Don't beat yourself up over the phone call. You sounded reasonable on your side. I have come to learn that asking questions doesn't always get us the answer we were hoping for.
I agree that the best thing for you right now is to concentrate on yourself. Take the time to see what you really need in your life. You keep saying that your H isn't the man you married, well, if he were to decide that he wants the M to work, would you want to be married to the new H? I can honestly say that the changes my H made were one's that I had been hoping for for years. And the changes I have made are ones he is happy I made as well.
As my mom says, write out a pros/cons list and see where you end up...(never worked for me...)
Know that I am sending calm and positive vibes to you...
You really didn't f**k up badly. I have had that same conversation with my W at least twice! We're human, and our spouses are putting us through hell, so we're entiteled to having our emotions run wild every now and then. Yesterday I was very hurt by my W, and what I did was come to the forum and journal and comment on a few other situations and afterwards I felt better. I was able to go downstairs and speak to my W in a friendly way. I think it is very important, as people keep telling me, to not let the WAS see us depressed or angry or hurt. That just reminds them that they don't want to be w/us anymore. Take a break from it all until the new year. Try to find peace and gather your thoughts. I have definitely felt like I was done with my W, but this morning I finally understood that letting go does not mean giving up. Take care of yourself and do your best to enjoy the holidays if you celebrate.
Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I have read them again and again.
Today is an exhausting day. Everything, including breathing, makes me tired. I went into work really late today - and I only did that after pep-talking myself into refusing to allow my stupid H to ruin my career. I think I'm going to leave early as well. Just don't have it in me to make it through today.
I need to respond to everyone. You are all so wonderful and so good to me. I am just so tired. Mental capacity is low right now. I spent the morning wallowing and feeling guilty. I felt terrible about the call last evening - it was pointless and set me back and it accomplished NOTHING. This is why I have to keep reminding myself that giving into the anger is pointless. The euphoria of "getting it off my chest" never lasts for long.
Then, as I was leaving to go to work, I flipped through some mail and found one on my stupid H's credit card statements. And so I opened it. I confirmed what I already had suspected - when he'd come home to "work it out", he was seeing that b****. He ate lunch at her restaurant on our f***ing anniversary. What really kills me is that he spent $22.50 at a po-dunk s***hole dive, so how did he spend that much. He must have tipped her well, that slut.
I then spent the drive into work blasting Marilyn Manson and fantasizing about confronting the OW at her stank little restaurant. Thoughts of wearing all of the most expensive things I own and stomping in with my girls made me cackle in the car. Yeah, I cackled. I really, truly want to make that b****'s life Hell. I know everyone is going to say I should be making my stupid H's life Hell - and believe me, I dream of it - but right now, it's this pathetic little b**** that is pissing me off. I dream of going there for lunch with my girl's and relishing the look of terror on my H's face. I imagine yanking those cheap-a** earrings out of her ears. I imagine asking her my very favorite question, which would be, "How do you like f***ing my sloppy seconds?" In my dream world, I then get up and throw $200 down on that table, telling her that she should use that money to fix herself up as my H is not used to f***ing cheap whores.
Oh, if only. It would be SO easy.
In any case, just thinking of my H right now disgusts me. I can't believe I married such a pathetic creep. Seriously, all I want right now is to destroy him.
I have information for two really good Private Investigators in the area. I am very seriously considering hiring one of them to follow my H and the skank so that I can get some good dirt. That way if he tries to get alimony, I will be able to provide proof of infidelity to counter it. And besides, it might be fun to file a fault D on the grounds of adultery and try to seek alimony from HIM. Don't think I'd get it, but hey. I wish Georgia was one of the states where you could sue the OW because I would totally do it.
I'm on the fence about the Private Investigator thing. I don't know if I should really consider spending any money on it, but right now it feels like the only way that I'll get the info I really want so I can face the whole thing and move on.
Wanted to document some stuff for my own mental records. This is the history of our email correspondence.
11/17 - my letter: H was staying with his dad for my first suggested tril separation. Had no idea about OW at this point. We had not spoken since 11/15, and I wrote this to him as a means of sharing my vulnerabilities.
Monday, November 17, 2008, 2:21 AM:
It's late, and I can't sleep. I find myself sitting in here thinking of all the other sleepless nights when I've written you notes - in high school, when thoughts of you kept me awake and full of all the anxious insomnia of young love. In college, when I tried to imagine your life halfway around the world, sleepless with a worry I could not allow myself to embrace in the daylight. In those days, I'd write you letters that I never sent. Some were kind. Some were not. The sad truth is that the kind letters were the most difficult to send because of the knots of fear that coiled inside me - fear that felt like anger because anger was easier to live with.
Anger is still much easier to live with.
You wouldn't believe the fears I'd had - of being laughed at, of being marginalized, of becoming the punch line in a joke. You know this, I think, but I wonder if you truly know how much those anxieties were about me and not you.
For the record, I never harbored those fears because I thought you a villain or a liar or somehow less than me. It was always more about my inner battles, about my demons taunting me from the sidelines.
All these years later, it is still extremely difficult for me to write you this email, but I am doing it because somewhere in the midst of all of my denial and repression and exterior calm, I realized that it might help you to know that I am lonely here. That I am afraid. That I miss you, and that I am filled with a hundred different flavors of sadness.
