{{{A}}} I'm glad you are in the driver's seat on this one and I know you'll make the right decision my friend..look how far your right decisions and choices have gotten you THIS far in the process
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Prayed last night about the sitch. Still don't know if I can man up on this. Decided to outline what it would take for our M to work. Thought that was really productive and helped me emotionally.
Called my brother last night because W was stopping over there to drop some stuff off. My bro said the W had her wedding ring on and she told them we were going to take it slow. So much for baby steps?!?!?!? W and I need to talk about the process and our expectations to make sure we're on the same page.
W called this morning to tell me she was thinking of me and shared her plans over the next two days. WOW, 180 for W. I listened and asked questions where appropriate. Nothing major. W asked when flight came in. I told her and she said, "Would you like for me and the kids to come over Sat morning or can we stay overnight on Friday". WHAT??? B-A-B-Y-S-T-E-P-S! Told W it would be best to come over Sat and we need to discuss our sitch. I told her that I want her to know what my expectations are prior the even attempting this. I also let her know that I want her to give me her expectations as well.
She's diving back head first and I haven't even filled up the pool.
At some point she will collapse from mental exhaustion and the cycle will stop.
Every situation is different. But if I were a betting man I would wager that your wife will collapse and the crazyness will stop by this Friday at the latest.
Well, don't want to blow my horn, but what day is it today? Hmmm... Thursday. Guess I missed by a day or two.
Keep in mind the context when I made the quote. Wife was acting crazy, you were headed for the big D paper signing on Nov 26th and you were 'done'. Pretty bleak times.
Things are never as good as you think, but their typically not as bad as you think either. I'm very happy for you that W has collapsed back with enough rationality to take baby steps.
Now I would suggest some small rewards to her, but your right to enforce babysteps.
Keep it up, your doing great.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Yes, she's pushing forward hard...but that's okay. Just roll with this. See where things go. Find a really good time to express yourself, but it doesn't have to be right away. You can have fun for a bit with her. See how relaxed it can be and how you feel about you two together before getting all deep.
Your situation sounds so familiar. I was out of town, like you, my wife (XW at the time) stayed at the house to watch the pets, was waiting when I came home, and stayed ever since. It felt super natural...like we didn't miss a beat even though we had been separated for almost a year. Weird. You are right to be cautious and also to express your boundaries and expectations. But it's okay to go with the flow a bit also.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Well, luckily I got enough water in the pool to avoid serious injury...
Tech - You were spot on!
When I got home on Friday, W and kids were at my house sleeping. This wasn't the plan but I'm riding the wave right now. They were all on the sofa asleep and Iron Man was on TV. S6 was absolutely DYING to see it. I kissed W on the forehead and put the kids to bed. I was going to sleep on the love seat (I HATE waking people up when they are sound asleep). I turned back to the living room after tucking in the kids. W was standing in the hallway, all sleepy eyed w/ her arms out awaiting an embrace. W leads w/ ILY and a big hug.
We talk for about 2 hours. Talked about EVERYTHING but I will spare the details. Here is an overview...
- W said she was very scared when she left. That's why OM1 came into the picture. Said he got her mind off of it. -W said they did date but didn't ML. Said the luster wore off quickly and when it did, she was "shattered". She realized what she was losing and gaining anything in return. This led to .... -W wanted OM1 to make guarantees (you know when the R is failing you want to be guaranteed it will be ok). Said she wanted him to commit and he couldn't. W not realized that she was "in trouble" and OM1 was playing her. - W NEVER thought she could come back. Thought that she "ruined "everything". -OM2 sought her out after SIL told him about D. W learned about his sitch and pulled back before it even started.
This jives w/ everything the "eye in the sky" is showing me.
I spoke for about 5 min of the two hours. W really wants to come back but is scared. I told W that I am concerned as well. I also told her there are steps that are absolutely necessary before she moves back. This started the negotiation........
My "needs" 1. W must see IC for 8 weeks prior to moving back in. 2. W must be my equal. This is to help w/ her dependency issues. 3. Must talk for 15 minutes a day. Don't care what we talk about. 4. First sign of trouble, go to MC. 5. Be honest w/ her feelings.
W's needs 1. I have to be upfront w/ my feelings. 2. Let her in. (I've always kept her out of issues w/ my mother) 3. Listen and not judge. Yep, did this ALL THE TIME. 4. Keep IC going when I need to go. Don't be afraid to let her know when I need some help. 5. Give her time to figure things out on her own. 6. Be more involved w/ her family. 7. Help out more around the house.
Our "needs" - Already agree. 1. Banking must remain separate. W will buy groceries and pay utilities. I always complained about the grocery budget and "wasting" energy. Also, when I did the banking W had to "ask" to spend money. I hated that w/ a passion. 2. Found a good sitter for after school care. The current daycare was adding too much anxiety for both of us. 3. We must go on a minimum of 2 dates a month. We each get one night a week to "go do our thing", no questions asked. W asked if I would go with her to "do her thing" sometimes. I laughed because I knew this meant holding shopping bags.
W and kids stayed the entire weekend (until work this morning). W went to a party at my buddies and W was awesome. She always had issues w/ my friends but she was great. I almost cried. Then we hung out w/ the kids and watched movies. Great weekend! I sent her an email this morning thanking her for such a great weekend. W replied, "I was thinking the same thing on the way to work and started crying I was so happy".
