Sorry about your current state of the R. Have FAITH that it will get better. Remember that it only takes ONE PERSON (YOU) to change the dynamics of a relationship. This process has taught me PATIENCE. I have learned how to truly FORGIVE others. I can feel EMPATHY for others (WIFE). When others (WIFE) PROJECT there garbage (Anger etc....) on me, I have learned not to reflect it back, rather I LISTEN and VALIDATE. I have accepted that everyone needs to walk their own path, and right now, my W is walking her path without me. My happiness is not dependent on anyone but ME. Passing out what I want to receive is working great. The more KINDNESS I pass out, the more I receive.
I ask these questions many times a day: 1) Is what I am about to do or say going to draw this person (spouse) closer or push them farther away? Make your choice wisely. 2) Is the decision I am about to make in the best interest of my kids? If it is, then the decision is good for ME. 3) Has this method worked in the past? If not, do something different, maybe a 180....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready -- good pull! I hadn't seen that one, but now that I've read it I'm going to second your endorsement. Mandatory reading for all new DB'ers and everyone else who's losing sight of the road ahead.
To quote that great philosopher, Rocky Balboa, "it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward."
Think of the ball as your relationship now. You want to keep the ball in play, keep your W wanting to play and you controlling your play to the best of your ability. Get your groove back. You can't control your opponent but you can control yourself.
What you have to start to wrap your head around is that there are ways to be a man, and to "fight for" your marriage without fighting WITH, your wife, nor appeasing her either.
There are ways to fight and not pursue.
I was given a very simple rule to follow, by another poster on these very boards, and it served me well:
Rather than worrying about how my wife would react to something, and how her reaction would make ME feel (my normal nature -- very enmeshed and co-dependent, and a big conflict-avoider), I instead asked myself:
"What is the RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
And then I'd do that. And if I found that I didn't have the COURAGE to do that, I prayed for the courage. And if I didn't have the PATIENCE,, or the LOVE to do it, I prayed for that.
And I prayed for wisdom and discernment every morning, and for God to send people across my path to help me do the right thing.
And I was amazed that He always did.
You can do this.
Puppy
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I took a deep breath to keep from crying, and said, “DH, I am willing to make every effort to work things out between us. I believe, in my heart that with hard work and help from God, we can make this marriage work and be even better than it was before. But, I am realistic enough to know that I can not control what you do and say, I can only control me. But know this, I will fight you tooth and nail to protect my kids from living with the pain and hurt and sense of abandonment I have lived with for the past 25 years. He said, I know you will. I said know this, too. As much as I want us to work things out, I will not live in a marriage with three people. The kids and I will get along without you and I am prepared to cut you out of our lives to protect them from being hurt any more than they already have been. There will always be a place in our lives for you, but we have to get on with our lives for now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Really, that's interesting. I will take it into consideration. Ok, hmmm. That's something to think about. Really? I'm sorry you feel that way. Possibly, but I need to see what my L thinks first. I will need time to think about all this. Have a nice weekend!"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I read a quote that said it best "EXPECTATIONS ARE PREMEDITATED RESENTMENT". It's ok to have healthy expectations, but in a R to expect our partners to do something without telling them is called "mind-reading" and I've yet to see that work.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
