married 4 years, 2yo son, separated...letting go

[healthydad]

My wife moved out at the beginning of this month - and I've continued to post in newcomers for the last few weeks...but thought that maybe it's time I move over here to We're Separated...

I'm in the process of letting go - and don't call, email or text her unless it's about something necessary regarding our baby or finances. I've dropped all R/M talk, and have made the tough decision of accepting this separation as something she wants and needs to do. Based on what I've described of my W's behavior numerous people here and also my T have suggested that my W is most likely BiPolar - and so that's something that she may have to work on for herself.

Since we're separated I know that the focus of my life has to become me and my children - but I also just want to share some info about my wife. There are lots of indicators that she may have been sexually abused as a child - and I know for certain that she was emotionally/verbally/physically abused by her father.

I ended up asking her to move out when it became clearer and clearer that she was seeing me as her abuser - and she had even gone so far as to tell her mother that if she couldn't find a place to stay she would go to a battered woman's shelter and claim that I had beaten her.

I don't know what will happen next. She is still of the mindset that everything that has gone wrong in her life is because of me - and she still continues to accuse me of being an abusive husband. With the help of my T and several others, I've come to understand that my W and I did have an emotionally abusive relationship - though my T has also let me know that he doesn't see signs in me of an abusive spouse - but rather I seem to have more of the signs of an abused spouse...which is still very hard to digest and admit.

I still love my wife very much - though I do know that we could never go back to the marriage we had before - it was just too painful and dysfunctional - and there was also just too much anger in the home.

I don't know if we'll ever get to the point of reconciliation - though I have seen that her leaving the house has awakened me to a lot of things that I have lost in myself. In just the last few weeks, since she moved out, I've seen how much I have given up of my individual identity - and how much I had tried - for almost ten years - to take care of her and protect her from herself - and from her darkest memories...and I think I contributed a lot to what we're going through now - just by having tried too much to carry the burden for her - and not letting her grow enough on her own...

One thing I know for certain - either my marriage will end in D and I will be a stronger person, or this separation will lead to reconciliation and we will, by necessity, have a better marriage than before. Either way, with either outcome, I will be fine - since the time I have between now and then is my opportunity to rediscover myself - and to become someone that is better equipped to love - and to receive love - than I was before.

My goals:
1. Write more - I work as a writer, but have just coasted through the last few years on auto-pilot, and haven't taken the kinds of chances that could move my career forward.
2. Get in better shape. I'm now running 20 miles a week - but want to go higher - and knock off another 5-10 pounds.
3. Give more meaningful time to my children - play with them more - go out with them more - show them more of the world and not let the lonely feeling of being a single dad keep us home.
4. Read more - not just about marriage and divorce (I've read dozens of books over the last seven months) - but read more fiction and non-fiction.
5. Get out and meet more people. Step out of my shell.
6. Get finances in order.
7. Find ways to expand this list...with my GAL/PMA ideas.

[ms ladybug]

Welcome over here from Newcomers. You'll find that this forum is a lot slower than newcomers, but we're a great group who completely understand.
You've got great goals, and you sound like you're going to be OK.

Welcome here.

[LolaL]

Hi Somber and welcome to the board. I really like your list, and it seems that you have great goals set for yourself.

May I ask, is your W in counseling as well?

[healthydad]

Hi Ladybug and Lola -
thanks for the welcome...seemed like it was time to accept the situation as it is...and work at making of the most of what I've been dealt.

I don't know if she's still in counseling - she had an appointment about a week ago (her first) - and she went to that one - though it doesn't look like she has scheduled a follow-up...but I can't say for sure...since I'm not pushing on that front at all - as I learned (the hard way) that suggestions about C coming from me are not well received.

I like your summary of things, Lola - History, mystery, gift...the present.

Have either of your read The Time Traveler's Wife? A friend recommended it to me - there's a poem by Derek Walcott at the beginning that I'm going to memorize:


Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

[LolaL]

Unfortunately suggestions from us right now are not good on any front. I have been on and off reading the Power of a Praying Wife, and although it is obviously geared to the wives, there was something in it that is for everyone: Right now, the lesson to learn may not be yours, but your spouse's. Unfortunatley, we cannot do it for them. They have to figure themselves out. Whether our marriages walk away intact or not, they still need to learn the lesson set out for them.

