A Sailor's Christmas

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse.

Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.

SMW, I recently read an article on invalidation (of one's feelings), and these two statements stick with me - 1)"When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities," and 2)"Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real."

Even though you are right, stating the facts of the matter can be invalidating, even when it's completely unintentional. When a person is expressing their feelings about an issue, telling them 'let's look at the facts' or 'here are the facts' is like telling this person that he/she is wrong for feeling the way they do.

It's intriguing to me. I'm learning a lot.

(((((((SMW)))))))

My intent was not to invalidate, him just to let him know what the situation was. He emailed back and NEVER mentioned the part about whether or not he wants to hear from home. This was his reply--

SMW,
I just wasn’t sure because you never told me what their intentions were. Does SIL have a house phone, or does she just use her cell phone? I’d like to find a way to reach them this weekend since last weekend was a nogo. Alright, you guys take care.
DH

to which I replied:

DH--

My mistake for not clarifying that.

Sis does have a house phone, but I do not know that you will catch them at the house because of play rehearsal. The girls have to be at church from 10-2 tomorrow, leaving Sis's at 8:30-9am to get to Mom's so mom can take them to practice. Not sure what the plans are after that. Mom and Sis are taking them shopping, I believe. I suppose you could try Mom's house or Mom's cell phone in early afternoon. With 5 kids 10 and under in the house at Sis's, I do not know that calling there early in the morning would be a good thing.

Sunday, the girls have to be at church by 8:30 and must stay for both services. We have plans to go to lunch afterward and I have to drop someone off at the airport at 4. We would be back to the house around 4:30-5pm.

Perhaps calling them during the week would be better.

SMW

No reply to that and no phone calls made to my mom's or my sisters phones.

I do not discount that his feelings are real, but so are mine and his acting on his feelings has created an untenable situation for my kids, one that I once thought neither one of us would put them in--as he frequently talked about how important it was to keep a family together. I guess it was only important until he could not keep his pants on around the water buffalo. Sorry, he made a conscious choice to hurt his kids and me. You do not slip on a banana peel and fall into bed with someone else by accident.

SMW

[GoingForward]

SMW,

I don't think I made my point very clear. When I asked if you guys could respond to his emails, I meant the kids. Can they send Dad emails to talk about their days or whatever they want to share with their father? Can the kids each type up letters in Word and then maybe you could send them all as attachments in one email to DH?

I think, if anything, he is reaching out for contact from home, from his children. Regardless of what is going on between you and DH, it is my opinion that they need to try to maintain some kind of communication with their father. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to run...didn't want to have anything to do with my H....BUT....we have 3 boys together. There have been numerous times when I just had to put my feelings aside and help keep the bond going between my sons and their father, no matter what H did to "wrong" them and me. H could walk out on me if he wanted, but I wasn't about to let him walk out on his children.

I am sorry you are feeling all that you are right now, sweetie. I can imagine just how difficult it all is.

(((((((SMW)))))))

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.

Well GF, that is what we call sarcasm..... my point was that it is something a lot of people have to figure out how to do. I think SMW probably understands that... What I am trying to express to her is that him being on a ship out at sea is really the same as him leaving the home and she really really needs to take advantage of this time.


Ian

And that is what i am trying to do. I do not appreciate him trying to make me feel like I am the one blocking his access to the kids. He has paper and envelopes and stamps that he took with him--If he was worried about the kids getting the emails read to him, why not write a letter? Of would I then be accused of throwing them out? Screw him. HE needs to deal with what he has created. I love him and I do not wish ill on him, but I am done enabling him to cake eat and use the kids to do it. I am moving forward in life. I have new friends, plans for after the first of the year for myself and the kids, and things i want to get done. He is still my husband and i will give him the respect he deserves as such, but I will NOT countenance him continuing his affair and making me out to be a bad guy about the kids not contacting him. He made his choice, and expected me to suck it up and live it with it, now he can, too.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes. IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.

