Now, having said all that I did in a previous post. I want to tell everyone a little story. I've wanted to share this with you Bobbi because you've been so torn as to what to in regards to the kids and the holidays. Sorry for the hi-jack.
My parents divorced when I was 7. My older brother and sister were not at home anymore. It was just myself and my 5 yr old brother. My dad was given custody in a state that until that time had given custoy to a father 1 time in history. Yes 1 time. My parents decided jointly that my dad would have physical custody because my mother had gone back to school, and my dad had a good job. It still took them a year to get the judge in this state to grant my dad custody. He didn't feel it was natural.
Anyway, as much as my parents could not get along while married, they did their best after separating for my brother and I. (at least until my dad remarried. Whole 'nother story there) We spent every holiday with BOTH parents in the same house. Even after my dad's job transferred him to another state, my mom would come out and spend 2 weeks with us every Christmas. She stayed in our house. They did this for 6 yrs, until my dad remarried.
When I divorced the father of my children, I had this example I'd grown up with. I took it one step further, their dad still came and spent Christmas with us even after I remarried. No matter how I felt about their dad, he was their dad. His parents spent many a christmas with us as well. My husband actually loves my xh's parents almost as much as me.
My children never had mixed ideas about mom and dad. The boys have told me how much they appreciate the effort I put in for them. They also know there isn't anyway I could stay married to their dad.
I grew up in an extended family that didn't cut people off just because they were not the "X". At our family reunion last year, my cousin's xh and her new husband were there. It was great to see her xh because he'd been a big part of my childhood. My H, once he got past the shock, thought this was great.
Now I know these situations do not work for everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to do what you feel is best for the kids. It can't be because you want to teach Dan a lesson or show him what it's going to be like without his family. This isn't the time to do that. This is a time for family and Dan is their family as much as you are.
(((BJ))) I am sorry you're going through this again this year. Please take the story I shared with the spirit it was meant. It may not work for you, but I wanted you to know that you aren't necessarily making the wrong decision with the kids and the family time.
Actually, I think I read that he wants to stay "for now" because he can't get the house without BBJ signing for it. There was nothing about working on the M. No, I don't think you read it wrong K. BBJ, your H sounds more and more like my H when he came to me twice last Spring and asked to move back in because he couldn't afford to pay rent where he was. ARRRGGGHHHH!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
We had a very surreal phone convo. where I told him that if we ever were to reconcile it would have to be for love and that nowhere in his texts did I see anything about how he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me.
His reply?
"I hadn't gotten to that part yet..."
I told him that if we were to even think about it, then I would want MC. He said, "No, never worked for us before, waste of money." I mentioned renewing our vows, "Nope, not something I think is necessary." I said, well, it is important to me so it should be important to you. He said, "Well, it is unneccessary to me so don't you have to take my feelings into consideration too?"
Grr
Anyway before i got off the phone I said, I used to have a Dan who wrote me letters, did romantic things, touched me, held me, LOVED me. I cannot and will not accept a life without those things.
he said, "Well since we only decided an hour ago to get back together I haven't had time to do those things. I am sure I will, in time."
WTF it is like invasion of the body snatchers. Everything he said was in an even tone, non-emotional, I don't get it...
My sis thinks maybe he is manic-depressive. Last night he was holding my hand saying he didn't want to get a divorce and today he is making businesslike demands and assuming I will go along with them. Nope.
And I told him that in the first text he said he was going to work to bury the past and leave it behind (since his resentment toward me is his biggest issue)...I said when you sent the later text about 'enjoy your day off from your job you chose and love', that is not leaving the resentment in the past.
He said, "I genuinely meant that"..........bullsh!t
I think he went off the deep end today. Turned my phone off so I don't have to read it/hear it.
Kalni to clarify his first text this morning said,
"It is not at all easy to do the 'right' thing. You know I hate the thought of the kids being in daycare all day, you know I will be stuck renting, you know I will be stuck in a job I don't like with no option to quit. So I guess we are stuck together for now trying to make this work. I will try to bury what is done and move on down the road with you and try to make this as good as it can be."
Just b/c he thinks he is 'stuck' it doesn't mean I have to be............
Everybody's right. The guy is broken. You need to see a lawyer.
And I will add that it also seems feasible to me that he could be using the money issue as an excuse to come home and still keep his pride. And, while there may be a little glimmer hope there that he misses home, if you allow that to happen, I think you would be sorry, because unless/until he faces up to his issues (gets into IC), you will be doomed to repeat the circle of pain.
You deserve better!
(((((()))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Just wondering what is the lawyer for. For me to file for divorce? Other than that I don't know how a lawyer will keep Dan from being a broken a$$.......