I have not read the book, but I really like that poem!

[healthydad]

No...it's true suggestions from me just go nowhere...and so I don't offer any at all. I know that my W's language of love is words of affirmation - and I try to find ways to offer those words - but it's hard since she's so very shut off from me now. We're only in our third week of actual separation - though we had been sleeping apart for the last six months - and her anger and resentment toward me seems to be getting worse. Though that's just my point of view - I could be completely wrong - since I am also certain that she is in a lot of pain right now - and often looks very confused when she comes by the house to pick up our baby boy for the evenings...


...oh...that's our arrangement at the moment. I pick up our baby boy from day care (as I've always done) - so he's with my from about 3.30/4 until she picks him up around 6.30/7ish. The last few times she's come to pick him up he ran away from her saying no mommy, no mommy, stay papi - and it was heartbreaking to see how it hit hurt - I felt so very sad for her - though, having had a child before, I know that little kids say that stuff even if both parents are in the same home...still - she looks like she's taking it very hard. In fact, the last time I talked with her she asked me to stop playing with the baby and not get him involved in anything before she gets here - that way it will be easier for her to pick him up...I just said okay, sure...though I won't stop playing with my baby or stop engaging him in activity - I'll just prepare him more by telling him that mommy will be here soon - and make sure that he has some time to process that and prepare.

I do have to hold back on who I talk with about my sitch - since I think my more protective friends are starting to join the ranks of my family in saying that I deserve better - and that I should just drop my wife from my life. But the truth is, it's just not that simple - the person I fell in love with is still in there - and I've known her at her most beautiful. The person she is now is filled with pain and confusion - and is going through a real crisis - and I just cannot be angry with her - or resent her. Her pain, after all, isn't about me - while it affects me and makes me profoundly sad - it's her pain, and she has got to heal - no matter what happens with us. I wish I could help her heal - but it was getting all too obvious that my presence was interfering with her ability to focus on herself...it was just too easy for her to project everything onto me...

Here's something I wrote in my newcomer thread - stuff that figures largely into how I am managing the separation:

Staying lovingly detached has many challenges to it - like the moments of frustration that pass through me - when I slip into judging her as immature and selfish - or forget that she's suffering terribly inside - and is in a lot of pain.

I know I've not been an ideal husband to her at times - and I know that I have let my anger get in the way of better communication between us - and I want to do everything within my power to be a better man - for the sake of my kids, myself and (hopefully) my wife. But I know and understand, that no matter what I do, I may have already lost her - that she is on a personal journey that she needs to take - and that it will be very painful for her.

Today I had both sons home with me for the afternoon - and it was such joy - but it also gave me so much sadness - to sit there with my baby on my lap, talking with my older son, and wishing so badly that I could share this moment with my with my wife.

My wife's father is a terribly narcissistic, abusive man - he's also an alcoholic. Both my MIL and SIL have told me that my W did exactly what she's doing now when she was about thirteen - though when my MIL told me that she added, "I have no idea why...and if I told her father some of the things she says about him it would just break his heart." Maybe it's true...maybe they have no idea why...but it seems more than likely that they just can't bring themselves to admit what they know...and so she will have to suffer through it on her own.

Here are some things I know about my wife: she has nightmares in which a spider shaped like a man's hand creeps toward her in bed, her father used to watch her while she was in the shower, her parents had sex in front of the kids, her father kicked her out of the house several times when she was a teenager, her parents let a known child molester (my w's uncle) stay in their house when their daughters were just 3 and 5 years old, my wife has often been completely detached while ML....

why write out this list? I don't know really...in a way it's to remind me that a lot of what she's going through predates me - and that it's stuff I can do nothing about. I had tried to offer her a safe harbor at home for months - tried so very hard to be kind and quiet and supportive over the last few months...but it just didn't seem to matter. No matter what I said or did - she would find aggression in it - even if I was just standing still...I also have a deep voice - and it seemed like no matter what I said, she would accuse me of being angry - even when I didn't have an ounce of anger in my body...and it just felt like she was spinning me around and around until I would fall...