I am hurting, and I feel as though there is no floor beneath me.
As if my entire lexicon of beliefs is being rewritten, and here I am, left without definitions to match my words.
The house is an empty shell tonight, and my thoughts echo.
Loneliness is a living thing, circling like a vulture to peck at my reserve. The dryer cycles. Lola sleeps as she always sleeps, curled into the pillows on the bed. Outside, I hear the wind raw and whistling against the window panes.
And I am sitting on this couch on pins and needles, wondering if the truths I considered fundamental were ever true at all – the belief that no matter what my insecurity told me that you loved me even better than I could imagine, that I was the woman you really wanted – the exact thing, despite all the challenges. That you would always be there for me, my greatest champion, my friend in everything, my companion forever. I want so badly to believe that you love me in a pure way that, cerebrally, I understand is not realistic or fair or even possible. I want to believe that some part of me is still on your pedestal because so much of me has left my own.
I wanted so badly to believe that you would never want or need to ask the question, "Is she enough? Is what we have enough?"
It seems that there are so many delusions that I can no longer cling to, that have been washed away by this thing we call adulthood. I can no longer reside in the childish visions of myself, can no longer reside within the stories I spun for myself years ago when I was my own false prophet. I'm no genius. I'm no supermodel. I'm not a doctor of anything, and I'm 26 and still unpublished. I'm not fabulously rich, and I'm not an adventure-seeking, fearless tour de force of a woman.
So be it. Life goes on, and our understanding of ourselves – of what we want verses what we imaged we'd want – often diverge. I've made my peace with who I am and who I can still be. I've come to love the road I travel, to see potential in the pavement. Strangely enough, letting go of those visions was easy because I could believe in one thing, one fundamental constant in my world:
That you loved me despite my acerbic temperament, despite my desire to sabotage the good things in my life, despite all of my flaws. I held this delusion that at least you didn't doubt me, couldn't doubt me. That you saw me and only me. That other women were ghosts in comparison and could never approach my shoes let alone fill them. That I was something special, something magnificent. I wanted so badly to know that I was exactly what you wanted – that me as I am was the right thing, the only woman in the world. I realize that I haven't earned much of that over the years, and that it was an unfair fantasy, but I was in love with it nonetheless. It gave me strength, to believe that at least to one person I could be the sum total, the best possible version of myself.
Now, of course, I am faced with the pain of letting that last delusion go. And it is a colossal, wrenching pain. It makes my organs quiver and my feet twitch and my whole body tense with the last vestiges of denial. I am breaking and breaking and cobbling myself together at each fracture, trying desperately to mend the cracks in my fantasy world. My cool, collected front is an attempt at triage, a last ditch.
And so here I am, wondering what you've been thinking about today and trying to imagine what you'd been thinking all the days prior - if what I'd imagined could even come close to the truth. And I cannot help but ask myself the other questions, the nagging questions I hate to face:
If ____ has been all of this for me – the touchstone, the foundation, the champion - what have I been for ____? What do I do for ____, and why would he stay, why would he want to? In all of my glorious fantasies of myself through your eyes, how much, if any, of that image have I actually earned?
And I'm too afraid to ask myself if I can earn it. If I ever could.
It's that wait for the final lottery number, this limbo I'm suspended in, except in this case the stakes are higher because there's as much to lose as there is to gain.
In any case, I am sitting here - sleepless but tired - wondering whether I'm making the best choice in drafting this letter even as I am compelled to continue writing. But I am writing, and I am doing it because it occurred to me earlier today that in all of my business-like calm, you might have mistaken my attempt at fairness as indifference.
I am not indifferent, but I wanted to try to do right by you by maintaining my calm, by trying to listen and step outside of my own feelings in order to be judicious. I didn't want anger to win out as it tends to.
And I was also trying to do right by myself. I didn't want your decision to be based in some subconscious manipulation on my part. The questions that surround our wedding are questions I don't want to grapple with again; the idea that I pressured you into marrying me haunts me enough.
Of course, I also retained the composure I retained because anything less would have made me open my wounds to the salt that was our conversation. I would have been vulnerable - more vulnerable, perhaps, than you, and in my twisted mental world that would have been tantamount to being trampled. To being laughed at and used and discarded. To being humiliated.
Being vulnerable from - my unhealthy, inaccurate perspective - would have made me a fool.
The thing of it is, I'm not very good at being vulnerable in general. You know this, of course. A part of me wishes I could change my instincts, that I could suppress the angry little builder in me that erects these protective walls, but another part of feels safe in this house I've built.
It's so easy to be angry or detached. There's a false righteousness in there. There's some part of me that's so angry at the chance I might look foolish that I do anything and everything I can to avoid it. What it really comes down to is fear - fear that I'll wake up one day and find my world turned on its head, that all the things I believed to be true would instead be false. A facade. Smoke over the mirrors.
If I could look at all of this anger and detachment under a microscope and pinpoint the single-cell that bore it all into my world, I'd be looking at my father and mother, at the boys the made fun of me in elementary school.
But these are all old stories, long stories that my weary fingers can no longer attempt to type. There's too much to say to be said though this medium, and my eyelids grow heavy. Perhaps, in the end, I'm terrified that you'll see that parts of me that I hide from myself - the weaker parts, the kinder parts, the more average parts.
