Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[cat03]

the light is on but no one is home, it still is hard to believe their stupidity. Even harder to see the pain our kids have to go through and such a shame their dad turn into a major @hole.
Remember, leave nothing unsaid during mediation, no loophole.

[runningoutoftime]

Sometimes I think the hole is just dug too deep, and the momentum of the thing so strong, that there's no space for turning back.

I understand you are both in a very emotional place, extremely angry with each other, blaming each other and in a hurry just to get through this whole thing. But it will pass... keep trying to detach. Being angry doesn't help wrinkles.

Go shopping!!!!

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I am back to post an update. Funny how when you go NC there just isnt as much to complain about. He is still mad, he still thinks I am evil because I am making things hard for him for visitation.....hello, welcome to the big D.

Well, tomorrow I go to mediation......as OEO has said, "If we dont get this thing done in this session, then I am going to schedule an appointment every F'ing week until it is done!" Guess he is of the motivated verity. Honestly, I am not that torn up about it this time. My NC has let me step back and truly SEE the person he is now. He is NOT someone I want. He is broken. He is selfish. He is spiraling. The best thing for me has been the distance that I have put between us.

I requested that we have seperate rooms at mediation and that NC remains during negotiations. If I had to sit in the same room with him I think I would be torn up, but since I know I still do not have to look at him, I am ok. This is what I need right now. I am ready to let the man he has become go, even though I still mourn over the person he once was. Here is the thing though, I KNOW, and I do mean KNOW that I got the best of him. He has been spiralling down furhter and further for the last few years. Even maggot is not getting the man I once had. Afetr all, he is still prowling for others while living with maggot....how pathetic. He is going to live a very sad life if he continues on this path. I, on the other hand, have been forced to wake up and find myself. As scary as it has been, I now KNOW who I am. I do get lonely sometimes, but know that it is only a sign that I still having growing to do. I am not looking for anyone and would not desire to have a R when I still have growth in my life. When this pain/anger has passed then, and only then, will I even consider dating again.

Thank you all for being understand and supportive, even when I fell. I love you all!!!! Wish me luck and I will post an update after it is all over.

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms. Heart..

What a brilliant move.. separate rooms in mediation. That's a GREAT idea.

Down the line, which would you want more in your life... fuming at his injustice or focusing on your life. Have you read "Not 'Just' Friends"? A section in that book about forgiveness changed my perspective on the big picture of divorce.

It's always so much easier to get riled at the interloper, the other partner. The true culprit is your spouse. The more you blame 'her', him the greater a victim you become. You can do that, might even need to do that.. but let yourself go through the stages of grief rather than getting stuck.

Put your incredible soulful, loving, caring, postive energy into YOU. Be your best friend.

Walk tall, beautiful Heart. You're worth it.

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Ah, thank you for your lovely words Gypsy. I KNOW in my heart that I need to forgive him for MY sake. I just dont know who to do it while in the midst of negotiating D. The anger I have is helping me to keep strong and fight for what is right instead of roll over because I have been beat down. Once the D is final, I plan on working on forgiving him completely....just not ready to do it yet.

So, I wanted to share my mediation expirience with you. Black clouds of smoke are pouring out of my ears from anger! Here is the thing.....we just spent 3 hours and got NOTHING resolved. She (the mediator) wanted to get the entire picture of our situation before truly discussing any terms....ok, fine, but when it came time to start to talk about terms, OEO only wanted to discuss how I was no longer going to let him into the house after the new year. So back and forth she went, each time saying hard hard it was on her to have us in seperate rooms. Too F 'ing bad. I dont know HOW many times I tried to explain that is was for my emotional health and physical health to have it this way. WHen she started talking with me at the begining of mediation she began by saying, "Last time you where here, you were living in Columbia, MO with your brother. It appeared that you had stolen your son away from OEO." I was taken aback for a moment and then said, "Um, Susan, I had cancer and moved in with my family so they could help take care of me since OEO was not will to do so. I went to great lenghts to make sure that OEO got to see our son for regular visitation and more." Can you see where this is going????



This is how my day went: First, he demanded that things stay the same with me leaving the home on his nights and weekend visitations......um, NO. Then she kept trying to say that it was his house too and that she has negotiated D's where one spouce live upstairs and the other in the basement until the D is final.....um, not goiing to happen. She kept trying to tell me that because the money was so tight that he could not afford to have his own place, I should let him have his visitations at the house.....I said he made his bed he can live in it. Besides, he DOES have a home, he chose to live with maggot. I told her I know I sound bitter, but that is because I am. You dont face possibly dying alone and just bounce back from that. SHe didnt get it. OEO then wanted me to agree to staying the way things are until APril 1st and then he would take his ENTIRE bonus (around 20,000) and the entire tax return (around 6,000) and set up an appartment. I looked at her and said NO F 'ING WAY! Half of that bonus is MINE to help start a new life with Owen since his POS father abandonded us. I WILL NOT GIVE THAT UP. Besides, he can take HIS half and go set up house with it. She tried to tell me that because OEO was paying for the mortgage technically he was giving me my maintenance which included the bonus amount and that I would be double dipping by taking part of his bonus. Through gritted teeth I said that we will have to agree to disagree on that one because that is not at all how I saw it.



