
Trust her??????????????? HELL NO!!!
I used to get half excited about seeing text from W and usually they were because she wanted something. Now I cringe. I know I'll never get a 'how are things going' text or call. Before that would hurt me, now I don't really care. Not even sure how I would handle that.
I used to run to this board every time I heard from W. Now, I don't care too much. I feel I'm detached now. I'm almost rid of the co-depenancy I had w/ W. I don't need her to make me happy. I'm cool w/ me.
