Gucci's last response... "It means don't let her have her cake and eat it too regarding love and marriage. No romancing her or competing for her love. It just doesn't work. It seems that you still are having a hard time believing that those two are in an affair relationship. At this point, you are always going to lose.
I have been analyzing affairs and relationships for over 20 years. The common thread that I have observed over and over is that the WS doesn't come back until they "feel" the BS has let go and may have moved on. Over and over and over. I have rarely seen them come back while fighting for them. RARELY. It seems to me that if the common thread is that they come back when you finally get go, then it would be wise of you to either "let go" or pretend to let go.
Have you read Kalni's thread? Did you notice when her WS started turning around?
YEP. When she stood up and started to show him that she could care less whether he came back or not. Go read it. She then gave him a list of things she needed from him before she would even think about giving it a chance. (he agreed to do those things)
It also will make YOU feel better about yourself. You can't possibly feel good about yourself if you were to allow your WS to continue to have her lover as her friend. It just won't work.
I think you should become mysterious. Stop all relationship talk. Start going out and having fun on your own and enjoy life. I think you should get a backbone and stop checking their emails and texts. Not because it isn't good for you, but because you have come to the point of.... "WHO NEEDS THIS NONSENSE AND DRAMA?"
When a man has the correct self esteem he does NOT put up with the type of behavior from his wife, girlfriend, women he dates or any woman who can't doesn't show him respect. Men who have success with women realize that fighting for their love DOES NOT WORK. (If it worked, I would tell you to fight for her.)
What works is to let her go and let her see that you are just "perfectly fine without her" and as a matter of fact are enjoying your "single life" to the hilt.
What you do is up to you. I certainly won't lose sleep over it either way. I do know that what I have told you about my observations regarding situations like yours in the past 20 years has shown me over and over that you are only spinning your wheels by "fighting for her."
How should you treat her?
Be nice. Be respectful. Let all things roll off of your back. When she starts acting or talking like a b****ch to you, then politely end the call, or walk out of the room, or tell her you have to go. Let her chase you.
You are for sure caught up in her drama. Maybe you like the drama as much as she does, no? "
Gucci - Thanks for the reponse.
To answer you question about the drama. I don't like the drama but I allow myself to get sucked in emotionally. With the lack of trust I have right now, I feel like I'm being played like a fool or W is trying to play me anyway. When I said to her, "You made your choice, enjoy him", she denied she went back to him. If she was really done, she would have thrown it in my face. The fact she is still hiding shows something is there. Maybe she's doing it because of her mental issues. I guess that's her problem in the end. I know what's going on and can't tell her what to do.
I was reading one of Puppy's old threads and it reminded me of my sitch. Puppy sent off a sappy email (can you believe it!) and he was blasted by old_timer for doing it. It set him back quite a bit with his R.
My ego and pride are in the way of my true feelings and rational thinking. It's been like this for a while. It's like I HAVE to know what's going on. W keeps me in the dark and uses the element of surprise often. I always react to it.
Looking at my threads, I was happiest in late Oct/early Nov when I was getting separation. W said it hurt when I told her I was over her last week. She was beside herself.
After our last argument over A, I have a battle ahead of me on three fronts. 1. Show W changes are real and fight was the exception to the rule. I didn't handle it well. Actually, it was old A in Ohio all over again. If I would have acted as I should have, my request to cut him out MIGHT have been received better. 2. I have to show her that I'm done with the BS and ready to go on. 3. I have a lot of work to do on myself.
Reading Kalni now.
I will fight for my W, myself and our family when she is ready. Right now, I'm fighting for me and our children.
I was reading one of Puppy's old threads and it reminded me of my sitch. Puppy sent off a sappy email (can you believe it!) and he was blasted by old_timer for doing it. It set him back quite a bit with his R.
Where in the hell do you guys think I LEARNED all of this stuff, anyway??? It was by SCREWING UP, getting 2x4'd for it, and learning "OK, I'll never do thatagain!"
If I would have acted as I should have, my request to cut him out MIGHT have been received better.
Nope. This is where you are fooling yourself and taking on too much of the blame. STOP THIS.
She wouldn't cut him out because she still has feelings for him. What you did was the RIGHT THING.
It is time you quit beating yourself up and put the blame where it goes. Are you reading the same texts and emails from those two lovers that I am reading?
Maybe you should find yourself a "friend" huh?
LOL (I know I would for sure)
Sometimes people don't like a taste of their own medicine...
Hold strong. It can't work with him in the picture and at this point you won't win a "who is the better man" battle.
No one here can tell you when "The Time" is to finally give up on your marriage and agree to divorce. I myself had to actually FILE for divorce in order to get my wife's attention, not as a bluff, but as a last resort.
Also, there's a difference between DROPPING THE ROPE and GIVING UP. Sometimes you have to do the former, to avoid having to do the latter. But you CERTAINLY don't have to go along with this if you don't want to!!!
Hi, AinO. I'm sorry if I gave you some bad advice in your last thread. If I understood men or had the right take on things, I probably wouldn't be here.
Stay strong and continue to work on yourself. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you except to say that you will be ok no matter what. I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts.
