Help Please w/ Recent Email w/ H

[MrsJJJ]

I have taken a back seat to my marriage so my husband can find "him"self with hopes he finds his way home. I have not seen or contacted him in any way, shape, or form since mid October and saw our anniversary pass by as it didn't even exist. Which all of you told me to expect. At the same time, I've learned hear that actions speak louder than words and so I made an attempt to send my H an email. Note: I made no mention of our relationship or how I was or what I have been doing. His reply follows and if I am analyzing his reply correctly...I know he is still in the tunnel. Which stage or stages I am still trying to understand. He clearly is not ready to come home but I recognized that he noticed that I did not mention "myself" or how "I" was...early in the email. I noticed he still wants to take on his parent role to these kids who are not legally his nor his legal responsibility but still obviously loves them to want to help them and guide them. When he mentioned knowing I won't be having a good holiday...that tells me he knows I am still here for him as his wife and still loves him. At the same time, I wonder why he assumes this [although he is right] if I've been non-existent for many weeks. I mean, I could have moved on, have a new relationship [I don't], or be looking forward to the holiday. The sad thing I read here is....he won't be under my Christmas tree which I want more than anything. Last, I recognized that although I am still the rejected because he is willing to throw out our marital home, which he knew I saw my potential grandchildren here. However, he ends his email with talk to you soon and for me to keep in touch. The only comment I disagree with is...I was not upset in our last conversation and think he only said that as an excuse for not contacting me. Last and knowing my absolute favorite musician, my H is aware of his current release due next week and he is on Lebron's ipod...which I just learned yesterday. What was sad for me to read was his suggestion to my son to be more helpful....because I need him more now. No, my son is 22 and needs to move out....I want my H more now.

Those of you that know how to look deeper into his message, can you tell me is this definitely a MLC response, a waste of time, or if there is a ray of hope somewhere?

I left names out for privacy.
Thanks in advance.

First is my email to him; followed by his reply.

<<Hi J,

Just checking to see how you are. Thanks for making the next payment on the car and the house insurance. I appreciate it. As for the kids, S is S and his game time versus becoming a real adult resulted in me taking away his playstation, hand held game, and for a few days I had to disconnect the tv and computer. He was p*ssed. In fact, he physically came to my work a few weeks ago...demanding it back [calmly] because he paid for it. I told him when he moves out, I will give them back. Walking out the door, he told me to "go F myself and he was going to move out when he got home." Expecting him to be gone [which I knew wasn't going to be for long] when I got home from work he wasn't. Instead he was making dinner with K for me. Instead of being thankful, I told him...I thought you said you were moving out? I said, there a few boxes in the garage, pack some stuff, leave your key on the table, and please leave. He did. However, he did not leave his key and came back during the night. I didn't know this until I left for work. I still have not given him back his "toys."

L is doing great with college and work..although she hates her place of employment. She just finished registering for the Winter term and she and A are looking for an apartment so they can attend E next Fall. God Bless her...you would be proud of her. She has not had a day off for many weeks now.

K started driver's training last week and drove yesterday for the first time. Her instructor said she will do just fine. While introducing himself to the parents and speaking with each of us...I asked him about L's situation. He told me to call the driving school K is in...and tell them I told you to call and lets get L her license. As I thought, it is the thought of taking a "test" that is hindering her driving. However, he disagrees that she needed to take four driver tests. He said everybody makes mistakes even the well experienced drivers. Instructors testing have to take this into consideration and he agreed with me that if L got her license and started driving by herself [with no back seat drivers, per se] she will concentrate better and drive at her own pace. I plan to call them today.

K is in the varsity choir and her first concert was last week. It was a combination of the bands, choirs, including the marching band. Their marching band is great. She also tried out for cheerleading and made the team. She did pass her first quarter with no grade below a C but her attitude and her demands are extremely overwhelming.

I hope you are well,
S



<<Hi,

Sorry for the delay in responding. My internet has been down for 3 days. Finally had someone come out to fix it.
Thanks for the pleasant email. Good to hear from you. You didn't really say how you were doing, but I'm sure it's one day at a time. I'm doing fine. I haven't written or called because you seemed pretty upset the last time we spoke.
Glad the kids are ok. I know about the incident with S at your job, because he came to see me immediately after and asked if he could sleep on my couch. I told him no and that he needed to work this out with you. I asked him what he had been doing to help out around the house and he gave a very meager list. So I said you need to get off your ass and help your mother because she really needs you right now. So again, in one ear out the other. Why haven't you just changed the locks?
Anyway, I changed my residence with the auto insurance so they know the I is here, and the T is in H. They are also sending me copies of the paperwork so you don't have to.
As far as the house goes, it should be going up for sale soon. I don't have an exact date yet, but I will start forwarding the information along as soon as I get it. It will only be on the market for 2 months. If for some freak occurence that someone does decide to buy it, you still have 60 days to relocate. But otherwise you should be able to stay there until at least May/June.
Again, if you will let me, I'd would like to get the J fixed for L, and maybe help out with K's trip, but everytime I bring it up it just gets ignored. Let me know. Hope the rest of your family is well. Are you still going to see B in December? I see he has another album coming out and he's on Lebron's ipod.
I won't say have a good holiday, because I know you won't. But keep in touch.
Talk to you soon,