I want to tell you how much I love you, but I can't. I'm too afraid that you won't love me as much - or at all - or that perhaps it won't matter enough in the end.
To end as I began, it's late, but I think perhaps I can sleep now. I've promised myself that I won't send this letter yet; that I'll consider my words in the light of day when there's less likelihood of misconstruing my meaning. That'll I'll wait until I am sure I can share these sentiments, until I am ready to deal with any response even if that means none at all.
Goonight,
Me
11/17 - his response:
We've got a lot work out and talk about. I'd be lying if I said I did not miss you and Lola. Its not fun living in a room five feet by five feet. I miss you. Meet me at ______ on Thursday at 9pm if you can. Be safe.
After that, we ended up meeting in the evening of 11/18. He asked for a D after I pressured him for "a verdict". He came home after I called him crying. He assured me everything would be ok. We made it until about 11:30 PM on 11/20, our 4 year anniversary. He admitted there was "another woman" and left. This email was the first contact I had from him after leaving:
11/22 - his email:
Hello _____ [proper name],
I'm writing in order to make sure the bill situation is getting worked out. When I left you told me you wanted the car, house, and everything. That's fine. I just want you to know that I'm not going to pay any bills associated with the house and or vehicle due to having to find a place to rent and can't afford it. If you want to give me the car then I can pay that along with insurance, but I honestly can't afford the house payment. Also everything such as cable, electric, water/utilities needs to get paid as well. I'm not going to be able to pay for that as well. I'm going to take the home security system unless you want it, but that also comes with a thirty dollar monthly payment as well. If you decided to keep the house or sell and not let it foreclose than we need to get together in order to change everything in your name so you get credit for it. If not I'll have to let it bankrupt. _____ [proper name], for the record I never had any sexual relations with anyone, I was only talking. I'm going to come over Tuesday afternoon with one of my coworkers to retrieve my belongings. I'll make sure to only grab my gear. Also can you leave out my family photos as well. I won't keep you any longer.
_____
11/22 - my response:
Good afternoon, ____.
Thank you for your email. I truly hope that this note finds you well.
As far as your request for my response is concerned, I respectfully request a little more time in responding. The decisions to be made in this situation will have long-standing consequences, therefore I require more time in responding as to the exact nature of my position in regards to the items I will take. I would appreciate it greatly if you would give me until 10:00 AM on Tuesday, November 25th to respond to you thoroughly as to how to proceed. I do appreciate greatly that you promised that I could have whatever I wanted in any way that I wanted, and that the terms of our settling of affairs would be my decision. I thank you for that, and it is a mark of your character.
As I have requested that you wait until Tuesday morning for my full answer, I think it best to schedule the removal of your possessions for Wednesday or Thursday. Please let me know the time that you will arrive to remove your things. If you require anything from the house immediately, I can have a neutral party meet you to deliver those items. I will of course leave your family photos out for you, and I will do my best to separate our goods ahead of time so as to save you time in rifling through each room.
When you left, I said that one day I hoped we could come together as friends, and I meant it. We have had a long journey together, and although we are both opening a new chapter in our lives, I hope that we can each look back at our season together with fondness, warmth, and appreciation for the time we had. I know that I will. I truly wish you the best on your continuing journey, and I wish you happiness and fulfillment in all you do.
Sincerely, _____
He did not respond by email. We worked things out by text/over the phone mostly. The next emails were two emails sent by me. I sent pictures of our dog to him.
11/23 - my two emails:
____,
I thought you might like to have this picture of Lola that I took in your truck with my cell phone. I will send you a series of emails with files of digital photos that you might want later that are saved on my computer but not printed/developed.
Take care of yourself, and give my best wishes to your family.
____
I hope you had a good time at Steve's tonight - or are having a good time if you are still there.
I've attached several pics from the computer that you might want.
11/23 - his response:
Thanks for all the photos. I'll always cherish them. When is a good time for me to come over and pick some things up? If you don't feel comfortable with someone there, then I can come alone. I'll pick up the bike up some other day. I just need to pick my guns up (minus yours), clothes, and my mail. I promised ____ and ____ [sister and BIL] one of my guns. I can come over any evening after you get back from work. Please let me know before you leave to Chicago. Thanks ____[my pet name].
11/24 - my response:
You're very welcome, ____. There's still a good deal of pictures left, and we can talk about the ones you want, etc, when we meet up.
I honestly don't feel comfortable with someone else coming over yet, so I think it's probably best that you bring them over to pick up the bike while I'm in Chicago. I'd like to sit down with you and discuss the best ways to settle things. We need to figure out things in the house that you want, talk about bills and timeframes for this process, talk about when/how all of our stuff will be removed, etc. I'd prefer to do this at the house as I think it will help to physically be here and go through things, and you can spend some time with Stink Pink as well. Perhaps we can even figure out how that is going to work, as I know she misses you and vice versa.
Also, have you considered spending the time I am in Chicago here at the house? I honestly think it would be a good idea. It will be difficult in many ways, but on the flip side you will get time to go through and pack your things, and you'll get some time/closure with Loocow. I will ask, however, that you please do not bring the woman you are dating to the house as I just think that would be too difficult for me.
