Twas the night before Christmas, the ship was out steaming, Sailors stood watch while others were dreaming. They lived in a crowd with racks tight and small, In a 80-man berthing, cramped one and all.
I had come down the stack with presents to give, And to see inside just who might perhaps live. I looked all about, a strange sight did I see, No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand, On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land. They had medals and badges and awards of all kind, And a sober thought came into my mind.
For this place was different, so dark and so dreary, I had found the house of a Sailor, once I saw clearly. A Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone, Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the room squared away, This was the United States Sailor today. This was the hero I saw on TV, Defending our country so we could be free.
I realized the families that I would visit this night, Owed their lives to these Sailors lay willing to fight. Soon round the world, the children would play, And grownups would celebrate on Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each day of the year, Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here. I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, On a cold Christmas Eve on a sea, far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees and started to cry. The Sailor awakened and I heard a calm voice, "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice.
Defending the seas all days of the year, So others may live and be free with no fear." I thought for a moment, what a difficult road, To live a life guided by honor and code.
After all it's Christmas Eve and the ship's underway! But freedom isn't free and it's sailors who pay. The Sailor says to our country "be free and sleep tight, No harm will come, not on my watch and not on this night.
The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still, I watched as the Sailor shivered from the night's cold chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night, This guardian of honor so willing to fight. The Sailor rolled over and with a voice strong and sure, Commanded, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas, and All is Secure!"
***************************************************************** The story to date:
As of my last thread (number 21), I am now legally able to consume alcohol
The lock fairies are running around the boards. I also noticed that SG has moderator under her name again. HHHHMMM does that mean she is back??
I know I have not been around that much and I do apologize to those that are hunting me down and talking to me. I am reading, I am not ignoring, but I am spending a lot of time thinking and praying.
Ian, I felt the 2x4 and I get it. I know I am strong enough to stand on my own. I can survive if my marriage were to end, but I am not giving up on it, either. My house has never been cleaner with just me taking care of it, I am more organized for school, I am getting discipline issues in hand (that is taking longer than I would like), and I am generally happy most of the time. I am spending time with friends I have made at church, I have a PJ party planned for the weekend, and I have plans for working out more after the holidays, when things settle down a bit. I have found some new babysitters and am working on having one come in a couple hours a week--just so I can have time for me.
D9 is doing well and I am confident God will give me the grace to continue to deal with the intricacies of her diagnosis. D17 is calling and coming over the house. She also wants to spend Christmas Break here.
I am grateful for all of my friends, RL and virtual. I am blessed to have four relatively healthy children, I am blessed to be healthy myself. My cars run, my house is warm, and my cat still likes me. My faith is deepening and I give thanks to My Heavenly Father for all the blessings he has bestowed on my life, as well as the challenges. It is through tackling these challenges that I truly know the wonder of God's grace and mercy and honestly appreciate all that I have, knowing that He is taking care of me.
I love my husband. I believe I always will. I always knew that if something were to happen to him, that I would be content to be a widow for the remainder of my life, as I have known true love in my marriage and have no desire to look elsewhere for more. Thinking of my DH fills my heart with joy still, as I can remember both the good and the bad and cry equally for both, not in mourning but in gratefulness for all he has brought to my life to make me the woman, wife, and mother that I am today.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I have been trying to keep BobbiJo's spirits up over in piecing. Maybe stop by there and see how she is. Mikey is there. Plus while you are over that way you could leave me a little note of ..encouragement or anything of your choosin. Funny stuff. Scripture . Just a message would be nice.
You and crissy are cool. But you both are also real busy (as I should be) and so I miss you guys.
Thinking of my DH fills my heart with joy still, as I can remember both the good and the bad and cry equally for both, not in mourning but in gratefulness for all he has brought to my life to make me the woman, wife, and mother that I am today.
and that is part of the tightrope the LBS walks..when you forget about the "good" in them that is when you are in danger of becoming a WAS..
so Mikey's advice for the day, continue to hold on to both good and bad and hope that the good wins out in the end for both you and H..whatever that good may be.
BTW..looks like the bandage and alcohol swab helped the injury from Ian..your head seems much better today
So did the large glass of wine I drank that night.
yes..through all this I've discovered the medicinal properties of wine..I had never drank it before..Kim and her family found great pleasure and jocularity in the fact that I was not a "wine drinker"..
SMW - I'm so excited to have someone to decorate with tonight! I actually think that knowing you will be doing the same will help me immensely!!! I can put aside all the memory-laced ornaments and only put up the ones that I can bear to look at now. Thank you so much sis!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
what is the "actually ...." . I believe that preface to your remark was far from necessary.
Turn about is fair play. I know how to dish the stuff out so ...
Although I will always put a .."Ha HA ha" or "LOL" in their to be clear and you did not. Hhhmmmmmm?!.:
okay now, YOU were the one who said you weren't sure if you were making any sense silly. I was simply stating that you were wrong and that you were actually in fact making a lot of sense.
and yes, you do bruise easy. lol
SMW,
Ian pointed out some great things at the end of your last thread.
How was the decorating? Get it all done? I actually got mine up fairly early this time! Are the kids excited for Christmas? Any fun programs they are in at church or school? Our church is doing a family program tomorrow night, and my son and I get to say the beginning and ending prayers. Luckily it is written down, so we just have to read them! and hopefully my s4 will say Amen at the end..we'll see.
make a good week!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I am not quite finished with the decorating. Only the bottom third of the tree is finished--that is as high as D5 and S3 can reach. Mishka and I are going to decorate our trees "together" this evening. D9 did not want to help with the tree, although she did decorate my mom's. She said that it did not feel like Christmas without Daddy here.
None of the kids want to answer their emails--DH did not call them over the weekend like he told them he would and they are all angry about it. I tried explaining that Daddy cannot always get a line out to call, but when you are 3, the intricacies of OPSEC escape you!
Got an email from him on Sunday that was kind of snippy--I get the feeling that the holidays are wearing on him. Got another one today. I do not want to email him and say that the kids do not want to write him right now.
We are busy busy here. D9 sang at the PTA last night with the choir at the elementary school. D17 was supposed to perform last night and tonight with the HS choir, but hurt her ankle and is not allowed to stand at all. D9 and D5 are both in a performance at church on Sunday--both services. D9 has a rather large speaking part and had it all memorized the first week she got the lines. they are both stars in a kids musical called Three Wee Kings.
Tomorrow is the Church Christmas Party, my church group is having a party Friday night, PJ party this weekend, deliver food boxes early Saturday for the church, then lots of shopping Saturday afternoon and evening. In laws will be up Christmas Day to see the kids again, ALL the kids will be home Christmas Eve night, my mom's Holiday party on the 27th and my favorite cousin will be here for that. New Years Eve Party with church group.
I will keep busy through the holidays, anyway.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I guess you are only in your element when you are kept really busy constantly. That plus taking pot-shots at red-heads ..have you done any of that over hear on your's. I will have to check. Crissy knows that I bruise real easy.Very sensitive here. And DH's ears must be ringin to with remarks like that from you ..."red-headed step child".
Jimmy Zorn thinks so highly of himself, huh? Self-esteem issues or what? Is the axe gonna fall on him after just one season. What's the rub down South there? What are they sayin?
Good night Sis. I will be praying for the Lord's grace and mercy to get me through these holidays. I can't stand the thought of not having her on my arm for atleat a portion of them. SHe stood me up on T-giving. Probably going to do it again. I love my parents and all but if I am not blessed with being with my W than it will probably be solo 4 me.
Not that I haven't wondered about it in the back of my mind before, but the notion that a component of her instability and tsunami like shifts in mood could be attributable to the tumor in her head ..does not escape me. She just leaves well enough alone when it comes to that.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I love the faith that you have, I am working on mine. It was actually my strongest gift when I did a spiritual gifts inventory about 7 years ago....it's just been dented a little lately..
I love what you said about still having joy when you think of your H. So many people don't get how I can still love him after all the bad. I guess b/c I choose to focus on the good...
You are still amazing. Of course you still love your H, he is your H after all. Those that don't understand that never make it to this board. We understand. I hope you have an incredible Christmas with your darling children.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
This was sent to one of the other spouses from her husband, also stationed aboard DH's ship. I love it! ****************************************************************** Quote of the day:
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh!t.