J

[Walking]

Hi Mrs JJJ

I'm glad you are here and posting. you'll find during this difficult journey that this is a very safe place for you to vent, get advice and make special friends.

You know sometimes there is nothing to analyse in correpsondence from our walk-away or MLC partners. Sometimes what they say or what they write is just what it is. What I see here is a man who know's he's hurt you and understands you are having to wear the lions share of responsibility for a family that he has usually helped you to support - but I don't see him wanting to do anythign to fix/change that - quite the opposite in fact. He's pretty brutal in letting you know that he's not going to be around and you're right, he makes some arrogant assumptions that look like he perceives you are still shattered about him leaving.

The best thing you can do Mrs JJJ is ignore this man your H has become, leave him out there in his own little bubble of self indulgence and make your life the best it can be. It won't be until he can see that you are happy, supporting yourself, unavailable to him and his antics that he'll be able to see you as a potential partner again.

Right now you need to focus on Getting a Life (GAL), having a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA), acting 'As if' and detaching from your H and his stuff.

I know that the 5 or 6 weeks you've gone without contacting him seems like an eon for you - but it may take 5 or 6 months for him to realise that he misses you. Keep up the no contact, he'll wonder what's going on with you eventually and contact you. Just remember that it will be on his time schedule - not yours.

You are doing well. Keep at it.

[MrsJJJ]

Thank you for your thoughts and allowing me to see a objective point of view of what he is writing. Trust me, although I am still hurting and the stress of cleaning up the mess he left me with is overwhelming...I am moving on one day at a time.
I do have a business degree and started my master degree but have not completed it yet. I am highly considering finishing it because I only had a few more classes to take. My degree has allowed me a good job although I am looking for something new. My degree has also allowed me to be many steps ahead of my H because as you read in his email.....he wants to know how I am, has not pursued a divorce, but is willing to allow the house he abandoned me in [which is his legal debt alone] be sold and and a thing of the past for him....but we are still in it. While he is settled into an apartment with heat for the winter...."his" choices are not considering where are we going to go with such short notice. His actions are telling me he doesn't care if we are left homeless in the cold. Granted, I have a decent paying job but half my income left with very little support since.
My point is....he is giving me a deadline without any thought to how I feel or if I am secured in another place first. However, my attorney has everything and my H's world is in for a wake up call when he learns his selfish actions will cost him plenty. Mind you, this is the last thing I want to do but financially and with dependents, there is no way I can afford to relocate within 60 days if by some freak occurance it happens.

[happynow]

Hi MrsJJJ,

I'm so sorry you are going thru this!!! But you are in the right place.

My H walked in on Sept.6, 2007 said he wanted a D, I had no clue anything was wrong with us. He also said the same night that he wanted to sell the house & split everything 50/50. He stayed here in the guest room for 5 months, that's how I found out about OW, I snooped. But, he got a real estate agent to come out & said he wanted it sold by the end of Nov. 2007. I was in shock, I had no ideal he wanted to sell that quick & I was still in shock about the D. He wanted everything over by the end of 2007, didn't happen! I got a lawyer, he told me whatever I did not to put the house on the market that he couldn't sell it right out from under me & with me not having anywhere else to go he said my H couldn't do that. So, of course I told him that my L said not to put it on the market, he was furious! By this time I had discovered OW but didn't let my H know it. I went for the house, I got it, 3 years of alimony, which he said he wasn't going to pay & he had to pay all attorneys fees, we went thru mediation for 9 hours, over 9,000.00.

I didn't want this, I still don't want this & I just keep praying for my H even tho he M OW that he didn't really know & moved to another state & now I understand they have moved to China.

Sorry I went so long but the reason I wanted to tell you part of my story is that I don't want you to be abandoned & no where to go, so go talk to a lawyer, most of them will talk or meet with you at no charge at first. Explain your sitch & let them advise you.

Hang in there!!! At least your H was pretty nice in the email.

((((HUGS))))