I'm pretty flexible on a time to meet as I have taken the week off of work. My personal feeling is that it would be best to sit down this evening or tomorrow evening. We can have some dinner and figure out logistics instead of trying to be painfully formal, etc.
I hope you're doing well, and Loocow sends her love and says you're not just gross but super-gross.
____[my pet name]
11/24 - new email from me: I sent this later in the day, as we talked on the phone after I sent the above email.
This is going to sound really strange to you coming from me, but if you have a rosary with you, could you bring it with you tomorrow? I'd like to pray with you. I know that sounds really strange, but I've been praying the rosary alot, asking God to carry me and guide me to help accept the path he's chosen for me that I don't have enough wisdom to understand. I've been through alot of internal growth and change over the past few days, and I've been finding peace with God.
I feel inside that this is my time to connect with God again after so many, many years of cynicism and selfishness, and I thought you might find peace in praying as well.
I know this must sound insane to you coming from me of all people, and I understand if you feel too uncomfortable to want to sit down and pray with me. It's ok if you don't want to. It won't hurt my feelings. I just wanted to ask you as I just finished praying, and I felt something in my heart that said that we should pray together to guide us and give us strength.
I know you are moving on and letting go, and I am trying my best to release myself to that path. I don't want you to think I have ulterior motives here. I just felt the deep need inside to do this with you if you are open to it.
____ [my pet name]
11/24 - his response:
_____[proper name],
I understand I put you through the ringer. I know how hard it must be. Its equally hard for me as well and I'm finding an equally difficult time trying to figure out things in life. I don't think I'm going to come over tomorrow. I'll make due until you leave. I want to come over, but I think we both need time to think. I'm weirded out on how your taking this whole situation. I don't blame you one bit because it's sh*tty of me in the end. I don't know what to think anymore. Please forgive me, but I can't be there tomorrow. I'll talk to you later.
11/24 - my response: I wonder what would have happened if I'd just shut my f***ing mouth.....
____,
First of all, let me just say that although I've been through the ringer, it is NOT your fault. I was in here, making my own mistakes as well. It really is ok. I told you that I forgive you and that I understand, and I truly do. I know it's really hard to match what I'm saying with my personality, but somewhere inside of me a light was flipped - it's like I can understand things now that I just couldn't before. I can see things clearly, and in my heart I just feel very changed. That's why I told you about the thing on EWTN. It was really weird, because I'd been feeling lost and desolate again, so I'd prayed the rosary and felt so peaceful. I asked God to help me to be humble and accept the future as it will be rather than try to make it something it's not. I prayed for wisdom to do the right thing, whatever that may be. And then I went into the living room, started flipping channels, and when I got to EWTN the remote froze up. And I started listening instead of flipping channels. I watched Mass and then the program that I told you about came on, and it was all about how sometimes in life, if you are filled with selfishness and cyncism, God has to basically smack you in the head with a hammer to make you come to your senses and understand how to really love - to love God, yourself, and others. I think the priest said that God "hits you where it hurts most." That's really what happened to me. I know it's so hard to believe coming from me of all people, but when I heard the priest talking I knew it was true. The thing is, I didn't understand about love or God or myself until this happened and I had to face all this pain. I thought I was loving selflessly, but what I really was doing was trying to find love for myself and wasn't alowing myself to love correctly. I can see that now. And I can see that I have treated you so unfairly for so long that I can do nothing but pray for us to find our way - whatever that way may be.
I have regrets, of course, but I have to accept the lesson in whatever way it comes.
I understand you may be falling in love with someone else right now, and I know you're facing feelings of guilt, uncertainty, and pain. And I promise you that it's ok. I really do understand, and even though I love you - truly, just as you are, and perhaps correctly for the first time ever - I know that you feel you need to let go and move on to something else. And I can't do anything but accept that. It hurts, of course, but I cannot feel anything but love and hope for you.
I'm sorry that it's probably very hard to read this. I don't want you to feel any kind of pressure from me, because my motives aren't to change you but to let you know that it will be ok. You will be ok, and I will be ok.
I'd be lying if I said I wanted a divorce, but I know that part of loving someone is letting them go if they have to go, and so in my heart I am doing that. I feel in my heart that there really is a plan for us that we are not wise enough to see, and so I have to accept that the plan might differ from my own desires.
I honestly hope that you believe what I'm saying. I know this must seem really crazy coming from me, and I am sorry if I am causing you any undo stress.
I understand that you don't feel comfortable coming over tomorrow. It really is ok. I'm torn inside between the desire to not be so honest with you because you might interpret it differently than it is intended and it might make you uncomfortable, but somehow I feel like I have not been honest for so long that I can't stop myself.
I'm so sorry that I wierded you out. Take all the time you need. I'll probably call you a little later just because I have a couple logistical questions that I need to ask as you'll be coming to the house while I'm away.
____
11/24 - another stinking email from me: Wow, I was persistent as Hell. So, I'd called him and told him that I might be pregnant. I followed it up with this email. He texted me in return.
I'm sorry if it was wrong of me to tell you or if I upset you for no reason. I probably should have held off, but I thought you had the right to know. I'll go get a test tomorrow. I would go today, but I can't renew my license until tomorrow and my parents won't let me drive without a license and I don't want to have to say anything to my mom.
