Finally a new wifey thread

[The Wifey]

Sorry I haven't been on much. Budget season is always such a killer. Thankfully I took today off of work to clean and make pies.

The only update I have is that I am not well. My H is still hell-bent on separating and has the idea that I am the one that has to leave (again).

Yesterday he sent me an email about his feelings. He doesn't want to hurt me but says he needs to heal and and be just himself and come to terms with everything. He doesn't want to talk any more, he just wants to live apart and see if we can rebuild from friends.

I decided to just include his email here rather than describe it:

I can't help the way I feel. I've expressed my feelings the best I can and you still chose not to accept my feelings. I want to be friends/family and rebuild our relationship. If it can be...

Right now you are panic and your actions are driving me crazy. At this point I don't want to say much because interpritation is most often different then what I mean to covey.

Also afraid you will do something to hurt yourself.

I love you and always want to be part of your life. We've grown apart. You have ambition for many things I just want to enjoy life after a long days work. I've felt unapreciated and dismissed for so long. I made compromises to do what is right for the family. Now I have to do what is right for me. Learn to live again accept my failures and press on. Be the best parent, son, friend and person I can be. Not what someone else thinks I should be.

When you left 5 years ago you made it clear I couldn't call you NA... As I understood that woman no longer exsisted.

Also you made me think about all the gifts I recieved at school over the last year. 6 roses 2 real 2 paper 2 cholarte, box of legos, radio control car, coffee mug, hugs, shirts, nice comments with sincere appreciation for helping someone. Thank you cards for the tours I give and the advise I give to parents. Bits of encouragement that say I'm a good man that helps people.

I'm tired of talking. I just want peace whereby time to let go of my past mistakes and painful memories. Remember all the good ones.

I'm sorry for everything.

He sent me the email at 9:30 in the morning and I happened to check my personal email in the middle of a budget review. Here I was in the corporate board room, with 5 company VP's trying to keep notes on changes to the budgets we were reviewing and also trying not to cry or throw up.

We got out of our reviews around 4 and I answered his email and then left work a total basket case. I cried my heart out and drove to where he works. I called him and told him I was waiting in the parking lot because it wasn't safe for me to drive home right then by myself.

When he came out I just cried and cried in his arms. It took nearly 30 minutes for me to calm down enough to drive home.

When we got home he held me on the couch while I sobbed and sobbed and told him over and over how much I loved him.

He finally went downstairs to work out and I fell asleep on the couch. When he came back upstairs I woke up and curled up to him while he watched tv.

At bed time I told him I could not sleep alone. He said that just for tonight I could sleep in the same bed. And I actually slept, which I don't normally do unless I take something.

This morning I had a hug at the door before he left, but I think it was more of an "I'm sorry you are hurting" kind of hug than any real affection.

So, I am pretty much empty right now. Only my faith in God is helping me. I believe he cares for me even when my H doesn't.

I really, truly give thanks that I found all of you here. You all really understand.

[JWM]

Wifey, I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe this is the bottom. He suggested that you both need to start again as friends. That is how love grows.

[Neilh23]

I believe he cares for me even when my H doesn't.

hey KJ..... this struck me. i think you're wrong here. Your H does indeed care about you. To take a page out of SC's book....

he took the time to explain to you his feelings. that rght there indicates that he does. If he didn't care, he would be indifferent to you. He held you while you cried your eyes out. Again, if he didn't care, he wouldn't've done that.

think about it sweetheart......what i would give to hold my W as she cried....even if it's for a minute......think about it....

Check out my thread for a link to a great article in pyschology today. i know you'll appreciate it.

I believe in you......keep at it girlie

[Neilh23]

KJ-

here's the link....read it. it's really helpful....trust me

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20081027-000001.html

[Tomato]

hey KelliJo

Hope you are managing things decently on this day. I just wanted to comment and pass along some very brief and unsolicited advice based upon reading H's email. Here goes. For the indefinete future you need to leave your H alone as he has so clearly requested. He wants his space and as a loving spouse you need to grant him that. In my extremely brief, and I can't overstate that enough, observation of where you are at this moment you seem much to clingy and intrusive for his current liking. You are going to need to put into place, if you don't already have, a fortified support system for yourself which does not include H. He needs to be off limits for now but for two remote exceptions a) if he should initiate contact w/ you (& if you do your part he will); b)a loss of limb, no doubt about it emergency .

You would do well to develope some different pattern of self soothing for the short term that maybe involve close friends, family and/or a "teddy bear" plush guy. Anything but H. He needs to go it alone for a bit to reset his "satellites", so you need to show him your love by complying with his wishes. You'll make it fine, just vary your pattern some.

You will be in my prayers. Peace to you and your's & make it a Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S - maybe a lesson learned to not even be tempted to open up emails that could even be remotely emotionally un-doing when in the presence of professional colleagues.

[Rob1231]

Hi KJo, Checking in after a long while away from the BB. I'm sorry that you are still at this point in your sitch.

You know, you can't make him change. You can only change yourself. You've been DBing for (I think) about six months now. With that in mind...

How are YOU significantly different, as a person, than when you started? Please answer this question without a single reference to your H.

How are YOU significantly different in the ways that you interact with your H? Please answer this question focusing on your own actions, not his.

The stuff you are hearing from H seems to be the exact same stuff you have heard consistently from him for the past six months. As MWD says, when what you are doing isn't working, do something else....

(((Hugs!)))

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, {{{{{{Kelly Jo}}}}}}.

Every time I read from your sitch, I am struck again by how much alike we seem to be. I know EXACTLY how you feel and struggle daily with "letting go" and concetrating on me. I am a "fixer" and have little or no patience and standing back and giving the space my H has requested is very hard for me, and I feel I "backslide" a lot, and second guess everything I do.

