This sounds really good for you. I am hopeful that this is a turning point for you, much like I experienced. I was so messed up and then I just reached a point where I had had enough. That point was the lowest point for me, but when I made the decision to work on me instead of focusing on my WAS, I started the climb out of the hole I was in.
You have picked yourself up and come back stronger before, you can do it again!
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Thanks so much, Spellfire and Single Dad! I don't know if this is so much my turning point as a pivot in the right direction, but I know deep down that I just have to keep moving that way.
I am still deeply, deeply sad. I am feeling like I really miss him again, but I have to keep reminding myself that the person I'm missing isn't here right now. As much as I feel like I just want to talk to him or see him, I have to keep remembering that the person I miss has checked out.
Maybe he'll return one day, but then again maybe he won't. I keep repeating over and over that the best thing I can do is to do things for myself and in doing so find happiness within - only then will I feel better.
It's so easy to dwell on what feels like missed opportunities. I want so badly to prove that things can be better, and I think part of that has to do with my desire to "fix" all of the things I am angry at myself for. I regret never going camping with him, never going on a motorcycle ride, never letting any of his things have a place in our home. I regret being opposed to having a family. I regret not stepping up to the plate when it came to sharing household duties.
But, since I can't change those things now, I just have to focus on finding a new way.
Sometimes, all of this still feels like a bad dream. But it's not. It is life, and sh*tty circumstance doesn't have to yield sh*tty results.
Onward, onward. I have a prayer group meeting tonight, and I'm anxious for it.
I keep telling myself that I'm not giving up. I'm going on.
And I've decided not to hire the Private Investigator. It won't do me any good anyways, and the last thing I need to do is feed my negativity.
Thanks so much, Tom! The prayers are needed. And you're right - why waste money on a PI when I can use it to do things that will actually make me feel good about myself.
So, today is not going so well so far. I didn't go into work. I woke up feeling more sick, and it didn't seem like a good idea to go in. I tend to get pneumonia this time of year, so I have to be careful.
Of course, I still feel guilty, and there's a little nagging bird in my head that keeps saying that maybe I should have gone in, that maybe this cold is just an excuse. Got into an argument with a friend/coworker about it this morning. She's the kind of person that never gets sick, and she's really unempathetic about this sort of thing. I got the lecture I always get from her about needing to come in, I never work, etc - (which is total BS; I haven't been working much lately, but I worked my a** off for YEARS). I hung up on her. Now she's pissed because I was supposed to help her with a project today, and I'm not coming in. Just what I need - another reason to feel sh*tty.
I keep rationaliaing that I was only going to be at work for 4 hours today, and that it's really not worth feeling sicker and having to commute an hour each way.
Dammit, I probably am making excuses. Bloody hell.
I'm supposed to go stay with my parents tonight. I really don't want to, although I figure staying in this house by myself probably won't be any better.
I had another horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt that my H and I were ML - everything was so real. His scent, his voice, the sensations - everything. But it wasn't him now. It was him as he looked two years ago. Somehow in the middle, he ended up confessing that he's been sleeping with two other girls at various points in our R. Somehow, I ended up being introduced to them. In the dream, they weren't allthat pretty, and I remember being really annoyed with him more than angry, etc. They were both girls that worked at gas stations on the way to his dad's place. I remember asking him what I needed to do to improve our sex life, and he gave me little pointers - told me to say things like, "You're doing a great job." It was really strange. I had the sensation while dreaming that he was sleeping beside me.
And then I woke up, and it hit me. He was gone. He wasn't coming back. I would never feel those things again.
It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed and sobbed and pleaded with God.
I feel, once again, as though I cannot keep going. I have no energy for anything. I feel as though I've been swallowed by all of this. I feel as though I've dug a hole, been tossed into in, and now I'm just waiting and waiting for the dirt to fall over me so I can hide.
I keep having to resist the urge to ask him to come over and hang out. I will not call him, dammit. I'm fairly positive that he'll be alone in his place tonight. I don't see him spending the night at his dad's. Maybe he's spending it with the slut, but in all honesty, I don't think so. I'm willing to bet that this girl has family, and in my mind's eye, he's by himself.
Ah well, whichever is the case, Christmas is shaping up to be a nightmare.
Just stopping in to let you know I'm thinking of you during this difficult time. Hang in there. If you are sick it's probably best not to go in. That's how my W got pneumonia, by pushing herself too hard when she should have been resting.
Please do some nice things just for you this Christmas, you deserve it.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