I'll call you and let you know the results. It will be ok no matter what. Don't think I'd do anything terrible like getting rid of it. We could still go through it together even if we divorce, so don't feel this is a pressure thing. Plus it might not even be true and therefore would be moot. Don't stress about it too much.
11/25 - my email: I sent this after packing a suitcase of stuff for him to pick up while I was out of town.
Hey. I was packing for Chicago tonight and thought it might be helpful to pack some things in your suitcase that you probably were gonna pick up tomorrow anyways. It's in the walk-in closet where the laundry basket normally is. I separated out your bills and they are on the desk in the office. There's a package for ____ [sister] and ____ [nephew] that my mom left on the counter, and there's a little toy for Lucy on the counter that my aunt sent. The alarm keypad thing is on the mirror by the front door.
Feel free to come over whenever - my mom won't be around, so no need to worry there.
Here's my itinerary in case you need it to plan your visits or for whatever:
Leave: - Wednesday, November 26 - Depart Savannah xx:xx xM EST - Arrives O'Hare xx:xx xM CST
Return: - Saturday, November 29 - Depart O'Hare xx:xx xM CST - Arrive Savannah xx:xx xM EST
Oh, and in case you need to call me for something, you know how stupid the _____ network can be so if you can't get my phone, you can call ___ at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Have a fun holiday and give my love to your family. ~____
11/26 - his response:
Thanks for everything ____ [proper name] and to your family as well. I know things are hard right now for you and I feel horrible. I'll check on the house periodically. Try to enjoy yourself with ____. I'll send your love to my family. Please do the same with yours. Also tell stink pink I love her. Be safe up there. When you get back we can sit down and go over all the bill stuff and time lines. Be safe. Also is there anything on the laptop of yours because if it's okay I want to go ahead and take with me. Take care ____ [pet name].
____
11/30 - my email: I wrote this after the encounter we had at the house when I returned from Chicago and came home to find the letter from him that I previously posted.
Good morning, Stink.
I know my mom wrote you last night - found out this morning and believe me, I am upset with her. I know it makes things harder for you, and makes you feel unneccessary pressure, and I'm sorry for that. My mom is a simple, kind-hearted person, and she can't seem to hold herself back in times like these. I hope the letter was not too hard for you to read and that you're not angry with her. She really loves you so much and it's hard for her to keep her thoughts to herself.
I guess you could say we're kinda the same in that way.
I really do appreciate you coming over last night. I know it was hard for you, and I know you're angry and perhaps somewhat resentful that I'm putting all of this change and pressure on you and not outwardly respecting your need for distance. I can honestly say that in my heart I am trying, but you know me and my thoughts - it's too hard to keep them inside. I'm sorry that I pushed you so hard to stay last night. I understand why you couldn't. The bitter irony is the only person in the world who could comfort me right now is you - not even because of the situation, per se, but because you've always been my strength. When you hug me and talk with me, I just feel better. That's why I was trying so hard to get you to stay last night. I wanted a little dose of "feel better" even though I knew in my heart that you were saying goodbye.
I know that I need to let you go. It's easier said than done, of course, but I am trying. I do hope that you can let me do it in my own way. Believe it or not, it really does help me to talk to you, email you, text you, etc. It makes me feel less like there's been a death and more able to try to reset my internal gage to "friend".
In many ways, I'm glad that you feel free, and I'm sorry that you never felt that freedom with me. I can understand why you didn't. If I look back over the course of our 11 years I can see all of the signs. You needed time and room to grow - and perhaps so did I - but we were together and that togetherness, though enriching, perhaps stunted some of that growth. During the times when most people are out experimenting - running free and finding themselves, dating and following their own dreams - you and I were committed and building a life together. That makes it difficult to see the forest for the trees. I've had my own times in life where I've questioned us, where I've felt like we were maybe complacent or only half here. I always came back to the love, though, and made my choices to bear that weight and reinvent my ideas of life because it felt worth it. Perhaps that is my own weakness. But the point is, I get the siren's song of the self, and I understand your need to follow it. I think the tragedy is that what we have - the love, the closeness, the humor and comraderie - that's what people who are lucky end up with in life. But it's a burden to bear for people as young as us who perhaps skipped some growth stages in the process.
Of course the other bitter tragedy in all of this is that we've come to separate epiphanies, you and I. I've perhaps found God for the first time ever, and I've found within myself the desire to finally be a wife and mother. Now, those desires have nowhere to go, and I must force myself to reinvent once again.
I wish that we could try again, but I really do get that if we did, you would always wonder what and who you would have been without me. That's a heavy cross to bear, and I know that eventually it would become too heavy again, as you said.
Mark, I do have so many regrets. I wish I could turn back time and change so many things. I wish that I could cry openly with you while you were in Afghanistan, and that I would have put aside all of my childish fears and written you every single day. I wish that I could go back to the time before we got married and given you your time then, when it would have been easier for both of us and when we perhaps could have found ourselves and then found eachother once again. I wish that I could go back to our wedding and let the disc jockey play every single song you wanted to hear instead of being so selfish. I wish that I could have waited longer to buy this house, and that I could have found the motherly place in my heart sooner. I wish that I could have shown you more respect outwardly and that I could have deferred to you more, that I could have been more of a partner and a real wife.