I love the faith that you have, I am working on mine. It was actually my strongest gift when I did a spiritual gifts inventory about 7 years ago....it's just been dented a little lately..
I love what you said about still having joy when you think of your H. So many people don't get how I can still love him after all the bad. I guess b/c I choose to focus on the good...
You are a wonderful model for us all
BobbiJo--
Your faith may be getting a bit dinged up, but I believe, in my heart, that God is working mightily in Dan, hence all of his wavering and struggling. When people question how I can love DH, I tell them that they are looking at him with the world's eyes. I have chosen to look at him like God sees him. I sometimes lose that focus and get frustrated with my DH and his actions, but when I give it back in prayer, God opens my eyes again. Trust in our Father, he will always reveal the truth.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
You are still amazing. Of course you still love your H, he is your H after all. Those that don't understand that never make it to this board. We understand. I hope you have an incredible Christmas with your darling children.
Peter--
You are such an inspiration to me! You also always show up just when I need you! Everytime I peek in on your sitch, my heart overflows with joy for you, your wife, and your family. I hope you have a wonderful holiday, you so deserve it! I am looking forward to celebrating a Christmas with my children that keeps the focus right where it needs to be--firmly on the gift that God so graciously gave us--His Son, Jesus Christ.
"For God so loved the World that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in Him will have eternal life." John 3:16
Such a simple verse, one that is the first that every child learns to memorize in Sunday School. A simple verse that is the nutshell of who we are in Christ. I recently read, and am re-reading, Max Lucado's book, 3:16 and now am only beginning to see the true depth of the love the Lord has for us, his children. I HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
When people question how I can love DH, I tell them that they are looking at him with the world's eyes. I have chosen to look at him like God sees him.
You can not re-iterate this point enough. Certainly for me anyway. Not like I don't know this. But putting it into practice is something that can now receive the real focus that it is due. Thanks so much Sis. I needed to hear that.
I like the way you said that, you look at your H through God's eyes. I am sure we do a lot of things that make Him sad or disappointed, but He loves us just the same...
Hey Sis. Yeah, I still love him with everything I have, but right now............... we are TBD. I am shattered and relying on the good Lord to hold me.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Oh and how do you import a quote box when the quote you are grabbing is coming from another thread? Have yet to figure that on out.
you'll just have to copy and paste. then type the following before the quote
Originally Posted By: someonesnamehere
and type the following after the quote
that's how I do it anyways.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
That was a wonderful statement, about looking at people through God's eyes.
there's a song out there... Give me your eyes so I can see...
Quote:
D9 sang at the PTA last night with the choir at the elementary school. D17 was supposed to perform last night and tonight with the HS choir, but hurt her ankle and is not allowed to stand at all. D9 and D5 are both in a performance at church on Sunday--both services. D9 has a rather large speaking part and had it all memorized the first week she got the lines. they are both stars in a kids musical called Three Wee Kings.
These kinds of things really makes me feel that D9 is in the wrong environment at school. She sounds very intelligent, and she could very well be underachieving gifted. This is what our gifted teacher called my s10. It is difficult with these kids because they do not strive in the public school environment. they need to be challenged and need more one on one, and they love to debate/argue. oh, boy does my son like to argue.
have you talked with the school about those ideas someone gave you a while back?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Got an email from DH this morning that really upset and angered me.
Quote:
SMW,
I know you probably don’t want to email me, but what about the kids? Did you show them the email I sent to them? Are you guys going to be home on Saturday so I can call or would Sunday be better?
DH
I have bent over backwards in an attempt to facilitate his relationship with the kids. Up until last week, he made NO effort to contact them via email and he has not talked to them on the phone in over a month.
After venting, raging, praying, and typing a couple of poison pen emails, I have settled on the following response:
Quote:
DH--
I read the kids the emails that you sent them and have asked them several times if they want to email you back. They always say "later". I know prior to the weekend, they said they would just talk to you on the phone when you called.
It is not that I do not want to email you, however you have made it abundantly clear in the past couple of months that you do not want to chat. If you ask me questions, I answer them. In the future, I will acknowledge all emails with an "okay", so you know that I have received them.
The kids are spending Friday night with My sister and will be busy all day Saturday with her and their cousin, I have plans with friends for the weekend, and we will not be home until late afternoon on Sunday--after 5pm.
SMW
Good enough?
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thanks Amy! And Thank you for talking me down from my anger so that I could stop and focus and keep from sending the poison email. You and Crissy were both awesome and I cannot thank you enough.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Frig..my fault on not telling you about the new thread..My mind is wandering to other things involving hair cuts..and not shoplifting..
Ok..the email..first off his email is filled with Drama and has damness all over it in that first sentence...
I like your response..I also like the fact you eluded to plans with "friends" and I would leave it at that even if he questions it..I would be a mysterious individual right now and see how he reacts..he's in a spot where he could really go crazy wondering what you are doing and he can't do jack squat about it..unless he's a really good swimmer and I'd say he's a pretty good one..but he ain't that good
Being a Bills fan would be worse than sticking hot pokers in my eyes--much like it must be for you to watch them play!
you know whats bad? i'm used to it. after "wide right", the lost helmet, homerun throwback, hull's foot in the crease (had to throw a sabres game in there), it's par for the course. LOL.
you did good with your H by the way. Your response was very direct and to the point. My bet is that he's starting to get it.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Perfect SMW!!!! I would have hit send so quickly on the poison version that he would have been dead instantly!!! Good for you in not doing that. Very controlled and mature.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Good job!! Doesnt it feel good to have done the "right" thing and not fall in his "drama" trap? I bet he has second thoughts about how he wrote that email and what he was trying to start with it. Respect... I love that word. xxx K
Oh and how do you import a quote box when the quote you are grabbing is coming from another thread? Have yet to figure that on out.
you'll just have to copy and paste. then type the following before the quote
Originally Posted By: someonesnamehere
and type the following after the quote
that's how I do it anyways.
Hey Crissy thx
I was thinkin maybe there was some wiz bang way to get that done ..guess not.
T- minus 7 days til we mark that day of the arrival of our baby Jesus. "Hark, the herald angels sing ... glory to the newborn King ..." How very special, year in and year out.
Got an email from DH this morning that really upset and angered me.
Quote:
SMW,
I know you probably don’t want to email me, but what about the kids? Did you show them the email I sent to them? Are you guys going to be home on Saturday so I can call or would Sunday be better?
DH
I have bent over backwards in an attempt to facilitate his relationship with the kids. Up until last week, he made NO effort to contact them via email and he has not talked to them on the phone in over a month.
After venting, raging, praying, and typing a couple of poison pen emails, I have settled on the following response:
Quote:
DH--
I read the kids the emails that you sent them and have asked them several times if they want to email you back. They always say "later". I know prior to the weekend, they said they would just talk to you on the phone when you called.
It is not that I do not want to email you, however you have made it abundantly clear in the past couple of months that you do not want to chat. If you ask me questions, I answer them. In the future, I will acknowledge all emails with an "okay", so you know that I have received them.
The kids are spending Friday night with My sister and will be busy all day Saturday with her and their cousin, I have plans with friends for the weekend, and we will not be home until late afternoon on Sunday--after 5pm.
SMW
Good enough?
SMW
More than good enough. Great.
I should expect no different from an incredibly special Sis who does not strive after her own way but rather after the Way of our Lord. Even if it takes some nudging from others in the body of Christ. Afterall, that is what He gaves us each other for.
Ok, funny thing....T, I had just gotten to the end of your post quoting "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and guess what is on the radio right now.....you guessed it!! Just struck me as strange/funny!
Last edited by mishka422; 12/18/0810:38 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey, SMW! Just saw your post to my thread, and it looks like I'm late! Sorry.
I like your response to DH's email. It's to the point . However, I do feel a little differently where others have referred to DH's feelings as "drama". Drama or no drama, they are his feelings. This is something I have to remind myself about whenever I am dealing with my own H's feelings and the "pity parties" he throws for himself. If I don't address his feelings, then in some way aren't I invalidating him, too?
Just something to think about.
And I was also wondering - when the kids say they will get back to DH "later", do they?
Is there a limit to how many emails can be sent to DH? If not, could the kids maybe send him a short note every day (or every other two or three days) to talk about at least one good thing that's happened for them? At school, at home, at the playground, at dinner...?
