Nasmat - #2

[spellfire]

I really feel for you right now Nas, this must be so tough to take.

I don't really know what to tell you since I know nothing truly takes the pain away, but I'll try. At this stage total detachment might be a good idea. When my previous serious relationship broke down I actually moved overseas for a while and cut all ties, it helped a lot.

He keeps contacting you, so I would concentrate on getting all the business taken care of ASAP so that you no longer need contact. A third party to handle your business is actually a really good idea. Maybe tell him that he can no longer contact you directly and he has to go through someone you trust.

Sounds drastic, but what you are going through should not be taken lightly by anyone.

I know you are also angry and you have every right. Heck, I am even sitting here feeling angry about what he did to you and I don't even know either of you. Try not to focus on him. Do some nice things for yourself maybe. Music that gets you in touch with yourself, turn out all the lights and dance, call your friends and tell them you need to be around people that care about you, whatever it takes.

Just hang in there, keep posting here too, we are all behind you. Some strangers on the internet, but empathetic to your situation and feeling for you just the same.

SF

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Nasmat,

It is so hard, isn't it? You can either not respond and take your time or you can just get it over with asap. Whatever will bring you the most comfort. If you are, definitely stop worrying about him and how your actions will influence him. Do what will work for you. I sort of like the suggestion of using a third party, like a mediator. Good luck and feel better. I've had a horrible day, so I'm going to steal your journaling idea and start doing it myself. Good night to you in Georgia.

[nw626]

Nas
I know this is hard.
I suggest taking your time to respond to him.
This is his requests/favors, so it is really based on your schedule.
Make the decision that is least stressful for you.
Taking care of yourself, emotionally, physically and financially will be the best gift for Nas this Christmas.
You can do this...

NW626

[Br44]

My W was doing the same to me. Apologizing for everything happening so quickly, wanting everything her way, etc.

It didn't make things better or worse, but I told her to stop apologizing, if she was truly sorry, she would stop what she is doing... then I went on to educate her about the effects of divorce on children... which turned out to be a big waste of time... cuz "she'll make sure S turns out good."

I would wait a few days to respond. Then I would tell him you are too busy to plan anything right now. Or if you do agree to meet in January, come up with some excuse why you can't get done what he needs done. Just keep him waiting and on your terms.

mc

[Nasmat]

I did the wrong thing, guys.

I f***ed up big time.

I called him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I think I had to for my mental health. I called him and he sounded busy - answered like it was a work call. I told him I'd just call him back later. He said no, he was on the other line but he could talk. I told him no bother getting of the phone, and he said he'd call me back in a few.

He called me back a minute later.

We talked for 25 minutes and 10 seconds.

I was not pleasant or friendly. I was cold and detached. I told him that I would prefer if he stopped being formal with me and stopped pressuring me to get things done. I told him that I didn't have any more answers now than I did on Friday and that I needed more time. I told him if he wanted things to be this way - cold and detached - that I could play that game, but I would rather not.

He apologized and said he didn't mean to come off as an a**hole. He said that he was sorry for pushing, and could I just tell him how much time I needed.

I said I didn't know, but that I'd told him we'd discussed things in January. He said he was under alot of financial strain and that he just was trying to get things worked out. I said that I understood, but this was his choice, not mine.

He said he understood and apologized again. He promised not to rush anymore. I said that was good, and that I didn't understand why he was making this so hard for me. I said there is no reason to treat me maliciously.

He said again that he didn't mean to come off like a jerk. He asked if it would be alright to pick up his stuff tomorrow. I said no, tomorrow wasn't a good day for me. I said I also didn't feel comfortable with other people in the house. He said he understood.

I said I especially don't feel comfortable with him bringing his friend that is delighting in this situation. He said it wasn't like that; he said that none of his friends or family had any ill will towards me.

I saud sure, ok.

I said that I didn't even know who he was; that I never knew who he was. I said I knew he was trying to rush so that he could start his new life with his girlfriend, and that was ok, but that I needed more time. He said it wasn't like that - they were only talking - and that he didn't know how many times he had to tell me or write down that none of this is about her.
I said that was fine, but that I knew better. I said I understand the psychology, and I understand that these things are a catalyst, but that there is no point in going into it with him. I said I knew, however, that no one throws away their life and 11 years of history just for the reasons he stated. He got angry and said "if you don't remember correctly, I tried to leave you a year and a half after we were married."