My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead. Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful? I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.

Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....


Ian

I need to duck better, as the 2x4s are getting harder. I guess when they really hit home, they hurt more. I have been keeping busy, most of the time, I let his crap run off my back, but making it about the kids pizzed me off.

You guys are all my friends and I value all of you and your input. The guys are good for male perspective and you ladies keep me from letting my anger get out of control.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Well, I will simply say this. With SMW part if the problem is that she does make mountains out of molehills sometimes.

I kindly disagree, Ian. I don't think ANYONE makes mountains out of molehills when that person is clearly expressing the distress they feel about their current sitch. It might seem like the solution is very obvious to one person or several people so what's the issue, but for someone else, they might need a little more help and understanding. They might need to hear that some others can relate. They might need validation for their own feelings.

IMO this is done to keep her focus on anything but focusing on herself completely and letting go of her situation.

I don't think it's done intentionally, and telling someone to let go of their sitch is always easy for those of us on the outside.

My post followed you and ST for a reason, it just seemed like rather than reinforcing the facts that she really needs to focus on other things y'all coddled her instead.

I don't think ST and I coddled SMW. I think we offered her our opinions along with our compassion for what she is feeling and going through, and for her DH, too.

Now honestly GF, do you believe that SMW's focus today should be on a guilt laden email from her husband or on making her life easier and less stressful?

That was/is your perception of his email to her. I, for one, did not read it that way nor do I think his email is where her focus should be.

I believe she should take his feelings into consideration, address them with perhaps a little more compassion and kindness (they can go a long way), then immediately get back to focusing on her own life.

IMO, it's win-win.

How do I give him compassion for his feelings without invalidating my own?

I for one am a believer in eliminating the power that we give our spouses to affect our moods and actions. It just seems to me maybe it's time that some of you step up and push SMW a little harder in that direction.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful y'all are there for her when she gets down. I am simply saying that true friendship means not being afraid to point your friends in the right direction and even give them a little push sometimes. It is not devaluing feelings, it is trying to prevent those feelings from happening again.

Anyway, the goal for all of us is the same,we simply have differing styles for getting there. No big deal.....

I agree that freeing one's self from that "hold" is essential to one's own emotional well-being. I also understand what true friendship is and all that it entails, and I do not think anyone here is afraid when it comes to helping one another. So as to some of us stepping up, I think we are doing that. Perhaps it's just in a different way, as you have pointed out , and that's right - it's no biggie. Having differing POVs is what makes each one of us unique and invaluable.

Ok, back to you, SMW!

(((((SMW)))))

I value all of the different viewpoints and take all of them under consideration. That is why I often try to get input before sending emails. For the most part, I do not let him get to me. Certain things bother me, as they would anyone else--our anniversary was one, the holidays are huge right now. None of the kids (except D17) can ever remember him not being home at Christmas. I am too tired to muster more than my usual strength--I need Goldey's superboots or something.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{SMW}}} Hope your day was MAGNIFICENT my friend

Thank you for a GREAT weekend, tho mine was cut short, it was still amazingly cool and so THANK YOU

Hugs and good night!

Tawnya

We missed you, but we literally shopped til we dropped. LOL!! However, now that you know the way, The door is always open!

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

In answer to Ian's post (which I am sure was well meaning), I have to say that being a Navy wife with small children going through a deployment is a huge challenge even in the best of circumstances. Add to that the fact that she is getting zero support, and actually more pressure added, by her H. Then add the additional stresses of dealing with a developementally delayed child and a teenager going through the throws of rebellion.

Take all this together, and you have a truly rough road to hoe, and she's entitled to have a short fuse every now and again and to have little patience with the "molehills" she is dealing with. But that's JMHO.

Having said that, I will add that I don't mean to 2x4 you too much, Ian. You can't help it. You're just a DAM!!

Take care, ((((((SMW))))))!