I know it seems like he should be the one doing most of the initiating, but what if you could get the kids to start doing this? What if it helped? What if it really is as you've told the kids...that Daddy can't always get through. I think he's missing his family.
JMO.
(((((((SMW)))))))
Last edited by GoingForward; 12/19/0812:12 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GoingForward, I am somewhat on your side of the fence regarding this.
IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other, albeit he started it first.
So I told SMW I was glad that she has chosen to respond to his emails, as I think it is the polite and courteous thing to do, and I would expect, or like my H to do the same to me. Or anyone for that matter.
Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
However, as I mentioned to her in an email, that when I was dealing with my H, I wanted him to see me as happy, having fun, enjoying life, and enjoying him when he was enjoyable, and not letting his action affect me. I wanted him to think that I was capable of going on alone and being just fine and happy without him, but not that I was upset or mad at him. Now he DID know that I did not approve of his A, and in fact I despised his choices, but I wasn't going to let it affect my own happiness. If he wanted to screw up his life, then so be it, I'll be making my own life.
anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
sorry SMW if I wasn't speaking directly to you.
love ya, and you just take my opinions however you want.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other
I totally agree with that.
SMW, I apologize if my post might've made you feel as if I were invalidating you. That was never my intention. I guess I was just a little more focused on your DH's feelings after reading his e-mail to you because like ST, I did not think it was bad either, and I was trying to show you what I thought/think is an issue for DH - not hearing from the kids (and possibly even you).
Quote:
Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
I suppose I was under the wrong impression then. I figured since that's what she wrote, those were her feelings and she must have wanted him to know. Otherwise, why would she write and send that email?
I also understand her frustration, though, of feeling like she's doing/done all that she can and is not receiving much, if anything, in return. Unfortunately, it is the cycle as you've pointed out. Now....how to break it???
Quote:
anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
It makes a lot of sense to me. BTW, not sure if it was directed towards me, but I never suggested that SMW go dark. IMHO, when her DH is clearly reaching out in his e-mail that he'd like to hear from them, I don't think going dark is the answer at all.
SMW, along with the kids, could you still send him e-mails, letters, etc every now and then to let him know how things are going at home? And not expect him to reply? At least not right away? I completely understand that you feel like you're already doing everything where the M is concerned and DH's actions/words frustrate you, sometimes to no end...I know the feeling all too well....but right now, you are the one here, sweetie. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but this is where we are, and we are here by our own choices.
Hang in there.
(((((SMW)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse. SMW, you are not the first to deal with this so lets just approach it this way. The fact of the matter is, you should respond to his emails, even if they are curt.
His email was pretty basic, guilt you into thinking it's you who doesn't want to talk... whatever. Your response, not really the approach I would take.
You don't have to tell him how you are going to respond even to acknowledge his emails. Then it becomes on purpose and gives him a safety net for emailing you. Well, fuckkk that. He emails you some bullshitt, you answer it honestly and straighten his asss out.
This is exactly what I was talking about in my last post to you. You must find your own way and become a functioning unit on your own. This "language" that he uses when he emails you wouldn't bug you nearly as much if you were more focused on yourself. It would slide off your back and you would simply ignore it.
As far as the kids go and them reading his emails, quit defending yourself. You have nothing to defend. You read the emails to y our kids, they choose not to respond. Stop defending it to him. Your kids will answer those questions themselves at some point. You are doing your job as their mother and have absolutely nothing to defend. He's not there, he has no clue what you are or are not doing and his assumptions are his problem not yours.
Defocus from him SMW, the power that you are giving him over your feelings and emotions is only hurting one person.....YOU....
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
SMW, I recently read an article on invalidation (of one's feelings), and these two statements stick with me - 1)"When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities," and 2)"Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real."
Even though you are right, stating the facts of the matter can be invalidating, even when it's completely unintentional. When a person is expressing their feelings about an issue, telling them 'let's look at the facts' or 'here are the facts' is like telling this person that he/she is wrong for feeling the way they do.
It's intriguing to me. I'm learning a lot.
(((((((SMW)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I will say a prayer that your time together is marked with a specialness that only the Lord can produce. May the Holy Spirit fall upon each and every one of you. Cela.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
Well GF, that is what we call sarcasm..... my point was that it is something a lot of people have to figure out how to do. I think SMW probably understands that... What I am trying to express to her is that him being on a ship out at sea is really the same as him leaving the home and she really really needs to take advantage of this time.
I know what it's called, and I am sure SMW does, too.
Still, and it is JMO, every sitch involves feelings, so sarcasm doesn't always help, and perhaps I took this a little personally because your post came right after ST and I were trying to show some understanding towards not just SMW herself, but towards her DH as well. The reference to it being a dilemma seemed as though you were saying a big deal was being made out of nothing.
Feelings are not nothing, and if SMW feels the need to defend herself, whether she really needs to or not, she should be able to do that.
Again, JMO.
(((SMW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes. IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead. Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful? I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes.
I kindly disagree, Ian. I don't think ANYONE makes mountains out of molehills when that person is clearly expressing the distress they feel about their current sitch. It might seem like the solution is very obvious to one person or several people so what's the issue, but for someone else, they might need a little more help and understanding. They might need to hear that some others can relate. They might need validation for their own feelings.
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IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
I don't think it's done intentionally, and telling someone to let go of their sitch is always easy for those of us on the outside.
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My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead.
I don't think ST and I coddled SMW. I think we offered her our opinions along with our compassion for what she is feeling and going through, and for her DH, too.
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Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful?
That was/is your perception of his email to her. I, for one, did not read it that way nor do I think his email is where her focus should be.
I believe she should take his feelings into consideration, address them with perhaps a little more compassion and kindness (they can go a long way), then immediately get back to focusing on her own life.
IMO, it's win-win.
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I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
I agree that freeing one's self from that "hold" is essential to one's own emotional well-being. I also understand what true friendship is and all that it entails, and I do not think anyone here is afraid when it comes to helping one another. So as to some of us stepping up, I think we are doing that. Perhaps it's just in a different way, as you have pointed out , and that's right - it's no biggie. Having differing POVs is what makes each one of us unique and invaluable.
Ok, back to you, SMW!
(((((SMW)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
In answer to Ian's post (which I am sure was well meaning), I have to say that being a Navy wife with small children going through a deployment is a huge challenge even in the best of circumstances. Add to that the fact that she is getting zero support, and actually more pressure added, by her H. Then add the additional stresses of dealing with a developementally delayed child and a teenager going through the throws of rebellion.
Take all this together, and you have a truly rough road to hoe, and she's entitled to have a short fuse every now and again and to have little patience with the "molehills" she is dealing with. But that's JMHO.
Having said that, I will add that I don't mean to 2x4 you too much, Ian. You can't help it. You're just a DAM!!
Take care, ((((((SMW))))))!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I think Ian has a point. And he's not one to give a quick 2x4.
We are all so in awe of SMW, that it doesn't help to give her advice. He is making a good observation....which I'll bet....she'll take his good counsel.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I have no doubt Ian meant well, and he has a definite point in not letting our S have so much power to effect our moods (I am always struggling with that one).
But, we also are encouraged to "vent" here, so I think what is said here is not necessarily what is done openly in RL. So, I'm not sure about the good in telling SMW she is making mountains out of molehills.
And I don't like to give 2x4's either. If someone doesn't like me, it makes me cry! So, Ian, if I offended you I am sincerely sorry! I just wanted SMW to know from a fellow Navy wife and mother of a "special needs" child, that I supported her.
And, actually, just for the record, if I am in awe of anyone, it would be the men on these boards, of whom Ian is one! I am always amazed and heartened when I read posts from these men who are so committed to their families. It gives me hope!
Take care, (((Ian & SG))).
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
look, we all have a right to have our ups and downs. It's going to happen. and IMHO, you are ALL right. SMW is definitely focusing too much on DH (and what is the D for??) because she is letting his actions control her feelings too much. HOWEVER, my reasoning for pointing things out is to usually reveal the other side. There is ALWAYS another side, and we need to realize that. It doesn't always make what they are doing right, but it can at least shine some light on what is happening so that we can understand just a smidgen better which can also help us let go.
Soooo, SMW, I hope your doing okay, I would call but it's almost 11pm. I'm kinda worried, but I know your okay, just probably taking a break.