But, KJ, I see a LOT of positives in your sitch. The very fact that your H has "opened up" to you in the way he has in this e-mail is something I wish my H could do for me. My H is still very closed off and petrified of taking any step toward me. The hugs I REALLY envy you! He came out and said in writing that he "wants to be friend/family and rebuild our relationship. If it can be....." is also, I think, very positive. These are all things to hold onto!

I know I've suggested them before, but I will suggest them again. Two books that really helped me (and I've read a LOT) are:

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody
Surviving Male Menopause by Jed Diamond

You are a good lady. Don't forget that!

And, one other small piece of advice. Don't leave again! If he wants to take that step, he needs to make that effort.

Take care!!

[The Wifey]

Hi KJo, Checking in after a long while away from the BB. I'm sorry that you are still at this point in your sitch.

You know, you can't make him change. You can only change yourself. You've been DBing for (I think) about six months now. With that in mind...

How are YOU significantly different, as a person, than when you started? Please answer this question without a single reference to your H.

How are YOU significantly different in the ways that you interact with your H? Please answer this question focusing on your own actions, not his.

The stuff you are hearing from H seems to be the exact same stuff you have heard consistently from him for the past six months. As MWD says, when what you are doing isn't working, do something else....

(((Hugs!)))

A) I am significantly different in that I recognize that I often kept busy and focused on the next achievement to try and bury feelings. In so doing I would avoid really feeling what I should have felt and faced what I needed to face.

By doing this I lost focus on what was truly precious and important in my life. While I was trying to feel better about myself I was actually hurting myself.

B) I am significantly different in how I interact with my husband in that I do not reject what he is trying to say or make excuses. I take responsibility for my actions and hurts and faults.

I am also able to put myself into his shoes and feel the way he feels. Though this hurts so much, I never tell him that he is wrong in how he feels or that things were different than the way he saw them.

I now say, I know, you are right, and I am so sorry. In the past I would try to redefine what he was saying and tell him he saw it wrong, or I didn't mean to do that, I meant this... or I would have a reason for what I did that I thought explained it away.

Does this make sense?

[The Wifey]

hey KelliJo

Hope you are managing things decently on this day. I just wanted to comment and pass along some very brief and unsolicited advice based upon reading H's email. Here goes. For the indefinete future you need to leave your H alone as he has so clearly requested. He wants his space and as a loving spouse you need to grant him that. In my extremely brief, and I can't overstate that enough, observation of where you are at this moment you seem much to clingy and intrusive for his current liking. You are going to need to put into place, if you don't already have, a fortified support system for yourself which does not include H. He needs to be off limits for now but for two remote exceptions a) if he should initiate contact w/ you (& if you do your part he will); b)a loss of limb, no doubt about it emergency .

You would do well to develope some different pattern of self soothing for the short term that maybe involve close friends, family and/or a "teddy bear" plush guy. Anything but H. He needs to go it alone for a bit to reset his "satellites", so you need to show him your love by complying with his wishes. You'll make it fine, just vary your pattern some.

You will be in my prayers. Peace to you and your's & make it a Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S - maybe a lesson learned to not even be tempted to open up emails that could even be remotely emotionally un-doing when in the presence of professional colleagues.

Tomato- thank you for writing to me. We are still in the same house. Really isn't possible for me to just ignore him or not talk to him.

Today I am actually toying with the idea of finding a pet-friendly hotel and going away for the weekend. I have work to take with me and I would keep the phone off. I could email him to let him know I was safe and that is all he needs to know.

[The Wifey]

Well, I didn't go anywhere for the weekend. And I decided to veg yesterday. I had IC this morning which was good except for coming out feeling like shredded meat of course.

My C told me to buy a teddy bear. I think it was Smart Cookie that also told me that. I am to go into my room and lay down with the bear and comfort the little girl inside of me that was abandoned and hurt. Sounds crazy, but really, really wise at the same time.

So today I went to a matinee with my H to see Bolt. I'd thought I was going alone, but he came home and asked where I was going and he said he'd like to go. It was a really cute movie, but me as the ever sappy one, had to tear up at two scenes. (What a dolt- its an animated movie for gosh sakes.)

Anyway, then we went to Wal-Mart and I found the softest, cuddly teddy bear I could find. I got a puzzled look from the H, but he didn't ask and I didn't offer any explanation.

Then I said I was hungry and he suggested we go eat. We went to Denny's. He seemed a little off. I asked if he was tired and he said no, he'd been thinking about my last email.

I was absolutely not going there. I just said, ok. He wanted to talk more for some reason. He said he wasn't sure how to respond. I just told him it wasn't written for him to respond to, just for him to take it in. Then I changed the subject.

Whoah, doesn't he try to bring it up in the car, too, on the way home. He seemed so sad and down. I told him it was ok. However he felt right at this moment it was all right. He was trying to say that he feels love but its different. I said again that its ok. Lets just enjoy one moment at a time.

He was quiet all the way home. I went to take a nap because I stayed up until 2 am and I am going out tonight. He woke me up before 5 because he was leaving to go to his friend's house tonight. I got a hug and kiss before he left. Nice, because I didn't initiate either one. I was actually hanging back.

He still looked sad, but I didn't say anything. I just let him be. He said for me to be careful tonight when I go out. I said I would and said the same to him.

And yes, I did cuddle that teddy bear while I slept. I am a 42 year old woman and I slept with a teddy bear. He must have thought I was out of my mind when he woke me up, because he had to have seen the bear. I have to chuckle at that.

Well, I guess I better get ready to go out. Tonight is GAL time.