A Sailor's Christmas

[S.T. _I Made It!]

phoenix, I would agree except that they are not D yet. he has not filed, and hasn't even talked about it since who knows when. and SMW is under that faith that her M will be saved. So, depending on which direction she's taking, I think it will make a difference on how she chooses to react to him.

[Phoenixdeux]

ST,

I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.

[ernest88]

ST,

I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.

exactly...he's on a ship..his only contact (when he chooses) is via email or phone..I think she should be very mysterious and not tell him what she is doing..let him sweat a bit and wonder what she is up to..what a better time to detach?? he's away..she should be detached beyond detached..this time should be used for her..and the kids..

[S.T. _I Made It!]

ST,

I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.

I understand your point. I'm just basing this on my own experience, going thru my sitch and God restoring my M, I did not get my H to respond out of fear. It's not about kissing butt though. she should never be kissing up, but instead IMHO she should show him how great her life is by her actions/words. by her not contacting him except on few occassions and the responses being only to answer him, does not really show him anything except that she's probably upset with him.

Now, I'm not saying this way won't work, I do not know that answer, only God does, but as a Christian wife, I know that God told me to be the best wife I could be and be the best person I could be and to let him go. If he came back, thank God, if not, I would still be okay as God was watching over me.

My reasoning is this. If there still is someone else involved, as we don't know if OW is still contacting DH, then IMHO, it is best for the LBS to look like the better option. The LBS is the small light that guides the WAS out of his fog.

SMW, I really felt things were going good before he left. sure he spent time with OW, so did my H, but he was getting comfortable with you, having fun with you and the kids. That is the beginning. Perhaps God needed H to fall a little longer. Sometimes he allows us to go thru hardships so that we can understand our weakness and that we cannot go thru this without him. Perhaps this time is also for you. To make you stronger, to bring you closer to Him, to bring a closer relationship between you and H.

I will continue to pray for all of you, and that you will make the right choices and receive patience strength and wisdom.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

ST,

I know they aren't divorced. And being under faith that your marriage will be saved doesn't mean that life is on hold waiting for that chance. You make it happen. Men do not respond to kissing butt. They respond out of fear...fear of losing something they had. His e-mail indicates that he's questioning whether it could be over...it isn't a bad thing to leave him in doubt about where he stands. If SMW lets him know she's still on the hook...he'll be content to let her stay there while he figures out which of two women he wants more.

exactly...he's on a ship..his only contact (when he chooses) is via email or phone..I think she should be very mysterious and not tell him what she is doing..let him sweat a bit and wonder what she is up to..what a better time to detach?? he's away..she should be detached beyond detached..this time should be used for her..and the kids..

I think I'm not getting my point right. I totally agree this is a great time to detach. Yes, she should be mysterious as well as having him believe she's having a great life too. it doesn't mean to spill out everything, but to be elusive. Now if you mean being detach meaning to go dark, I'm not in agreement with that.


SMW, one thing I would take note, is the fact that he inquired on the kids and the emails he sent to them. IMHO, those were good steps. Perhaps you should maintain some consistency as of now to see if things get better or worse.

[Phoenixdeux]

ST,

I'm with you. I'm not saying go dark either...but grey isn't so bad. She doesn't have to be prompt with her replies to e-mails. But I've always felt that rude isn't the way to go either. Answer the phone, sound sweet and happy, listen, but make it brief without being rude. Little doses of good stuff. BUT (big but here ), if you are doing things right, you won't have a whole lot of time to wait for the next call or e-mail.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

GoingForward, I am somewhat on your side of the fence regarding this.

IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other, albeit he started it first.

So, I am on a Merry -go-round and not a roller coaster? great! They make me completely sick to my stomach I think I prefer the roller coaster.

So I told SMW I was glad that she has chosen to respond to his emails, as I think it is the polite and courteous thing to do, and I would expect, or like my H to do the same to me. Or anyone for that matter.

Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.

I am not done being nice, I am done going out of my way to be nice.

However, as I mentioned to her in an email, that when I was dealing with my H, I wanted him to see me as happy, having fun, enjoying life, and enjoying him when he was enjoyable, and not letting his action affect me. I wanted him to think that I was capable of going on alone and being just fine and happy without him, but not that I was upset or mad at him. Now he DID know that I did not approve of his A, and in fact I despised his choices, but I wasn't going to let it affect my own happiness. If he wanted to screw up his life, then so be it, I'll be making my own life.

I do not tell him anything that I am doing. He has not expressed any interest in any of it at all since the bomb. Not school, nothing. Even when he was coming over here and I was going out, he never said a word about it, never asking where I was going--he was only worried about when I would be home so he could leave.

anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?

And, since the only person who might say anything to him is his BF, who would hear it from his wife, and BF is on the side of reconciliation, I don't think he would much care to hear it. I do not see my inlaws very often--once a month or so, at most. I do not know that they would say anything to him, since they are non-confrontational and do not want to face teh reality of what is going on.

Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.

Right now, the only time his choices bother me is when I feel like he is jerking the kids around. Last month, when he talked to D5 on the phone, he told her we could all go to Disney World when he gets back. WTH was that?????? Did he mean it or was he just playing along with her to tell her no later? She has been telling everyone that her Daddy said we are going to Disney World when he gets home. I sincerely hope, for everyone's sake, that he meant it.

sorry SMW if I wasn't speaking directly to you.

love ya, and you just take my opinions however you want.

It is okay. I know you guys are all trying to help me make the best decisions for ME first, then the kids, and ultimately, with God's grace, my M.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other

I totally agree with that.

