IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other
I totally agree with that.
SMW, I apologize if my post might've made you feel as if I were invalidating you. That was never my intention. I guess I was just a little more focused on your DH's feelings after reading his e-mail to you because like ST, I did not think it was bad either, and I was trying to show you what I thought/think is an issue for DH - not hearing from the kids (and possibly even you).
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Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
I suppose I was under the wrong impression then. I figured since that's what she wrote, those were her feelings and she must have wanted him to know. Otherwise, why would she write and send that email?
I also understand her frustration, though, of feeling like she's doing/done all that she can and is not receiving much, if anything, in return. Unfortunately, it is the cycle as you've pointed out. Now....how to break it???
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anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
It makes a lot of sense to me. BTW, not sure if it was directed towards me, but I never suggested that SMW go dark. IMHO, when her DH is clearly reaching out in his e-mail that he'd like to hear from them, I don't think going dark is the answer at all.
SMW, along with the kids, could you still send him e-mails, letters, etc every now and then to let him know how things are going at home? And not expect him to reply? At least not right away? I completely understand that you feel like you're already doing everything where the M is concerned and DH's actions/words frustrate you, sometimes to no end...I know the feeling all too well....but right now, you are the one here, sweetie. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but this is where we are, and we are here by our own choices.
Hang in there.
(((((SMW)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse. SMW, you are not the first to deal with this so lets just approach it this way. The fact of the matter is, you should respond to his emails, even if they are curt.
His email was pretty basic, guilt you into thinking it's you who doesn't want to talk... whatever. Your response, not really the approach I would take.
You don't have to tell him how you are going to respond even to acknowledge his emails. Then it becomes on purpose and gives him a safety net for emailing you. Well, fuckkk that. He emails you some bullshitt, you answer it honestly and straighten his asss out.
This is exactly what I was talking about in my last post to you. You must find your own way and become a functioning unit on your own. This "language" that he uses when he emails you wouldn't bug you nearly as much if you were more focused on yourself. It would slide off your back and you would simply ignore it.
As far as the kids go and them reading his emails, quit defending yourself. You have nothing to defend. You read the emails to y our kids, they choose not to respond. Stop defending it to him. Your kids will answer those questions themselves at some point. You are doing your job as their mother and have absolutely nothing to defend. He's not there, he has no clue what you are or are not doing and his assumptions are his problem not yours.
Defocus from him SMW, the power that you are giving him over your feelings and emotions is only hurting one person.....YOU....
Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
SMW, I recently read an article on invalidation (of one's feelings), and these two statements stick with me - 1)"When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities," and 2)"Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real."
Even though you are right, stating the facts of the matter can be invalidating, even when it's completely unintentional. When a person is expressing their feelings about an issue, telling them 'let's look at the facts' or 'here are the facts' is like telling this person that he/she is wrong for feeling the way they do.
It's intriguing to me. I'm learning a lot.
(((((((SMW)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I will say a prayer that your time together is marked with a specialness that only the Lord can produce. May the Holy Spirit fall upon each and every one of you. Cela.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
Well GF, that is what we call sarcasm..... my point was that it is something a lot of people have to figure out how to do. I think SMW probably understands that... What I am trying to express to her is that him being on a ship out at sea is really the same as him leaving the home and she really really needs to take advantage of this time.
I know what it's called, and I am sure SMW does, too.
Still, and it is JMO, every sitch involves feelings, so sarcasm doesn't always help, and perhaps I took this a little personally because your post came right after ST and I were trying to show some understanding towards not just SMW herself, but towards her DH as well. The reference to it being a dilemma seemed as though you were saying a big deal was being made out of nothing.
Feelings are not nothing, and if SMW feels the need to defend herself, whether she really needs to or not, she should be able to do that.
Again, JMO.
(((SMW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes. IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead. Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful? I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes.
I kindly disagree, Ian. I don't think ANYONE makes mountains out of molehills when that person is clearly expressing the distress they feel about their current sitch. It might seem like the solution is very obvious to one person or several people so what's the issue, but for someone else, they might need a little more help and understanding. They might need to hear that some others can relate. They might need validation for their own feelings.
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IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.
I don't think it's done intentionally, and telling someone to let go of their sitch is always easy for those of us on the outside.
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My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead.
I don't think ST and I coddled SMW. I think we offered her our opinions along with our compassion for what she is feeling and going through, and for her DH, too.
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Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful?
That was/is your perception of his email to her. I, for one, did not read it that way nor do I think his email is where her focus should be.
I believe she should take his feelings into consideration, address them with perhaps a little more compassion and kindness (they can go a long way), then immediately get back to focusing on her own life.
IMO, it's win-win.
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I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.
Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.
Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....
I agree that freeing one's self from that "hold" is essential to one's own emotional well-being. I also understand what true friendship is and all that it entails, and I do not think anyone here is afraid when it comes to helping one another. So as to some of us stepping up, I think we are doing that. Perhaps it's just in a different way, as you have pointed out , and that's right - it's no biggie. Having differing POVs is what makes each one of us unique and invaluable.
Ok, back to you, SMW!
(((((SMW)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
