Well Dang it...my post locked before anyone could answer my question. Let me askit again so that I can get your feedback:
My question is, should I start acting like I am D? What I mean by that is when it comes to OEO's weekly visits, I am still allowing him to come into my home for them. I kind of feel like I am making things pretty easy and he is invading my space. He is not being forced to face the reality of his decision. I truly want my S to have a R with his father, yet how far do I go for OEO? If we were D today he would NOT be able to set foot in my home, yet that is what I am allowing him to do. Should I continue this or should I cut it off along with everything else so he has to face the reality of his choices?
I appreciate all of your insight and am looking forward to your all of your wisdom. I am just trying to heal at this point......
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I was in the same boat last year, and people here told me it was unhealthy. He has to face the reality of a single father, does he not have an appt? for a while stbx lived too far and not a place to bring both kids, but if I hadnt' paid him off for his share of his house and he gotten his own place I would've set a cut off date and told him "after Sept,32 you cannot stay here anymore, you can pick up kids at 1pm and drop them off at 6"
There is no reason to make his life easier by forgoing your privacy, he should man up to his desicions.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
If we were D today he would NOT be able to set foot in my home, yet that is what I am allowing him to do
May I ask why if would be so different after the divorce? I agree (don't forget I am living it) it is so hard to have them be able to come and go in our house, but I know its best for the girls right now. There are rules that I have when he is there. Some are silly, like I don't want him lying on 'my' bed, but I explain it to him that he has somewhere to go, somewhere private, (his dads) but I don't have that. I have to make the most of it.
Quote:
Should I continue this or should I cut it off along with everything else so he has to face the reality of his choices?
Are you really solely responsible for him seeing his reality? To make him face his reality? I would think all the things you did (boundaries you set) weren't to 'punish' him, but to help you heal properly.
Its hard for me at times, but I told xH that he is welcome at the house anytime the girls are there and awake (and he lets me know first). He still throws his dirty clothes in the wash there, still has a lot of stuff there. Right now, that stuff doesn't bother me, I am just enjoying and learning to get used to HIM being gone. I figure when that stuff *does* bother me, I'll tackle it then. One thing at a time.
Hey cat & lwb, thanks for your input. I do appreciate both sides of this delimia.
So, lwb, you say that you still allow you exH to come into your house. Here is the difference....he is NOT with the OW that he left you for. If O Enlightend One was not with maggot (my fond name for OW) then things would be different. He feels completely justified in his actions, has NO remorce for what he has done....leaving me while I could die, causing my son to become suicidal....nothing. After all, it is about HIS happiness. And when I put up boundaries to try and heal, when I say I need time to myself without you around....he reacts by canceling my car insurance/ home owner insurance.
I got a phone call tonight that said that as of tomorrow I will no longer have coverage on my car unless I re-establish coverage on my own. Oh, and by the way, since the home loan is only in his name I am now considerd a renter and need to take out renters insurance to cover mine and Owen's stuff. So.....I am now moving all of HIS things to the garage so these shinangans can stop. Did I mention that he is trying to break my NC by still emailing me??? Guess I am in an angry place right now. So, I think that maybe cutting him COMPLETELY out of my life might just be the right move. I have made things VERY easy for him. Tis is not about punishing him or trying to hurt him. It is about me letting him see what his actions really mean. You want to be divorced.....ok, then here it is. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FRIEND OR HELP YOU OUT. YOU LEFT ME SO LIVE WITH IT!!!! Again, feeling a bit angry at the moment.
If I need a 2x4, I will be open to hearing it. Please, feel free to give your point of view. And lwb,. please dont think that I dont appreciate your perspective, I do. I just think we are at different places in our journey. Like I said, I am not cutting his visitation off, I am just trying to establish boundaries to heal.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I know that I couldn't be around my X at all. It was a huge trigger for me, and I wasn't strong enough. The complete NC is for ME; has nothing to do with him. And he respects it. You have to watch about not letting him into the house, though, if it is "his." Legally, he may have the right to access. Check with your L. It might be something you have to negotiate (and give something up for, possibly, in your agreement).