SMW, you know that we are all hear for you, and I KNOW you know that God is with you every step of your way. It's okay for you to feel bad. You love your H. of course your going to have bad days. As long as you realize it, and you move forward and continue to get up and keep focusing on our Lord and what you need to do...that's what is important. Your not superwoman, although many of us would be shocked if you were not! So, when you find yourself struggling, take a break, do the things that you know work for you to get your mind focused the right way.
I hope that my email had helped. I hope that you will make a good weekend, and that your pastor will have marvelous things to say and God will reveal many things to you thru him.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
HOWEVER, my reasoning for pointing things out is to usually reveal the other side. There is ALWAYS another side, and we need to realize that. It doesn't always make what they are doing right, but it can at least shine some light on what is happening so that we can understand just a smidgen better which can also help us let go.
Exactly, ST. Completely agree with you.
I would like to add that I never disagreed with Ian's advice. I just held issue with some of his choices in words. I did not feel he was devaluing SMW, but I did find some of the comments to be invalidating.
Anyhow, peace!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I would like to add that I never disagreed with Ian's advice. I just held issue with some of his choices in words. I did not feel he was devaluing SMW, but I did find some of the comments to be invalidating.
I just want to clarify that I took no offense to anything said.All is good with me on this.
The bottom line is this for SMW, yes, this is a place for her to vent. This is a place for her to receive patience and understanding. This is a place for people to understand and validate her pain. We all have pain..... However, this is also a place to here constructive criticism. It is also a place where sometimes tough love is practiced. It is also a place where people learn that they have a choice what advice to take and what advice to cast aside.
SMW and I have posted to one another back and forth for months now in different ways. I have a great deal of respect for what she has done and all that she is going through so please do not believe for one minute that I think she is a whiner or am saying she is making to much of this. What happens on these boards sometimes is we watch our friends (of which I consider SMW) and we simply want to help them find happiness. We do not like standing by idly while they suffer. Sometimes we stand up for each other when it is difficult to see while you are in the storm.
SMW, I stand behind what I posted to you and I hope you didnt take it as me not validating you. I feel your pain. I also only want you to be happy and strong. That is what matters to me. I am in no way trying to minimalize your situation, I am just trying to point out some things that I am seeing and have seen over the last few months.
I see that my thread was a little busy while I was out getting a life! LOL
I will post to everyone later. I just got back from taking Amy to the airport. She is an amazing, wonderful woman that I am so proud to call my friend. We had so much fun and it would only have been better if Tawnya had been able to stay, too.
You guys should all be proud of Tawnya, too. She has never driven by herself as far as she did to come to my house. I am sad that she was so sick that she went home, but we did have a lot of fun on Friday night.
Now, my slack butt needs to do the school work I did not do all weekend.
I will respond to all of the fun on my thread later.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
GAL'ing (and in literal fashion this w/e for U)! I wish I knew what that was all about. The silence and loneliness is all consuming right now for me. While I am surely still "going through the motions", I think I am going through the EMOTIONS more than that. I made sure to go to church today and seeing the little ones put on their production was well worth it but I can not shake the sadness right now. It is just too thick to cut through. Dead silence and loneliness. My dog doesn't bark much (though I did recently teach her to "speak" on command) so I am forced to break through the silence with high decibels of RUSH concert music. They have always been my staple..my mainstay and something that lifts my spirits and causes me to smile.
I guess this post should have been on my own. But it is a lonely place also
Guess I will go read the Word and pray here shortly. He has all the answers. I just haven't been willing to submit to Him lately.
Glad to hear that you had a blessed time with the girls!!
Aww {{SMW}} Thank you for the morale boost there..I AM very proud of myself for being able to make it there and back by myself, not getting lost or nothing..just me, my Sirius radio, and my mapquest directions LOL
Hope your school work is getting done and you are having a good night
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I'm so jealous of your get-together!!!! I hope you guys had a lot of fun, I'm sure you did. and I totally meant to mail a little stick figure of me or something funny! darn!
well, smw, I will be waiting to hear how your weekend went, I bet it happened just in the nik of time.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hey, SMW! Just saw your post to my thread, and it looks like I'm late! Sorry.
I like your response to DH's email. It's to the point . However, I do feel a little differently where others have referred to DH's feelings as "drama". Drama or no drama, they are his feelings. This is something I have to remind myself about whenever I am dealing with my own H's feelings and the "pity parties" he throws for himself. If I don't address his feelings, then in some way aren't I invalidating him, too?
Just something to think about.
Duly noted. I am not seeking to invalidate his feelings. He can feel anything he likes, it would just be nice if he thought about someone besides himself once in a while.
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And I was also wondering - when the kids say they will get back to DH "later", do they?
This is the first email he has sent specifically to the kids since he left. I was emailing him regularly about their days and he seemed not to give a crap--no responses, avoiding talking about them, etc.--so I stopped doing it.
Is there a limit to how many emails can be sent to DH? If not, could the kids maybe send him a short note every day (or every other two or three days) to talk about at least one good thing that's happened for them? At school, at home, at the playground, at dinner...?[/quote] This is the first email he has sent specifically to the kids since he left. I was emailing him regularly about their days and he seemed not to give a crap--no responses, avoiding talking about them, etc.--so I stopped doing it. He can receive emails as long as his mailbox is not full.
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I know it seems like he should be the one doing most of the initiating, but what if you could get the kids to start doing this? What if it helped? What if it really is as you've told the kids...that Daddy can't always get through. I think he's missing his family.
JMO.
(((((((SMW)))))))
He honestly really cannot get a phone line out on a regular basis. I felt like sending all of the emails was like heading down a cheeseless tunnel--I did it over and over with no success, so I stopped. The kids do not ever ask to send him emails, I have to prompt them and they do not want to be bothered most of the time. I am not trying to punish him, I just do not want to be bothered right now. I have a lot going on--4 kids and the holidays--you understand I am sure. If he had truly expressed any prior interest in maintaining contact, I certainly would not question it now. Since he didn't, this is where we are.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Yes, I am hitting the books again and want to stay caught up so I can enjoy my break starting Wednesday. I do not have schoolwork again until the 3rd if I am on track. I might even be able to do a little work ahead.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hey Crissy ....get with the program. DH = darling husband
Even I knew that one for about the last few months now anyway.
LMAO
Aren't you so glad that I can at least get a laugh out of poking fun at you
T
AAAAH, gotcha. you can poke fun at me whenever you'd like if it makes you laugh.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think although you were direct, it was vague too.
remember when you said he obviously didn't want to communicate anymore.. or something like that. I think this could be vague. He may have no clue how you came up with that...since he is so caught up in himself and may only be seeing the things your doing to him, not what he's doing to you...
Next time perhaps it would be better to say... "Because I was sending multiple emails about the children and I wasn't receiving responses to most of them I assumed that you were not interested in them so I stopped." Then he knows exactly why.
speaking of the email, has he responded to it?
glad YOUR team had a good day. my team did not. but we're still in the playoffs anyways, and we'll be in the superbowl so it doesn't matter. lol
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Your life should not be dictated by your husband's perceptions of you. Know what? The reality is that divorced people don't send their XW e-mails to read to the kids and expect a response. You pick up the phone and you call them. Your life is not on hold waiting for his next call and e-mail. If it were me, I would stay so busy that I didn't even check my e-mail more than 3-4 days a week and I'd only respond to half of them. That's life. If he has a problem with that...just tell him you've been busy.
As Ian said, you are too worried about what he's thinking or what impact your actions have on him, rather than focusing solely on yourself and your own growth. He's a fully functional adult....if/when he wants to be part of your life, he'll make it clear. If not...still his problem. Take ownership of what you can control.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
phoenix, I would agree except that they are not D yet. he has not filed, and hasn't even talked about it since who knows when. and SMW is under that faith that her M will be saved. So, depending on which direction she's taking, I think it will make a difference on how she chooses to react to him.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
exactly...he's on a ship..his only contact (when he chooses) is via email or phone..I think she should be very mysterious and not tell him what she is doing..let him sweat a bit and wonder what she is up to..what a better time to detach?? he's away..she should be detached beyond detached..this time should be used for her..and the kids..
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
I understand your point. I'm just basing this on my own experience, going thru my sitch and God restoring my M, I did not get my H to respond out of fear. It's not about kissing butt though. she should never be kissing up, but instead IMHO she should show him how great her life is by her actions/words. by her not contacting him except on few occassions and the responses being only to answer him, does not really show him anything except that she's probably upset with him.
