Hey A I have been watching all this from afar. Good advice as usual from Gucci and PDT.....
I guess I am on the "why tell them?" what does that serve? Puppy, I get the marketig comment for sure, but in this instance you just cant justify from her POV so she will come off looking bad eventually on her own, yes?
Hey guys, my W accuses me to this day of "control" and I was having a moment of thinking "if this is the big issue and she thinks I dont get it (really, I think she does not know I understand that is her big problem w/ me based on what I have heard from her best friend), I was going to talk to her about it and let her know that I know that this is the big issue" now that I type it, it sounds stupid to do, but thought I would ask, sorry for the Hijack A....
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
CVA - I wouldn't directly say it. Your actions will speak louder than your words.. Your words should be slight... Like when you W says "I'm going out tonight". You can simply respond "Have a good time, call me if you need a ride". Something like that. Or, "call if your going to be too late so I don't wait up for you".
Make sure your tone is spot on and your mannerisms are spot on.
Hey A I have been watching all this from afar. Good advice as usual from Gucci and PDT.....
I guess I am on the "why tell them?" what does that serve? Puppy, I get the marketig comment for sure, but in this instance you just cant justify from her POV so she will come off looking bad eventually on her own, yes?
You lost me, CVA. What it "serves" is that you're being truthful with them, you're hoping they can apply some influence to the situation. In general, I'm in favor of anything that will hasten the ending of an affair, since the longer they go on, the more damage they can do -- emotionally, medically, financially, psychologically.
I was just sitting here becoming uncomfortable about "not doing something to work on my M". Almost like I'm sitting her waiting time doing other things. It was at the top of my priority list. Then, I caught myself. I have all this time to do something else. Stuff that will benefit ME. I finished my budget (finally back to break even) and created my Christmas list.
I'm feeling the weight being lifted off my shoulders by not concerning myself with W or M or OM. I'm one of those types that get obsessive about fixing issues and can't rest until it's resolved or fixed (part of our M problems). I realized I FIXED MY PART. I can't show her that I will non-controlling and emotionally involved until she lets go of OM. I can't do a damn thing until she takes a step.
It's the classic two front battle. You can win on one front but still lose the battle. There is nothing I can do about the other front (OM) than disappear and make myself appealing. I can do that!!!!! Just go out and do what I want to do.
Hey guys, my W accuses me to this day of "control" and I was having a moment of thinking "if this is the big issue and she thinks I dont get it (really, I think she does not know I understand that is her big problem w/ me based on what I have heard from her best friend), I was going to talk to her about it and let her know that I know that this is the big issue" now that I type it, it sounds stupid to do, but thought I would ask, sorry for the Hijack A....
Depends where you are at in this process. Early on right after the "bomb" it would be something you want to consider bringing up ONCE and ONCE only. Your signature line looks as if your bomb happened longer ago, so your situation would be different.
Here is my take:
NEVER TRY TO CONTROL ONE THING SHE DOES OR SAYS EVER AGAIN.
PERIOD
If she does at some point say that you "are controlling or trying to control her", then quickly default to the standard agreement principle so that it difuses her.
"You are right WS. I do see that I try to control you sometimes. I'm wrong for doing that."
That is it... Agree. Apologize Be sincere. Move on and no pouting.
It works. Time and again. She feels heard. She feels validated. That is your goal. To help her to FEEL validated.
I have yet to see it serve any man much good when he says much of anything to defend himself. It is a waste of time to try to reason with her if she FEELS what she says she feels.
After that...
Back to..
NEVER TRY TO CONTROL ONE THING SHE DOES OR SAYS EVER AGAIN.
PERIOD
Not to worry. They KNOW, when you have stopped trying to control them.
Originally Posted By: mulesqb Hey A - Is that her idea of taking care of her children - dropping them off at her sister's?? What do the kids get out of that? Sounds like all she wants to do is get the kids out of her hair so she can do things. Is that accurate?
Quote:
Bingo Mules! Keep in mind, OM hates kids! That plus she is trying to keep a secret. She'll need a sitter for Saturday night as well because her company holiday party on Saturday.
These are things I would hope you see are just fueling this "control" issue.
Stop this talk. It is a controlling state of mind. It is a critical state of mind. Drop it. Drop this control. This is part of your issue. Nip it in the bud at all directions. This fuels control ideas and is not one bit of good to your state of mind...
It is things like this that make women feel controlled.
"Water off a duck's back" is the attitude to take.
Do what you want with your life.. Let her do the same...
Now get back to happy, carefree,"Mr.Never Control My Wife Again"...... nosiree... NEVER
I don't think much of that complaint. I'm really not even sure it bears working on (that much). The ONLY time I hear about how someone is controlling is when there is someone else or the spouse is otherwise leaving. When you dig your heels in about them going out to the bar nightly, you are controlling. When you don't want them chatting with the person they are cheating with, you are controlling.
I heard how I was controlling too. Know what? I've changed nothing in that regard, and since my wife came back, I've heard nothing about "controlling". I think the reason why is that there is controlling in any relationship, if you look at it hard enough. My wife bugging me to get a haircut or pick up my shoes could be construed as controlling. Me saying, "don't be too late", could be controlling. Obviously if you want control over every aspect of your spouses life then it's too much...but the "controlling" I see mentioned by the WAS is not something to work on. It ISN'T too much to ask that your spouse not cheat on you. It isn't too much to expect they won't screw some other guy/girl. THat's not controlling, that's fidelity.
Off my soapbox about the b.s. that is controlling.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 12/10/0809:11 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
W's definition of controlling aside, I see that I do put too much pressure on W in terms of challanging her thoughts/feelings. That's a good way to put it.
W just called 4 straight times. I finally answered and she chewed on me for about 5 differnt things. I joked w/ her and it all rolled off my back. I really didn't care who pissed in her Cheerios. I'm sure she wants to blame me for it anyway. But who cares.
W says that babysitter is having a party next Friday. I asked if it was something she planned on going to. W said, yah if you want me to be there. Is family stuff a good idea or is disapearing a better option? I would prefer to disapear at this point.
I just chuckle now. She is everywhere. Anyway, I told her I had a booked one day next weekend and will have to let her know.
