Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[runningoutoftime]

You have a lot of anger and I think you need the space and time for yourself to heal. Can you legally change the locks on the house? (Heck, I changed the locks!).

Perhaps you can get some of those slide locks so he can't walk in (I did that too!).

Tell him you just feel too much anger and hatred towards him,so you don't want to see or hear from him. He can drive up, honk, and you will send your son out, and he can drive up and let him out of the car. If he has any problems with this tell him to contact you through the lawyers.

If he disrespects you, and keeps bothering you be rude to him. Tell him stuff so he won't want to be around you. If someone irritated me that much I'd probably react with ugliness so they wouldn't want to talk or interact with me.

I wouldn't recommend this to everyone, but you seem like a volcano ready to explode and I think you need him out of your life as much as possible.

[LL44]

So, lwb, you say that you still allow you exH to come into your house.

Yes, he pretty much has full access. But he is only there when I am working.

he is NOT with the OW that he left you for.

Oh my dear, you are so darn right!! We covered this for awhile on my thread, how it would be SO much harder to be dealing with original OW. She was married with 2 kids as well. Oh man, I can't imagine!

And your H acts horribly when you try to enforce a boundary he doesn't like. My xH stomps his foot a bit, but then deals.

I canNOT believe he cancelled and messed with the insurance!!!! Unbelievable!

My friend, I am here for you no matter what. I too, agree that we have different situations, yours is definately a harder road. My heart goes out to you, and I pray you can heal. And you do whatever YOU need to do to heal. He gave no thought to you, now its your turn to think of yourself.

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I am so spitting mad right now. Why do they act so angry when we go NC? They are the ones that threw US away! So, I log into our bank account to see if the house payment has been made yet (Nov's). What I see instead is a transaction for a hotel room at Days Inn for $140.00 that was charged today. Now, we all know that I have stated that I want him completely out of my life...I do. I also am not trying to come between him and my son. They need to develope whatever relationship that can and I have no intention of standing in his way. I do, however, think his visitation needs to occur outside of my home. What makes me mad is that:

1) he has spent so much for a hotel room. If he keeps this up on a weekly basis then he really will not be able to continue to make the house payment and it will go into forcloser.

2) He talked with my brother today about how unfair I am being (whine whine whine) and yet never mentioned his intention of taking my son for an overnight visit tonight.

I can already guess what he was planning - me coming home to an empty house and becoming worried about where they were. Instead, O Enlightend One got to walk in to the house with a bag already packed for my son. Im sorry, but that is just F'ing cruel. All I have asked of him is some space to heal. This request after he screwed around and left me at the sickest point in my life. But of course I am seen as a controlling B because I asked for NC. Sheesh...can some one get a baseball bat for me? He is just sick, plain sick. Guess someone has issues with boundaries!

[LL44]

What a freaking baby!

So, he got the hotel room because you won't let him visit at the house? So he can take S8 for the night? Did I get that right? Or did he plan an overnight trip out of town for S8?

Talk about your 'pushing back'. He is such a fool. I don't know where you are with the financial stuff, but is there a way to separate everything so he doesn't sink you along with him? Do you know for sure you can't stay in the house? Is there a way to move out (find something for you and son) get your name off the house and leave it to H to deal with?

[No Longer BH]

lwb, first of all, I love you. You have always been such a wonderful, compassionate soul. As far as our finances go...well, lets just say they are grim, very grim. He wiped us out and I have no idea where all of the money has gone. Personally, I want to stay in the house as long as I can. Almost everything is seperated and I figure we will come to an agreement in mediation in a couple of weeks.

Here is the thing, if OEO would just stop acting like an idiot he would see that we have prob 75,000.00 in equity in our home. But instead he is screwing around and doesnt care about any of this icky financial stuff. Our house payment takes 1/2 of his month paycheck at this time (remember, he was demoted of few months back). So no, I can not afford the house any longer. I just was hoping to be able to get some money from the sale to pay of some of the debt and have a little cash in my pocket. Guess I can no longer count on that.

[No Longer BH]

So, I started out posting in a pissy mood because he got a hotel room for the night. I guess maybe I jumped the gun on assumptions.....I get back home and OEO's car is still parked out front. I give him the signal and he leaves. Son is upstairs asleep. Hmm....what is the hotel charge for then? WTF???? I guess I need to contact my bro and have him find out what the charge is all about. Lesson here - try not to jump to any assumptions. Still, he has been acting so crazy these last 6 months that all I can do is assume the worst in order to protect myself. I hate that I have to think that way, it wears me out sometimes.

[runningoutoftime]

He probably used the hotel for a hooker.

Listen, you are reacting exactly the way he wants you to, and he will continue acting in a way to keep you angry and mad at him. It's much easier to D someone who is angry and unhappy with you. I'm sure he's very pleased with that. It confirms he's making the right decision.