Now, I'm not saying this way won't work, I do not know that answer, only God does, but as a Christian wife, I know that God told me to be the best wife I could be and be the best person I could be and to let him go. If he came back, thank God, if not, I would still be okay as God was watching over me.
My reasoning is this. If there still is someone else involved, as we don't know if OW is still contacting DH, then IMHO, it is best for the LBS to look like the better option. The LBS is the small light that guides the WAS out of his fog.
SMW, I really felt things were going good before he left. sure he spent time with OW, so did my H, but he was getting comfortable with you, having fun with you and the kids. That is the beginning. Perhaps God needed H to fall a little longer. Sometimes he allows us to go thru hardships so that we can understand our weakness and that we cannot go thru this without him. Perhaps this time is also for you. To make you stronger, to bring you closer to Him, to bring a closer relationship between you and H.
I will continue to pray for all of you, and that you will make the right choices and receive patience strength and wisdom.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
exactly...he's on a ship..his only contact (when he chooses) is via email or phone..I think she should be very mysterious and not tell him what she is doing..let him sweat a bit and wonder what she is up to..what a better time to detach?? he's away..she should be detached beyond detached..this time should be used for her..and the kids..
I think I'm not getting my point right. I totally agree this is a great time to detach. Yes, she should be mysterious as well as having him believe she's having a great life too. it doesn't mean to spill out everything, but to be elusive. Now if you mean being detach meaning to go dark, I'm not in agreement with that.
SMW, one thing I would take note, is the fact that he inquired on the kids and the emails he sent to them. IMHO, those were good steps. Perhaps you should maintain some consistency as of now to see if things get better or worse.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm with you. I'm not saying go dark either...but grey isn't so bad. She doesn't have to be prompt with her replies to e-mails. But I've always felt that rude isn't the way to go either. Answer the phone, sound sweet and happy, listen, but make it brief without being rude. Little doses of good stuff. BUT (big but here ), if you are doing things right, you won't have a whole lot of time to wait for the next call or e-mail.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
GoingForward, I am somewhat on your side of the fence regarding this.
IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other, albeit he started it first.
So, I am on a Merry -go-round and not a roller coaster? great! They make me completely sick to my stomach I think I prefer the roller coaster.
So I told SMW I was glad that she has chosen to respond to his emails, as I think it is the polite and courteous thing to do, and I would expect, or like my H to do the same to me. Or anyone for that matter.
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Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
I am not done being nice, I am done going out of my way to be nice.
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However, as I mentioned to her in an email, that when I was dealing with my H, I wanted him to see me as happy, having fun, enjoying life, and enjoying him when he was enjoyable, and not letting his action affect me. I wanted him to think that I was capable of going on alone and being just fine and happy without him, but not that I was upset or mad at him. Now he DID know that I did not approve of his A, and in fact I despised his choices, but I wasn't going to let it affect my own happiness. If he wanted to screw up his life, then so be it, I'll be making my own life.
I do not tell him anything that I am doing. He has not expressed any interest in any of it at all since the bomb. Not school, nothing. Even when he was coming over here and I was going out, he never said a word about it, never asking where I was going--he was only worried about when I would be home so he could leave.
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anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
And, since the only person who might say anything to him is his BF, who would hear it from his wife, and BF is on the side of reconciliation, I don't think he would much care to hear it. I do not see my inlaws very often--once a month or so, at most. I do not know that they would say anything to him, since they are non-confrontational and do not want to face teh reality of what is going on.
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Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
Right now, the only time his choices bother me is when I feel like he is jerking the kids around. Last month, when he talked to D5 on the phone, he told her we could all go to Disney World when he gets back. WTH was that?????? Did he mean it or was he just playing along with her to tell her no later? She has been telling everyone that her Daddy said we are going to Disney World when he gets home. I sincerely hope, for everyone's sake, that he meant it.
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sorry SMW if I wasn't speaking directly to you.
love ya, and you just take my opinions however you want.
It is okay. I know you guys are all trying to help me make the best decisions for ME first, then the kids, and ultimately, with God's grace, my M.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other
I totally agree with that.
SMW, I apologize if my post might've made you feel as if I were invalidating you. That was never my intention. I guess I was just a little more focused on your DH's feelings after reading his e-mail to you because like ST, I did not think it was bad either, and I was trying to show you what I thought/think is an issue for DH - not hearing from the kids (and possibly even you).
I do not think you invalidated my feelings and you did give me something to think about. I don't think the email was necessarily bad or good. I just want to know why all the sudden he is even giving a crap. Unfortunately I do not think that is a question he is even capable of answering.
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Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
I suppose I was under the wrong impression then. I figured since that's what she wrote, those were her feelings and she must have wanted him to know. Otherwise, why would she write and send that email?
I also understand her frustration, though, of feeling like she's doing/done all that she can and is not receiving much, if anything, in return. Unfortunately, it is the cycle as you've pointed out. Now....how to break it???
I want some peace right now. The holidays are stressful enough under the best of circumstances. I have a houseful of kids who are constantly talking about "when Daddy comes home" as if it is a foregone conclusion, yet I got an email over a month ago telling me he hopes he is not leading me on. I really just want him to leave me alone right now and let me enjoy the holidays with the kids and my family. I am even resenting my inlaws coming over Christmas Day. I really want to tell them not to, that I just want my family around, but the situation is not their fault and I cannot take it out on them. So, how do I break the cycle?
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anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
It makes a lot of sense to me. BTW, not sure if it was directed towards me, but I never suggested that SMW go dark. IMHO, when her DH is clearly reaching out in his e-mail that he'd like to hear from them, I don't think going dark is the answer at all.
This was the first email like this, GF. If he was that interested in contacting the kids, don't you think he would have started sooner? It has been over a month since the last chatty email I sent him (November 4th, to be exact). Is he reaching out? For what--the home he doesn't want to live in, the kids he walked out on, or the wife he doesn't want to be married to? Took him that long to figure out I was not writing???? I doubt it. He is feeling sorry for himself about being gone for the holidays and needs someone to blame it on. Since he cannot see that HE has created this situation, he has to blame me. No Christmas tree from home, no gifts, no cookies, no fudge. I barely got it together for my kids, why would I go out of my way for someone who no longer appreciates my efforts? The last package I sent him he never even acknowledged receiving until I asked about it, almost two weeks after he got it.
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SMW, along with the kids, could you still send him e-mails, letters, etc every now and then to let him know how things are going at home? And not expect him to reply? At least not right away? I completely understand that you feel like you're already doing everything where the M is concerned and DH's actions/words frustrate you, sometimes to no end...I know the feeling all too well....but right now, you are the one here, sweetie. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but this is where we are, and we are here by our own choices.
Hang in there.
(((((SMW)))))
I could send them, but what if I just don't want to send them? I don't know what to talk about, since he is never interested enough to reply to anything. I don't know what he is interested in hearing about---the kids??? Maybe, but he is not going to want to hear the reality of home--the kids miss him horribly, pray for him to come home safely, talk about all the things we are going to do when he gets home--family things like camping, going to the park, going to the amusement parks, the beach, playing games, watching movies, etc.--the fact that the littles end up sleeping together every night because one or the other is crying from missing Daddy?? Yeah, I am sure that will go over well. Do I bother to tell him about my grades from school, that I have cleared out half the clutter from the garage, that I am remodeling the closet, that I am going to put up shelves in the garage, that I am painting the Master Bath? I doubt he wants to offer me color suggestions for it, since he doesn't live here.
I need to go buy some old plates at the auction to start throwing them, cause I am beyond frustrated with this situation.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse. SMW, you are not the first to deal with this so lets just approach it this way. The fact of the matter is, you should respond to his emails, even if they are curt.
His email was pretty basic, guilt you into thinking it's you who doesn't want to talk... whatever. Your response, not really the approach I would take.
You don't have to tell him how you are going to respond even to acknowledge his emails. Then it becomes on purpose and gives him a safety net for emailing you. Well, fuckkk that. He emails you some bullshitt, you answer it honestly and straighten his asss out.
This is exactly what I was talking about in my last post to you. You must find your own way and become a functioning unit on your own. This "language" that he uses when he emails you wouldn't bug you nearly as much if you were more focused on yourself. It would slide off your back and you would simply ignore it.
