AGAIN... Who needs this? Make it simple. Stay happy. Don't share. Let her come to you. Be nice. Be decisive. Be confident. Don't pursue. Don't talk about the relationship. Use humor.
I hear what your saying Gucci. My cousin was just giving me a view of his cause/effect expertise.
Alot of your quote is in my cousins reasoning. He just goes way in dept.
I haven't been posting much over here lately. Your thread has been super active and at times it been difficult to even keep up. I don't like to post when I'm not informed and up to date on the sitch.
So... I'm not sure how this post will be received, but it seems like the advice you've been getting for the last few weeks has been very... hmmm... not sure how to characterize it. Something like "hawkish"... You know: "Be a strong man and ignore her... she'll fall right into line if you do that".
In my opinion, you had an opporitunity to move your R forward a few weeks ago, but adopted a very hard line around: "OM must totally be removed from your life before anything happens". I agree with your cousin on this. You put such a huge boundary in place so quickly that she just couldn't accept it. She is looking for affection and a huge boundary like that comes off like a steel wall.
I don't believe in 'pursuit'. But let's talk about that for a minute. When I look at LRT, 'no pursuit' means:
1. Don't talk to wife about R when she doesn't want R. 2. Don't look desperate (ever), but especially when talking R. Don't grovel.
But I think there is a place for strong, confident 'overtures' to the WAS when she signals her readiness. Good lord, your wife was talking reconcilliation. She was clearly ready.
The WAS is messed up. You need to be willing to accept some imperfections to get a start. If you require that WAS is 'healed' and 'fixed' before you even start a relationship, you will never start a relationship.
So here is my advice:
I would <not> recommend an overture to your wife right now. She is being all pissy, aggressive and kind of nasty right now. If you move towards her while she is acting like that, you will just train her that she should act nasty.
However, your wife will cycle. Something will happen. She will have a falling out with OM. Or the holidays will get to her. Or her hormones will get to her. Or she will just randomly switch.
So, the betting man in me says that you will get another window of opporitunity sometime before Christmas. Your wife will cycle into a calmer, more receptive state. She will extend an olive branch at some point.
When this happens, you need to be ready and move towards her. No weak pursuit. But confident, PMA-based interactions. Don't let her treat you like a doormat... but don't put hardcore boundaries in place that extinguish the fire either.
I don't believe anything I've said is against DB principals. LRT says not to pursue, it doesn't say: 'become a male chaevenist pig and power move the WAW into submission'.
I agree with your cousin on most things, except that it is over. I do not think it is. She was actively talking reconcilliation just a few weeks ago. It's not too late.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I don't believe anything I've said is against DB principals. LRT says not to pursue, it doesn't say: 'become a male chaevenist pig and power move the WAW into submission'.
I agree with your cousin on most things, except that it is over. I do not think it is. She was actively talking reconcilliation just a few weeks ago. It's not too late.
TG,
Where was A advised to be a chauvenist pig and power move his WAW into submission?
And why is it wrong for a man to insist that his wife end an affair before he's willing to work on reconciliation? I think that's just good common sense, and I think his wife's strong reactions indicate that her offer wasn't sincere.
It's kind of a catch 22. Our M issues is that I was controlling, tried to change her and "didn't let W be W". That being said, any boundery would scare W off. Add in the arguement and it's not a good recipe.
I just need to reread my threds, emails and texts. See what worked and if I can live with that.
I feel pretty detached so I might not get around to that for a few days.
It's kind of a catch 22. Our M issues is that I was controlling, tried to change her and "didn't let W be W". That being said, any boundery would scare W off. Add in the arguement and it's not a good recipe.
I just need to reread my threds, emails and texts. See what worked and if I can live with that.
So long as you have a clear, accurate, and practical definition of "worked." I would contend that fully 75% or more of the folks on these boards define it improperly, and look for (and respond to) the wrong, even counterproductive, things.