TJ--

Thanks for your support. Most days I can pull myself up by my bootstraps, but every now and again, I want someone to tell me it is okay to feel overwhelmed and have a small meltdown. Having BTDT, you know what challenges are faced with a deployment and I appreciate you being here for me.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I think Ian has a point. And he's not one to give a quick 2x4.

We are all so in awe of SMW, that it doesn't help to give her advice. He is making a good observation....which I'll bet....she'll take his good counsel.

SG--

It is duly noted. I do not know why everyone is in awe of me, I haven't done anything spectacular. I am just a stubborn Navy wife who still is in love with her husband and who won't back down without a fight.

You a mod again????? I have missed you!

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

wow guys. where is SMW in all this debate???

GAL and SHOPPING!!!!

look, we all have a right to have our ups and downs. It's going to happen. and IMHO, you are ALL right. SMW is definitely focusing too much on DH (and what is the D for??) because she is letting his actions control her feelings too much. HOWEVER, my reasoning for pointing things out is to usually reveal the other side. There is ALWAYS another side, and we need to realize that. It doesn't always make what they are doing right, but it can at least shine some light on what is happening so that we can understand just a smidgen better which can also help us let go.

The d is for Darling or Deer(and that typo is on purpose--Tawnya and Amy will get it!)--Tomato and I had a discussion about it a few weeks back.

Soooo, SMW, I hope your doing okay, I would call but it's almost 11pm. I'm kinda worried, but I know your okay, just probably taking a break.

I was busy partying, drinking wine, eating chocolate and other fine foods, and shopping my butt off. I did not mean to make you worry! You were the one who opted to skip the PJ party, though! {{{{HUGS}}}}

SMW, you know that we are all hear for you, and I KNOW you know that God is with you every step of your way. It's okay for you to feel bad. You love your H. of course your going to have bad days. As long as you realize it, and you move forward and continue to get up and keep focusing on our Lord and what you need to do...that's what is important. Your not superwoman, although many of us would be shocked if you were not! So, when you find yourself struggling, take a break, do the things that you know work for you to get your mind focused the right way.

Last week, my cape was at the cleaners, but I have it back now. The weekend with Amy and Tawnya was exactly what the doctor ordered for me.

I hope that my email had helped. I hope that you will make a good weekend, and that your pastor will have marvelous things to say and God will reveal many things to you thru him.

Pastor was amazing and the kids were adorable in their program! The girls were stars (literally) much like their Mama is trying to be. Your email did help, as they always do, and I have it saved for future reference, too.

SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I would like to add that I never disagreed with Ian's advice. I just held issue with some of his choices in words. I did not feel he was devaluing SMW, but I did find some of the comments to be invalidating.

I just want to clarify that I took no offense to anything said.All is good with me on this.

The bottom line is this for SMW, yes, this is a place for her to vent. This is a place for her to receive patience and understanding. This is a place for people to understand and validate her pain. We all have pain..... However, this is also a place to here constructive criticism. It is also a place where sometimes tough love is practiced. It is also a place where people learn that they have a choice what advice to take and what advice to cast aside.

SMW and I have posted to one another back and forth for months now in different ways. I have a great deal of respect for what she has done and all that she is going through so please do not believe for one minute that I think she is a whiner or am saying she is making to much of this. What happens on these boards sometimes is we watch our friends (of which I consider SMW) and we simply want to help them find happiness. We do not like standing by idly while they suffer. Sometimes we stand up for each other when it is difficult to see while you are in the storm.

SMW, I stand behind what I posted to you and I hope you didnt take it as me not validating you. I feel your pain. I also only want you to be happy and strong. That is what matters to me. I am in no way trying to minimalize your situation, I am just trying to point out some things that I am seeing and have seen over the last few months.

I would love to hear from ya......


Ian

I am honored to have you as a friend and tickled that you respect me as a person!! Since we already dealt with the rest via email, I won't address it here. If you are worried about me, though, pick up the phone! You have the number!

SMW