And most of all, I wish in my childish way that everything could be ok again. That I could hang out with you and watch Christopher Lee strangle some poor bastard on this rainy day. I wish that you and I and Loo-cow could snuggle together in bed, laying like humans, and take a nap. I wish that I could make love to you again and memorize every moment to carry with me into the great unknown.
But these things are not meant to be, I know.
The sad thing is that everyone tells me I'm going to be this great person, but all I want is to be a normal person. Such is life, my friend. Some times, we just miss the train.
I am thinking of our history today. I remember every dance we ever attended - the taste of the Krystals, the texture of the nightime wind as we drove. I remember that first dance - the first millitary ball sophomore year where I wore my blue dress and your hands found my garter belt. I remember that baseball field where we used to park, and the time we went for a "drive" and got your dad's station wagon caught in the mud. I remember the "boxed chicken" incident and the ensuing mortification. I remember your old house, your mom in her PJs talkign to Willy and you and I in the bedroom with the door locked, with King and his blue eye laying beside the bed. I remember that time when Rachel and Brian and you and I went down to Tybee for the first time and the seagulls were everywhere. And I remember how I cried when you left for boot camp, and how, when you came back, I was so shocked to find a man in place of the boy that left me. I remember you standing in the shower, wearing your dog tags and washing your hair with a bar of soap. How I loved you in that moment. If I could find that moment again, I would. And I remember the first hotel we made love in, with it's dingy kitchenette and the prostitutes outside. And then there were all the times in college - dorm visits and sharing that tiny bed, the motels and fast food, the time we went to Insomnia and Mandy embarrassed everyone. I'll never forget the fun we had in Cleveland, our God-awful first apartment with its black mold, or eating shrimp cocktail with you on our wedding night. You are inside every fond memory since my fifteenth birthday, and I will carry that fondness with me always.
In any case, know that I will always love you. You were my first everything - date, dance, kiss, sexual partner, husband, love - and so I will always carry you in my heart. I know you said that I will move on and find true love, and I know that you are right. So will you. But I hope you know that this is true love as well - true love that perhaps, heartbreakingly, came at the wrong time. There's a poem by Auden that pretty much sums things up:
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
I love you, my ____, and I will continue to miss you always. Find yourself. Be free. I know that what you will find will thrill you because you will find a strong, fearless, kind, talented and intelligent man beyond even what you imagine now.
____, I know this was hard to read. Please forgive me for sending it. It helps me to write you, and I hope you can find it in your heart not to shut me out, to allow me these bits of contact that - though they may seem counterproductive to you - actually help me immensely.
Always your friend, ____ [my nickname]
12/08 - his email: He sent this the Monday after he came over (Satruday) and slept with me.
Hey ____ [my pet name],
Just wanted to write and let you know that I went ahead and got that place. I'll need to turn the power on some time this week. I'll go to the power company and ask them what we need to do about switching the power and putting it in your name at the house. I just want to make sure that you are covered and not getting screwed. I'll find out and will let you know. I'll start packing this weekend. I'll also give you the house key back this weekend. Okay ____ [pet name], I'll keep you informed.
____
12/08 - he sent this email several hours later:
____ [pet name],
I also just wanted to write to see if your okay and if things were still scary across the street. Even though we are separated I still care for you and hope everything is safe.
____
12/18 - his email:
Good afternoon _____ [proper name],
Just wanted to give you a heads up in regards to some bills that need to be paid in order not disrupt service. The Protect America bill is due (29.95) and the insurance bill is due on or before the 25th (114.95). Just want to make sure that you have no problems with service disruption. Okay, take care and when your able to (January) we can hook up and go over everything to sort out everything once more concerning the bills, property, and civil processes. Thanks for your time ____[proper name].
____
12/20 - his email: He forwarded the insurance info for me to pay.
Here is the car insurance renewal policy ___ [pet name].
Thanks, ____
12/20 - my response:
Thanks for sending this. Could you give me the login and password? I can't get in to pay it.
Thanks again.
12/20 - his response:
I don't know the login and password. If you go to the Drive Insurance websit just hit where it says "pay bill" on the home page. It will bring you to a screen where you need to input the account number (located on the forwarded email) and other personal information. From there it will bring you to a screen to input your payment option. If this doesn't work let me know and I'll pay it and you can pay me back until we switch it into your name.
Thanks, ____
12/21 - my response:
Thanks for the info. It is now paid.
12/21 - new email from him:
___ [proper name],
I know I keep pushing for us to hurry and settle our financial issues and for that I'm sorry. I just want to hurry and clear everything up in order for us to press forward. When your able to in January lets take a day and try to handle most of these issues at once. I figure the same day we handle the comcast account, we can also go down to Peter's Enterprise and handle the car insurance account by putting it into your name. After that we could call Protect America and do the same as well. Tommorrow I'll call centerone financial services for the car and see what we need to do about getting that into your name. As far as the house I believe you should be able to refinance the house on your own due to your increased income and since interest rates have went down. In the end if you feel you can't handle any of this you need to tell me in order for me to start the paperwork for a bankruptcy and for me to pick up the eclispe. I keep bringing this issue up because when we get divorced I'll have all those items on my credit and will find myself hard press to buy another house or vehicle due to the debt to income ratio. I'm sorry this keeps being brought up but I feel it will be better for the both of us in the end. Please don't take this email as me being an [censored] or a dick. I'm just trying to square all the financial issues before they become a problem.