So...why the split? Partly out of a need to protect myself from her accusations - since it really seemed like she was heading toward calling the police with a false claim against me - and also because it seems like this is what she wants right now. I had asked her several times before she left if she would go back into MC with me - with a new MC - but she wouldn't do it - and simply said that she had to leave me because I kept insisting that she had a problem - and that I wouldn't admit to my own problems...She also seemed to be using that "Why Does He Do That" book as a sort of bible/checklist by which to gauge me and determine whether or not I could change.

[healthydad]

Last night my wife told me she is looking for a second job. She already works insane hours - and so my impulse was/is to offer to help her - to try to give her more time with the baby - to step in and "fix" things for her...but I just think that might be there wrong thing to do since it is what I've always done. If she does get a second job, the baby will just spend more time with me - so I'm not worried about that - though I do worry about just how much she's going to wear herself out. Still....it was her choice to move out, separate and be "independent" - shouldn't I keep out of it - and let her ride this journey as she must?

Also...I sometimes think of sending her a quick email just saying, hey, I just wanted to let you know that if you're ever willing, I am open to starting again from scratch. - or is that best left unsaid for now?

[ernest88]

She already works insane hours - and so my impulse was/is to offer to help her - to try to give her more time with the baby - to step in and "fix" things for her...but I just think that might be there wrong thing to do since it is what I've always done.

if she asks then help..if not then let her flounder..do not fix it for her.

though I do worry about just how much she's going to wear herself out. Still....it was her choice to move out, separate and be "independent" - shouldn't I keep out of it - and let her ride this journey as she must?

detach carlos..Detach..move forward and let her see you moving forward..

I just wanted to let you know that if you're ever willing, I am open to starting again from scratch. - or is that best left unsaid for now

that will fall on deaf ears and piss her off..it's persueing..

[healthydad]

Hi MfT -
You found me here..cool..that's just why I posted my thoughts here first - for the necessary reality checks...I don't want to fix her situation at all - but, damn, if it isn't a strong impulse in me...so I just have to keep it in check - and stay silent on that one unless she asks for help.

I've detached from her in just about every way - if not for our baby I don't think we would have any contact at all - and that would be okay right now. I worry about her finances mostly because I wonder if it will affect our baby.

As for letting her know that I'm open to starting over...yeah...it's just something that goes through my head sometimes - since it's true - though I also realize that there's only a very small, small, small chance of reconciliation - there's forgiveness - and I've managed to forgive her and feel no anger toward her. Most of the time I feel a lot of sadness for her - and the pain she's in. Other than the thoughts of a tiny chance at reconciliation - I don't do anything that's pursuing. Don't call, don't text, don't email - communication is only about finances and the baby - never anything about our R/M - or anything emotional.

I think reality is hitting her pretty hard though. But that's her choice, her journey...

[KenF]

Carlos,
welcome. I found, for me, moving to this part of the Forum was the beginning of healing. i cant say exactly why, maybe it was the decision to let her move out without pursueing. maybe it was the realization that it was over for us and i could therefore let go. maybe it had nothing to do with moving here and was a complete coincidence.

but i think its more of a frame of mind, like moving from jr high to high school. that somewhat naive belief that i've grown up.

i dont question it too much, its really not important, what is important is the fact that i sleep at night, i smile during the day, i catch myself humming random tunes, i wander the hallways at work to catch the eye of some unknown beautiful co-worker just for that little spark that shoots up my spine, you know the one, its like a sweet version of fillings chewing on tin foil.

i'm hopeful for my future, i thought i was hopeful while over in Newcommers, but now its different, this hope has a more refined taste, a little nutty with caramel and dark chocolate.

Carlos, you obviously live in your head a lot, give yourself some time-off, force yourself to empty your mind for a little while. you must be exhausted. go watch Eddie Izzard - Dressed to Kill