We ended with her complaining once again on how hard seperate rooms are and that things take 2x's as long that way.....o'well.......and then we set up 2 more appointments in Jan. He has her so snowballed. She truly thinks he is a nice guy who is just having a hard time of it. I heard him joking with her and doing his usual shallow charming BS crap. Here I am trying to just be fair but feeling like she is already on his side. I told her there were things that I was more than willing to negotiate on, but this just was not one of them. Me and my son had to live with my friends and family for awhile, now it is OEO's turn. OEO can take him to his bro's house for his visitation, he can go and do fun things with Owen on his week night visitiations, he can stay at a hotel and pay for it out of the joint account, he can stay at his friend Chris and Tara's even. THey all have offered, these are all valid options. But nope, that is not what he wants to do. She then had the nerve to sit there and tell me he is trying to be a really good dad and shelter my son not only from the D, but from maggot as well. I could have jumped across the table and strangled her at that point.



At least I did not have to look at OEO at all. That really helped to keep me strong. I got to be angry, I got to cry and I got to just FEEL any emotion that I had without worrying about looking weak, or controlling or like a b!tch. The next time she complains I am going to say, "Susan, you can see that mediation is the way we both want to go on this. I am sorry you are not comfortable with how it is set up. If you like, we can find someone else who is more open to negotiating our terms in this manner." That will either shut her up or we will get a new mediator. I did find out that OEO wants me to put the house on the market in Jan.....again, not going to happen. I will not do it until late Feb or the begining on March. There is no point. I know I should probably insist on a new mediator, but I am not going to. I am a strong woman who has already talked to my L about what is fair and right. I know how to stand my ground. OEO is truly the weaker one and I can see him folding on many issues if I push them. Who cares what the mediator thinks of me. It only matters about the end game and there is nothing that says I have to sign one god d_mn piece of paper.



So, that is how my day has been so far. One of the things that I did while she was in with OEO was to take out my notebook and write down every reason why I hate him right now and why he is not good for me. I wrote 4 entire pages and was still going when the mediator walked back in. It really helped and it made the entire discussions of the D not scarry or painful. I think I am ready to get it over with. I even slept like a log last night, no fear, no anxiety. It was nice. I am doing pretty good, just gets me hot under the collar when you start to mess with my money. I'm just trying to find as much financial security fo rmy son as possible

[No Longer BH]

NC has been helping me a lot. I can feel some of the anger slipping away and peace returning. I am no longer affraid to get D, which is a huge relief. I am even getting to a place closer to indifference when it comes to OEO. It is so much nicer to be here than where I have been for the last couple of months. I think I was unable to deal with some of my most raw emotions over the summer, so they came crashing in on me. They are finally receeding.

OEO is still very angry with me. I have tried to take the high road and offer a compermise. Even though I do not believe it is fair that I get forced out of my home 2 nights a week and one weekend a month, I decided to cave and let him have it back....mostly. After our disaster of a mediation appointment, he went on a rampage and filed a motion with a L. He started to threaten that he was going to fight me on everything and try to get full custody of our son. He didnt care how much it was going to cost, he just wanted me to suffer.

This is when I offered the olive branch. The exception is that I will only leave one weekend a month every other month AND that I am the one in control of paying the bills and the house payment (so he cant force forecloser on me) AND that he sign a mediation agreement that forces him to try mediation without any threatening motions through L, or he will have to pay all legal fees. So, even though I am givening in, it is a price to him as well. If he choses not to agree, that is fine, I will just hand everything over to my L to fight out and get an order that states he is no longer allowed in the family home.

I do NOT want to fight. I do NOT want to get ugly. I am trying very hard here to compromise even in the face of his bullying and threats. Part of me feels like I should not even give in to letting him stay at the house. After all, if I give him this one, who is to say he wont react the same way on the next issue and just to try and get what he wants. Is it wrong of me to not want him here? I am crazy for just wanting to feel like I have my own place while this is going on? What do you guys think? Should I have stuck to my guns or caved?

[karen43]

Is it wrong of me to not want him here? I am crazy for just wanting to feel like I have my own place while this is going on? What do you guys think? Should I have stuck to my guns or caved?

I don't think so. I don't think you're crazy at all! I think when I go through that next month prob. I want to cave in on all the issues that I don't really care about as much, but there are 1 or 2 issues that I'm going to hold strong about as much as possible. Don't know if that will work, but that's kind of how I parent too. You're kind of flexible about a bunch of stuff, but there are some basic things you just won't let the kids do. Like pick your battles kind of thing. Karen

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms Stalwart Heart..

Wow... I wish I had some of your sass in my situation.

I listened to spouse say he was ready to liquidate the 401K to go to trial and tell a judge why spouse's proposal was more just than the generosity of the Special Masters.

Anger and bitterness can make things so much worse. Think about making a list of what is most important to you and what you're willing to give (hopefully things your spouse really wants).

If your state is like mine, they have basic guidelines they follow as far as settlement goes. Extenuating circumstances can give one party a little edge unless you're willing to go to trial and then you have no idea what the judgment will be.. aside from huge legal fees.

Ask your lawyer what the typical guidelines are, what is considered fair, etc. Look at this realistically, rather than based on a sense of entitlement. I wish I would have known how to settle in June (3 months after he filed for divorce and the end of the 'waiting' period). We still had lots of savings, and an intact 401K. Oops...

But I wasn't there.. didn't get there until just recently.

This is about taking care of you and your son, not anger at your spouse and his personal choices. I couldn't be in the same room with lawyers and spouse without sobbing uncontrollably for an hour (which I later figured out cost $1000 in legal fees... that's a lot of Kleenex!).

Do you want to prove a point or move forward? In the end, it's your financial life dealt out on a table where folks figure out how to divide it in half and/or equitably.

Sucks.. but in the end you get a life back.

*hugs*

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

Lost track of you! The last thing I read was that you were going to get a FB account so you could get up to speed on some of the acronyms.... Found your thread today. I will try and catch up on your sitch.....

I wish you well.

HUGS

Ready Change

[karen43]

BH, Merry Christmas!!! Hope you're having a good one!!! Karen