Thanks, ____ Please email back.
And there you have it, the history our of email correspondence. Hee haw. I'm trying to find a pattern in all of it.
Ah well, time to go home and eat in my sad, lonely house.
Damn - almost forgot. These are the two emails my mom sent him. Yeesh.
11/23:
____,
I just had to somehow communicate with you and let you know how shocked Dad and I were about all that has come about in the past week. We are saddened greatly. I am not as good as Nasmat or Dad in putting my thoughts into words but I will try because I think it is important you know how I feel. ____, I can't tell you how much my heart aches for you both but also particularly so for Nasmat who is hurting more each day. This has been very hard for me and it feels like I am losing a family member. ____, we have always loved you and have always had great respect for you. You have been like a son to me. My sister and mother are also very saddened by all this and they have been very upset. My mother particularly hurts and as Nasmat said to me the other day, she is particularly fond of you. So you see how you are loved by so many and that is why this is so hard. When there is so much love for both, that makes it particularly hard to bear. If the love wasn't there then it wouldn't hurt so much but when love is there, the hurt goes deep. I am particularly worried about Nasmat. As each day goes by I see her hurting more. She told me she talked to you this morning. ____, usually divorce is a last resort and before that conclusion is reached, couples will try everything possible to try to work things out. I just wish you both could have tried hard to work things out. You two have been through a lot in the past eleven years; you've weathered a lot and I think there were lots of good things in store for both of you in the future. You know, I told Nasmat yesterday that I always envisioned you both growing old together! I have been hoping and praying that somehow things would work out for the better. I will still hope and pray for that up until the very end. Despite all that has happened, I still love you and I will never forget you. Every time I look at Lola, I think of you because you are the one who rescued her! Speaking of Lola, I know she misses you particularly as nighttime draws near. She goes to the door and looks out the window a lot and I think she is looking for you. ____, you are a very intelligent, hard-working and kind person. Never lose those traits. Because of them I know you will go far in life. You have always done well in your profession, ____, and we have always been so proud of you! And never lose that deep love you have for animals. Goodness knows we need more people like that in the world. I wish you lots of luck and success in your future endeavors. And I will never ever forget you. You will always hold a special place in my heart!
____, I hope I have expressed my thoughts and feelings in this email to you. I have been so upset lately that my mind is a little muddled. I just wish all this never happened and that you two could indeed grow old together. You take good care of yourself. I do worry about you, too.
Love from Mom (Mrs. T.)
PS. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
11/30:
Dear ____,
When I picked Nasmat up at the airport today, she seemed in a better frame of mind and more upbeat and hopeful. When I dropped her off at home I really was hopeful that things would work out and that you would move back home and you both would try hard to make it work. But my hopes were shattered when she called home crying and we both rushed over to see her. I have to admit that I was very angry but after I read your letter to Nasmat I now have a better understanding and now my heart is breaking for you both. ____, after reading your letter to Nasmat, I do understand this outcome more but at the same time I can't quite understand and accept why you would want to lose so much....a beautiful home and a wonderful wife. I told Nasmat and Dad that I don't think I ever have come across in my life someone who is so terribly confused, lost and troubled as you are. And that is a shock to me because I never saw that in you. I wish we saw that long ago because just maybe we could have helped you in some way. And now I worry about you even more and my heart aches so for you. I told Dad (Mr. T.) that if we saw this coming a while ago it might not be so traumatic but we never saw this coming and it has hit like a ton of bricks....literally!!!! I just wish all this would have come about before you got married but after 11 years of deep friendship and four good married years, this all is so much harder to bear. Today Nasmat was of the frame of mind that if love is still there then things can work out. This is what is so very tragic about the whole thing......the love, especially that Nasmat has, is so strong......that is what makes it so hard! Actually there is so much love still on all sides.....on your side of the family and then also on my side of the family.....Dad and I and also with my sister and mom. We all have always loved you both so much and always will. My heart just aches so for you, being so confused and troubled, and for Nasmat who has such deep love for you. Her heart is breaking and that heartache will be with her for a long time. And she will never ever lose that love for you.....even later in life. ____, as I have told you before, you have always been like a son to us and we have always loved you. And I feel like I am losing a loved one....like a loved one has died. Yes I am angry that this all has happened (never in my wildest dreams did I ever see anything like this happening with you two!) but at the same time my heart aches for you. I truly do think that if your mother was alive, things might be different in some ways. I truly wish your mother was here for you. I wish I could be a mother to you but I can't because no one ever could take your mother's place. But I do want you never to forget how much I love you and will never ever forget you! I've been praying to God to show us all the way because I really have not known what to do and I have just left everything in His hands to lead the way and let His will be done. I guess He is showing us the way even though it is not what I wanted. I do pray that God will help you find yourself and give you what you truly want in life. I wish that could have been with Nasmat but I have to accept that it is not meant to be.
____, my sister always does her Xmas shopping early and has sent gifts for you. I want you to please accept them and my sister wants you to please have them. I have left them at the house so please take them. Also, I wish you would keep at least one of those jack knives that were my father's (I think I gave you two). Actually, I wish you would keep even the big knife my mother gave you that was my dad's in the Navy. I know he would have wanted you to have it; he would have been so proud of you being in the Marines and would have wanted you to keep it. You decide; my mom and I would want you to have those but if you do not want to keep them then I wish you could at least keep one of the jack knives.