I said that sure, maybe I needed to get a slap in the face to get it, that I hadn't even gotten it before, but that there was no point in going into it. I said he never even gave me a chance.

He said that did I really think it would have made a difference. I said it has made a difference, not that you believe me, but it already has.

He made a "huh" noise. He said that he just doesn't think we'e meant to be. He said he still cared about me and still loved me but that we just weren't right for eachother.


I said don't think I don't understand what's going on here. I said that he's running to create this new life with this new girl, and I said don't think I haven't been there. Don't think I don't get it.

He made another "huh" noise. He said he thought we should get off the phone before it gets ugly.

I said no, I don't want to get off the phone, and he owes me this time. He agreed.

There were many loooong silences after that.

I asked about his family, and he asked about mine. We attempted some small talk about work and family. I asked what he'd gotten his family for Christmas, and he said nothing, just cards (that confirms that the earrings are for his whore). He said his dad is moving down to Florida in February.

He asked about my grandma. I said she wasn't doing so well. And he said that was too bad, that she is a good woman.

It was my turn to make the "huh" noise.

I asked how his girlfriend was, and he said fine (didn't deny it that time). I asked if she was in school, and he said he didn't want to talk about it right now. I said that he owes it to me, and he said he would tell me one day but not now. I said I want to know NOW. He said he just didn't want to tell me.

I said yes, of course, everything is about you and what you want, isn't it?

I asked what his plans were after all of this, and he said in all honesty he would probably go down to Florida and be a cop there. He said if I was trying to figure out if he was getting maried or something that he wasn't. He said he wouldn't do that for a long time.

I made the "huh" noise.

He said he knew this was hard for me, and that it was hard for him too - but that he knew it was harder for me. I asked him why it was hard for him. He got defensive and said for all the reasons I stated. I said I wasn't trying to be a b**** but that I needed to understand why it would be hard for him. He said the history and the finances and everything, and that he still cares about me and loves me.

I was silent.

He said he'd better be going. I asked him if he ever thought we'd truly be friends. He said yes, he knew he would be friends with me and that he hoped I would be friends with him.

I was silent. I said alright, I'll talk to you in January. He said he'd probably talk to me before then.

I said goodbye and hung up.

Well, folks, I think I am officially done with him. I really feel no emotion towards him at all - except disgust. I want to just scrub him out of my life at this point. I want to be done.

~Nas

[Br44]

Nas -

What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage or not? I know it can flip back and forth as emotions run wild - but what do you truly want?

mc

[Nasmat]

I honestly don't know anymore, MC. I hate the guy I just spoke with.

I don't know what I want.

I feel like I deserve better, and that at this point I am wasting my time. I remember every problem we ever had, and everything that ever bothered me about him, and it just doesn't seem worth it right now.

What I really want is my old life back, but he's stolen that from me. And in any case, my old life was a lie. I just miss the comfort of it. I am exhuasted. Sometimes, I still come home and fully expect to see him there, to wake up and realise this has all just been a bad dream.

But it's not. It's life.

~Nas

[nw626]

Nas
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I think all of us here had a similar 'talk' with our WASs at one point.
If you don't know, you just don't know.
You don't have to make a decision tonight.
Give yourself some space and time from your R/M. This is not something you should focus on now.
You need a break from this.....
You are a strong woman...the anger and sadness will pass.
Nas needs to take care of herself first before anything.

NW626

[pearlharbr]

{{{{Nas}}}}

Oh sweetie, I know where you're at. It's almost a liberating feeling to decide you're done, but you don't have to make that decision today. Remember it's a roller coaster, this is a valley but there's still another upwards climb ahead.

I second nw626's advice of taking a break from all this crap right now. I'm going to give you the advice you gave me, "Try to laugh and be silly and remember what a great person you are."

[mamanpc]

Hi Nas, what a tough time you've been having, i really feel for you!

I don't think that you f***ed up that much by calling him - you didn't 'lose it' while you were talking, you said you weren't ready and that you would talk to him in Jan and he said he would talk to you before, and that he loved you.

Right now he's decided that 'you're not right for each other'... but that could change over time. Meanwhile it does make sense for you to GAL and remember what a great person you are WITHOUT him. There is still alot of anger on both sides, it seems... this is so tough for you, i do hope that you hang in there and get through this! venting through these postings can help a lot.
hang in there nas!
mamanpc