HI everyone I'm brand new and just over a week away from the bomb being dropped, (Other man/emotional affair, and I'm not attracted to you anymore, etc.) It was the hardest couple of days I've ever survived, but now with the help of going dark, things are already turning around. I have alway been the more emotional, pursuing one (many calls a day, etc.) so it is not in any way a natural way for me, but with the help of the fuel my anger provides, and rediscovering myself a little (an amazing thing!) It's been surprisingly easy. And after just a few days I received 2 notes and was told today to give her a call if I needed to. This may not seem like much but compared to the cold anger and withdrawl that have been the norm lately, this is a near miracle.
Just wanted to tell my story and thank everyone forbeing so open. It's helped me a great deal.
This is a great place to get some support and hints on how to cope.
Do you and your wife have any children?
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Hi. No we don't have any children, we have dogs. And things now have gotten worse. For the 3rd straight weekend she has left and won't me where she's going. Snd she keeps repeating that she's safe. I'm starting feel very frustrated and am considering moving out myself for a week or so to get my thoughts together. In the 2 weeks since I found out about her affair (hurts to even type the word) all I could think about was that I had to do everything in my power to not scare her away. But now I'm starting to wonder what it is that I TRULY want. I'd welcome any thoughts...
If she "keeps repeating" that she's 'safe' then someone keeps asking her where she is going. Would that be you?
Don't ask her where she's going. Assume that she is with OM. Don't tell her to "have fun" but perhaps use her words and say "be safe" or just "drive carefully."
The point of going dark is to remove yourself from the drama, as well as to demonstrate different behavior (not pursuing, in your case). This will take many weeks or months, depending on how long your "old" style communication was in place.
As for you moving out for a week, do it if it is for you to clear your head, but not to get a reaction from her. Show her the appropriate kindness that she has lacked, ie tell her exactly where you are going. "I'm going to stay with my friend X for a week or two--I need to clear my head."
If you're going to do this, don't be there Friday or next Monday to even know whether she is home or not.
Thank you for your thoughts. After being strong for a while I've really gone to pieces the last couple of days. The thought of her with the OM is almost more than I can stand, and is rapidly approaching the pain of finding out in the first place.I am going to move out for a while for my own head clearing and will try hard not to think of it as a way to get a rise out of her. Thanks again!
I am new to this thread and very interested in what people hve to say about my situation. My W and I were married when she was young, 22. We had a son when she was 23. She never really had the opportuntiy to go out and live on her own or be a part of the job force and I believe that is part of the reason why she has become a WAW.
The other part is that I neglected our R. I rarely did nice things for her. I always used verbal affection to state my feelings toward her. In retrospect, I REALLY took her for granted.
I have been DB'ing for about two months now. I have had success bringing our relationship back to a positive level but it is a far stretch to where we were before all the problems cameout. In many cases I would work on things and then something would trip me up and many of my old traits came out.
Now I have decided to "go dark". We still live under the same roof and interact as friends. What has got me into trouble is the fact that she "wants to go out and live." I feel that I need to let her just to get some resolution in the R. Let her decide if she wants to move forward with our son and I, I will be there. From what I have gotten from this thread is to be distant without not being there at all. I still help her as much as possible and interact whenever she initiates. It is something to help me not think about her stance in teh relationship right now. Any suggestions/comments???
Last edited by NoDirection; 09/11/0707:30 PM.
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
Hey all, Just dropped in to review some of the postings on this thread. I really don't know if the "going dark" is working in my sitch or not. Alot lately I'm wondering if it is just enabling him to see OW in peace and to be "cake eating". Who knows?
Since my last post H stopped in one night out of the blue to just hang out. Ended up spending the night. I initiated the spending the night. Then nothing for over a week.
Next contact, was I went out, H knew it. He called and invited me to BIL's I said we'll see and I didn't go. I know that I have to not be available every time, but I really kicked myself for the next week.
Last Friday H called and invited me to BIL's to BBQ. I went of course. Didn't talk to him much there. But when I left I called him and asked if he wanted company at home. He said sure. I went and stayed till 3:30 am. And again I haven't heard anything from him since.
Other than these highlights there have been a few nights that H has been here to do farm stuff, and he'll hang out an hour or so just to chat. Neither of us have brought up R or D since back first of August. Good or bad? Who knows.
Granted H works Sun, Mon, Tues, and every other Sat. Night 5pm-5am. Then if he works extra day. So it The first part of the weeks he is sleeping most of the day. But a call just to say hi or to talk to the girls would make me feel better as to whether this may be working.
I guess time will tell.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
My Q is how long do you stay in the dark? I'm with Beth and letting my H work things out on his own. I've been w/drawn and I've been nice during the past 6 months. There was no change. He's still acts the same way. And I sincerely think H is not faithful.
I've GAL and am happy with it. However, wish there was more to our family than this.
Me 35 H 41 M 10 years Together 12 years D,6 SS, 17,19
I will throw my 2 cents into here.. those folks on "we're seperated forum" know my sich.. anyways it will soon be 3 months of seperation (Aug 19)..
we live in the same house, different rooms.. as finance are dictating things a little, and the housing market is horrible.
I have lost 25 pounds, have gotten into the best shape since i can ever remember, quit smoking, quit drinking.. and just completely remain positive at all times, even if i get weak at times.. (which i do)
W and I are amicable. She has told friends she just wants to keep peace. She broke down crying after she sent me an email , and then snooped into my email when i was away on travel.. she then replied with a"it's over no matter what letter" to both me and a friend of mine that had been supporting me (she got her email by snooping thru mine)..my 180.. to not react, in the past i would have flipped! .. nope W is always trying to pull me into arguing and I refuse to do it.
Anyways I think going dark would hurt me personally.. as i spent 1 1/2 years working in the field 4 days a week and coming home for 3, etc.