As far as the kids go and them reading his emails, quit defending yourself. You have nothing to defend. You read the emails to y our kids, they choose not to respond. Stop defending it to him. Your kids will answer those questions themselves at some point. You are doing your job as their mother and have absolutely nothing to defend. He's not there, he has no clue what you are or are not doing and his assumptions are his problem not yours.
Defocus from him SMW, the power that you are giving him over your feelings and emotions is only hurting one person.....YOU....
Ian
How would you have answered it? Am I supposed to ignore it and act like he is not being an azzz? Why?? He has been an azzz for 10 months. I am tired of him jerking the chain and expecting me to fall in with his fantasy. I deserve better than that and while he has said it himself, I don't think he realizes the reality of it. I just want to protect my kids from anymore pain then they absolutely have to go through because their father is acting like a spoiled four year old who is not getting his own way.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Wow SMW! Your frustration is coming through loud and clear and I for one am glad for it! You can't bottle all this crud up and stay sane. Let it fly woman!!!
Yes, your H is acting like a spoiled 4 year old who isn't getting his way. I'm sorry for the pain he is inflicting even through his not being there.
I honestly don't have any advice to give because I obviously was a complete failure and turning the other cheek and all that jazz. Just know that I am here supporting you fully and praying that you will have success in saving your M from the disaster your H has made of it.
Protect your babies and hold them tight. They will have fun with their grandparents on Christmas day and maybe with the grandparents there you can have a little alone time to reflect on all the wonderful things that have come to you this year......LIKE US!
Love you sis!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
SMW, I recently read an article on invalidation (of one's feelings), and these two statements stick with me - 1)"When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities," and 2)"Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real."
Even though you are right, stating the facts of the matter can be invalidating, even when it's completely unintentional. When a person is expressing their feelings about an issue, telling them 'let's look at the facts' or 'here are the facts' is like telling this person that he/she is wrong for feeling the way they do.
It's intriguing to me. I'm learning a lot.
(((((((SMW)))))))
My intent was not to invalidate, him just to let him know what the situation was. He emailed back and NEVER mentioned the part about whether or not he wants to hear from home. This was his reply--
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SMW, I just wasn’t sure because you never told me what their intentions were. Does SIL have a house phone, or does she just use her cell phone? I’d like to find a way to reach them this weekend since last weekend was a nogo. Alright, you guys take care. DH
to which I replied:
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DH--
My mistake for not clarifying that.
Sis does have a house phone, but I do not know that you will catch them at the house because of play rehearsal. The girls have to be at church from 10-2 tomorrow, leaving Sis's at 8:30-9am to get to Mom's so mom can take them to practice. Not sure what the plans are after that. Mom and Sis are taking them shopping, I believe. I suppose you could try Mom's house or Mom's cell phone in early afternoon. With 5 kids 10 and under in the house at Sis's, I do not know that calling there early in the morning would be a good thing.
Sunday, the girls have to be at church by 8:30 and must stay for both services. We have plans to go to lunch afterward and I have to drop someone off at the airport at 4. We would be back to the house around 4:30-5pm.
Perhaps calling them during the week would be better.
SMW
No reply to that and no phone calls made to my mom's or my sisters phones.
I do not discount that his feelings are real, but so are mine and his acting on his feelings has created an untenable situation for my kids, one that I once thought neither one of us would put them in--as he frequently talked about how important it was to keep a family together. I guess it was only important until he could not keep his pants on around the water buffalo. Sorry, he made a conscious choice to hurt his kids and me. You do not slip on a banana peel and fall into bed with someone else by accident.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I don't think I made my point very clear. When I asked if you guys could respond to his emails, I meant the kids. Can they send Dad emails to talk about their days or whatever they want to share with their father? Can the kids each type up letters in Word and then maybe you could send them all as attachments in one email to DH?
I think, if anything, he is reaching out for contact from home, from his children. Regardless of what is going on between you and DH, it is my opinion that they need to try to maintain some kind of communication with their father. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to run...didn't want to have anything to do with my H....BUT....we have 3 boys together. There have been numerous times when I just had to put my feelings aside and help keep the bond going between my sons and their father, no matter what H did to "wrong" them and me. H could walk out on me if he wanted, but I wasn't about to let him walk out on his children.
I am sorry you are feeling all that you are right now, sweetie. I can imagine just how difficult it all is.
(((((((SMW)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
Well GF, that is what we call sarcasm..... my point was that it is something a lot of people have to figure out how to do. I think SMW probably understands that... What I am trying to express to her is that him being on a ship out at sea is really the same as him leaving the home and she really really needs to take advantage of this time.
Ian
And that is what i am trying to do. I do not appreciate him trying to make me feel like I am the one blocking his access to the kids. He has paper and envelopes and stamps that he took with him--If he was worried about the kids getting the emails read to him, why not write a letter? Of would I then be accused of throwing them out? Screw him. HE needs to deal with what he has created. I love him and I do not wish ill on him, but I am done enabling him to cake eat and use the kids to do it. I am moving forward in life. I have new friends, plans for after the first of the year for myself and the kids, and things i want to get done. He is still my husband and i will give him the respect he deserves as such, but I will NOT countenance him continuing his affair and making me out to be a bad guy about the kids not contacting him. He made his choice, and expected me to suck it up and live it with it, now he can, too.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes. IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead. Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful? I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
Ian
I need to duck better, as the 2x4s are getting harder. I guess when they really hit home, they hurt more. I have been keeping busy, most of the time, I let his crap run off my back, but making it about the kids pizzed me off.
You guys are all my friends and I value all of you and your input. The guys are good for male perspective and you ladies keep me from letting my anger get out of control.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes.
I kindly disagree, Ian. I don't think ANYONE makes mountains out of molehills when that person is clearly expressing the distress they feel about their current sitch. It might seem like the solution is very obvious to one person or several people so what's the issue, but for someone else, they might need a little more help and understanding. They might need to hear that some others can relate. They might need validation for their own feelings.
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IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
I don't think it's done intentionally, and telling someone to let go of their sitch is always easy for those of us on the outside.
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My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead.
I don't think ST and I coddled SMW. I think we offered her our opinions along with our compassion for what she is feeling and going through, and for her DH, too.
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Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful?
That was/is your perception of his email to her. I, for one, did not read it that way nor do I think his email is where her focus should be.
I believe she should take his feelings into consideration, address them with perhaps a little more compassion and kindness (they can go a long way), then immediately get back to focusing on her own life.
IMO, it's win-win.
How do I give him compassion for his feelings without invalidating my own?
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I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
I agree that freeing one's self from that "hold" is essential to one's own emotional well-being. I also understand what true friendship is and all that it entails, and I do not think anyone here is afraid when it comes to helping one another. So as to some of us stepping up, I think we are doing that. Perhaps it's just in a different way, as you have pointed out , and that's right - it's no biggie. Having differing POVs is what makes each one of us unique and invaluable.
Ok, back to you, SMW!
(((((SMW)))))
I value all of the different viewpoints and take all of them under consideration. That is why I often try to get input before sending emails. For the most part, I do not let him get to me. Certain things bother me, as they would anyone else--our anniversary was one, the holidays are huge right now. None of the kids (except D17) can ever remember him not being home at Christmas. I am too tired to muster more than my usual strength--I need Goldey's superboots or something.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
In answer to Ian's post (which I am sure was well meaning), I have to say that being a Navy wife with small children going through a deployment is a huge challenge even in the best of circumstances. Add to that the fact that she is getting zero support, and actually more pressure added, by her H. Then add the additional stresses of dealing with a developementally delayed child and a teenager going through the throws of rebellion.
Take all this together, and you have a truly rough road to hoe, and she's entitled to have a short fuse every now and again and to have little patience with the "molehills" she is dealing with. But that's JMHO.
Having said that, I will add that I don't mean to 2x4 you too much, Ian. You can't help it. You're just a DAM!!
Take care, ((((((SMW))))))!
TJ--
Thanks for your support. Most days I can pull myself up by my bootstraps, but every now and again, I want someone to tell me it is okay to feel overwhelmed and have a small meltdown. Having BTDT, you know what challenges are faced with a deployment and I appreciate you being here for me.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I think Ian has a point. And he's not one to give a quick 2x4.
We are all so in awe of SMW, that it doesn't help to give her advice. He is making a good observation....which I'll bet....she'll take his good counsel.