I don't blame you for being angry; it can be a healthy, self-protective emotion if you channel it correctly and release it in a healthy way. Do you get Divorcecare emails? They post about anger for more than a week, starting about Day 70 of their daily emails...
have you guys decided who's going to own the house and other financial aspects? during my sep. agreement all that was iron out well before he was eligible to file for D, can you keep the house if you refinance? are you selling it?
why would things be different if he were with someone else? he still broke the family apart brought pain to you and your son, dont' expect for ANYthing good to come from him (repentance/sorrow/apology) chances are if he is acting like this it will never come and you will be left with lots of anger and chaining yourself to him through that anger.
I see through your sig that all has happened pretty recently (d/ow) and you are hurting lots, but you must cut yourself completly from this looser by taking care of yourself/son financially and only deal with him when you absolutely have to without expecting anything else from him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wow Cat....you can really ROAR! Neither one of us will own the house after the D. I am putting it back on the market in the spring. We will be going to mediation to work out our agreement and then the paperwork will be filed with my L. After the house sells, my L will then submit it to the judge for his signature to complete it. I know longer look for ANYTHING from him. I see us as living completely seperate lives now. Going pitch black is for MY sanity, and has nothing to do with him. Although it still angers me that he is not respecting the rules, but why should I expect any kind of respect from him at this point?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
he's got some nerve telling you are now a tenant! the house also belongs to you and I dont' think what he did was legal, have you run that through your L? Be VERY VERY specific when you get the legal agreement, leave NOTHING unsaid (who'll get who, put down every single holiday/days off your son has and who will have him then) Some here were luck and were able to push college on the papers (stbx refused to agree, legally he doesnt' have to). Another dber here made it so the WAS go to either parenting classes or IC with kids. Make sure you talk to your L before you go to the agreement meetings. Good luck hon)))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
[quote=brokenhearted]Oh, and by the way, since the home loan is only in his name I am now considerd a renter and need to take out renters insurance to cover mine and Owen's stuff./quote]
This is total bull... Is the home insurance paid through the mortgage? If so, all belongings are still covered through that. If he has another place he has to get other insurance on that.
Although my X was the one cheating I moved out and rented my own place. Her name isn't on the home loan but I am still paying things until the house sells. So, all remains the same there and I had to pickup renters insurance for my place.
I'm a long-time lurker that has been following your sitch for a while...wow..my heart has been hurting for you SO much..what a completely selfish man that is...I'm infuriated FOR you..my advice would be to talk to your L and file a motion immediately for sole use of the marital property. You are there on your own now so it should be relatively easy to achieve. If you went before a judge and explained what was going on, even with you sick...they would grant you sole use immediately...Once you do that, you in NO WAY have to allow him in that front door. With that order, you can change (or re-key..much cheaper!) the locks...I went to court for my motion in the morning & came right home to the locksmith there! You have every right to set your boundaries after what you have been put through.
Yes, you should not bash him in front of kids, etc..but no way in h*ll would I be letting his sorry behind in the house..If he continues to disrespect your boundaries & email you, block his email. If he whines about it..a simple "be careful what you wish for" should suffice.
You are without a doubt one of the strongest people I have seen on here in the 2 yrs or so I've been on the site...Clearly you will come out of this OK...be angry...but do not let that anger consume you...he is NOT worth it..and you are worth SO much...
I apologize for hijacking...wanted to offer my support about the motion & locks..after all you've dealt with, it really pissed me off to see him threatening you! I'd also call the insurance company on the homeowners & do some research to find out what is/is not covered so he can't BS you further...Stay strong, you are in my thoughts & prayers
Neither one of us will own the house after the D. I am putting it back on the market in the spring. We will be going to mediation to work out our agreement and then the paperwork will be filed with my L. After the house sells, my L will then submit it to the judge for his signature to complete it. I know longer look for ANYTHING from him. I see us as living completely seperate lives now. Going pitch black is for MY sanity, and has nothing to do with him. Although it still angers me that he is not respecting the rules, but why should I expect any kind of respect from him at this point?