Being angry isn't going to change the money situation. You need to fully separate your money from him (close --or drain your portion of assests from-- all shared accounts, credit cards, etc... first thing in the morning!!!). Then start your own accounts and begin taking care of things as if he died (with zero insurance!) yesterday. Get a renter or two. If possible, think of this "guy" who comes to your house to take the kid as free "child care."

[No Longer BH]

This morning when my S got up he told me that the hotel was not for last night but for this weekend. I did a little snooping and called the hotel up to see if there really was a reservation....yep. I asked them if it is their policy to charge the CC before staying there. She said since it was an internet reservation then the charge is automatically processed. So, now I know what the charge is.

Lessons that I learned from this:

1. Try not to make ANY assumptions about the OEO. Let him show me his intentions instead of getting worked up over my thoughts.

2. When I let my thoughts run wild, it only serves to make ME emtionally upset and angry. I do not need those feelings in my life, so need to only focus on the now.

3. I still am not as detached as I need to be. Eventhough I have been pitch black for almost 2 weeks, I am still giving too much of my energy over to him and my anger. I need to start to exerscise again to release the frusteration and get the happy chemicals back up.

4. I can always count on my wise friends here to help me through a crisis, even if it turns out to be a self imposed crisis. Thank you all for the support and advice.

As far as completely seperating out the finances, I truly do not know how to do it any further than we already have. He put all of the utilities in his name with a secret password so I cant change any of them over to me. He does mostly pay them, I will address them only if they get disconnect.

My car still has a joint loan so I cannot transfer the title to me. The payments automatically come out of the joint account. The joint account is where his paycheck gets deposited into. He is responsible for paying all of the bills. Then I get a weekly allowance transfered to my acccount and he gets one transfered to his account. That is oue own individual spending money. <sigh> we will work this out in mediation. I am also going tohave the mediator tell him that he will no longer be allowed into the home. His visitations will need to be elsewhere. Im just trying to find was to not react anymore.

[runningoutoftime]

If you are financially separated as much as possile (similar to how it will be after the D), then that's all you can do.

Are you in a fault state? If so, you may want to use this hotel gig as a photo op (although, being so upset, you might want to have someone else take the photos).

Detaching is difficult and painful. It's okay to curl up like a caterpillar and hide out in a caccoon. Some day a strong and beautiful butterfly will emerge. I know that sounds a little corney, but the analogy is true.

It just takes time. Let go of the stranger your H became (alien being!) and look for the little silver linings in life. Do some things that make you happy.

[No Longer BH]

<Sigh> I just feel so beat down at times. I hate this....I hate him at this point. I have to share what transpired over this weekend. He is such a selfish jerk these days....

OEO is NOT happy with me at all. He is throwing little tantrums at my brother. Thank god my bro is sheltering me from his spew. He is frusterated that I will no longer allow him to have direct access to me. He told my bro that after our mediation meeting next week, if things are not wrapped up he will keep making an appointment every week until this D@MN thing is over with. Like 20 years of marriage can be divided up in 2 hours.....dream on @sshole. I offered for him to have extended visitation over the Christmas holiday and he replied back that he was not going to take those days because it just is not healthy for our S to be in a hotel room that much.

Speaking of hotel rooms, I must share how O Enlightend One is such the model parent. He picks up Friday night and they hang out at the hotel playing video games all night. He keeps S up until 11pm. Saturday is spent playing video games, a little bit of swimming, and then more video games. He is up until 11 pm once more. This is my child who is already depressed and sleep deprivation makes him even worse. He has a STRICT bedtime of 8:30 that OEO and I both agreed to, that is , until now. Sunday comes along and they play video games until they check out, head over to OEO bro's house where they....you guessed it, played XBOX most of the day. As OEO is bringing S home for the night, he gets pulled over and the police man informs him that he has 2 outstanding speeding tickets, both with bench warrents. If my son was not in the car, the police man said he would have arrested OEO. When S got home, he imediately started to bawl because his dad might go to jail and he is soooo tired. ARRGGGG....thanks for creating such a mess for me to clean up @sshole.

Today I get to deal with the anger my son has because his father did not really make an effort to connect with him. He is lashing out at me because I am the only safe place he has. I get his behavior and it makes me sad that he has to go through this crap. Oh course, I am the one making this even harder because I am not bending over backwards for OEO....how could I be so selfish????? I mean, just because he left to go scr3w some skanky maggot in order to find himself so that he could be a better father even though he torn this family apart, I have no right to ask him to leave me alone so that I can find happiness and be a better mom after going through all of the crap I went through....Yeah, I can see how I am so unreasonable.

Just wanted to vent there for a moment. I truly am doing much better and am ready to face the D process at this point. It will be a relief to have the finances outlined...no more mystery on who will get what, it will all be laid out so that I can plan for mine and S's future.......