SG--
It is duly noted. I do not know why everyone is in awe of me, I haven't done anything spectacular. I am just a stubborn Navy wife who still is in love with her husband and who won't back down without a fight.
You a mod again????? I have missed you!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
look, we all have a right to have our ups and downs. It's going to happen. and IMHO, you are ALL right. SMW is definitely focusing too much on DH (and what is the D for??) because she is letting his actions control her feelings too much. HOWEVER, my reasoning for pointing things out is to usually reveal the other side. There is ALWAYS another side, and we need to realize that. It doesn't always make what they are doing right, but it can at least shine some light on what is happening so that we can understand just a smidgen better which can also help us let go.
The d is for Darling or Deer(and that typo is on purpose--Tawnya and Amy will get it!)--Tomato and I had a discussion about it a few weeks back.
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Soooo, SMW, I hope your doing okay, I would call but it's almost 11pm. I'm kinda worried, but I know your okay, just probably taking a break.
I was busy partying, drinking wine, eating chocolate and other fine foods, and shopping my butt off. I did not mean to make you worry! You were the one who opted to skip the PJ party, though! {{{{HUGS}}}}
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SMW, you know that we are all hear for you, and I KNOW you know that God is with you every step of your way. It's okay for you to feel bad. You love your H. of course your going to have bad days. As long as you realize it, and you move forward and continue to get up and keep focusing on our Lord and what you need to do...that's what is important. Your not superwoman, although many of us would be shocked if you were not! So, when you find yourself struggling, take a break, do the things that you know work for you to get your mind focused the right way.
Last week, my cape was at the cleaners, but I have it back now. The weekend with Amy and Tawnya was exactly what the doctor ordered for me.
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I hope that my email had helped. I hope that you will make a good weekend, and that your pastor will have marvelous things to say and God will reveal many things to you thru him.
Pastor was amazing and the kids were adorable in their program! The girls were stars (literally) much like their Mama is trying to be. Your email did help, as they always do, and I have it saved for future reference, too.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I would like to add that I never disagreed with Ian's advice. I just held issue with some of his choices in words. I did not feel he was devaluing SMW, but I did find some of the comments to be invalidating.
I just want to clarify that I took no offense to anything said.All is good with me on this.
The bottom line is this for SMW, yes, this is a place for her to vent. This is a place for her to receive patience and understanding. This is a place for people to understand and validate her pain. We all have pain..... However, this is also a place to here constructive criticism. It is also a place where sometimes tough love is practiced. It is also a place where people learn that they have a choice what advice to take and what advice to cast aside.
SMW and I have posted to one another back and forth for months now in different ways. I have a great deal of respect for what she has done and all that she is going through so please do not believe for one minute that I think she is a whiner or am saying she is making to much of this. What happens on these boards sometimes is we watch our friends (of which I consider SMW) and we simply want to help them find happiness. We do not like standing by idly while they suffer. Sometimes we stand up for each other when it is difficult to see while you are in the storm.
SMW, I stand behind what I posted to you and I hope you didnt take it as me not validating you. I feel your pain. I also only want you to be happy and strong. That is what matters to me. I am in no way trying to minimalize your situation, I am just trying to point out some things that I am seeing and have seen over the last few months.
I would love to hear from ya......
Ian
I am honored to have you as a friend and tickled that you respect me as a person!! Since we already dealt with the rest via email, I won't address it here. If you are worried about me, though, pick up the phone! You have the number!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
GAL'ing (and in literal fashion this w/e for U)! I wish I knew what that was all about. The silence and loneliness is all consuming right now for me. While I am surely still "going through the motions", I think I am going through the EMOTIONS more than that. I made sure to go to church today and seeing the little ones put on their production was well worth it but I can not shake the sadness right now. It is just too thick to cut through. Dead silence and loneliness. My dog doesn't bark much (though I did recently teach her to "speak" on command) so I am forced to break through the silence with high decibels of RUSH concert music. They have always been my staple..my mainstay and something that lifts my spirits and causes me to smile.
I guess this post should have been on my own. But it is a lonely place also
Guess I will go read the Word and pray here shortly. He has all the answers. I just haven't been willing to submit to Him lately.
Glad to hear that you had a blessed time with the girls!!
T
"And His kingdom shall have no end ..."
I am glad you pulled yourself together before I had to traipse to the frozen North to smack you around a bit. You know from where your strength comes from. About time you got back on your knees to ask Him to take the burdens that you keep pulling back from Him. Love you, T!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I'm so jealous of your get-together!!!! I hope you guys had a lot of fun, I'm sure you did. and I totally meant to mail a little stick figure of me or something funny! darn!
well, smw, I will be waiting to hear how your weekend went, I bet it happened just in the nik of time.
Yes it did, and I feel so much better because of it!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I think although you were direct, it was vague too.
remember when you said he obviously didn't want to communicate anymore.. or something like that. I think this could be vague. He may have no clue how you came up with that...since he is so caught up in himself and may only be seeing the things your doing to him, not what he's doing to you...
Next time perhaps it would be better to say... "Because I was sending multiple emails about the children and I wasn't receiving responses to most of them I assumed that you were not interested in them so I stopped." Then he knows exactly why.
speaking of the email, has he responded to it?
glad YOUR team had a good day. my team did not. but we're still in the playoffs anyways, and we'll be in the superbowl so it doesn't matter. lol
He did respond--I posted in one of my other responses from when you guys blew up my thread over the weekend. Since Friday nothing, then today I get one asking if D9 started her treatment and saying he would call tomorrow. No time frame and I have a lot of last minute things to do, so I will have to email him and tell him that he will have a hard time reaching us then, too. You would think he would call them on Christmas Day, but I guess not.
Yes, my Skins had a good game and the last play was OUTSTANDING! No playoffs for us, but we are working on screwing up other people's chances
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Your life should not be dictated by your husband's perceptions of you. Know what? The reality is that divorced people don't send their XW e-mails to read to the kids and expect a response. You pick up the phone and you call them. Your life is not on hold waiting for his next call and e-mail. If it were me, I would stay so busy that I didn't even check my e-mail more than 3-4 days a week and I'd only respond to half of them. That's life. If he has a problem with that...just tell him you've been busy.
As Ian said, you are too worried about what he's thinking or what impact your actions have on him, rather than focusing solely on yourself and your own growth. He's a fully functional adult....if/when he wants to be part of your life, he'll make it clear. If not...still his problem. Take ownership of what you can control.
I am on the computer all the time for school and communicate with professors and classmates via email. He knows this and knows I check my email several times a day. He has been told we are busy--did that around Thanksgiving when he called and spoke to me about D9. He did not seem remotely interested in what busy consisted of for anyone so I did not bother filling in the details. As you said, if he wanted to know, he would make it clear.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful--it would mean he was actually thinking instead of existing in his bubble for a change. I believe marriage is a covenant--he did once too--but I guess if he changed his mind, he might begin to wonder if I could change mine. We'll see.
For now, I have gifts to wrap and kids to keep amused! Candlelight services tomorrow night at church, Santa, reading Luke 2 to the kids before gifts, inlaws visiting in late morning Christmas day, dinner at my mom's, cousin comes to town on Friday, party at my mom's on Saturday, church on Sunday, New Year's Eve party on Wednesday, and back to school for me on Friday of next week. I want to take the kids to the movies on New Years' Day, too.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.
exactly...he's on a ship..his only contact (when he chooses) is via email or phone..I think she should be very mysterious and not tell him what she is doing..let him sweat a bit and wonder what she is up to..what a better time to detach?? he's away..she should be detached beyond detached..this time should be used for her..and the kids..
And that's the rub. He cannot give us exact times for calls, as who knows what phones are going to be like, and I feel like I am being evil if I am not willing to sit here. But the reality is, I am not under obligation to sit here anymore--he chose that, not me. I am moving past it the best I can.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Wow SMW! Your frustration is coming through loud and clear and I for one am glad for it! You can't bottle all this crud up and stay sane. Let it fly woman!!!
Yes, your H is acting like a spoiled 4 year old who isn't getting his way. I'm sorry for the pain he is inflicting even through his not being there.
I honestly don't have any advice to give because I obviously was a complete failure and turning the other cheek and all that jazz. Just know that I am here supporting you fully and praying that you will have success in saving your M from the disaster your H has made of it.