____, my heart is breaking so and it will for a long time. I love you and will think of you a lot in the years to come hoping that you will find yourself and find love and happiness again. But please, never forget that Nasmat truly loves you so and you will always be with her in thought and in her soul.
Please take care of yourself. If you could have that operation to correct your sleep apnea, I wish you would. That type of surgery is done all the time and will correct the problem. I just worry that if you don't have the operation then the sleep apnea will lead to heart problems or other medical problems. Take care and remember I will never forget you and will always love you and you'll always hold a special place in my heart despite all that has happened. I will try to keep in touch with your dad and sisters to see how you are doing and what you are doing. I will truly miss you!!
I will always hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Mom (Mrs. T.)
Yeah, so I could have killed my mother for sending these. She sent them without telling me, and you KNOW they did not help at all.
Of course, he never had the balls to email her back. What a coward he is.
Parents mean well, but they often do more harm than good. Don't be too mad her (if you even are), remember it came from a very good place. My parents have also my pain on as their own. I'm very close to them (it looks like you're close to your family as well), and I know they love me very much, but they too have made some mistakes in all of this. I just think no one really knows how to react to these things. Take care, and I hope you make yourself have a good day today.
Today is an interesting day. Last night I fell asleep in sadness. Today, I woke up with something like forgiveness in my heart. These are the steps to moving on, I think. Slowly, surely, but with much stumbling.
I woke up this morning with a sore throat. I felt sick, and so I didn't go into work. I should have, and I feel guilty about it, but not going in has given me some perspective that I needed.
During my second semester of my freshmen year of college, I fell sick with Graves Disease. I didn't know it at the time; at the time, I thought that the transition into college was just too much for me. I was severely depressed, and I constantly skipped class. I skipped and skipped and skipped in an attempt to shield myself from the pain of trying. I was seeking my bliss in recreation, but I did little work.
At the end of the semester, I failed out of one class and passed two with D's. Prior to falling sick, I'd been a straight-A student. I had to go home and face all of the unpleasant consequences - my parent's anger, my own disappointment, my sadness at losing one scholarship and jeopardizing the others.
Life seemed so bleak, and at one moment, I even considered giving up on life in general. It was a very brief moment, but it happened nonetheless.
Eventually, I ended up being rushed to the hospital with what was a minor heart attack. My doctor had been medicating me for depression, and the drugs he'd used had actually caused me to enter into a potentially fatal condition called a thyroid storm.
After being properly diagnosed, I was faced with a huge decision. I could take the advice of my family and doctors and spend a year recovering at my parent's home, going to class at a local college. Or, I could return to my university on my own and struggle to bring up my grades enough to keep my scholarships.
I chose the struggle, and I never regretted it. It was difficult as Hell, and I had many moments of bleakness and discouragement, but in the end what I ended up gaining was much more than pride in my diploma - it was the knowledge that I was strong enough, that I would not give in when life seemed to be conspiring against me. I learned to appreciate the beauty in everyday life so much more. I spent the best, freest, happiest years of my life after my life had seemingly fallen apart.
Today, I truly remembered all of that. I realized that I am hiding from work in much the same way that I was hiding from school. I realized that I have been given another opportunity to stand strong and chose to live - to really live - and to not hide from anything.
I cannot change what I have done today - what I have been doing for the past several weeks - any more than I can change that I didn't go to all of those classes I failed. I cannot change that my husband has left me anymore than I can change that I have Graves Disease.
But I can change how I can move forward. I can choose to remember who I really am, to decide to face my future and work with what I do have.
Interestingly enough, when I was recovering from Graves Disease, I did it alone. My husband (then boyfriend) was overseas. My family was there in the background, but could not truly help me. I had my friends, but they could not do anything except remind me how to be happy.
I survived that, and I will survive this. I don't know what will happen, but I know in the end that life goes on, and if we are observant, we see that life is beautiful in any case.
I did not allow a disease to determine the course of my life, and I will not allow my husband's choice to determine it either.
I was so angry with him, and it is so easy to fall into that anger again, but in the end, he is a human being just like me. Just like me, he is confused and lost. And just like me, he has to find his own path.
I miss him still. Sometimes, I miss him so deeply that I feel I cannot continue. But the truth is, I can. And I will.
And so will he.
Only God knows whether we are meant to continue together or apart, but what I do know is that we must continue.
I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tried of being angry. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of trying to look back on my life and decipher every moment through this new lens. The moments we had held there own value at the time, and I do not want to allow the present to diminish the past or taint the future.
I hope that all of us can find some peace, some quiet, and that in those moments we can remember who we truly are.
I was packing for Chicago tonight and thought it might be helpful to pack some things in your suitcase that you probably were gonna pick up tomorrow anyways. It's in the walk-in closet where the laundry basket normally is. I separated out your bills and they are on the desk in the office. There's a package for ____ [sister] and ____ [nephew] that my mom left on the counter, and there's a little toy for Lucy on the counter that my aunt sent. The alarm keypad thing is on the mirror by the front door.