SMW, I apologize if my post might've made you feel as if I were invalidating you. That was never my intention. I guess I was just a little more focused on your DH's feelings after reading his e-mail to you because like ST, I did not think it was bad either, and I was trying to show you what I thought/think is an issue for DH - not hearing from the kids (and possibly even you).

I do not think you invalidated my feelings and you did give me something to think about. I don't think the email was necessarily bad or good. I just want to know why all the sudden he is even giving a crap. Unfortunately I do not think that is a question he is even capable of answering.

Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.

I suppose I was under the wrong impression then. I figured since that's what she wrote, those were her feelings and she must have wanted him to know. Otherwise, why would she write and send that email?

I also understand her frustration, though, of feeling like she's doing/done all that she can and is not receiving much, if anything, in return. Unfortunately, it is the cycle as you've pointed out. Now....how to break it???

I want some peace right now. The holidays are stressful enough under the best of circumstances. I have a houseful of kids who are constantly talking about "when Daddy comes home" as if it is a foregone conclusion, yet I got an email over a month ago telling me he hopes he is not leading me on. I really just want him to leave me alone right now and let me enjoy the holidays with the kids and my family. I am even resenting my inlaws coming over Christmas Day. I really want to tell them not to, that I just want my family around, but the situation is not their fault and I cannot take it out on them. So, how do I break the cycle?

anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?

Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.

It makes a lot of sense to me. BTW, not sure if it was directed towards me, but I never suggested that SMW go dark. IMHO, when her DH is clearly reaching out in his e-mail that he'd like to hear from them, I don't think going dark is the answer at all.

This was the first email like this, GF. If he was that interested in contacting the kids, don't you think he would have started sooner? It has been over a month since the last chatty email I sent him (November 4th, to be exact). Is he reaching out? For what--the home he doesn't want to live in, the kids he walked out on, or the wife he doesn't want to be married to? Took him that long to figure out I was not writing???? I doubt it. He is feeling sorry for himself about being gone for the holidays and needs someone to blame it on. Since he cannot see that HE has created this situation, he has to blame me. No Christmas tree from home, no gifts, no cookies, no fudge. I barely got it together for my kids, why would I go out of my way for someone who no longer appreciates my efforts? The last package I sent him he never even acknowledged receiving until I asked about it, almost two weeks after he got it.

SMW, along with the kids, could you still send him e-mails, letters, etc every now and then to let him know how things are going at home? And not expect him to reply? At least not right away? I completely understand that you feel like you're already doing everything where the M is concerned and DH's actions/words frustrate you, sometimes to no end...I know the feeling all too well....but right now, you are the one here, sweetie. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but this is where we are, and we are here by our own choices.

Hang in there.

(((((SMW)))))

I could send them, but what if I just don't want to send them? I don't know what to talk about, since he is never interested enough to reply to anything. I don't know what he is interested in hearing about---the kids??? Maybe, but he is not going to want to hear the reality of home--the kids miss him horribly, pray for him to come home safely, talk about all the things we are going to do when he gets home--family things like camping, going to the park, going to the amusement parks, the beach, playing games, watching movies, etc.--the fact that the littles end up sleeping together every night because one or the other is crying from missing Daddy?? Yeah, I am sure that will go over well. Do I bother to tell him about my grades from school, that I have cleared out half the clutter from the garage, that I am remodeling the closet, that I am going to put up shelves in the garage, that I am painting the Master Bath? I doubt he wants to offer me color suggestions for it, since he doesn't live here.

I need to go buy some old plates at the auction to start throwing them, cause I am beyond frustrated with this situation.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse. SMW, you are not the first to deal with this so lets just approach it this way. The fact of the matter is, you should respond to his emails, even if they are curt.

His email was pretty basic, guilt you into thinking it's you who doesn't want to talk... whatever. Your response, not really the approach I would take.

You don't have to tell him how you are going to respond even to acknowledge his emails. Then it becomes on purpose and gives him a safety net for emailing you. Well, fuckkk that. He emails you some bullshitt, you answer it honestly and straighten his asss out.

This is exactly what I was talking about in my last post to you. You must find your own way and become a functioning unit on your own. This "language" that he uses when he emails you wouldn't bug you nearly as much if you were more focused on yourself. It would slide off your back and you would simply ignore it.

As far as the kids go and them reading his emails, quit defending yourself. You have nothing to defend. You read the emails to y our kids, they choose not to respond. Stop defending it to him. Your kids will answer those questions themselves at some point. You are doing your job as their mother and have absolutely nothing to defend. He's not there, he has no clue what you are or are not doing and his assumptions are his problem not yours.


Defocus from him SMW, the power that you are giving him over your feelings and emotions is only hurting one person.....YOU....


Ian

How would you have answered it? Am I supposed to ignore it and act like he is not being an azzz? Why?? He has been an azzz for 10 months. I am tired of him jerking the chain and expecting me to fall in with his fantasy. I deserve better than that and while he has said it himself, I don't think he realizes the reality of it. I just want to protect my kids from anymore pain then they absolutely have to go through because their father is acting like a spoiled four year old who is not getting his own way.

SMW

[mishka422]

Wow SMW! Your frustration is coming through loud and clear and I for one am glad for it! You can't bottle all this crud up and stay sane. Let it fly woman!!!

Yes, your H is acting like a spoiled 4 year old who isn't getting his way. I'm sorry for the pain he is inflicting even through his not being there.

I honestly don't have any advice to give because I obviously was a complete failure and turning the other cheek and all that jazz. Just know that I am here supporting you fully and praying that you will have success in saving your M from the disaster your H has made of it.

Protect your babies and hold them tight. They will have fun with their grandparents on Christmas day and maybe with the grandparents there you can have a little alone time to reflect on all the wonderful things that have come to you this year......LIKE US!

Love you sis!!!