Protect your babies and hold them tight. They will have fun with their grandparents on Christmas day and maybe with the grandparents there you can have a little alone time to reflect on all the wonderful things that have come to you this year......LIKE US!
Love you sis!!!
Wow Mish! I was on such a posting run, I did not see yours in the middle of it all!
I think having Amy and Tawnya here this weekend helped me a lot, along with all the things I am finally able to get to for myself.
I am seriously considering taking pole dancing lessons in January. I might even let that little activity slip out to my DH. Let him wonder why I decided to do that all the sudden. For me, it will just be fun and great exercise!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I don't think I made my point very clear. When I asked if you guys could respond to his emails, I meant the kids. Can they send Dad emails to talk about their days or whatever they want to share with their father? Can the kids each type up letters in Word and then maybe you could send them all as attachments in one email to DH?
I think, if anything, he is reaching out for contact from home, from his children. Regardless of what is going on between you and DH, it is my opinion that they need to try to maintain some kind of communication with their father. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to run...didn't want to have anything to do with my H....BUT....we have 3 boys together. There have been numerous times when I just had to put my feelings aside and help keep the bond going between my sons and their father, no matter what H did to "wrong" them and me. H could walk out on me if he wanted, but I wasn't about to let him walk out on his children.
I am sorry you are feeling all that you are right now, sweetie. I can imagine just how difficult it all is.
(((((((SMW)))))))
Only one of them is old enough to actually read or type--well that is not true, but he never emails D17 anymore--so I have to be the secretary for all of this.
When I was sending him that info, he didn't seem to want it. I have tried, even again today, to get the kids to email him. they told me that they would email him later on. I told him that I thought their dad would like to hear from them. D9 said "then he should call like he said he would." Unfortunately, D5 takes her cues from him. Right now, S3 is only concerned with whether or not Santa is going to fit down our chimney!
I am fine. Getting out, without the kids, for an entire day was awesome and I am going to figure out how to do it again one day soon!!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Alright, now that I have blown up my own thread, I am off to go to the bank and grab something for the kids to eat. Got a paper to finish tonight for school and then a week and a half off.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
How would I answer him, well we all agree that he is acting like a spoiled child and his behavior is completely inconsistent right???? So i would reply to him as I would to a child misbehaving.
I would let him know that you never said you didnt want to communicate. I would tell him when he is ready to commit to weekly calls to your kids maybe your kids would want to talk with him more. I would tell him that he needs to be consistent with the kids. I would remind him that they are the innocent bystanders in this and need to feel wanted and loved by him and he is not doing a very good job of that right now.
Your obligations and priorities right now are IMHO as follows....
1. Yourself mentally and physically 2. Your kid's well being. 3. Your home. 4. I don't know maybe Jello or TV... 5. Your husband.
You have every right to tell him what you need in support of raising your children and keeping them safe and feeling loved. His lack of communication and caring with them is uncalled for no matter what you and he are going through right now.
So my point I guess is this. You blasted out a line in the email that was a shot at him. That was what bothered me. It is beneath you and you acted out of anger. It gives him an excuse to put things off on you again. I would rather to have seen you hit him factually and requesting he live up to his paternal obligation.
You may need to refresh my memory on that number kiddo....
{{{{Ian}}}}I will respond to you tomorrow night--way too busy today and Mrs' Claus still needs to take care of a couple of things, too. I did not spend near what I have in the past, and the kids probably still got too much stuff.
DH called the kids this morning to wish them a Merry Christmas. He has duty tomorrow and would not be able to call them. I was very good when I emailed him back last night--tried to be a little nicer. For my troubles, I got a very short email early this morning, and another one after he called. He told me several times to have a great Christmas while we were on the phone and again in the email he sent. I wanted to tell him that of course I am going to have a great Christmas, I get to spend it with the kids, but I did not. I did tell him that I hoped he had a nice day tomorrow and that he does not have to work too hard. I did not tell him we missed him or we love him--the kids all said it when they were on the phone.
He never asked what I got the kids and only seemed marginally interested when I was telling him. Oh well. Maybe they will email him tomorrow and let him know what they got and thank him for their gifts from us. We will see.
The Candlelight Service at church was wonderful. We had prayer request cards to fill out and I asked for my DH and all troops to come home safely from deployment. However, when Pastor read the requests, he did not reveal names, but asked for the congregation to pray for a member of the church whose husband is on deployment,that they are having marital difficulties and to pray for restoration, counseling, and the family to be made whole. Mom assured me she did not put it in as a request, and D17 requested prayers for the families of her friends who were killed in the car accident last month. I guess Pastor just really knew what was on my heart today.
Now, off to find some batteries to get the play kitchen ready for the littles!
Merry Christmas everyone! Best wishes and prayers for a New Year full of hope, promises fulfilled, and testimonies to the Glory of Our Almighty God. Thank you all for the support you have given me thus far. Love and hugs to all!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
{{{{{SMW}}}}}} I pray that your day today is filled with love, laughter, and joy
Have a Merry Christmas!!
BTW..my hub didn't even ask what the heck else I got my kids either..weird..I mean I'm always the one that gets their stuff, but he'll be as surprised as they are LOL
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Yo ...You sure as heck better be enjoying that week and a half off that you mentioned you now have. They don't come around with much frequency ..especially for you my looney tunes -Roadrunner Sis. You best not build in a whole bunch of busy work during this time.
It most definetely is a long overdue time to step back from it all, unwind, decompress ...whatever words you want to put to it.
In any case, I hope you are doing what you need to do to really enjoy this little break you have. Shooo the kids away and put your feet up. Breathe ...keep it simple. Be contemplative about our Redeemer Jesus.
don't have time to read, but I am thinking of you, and I hope you were able to have a peaceful and fun Christmas.
I'll be back on tomorrow and I'll check on ya first thing!
(((SMW)))
I'm glad your cape is back on btw.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I have been thinking for a while, & wanted to tell you......
I'm sooooooooooo glad you changed your name.
I look forward to the day when you name yourself as a person. Not his wife, not your kids mom, but you, L.
Happy New Year. I hope this one is your best ever.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey what'd I miss. What cape ?? WHere'd she get a cape?? I want one of them. I need one of them. As long as it doesn't have any 'skins references on it.
The kids and I had a great day. I got the one thing I needed more than anything else for Christmas--it was peaceful. I enjoyed my visit with the inlaws. As usual, they spoiled the heck out of the kids. My FIL and I made plans for him to come help me put up shelves in the garage.
My fav cousin came in on Friday night/Saturday morning. We stayed up until 4:30am talking. She has asked me and D17 to be part of her wedding in June. Time to get serious about the diet now! She was worried that I might not want to be in it, but i assured her I was fine and that I was hopeful that DH would be there, too. She hopes so, as she and he were always thick as thieves.
Saturday was my mom's annual holiday party. I had a lot of fun and got to meet D17's new boyfriend. I like him so much more than the loser we put up with all summer long.
Nothing exciting going on otherwise. It is nice for a change.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Calmness in the port is a good thing. Glad xmas went well for you and the kids. New boyfriend huh...for some reason new boyfriends don't seem to like me much not sure why HA!
You sound good have been reading along and watching you are finding your groove and are dealing better with things IMO...
I have missed you! Was going to call over the holidays, but was not sure if it was a good idea. Hope all is going well and you and your family had a good one!
I feel like I am handling things better and give all the Glory to God.
Yeah, and the new boyfriend thinks I am awesome!
Sis
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
sounds great that d17 has a nice bf, and great that you had a peaceful xmas.
now, you need to get dressed up and have a fun new years!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
You are settling into some hum-drumness. Sounds just right for you for a change of pace.
With me it is as topsy turvy as ever.
I am rather pissed now. I was enraged a short bit ago and pretty much threw tantrum of sorts in the airplane before completing my last flight. Someone is choosing to duck all my calls. I try to take the 'high road'. Which is good until you come to a stretch with a curve and there is no guard rail to keep you from plummetting a couple hundred feet onto my head.
Bottom line is she has no 'real' R with Christ. So I will just be spinning in circles to try to get her to understand anything.
Sorry. 
. However, I do feel a little differently where others have referred to DH's feelings as "drama". Drama or no drama, they are his feelings. This is something I have to remind myself about whenever I am dealing with my own H's feelings and the "pity parties" he throws for himself. If I don't address his feelings, then in some way aren't I invalidating him, too?
I think I prefer the roller coaster.